Disclaimer: Don't own the characters and this is a non-profit undertaking. So…don't sue.
Author's Note: I apologize for the late update. As usual, real life and work caught up with me.
Chapter Fifteen
Of Loving And LosingHe knew it was already morning because of the warm glow from the open window that filtered through and softly kissed the closed lids of his eyes. On instinct, his right arm reached out for something that his mind knew would not be there. Upon feeling the vacated space, instead of the comforting warmness of a human body, his hand settled on the cold and smooth texture of the silk sheet, his fingers feeling the soft material.
Finally opening his eyes, the blue gaze immediately traveled to the soft indentation on the pillow beside his, the lone evidence of her earlier presence in this room, on this bed, beside him. Reaching up, he took the soft cushion in his hand and inhaled the remnants of her fragrance on the cover before turning on his back, embracing the pillow with him, looking at the ceiling, lost in quiet thought.
For once, he allowed himself the luxury of entertaining thoughts that he used to dismiss as unnecessary in the life he chose to live.
Yes, the great Bruce Wayne was daydreaming.
He knew very well that Alfred would barge in any second now and wake the living daylights out of him, he was even surprised that the older man was not in the room yet, opening the heavy drapes to scare him out of the bed with sunlight.
Maybe Diana requested him not to.
Diana.
At the simple mention of her name in his mind, the very thought of her, the beautiful face, the loving smile, the selflessness in the way she gave herself to him last night, made him sigh and he let the warmth overwhelm him, filling him with a certain contentment that he never thought he was capable of feeling.
And that feeling led to a sudden curiosity. If his parents were alive today, would they have liked her?
Who would not love Diana?
He could imagine his mother and her getting along well immediately and his father would approve of course. They would probably, just like Alfred, convince him day and night to finally settle down and start a family of his own, raise a number of beautiful children…
Wait…family, children?
He smiled to himself at his audacity to think too much ahead when their relationship was still unknown to the entire league. He finally sat up with a grin at the naughty thought in his head that he surely wanted to be there when Superman found out.
Smelling the pillow one last time, he closed his eyes at the truth that, in a long time, it was the first time he thought of his parents without the accompanying feeling of terrible hurt, of regret, of blinding pain.
Because he had Diana.
The faint, muffled beeping sound invaded his reverie and he walked to a pile that was the pair of pants he wore last night that now lay quietly on the carpeted floor. Reaching into the right pocket, his hand was able to retrieve the small phone and a smile appeared on his face when he read the message.
You look adorable when you sleep, even if you snore.
He missed her already. And it surprised him how much she could make him feel.
He was too happy that this foreign feeling of bliss was starting to worry him.
And with that realization, the smile momentarily disappeared from the handsome face to be replaced by utter seriousness. Looking back at the unmade bed, the wrinkled white sheets, the misplaced pillows, his thoughts drifted to the precious, stolen moments they shared together in secrecy. He closed his eyes in remembrance and finally admitted to himself.
He wanted her smile to welcome him home to ease the pain that his life could bring.
He wanted her embrace to soothe him to sleep, to prevent the nightmares from ever haunting him again.
He wanted to spend his waking hours by her side, her eyes greeting him like warm sunlight.
He wanted her to be the constant in his life.
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
It was late in the afternoon when he arrived at the Watchtower after successfully extracting himself from another endlessly boring discussion about the next year's budget for Wayne Enterprises. Once there, he scanned the area immediately for J'onn, as if he was even afraid of himself changing his mind. When he noticed that the Martian was nowhere in sight, he tried communicating via telepathy.
J'onn…
Yes, Batman?
I need to speak to you about…He was interrupted by the slight feeling of uneasiness that he quickly set aside. Something important.
I'm discussing a matter with Aquaman as of the moment.
Aquaman? What's his problem this time?
The same, as always. The amusement on the Martian's face was imaginable. Territorial issues.
Good luck. A smirk appeared on his face. He knew very well that Aquaman could be very demanding. Just like someone he knew.
I'll be with you in a few more minutes. You can wait at the counseling room.
And with that, his feet led him to the direction of J'onn's quarters. As his fingers pressed the security code to open the door to the room, he wondered if J'onn was at all surprised that he was finally taking time to have his thoughts analyzed. He was not exactly a huge fan of therapies in the first place.
When the door slid open, he strode inside the room and his eyes immediately scanned the area as he waited, looking around the simple and quiet room, noticing the customary couch, the small table in the middle, a large leather chair in which J'onn sat while analyzing a patient, the uncomplicated décor and several books on the shelf placed by the far right corner of the area.
Walking to the bookshelf, his attention was captured by a small study table just beside the furniture.
Come here…
For a weird moment, he thought he heard someone, a faint voice, whispering, calling him. He abruptly turned, looking around even if he was certain that no one else was in the room with him. Looking back at the desk, an unseen force seemed to urge him forward, telling him to look at the desk calendar that lay open before his eyes.
Look…
He tried fighting against the strong desire to look because he knew better than to pry at the confidentiality and sensitivity of the counseling sessions. But this voice, this malicious voice continued taunting him, torturing him.
You know you want to…
So he looked.
And his eyes fell exactly on what the voice wanted him to see. Written in black ink, in bold letters, was Diana's name.
Instantly, his constantly inquisitive mind wondered what was the reason why she went to J'onn for counseling a few days ago and why she was scheduled for another tomorrow.
Maybe it was to help her understand what was happening to her lately, the sickness, the near death experience.
Maybe.
But why didn't she tell me?
The small doubt in her that entered his mind made the voice stronger, and the malicious whisper in his mind was now goading him.
Find out why. You must know.
He managed to convince himself that he was doing this just to satisfy his curiosity and not because he was succumbing to the call of something he knew was sinister. Without even telling J'onn he would no longer wait, he made his way out of the counseling room. Dismissing the greetings that came his way as he passed the hallway, his determined strides led him to a specific place that held the answer to his question, a secure area in the Watchtower only the founding members knew of.
Looking carefully around him, making sure that no one else was in sight, he pressed a series of keys to override the security codes. A few more seconds passed by before the thick stainless steel door gave way and he was able to let himself inside a large room that was devoid of human presence and was filled with a number of automated devices and screens that served as the watchful eye of the Watchtower.
Look…
As if to obey the command of this voice, his eyes carefully searched for something and it did not take long before a smirk appeared on his face at the sight of a particular monitor.
Yes…that's it.
Walking over to the terminal, his eager fingers entered a series of commands to the computer that commanded the machine to make a copy of a recorded session that was made on a specified date. After obtaining the disk, he immediately stepped out before anyone else noticed his presence as an intrusion in the secure area.
He took no time in leaving the Watchtower to return to the cave to view the contents of the disk that was now in his possession. And when he reached the dark but safe confines, he sat on the imposing chair and without the slightest hesitation inserted the disk on his computer.
A screeching sound disturbed the quietly tense atmosphere as he dragged the chair closer to the screen where the image of the counseling room was now displayed. Diana was sitting on the couch on the left side while J'onn faced her on the right. For a while there was silence.
"It was all a lie, J'onn…" It was Diana who spoke first.
"What is?"
"When everyone thought the first time I came to this world was when we fought the invaders."
A cold feeling pricked his skin. He removed the cowl from his face.
"If you want to make it easier, I can just read your thoughts."
"No…I want to hear my own voice."
He noticed that she placed a pillow on her lap before beginning her story.
"I was sent on a mission. That was when I met…Bruce and Kal for the first time…more than a decade before the league was formed."
When he heard those words, her words, all of his body suddenly felt cold.
She lied to you…
Flashing lights invaded his mind after the whisper and he closed his eyes in desperation to prevent the intrusion, to no avail. And all of a sudden, he felt the chair spin violently while bright images exploded in a frenzy making his head ache in way that he wanted to pull out at his hair, bang his head on something hard to get rid of the pain. Holding onto the armrests for support, feeling the chair was still spinning uncontrollably, he fought for a while to hang on to the remnants of control before reality faded and he was transported into a time that he never knew existed with her voice as the guide.
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
The miniscule cellular phone that hung peacefully on her belt stayed peaceful the entire day, there was not a single ring or beep to signify a call or message from Bruce. So naturally, considering the early state of their relationship, she was trying not to make a big fuss. But after a busy day, late in the night, she decided to pay him a short visit before returning to the Watchtower nonetheless.
Making a very quiet entrance to the cave, even if she was sure he was already aware of presence, she walked carefully towards his sitting form on the black leather chair with his back turned. With a smile, she noticed that he was without his uniform, but his quiet demeanor informed her that he was very preoccupied with work.
"Want to know what's on this disk?"
She halted, but a part of her almost froze, not because of his words, but because of the way his voice resonated the meaning of his rhetorical question. Her eyes stared at the flat circle as the light danced on the surface, creating a play of colors.
He moved his hand away from her line of sight, still with his back turned from her. "…Something very interesting."
She did not like the sound of his voice.
In a calculated movement he inserted the disk into the waiting terminal. A short few seconds later, an image appeared on the face of the wide screen and she stared speechless when she recognized the very familiar setting. It was the counseling room, and there, sitting on the couch, was her.
She felt the blood slowly drain from her when she heard her own voice. "It was all a lie J'onn…"
"Bruce…that's a private conversation," she had to say, as if to divert his attention back to her, to the present, not from what was transpiring in front of him.
"A private conversation…" His voice had no feeling. "That I am very much a part of."
Her head bowed, succumbing to the truth of what he said. And regret overcame her as she blamed herself for not telling him when she had the chance. "How did you---"
"As you always put it…fate led me to the truth."
She further cringed at his icy tone as her face looked up from staring at the lifeless ground. "Bruce…"
"Are you even planning on telling me…everything that you just told J'onn?" Flat. Emotionless. As very impersonal as the Batman could ever be. "Or are you going to keep it from me forever?"
"You must unders---"
"Understand what?" He cut her off again and finally stood from the chair, facing her. And his eyes betrayed the impassive façade he was trying to project. The eyes that stared at her were very cold and angry. "That you have been lying all along? You said it yourself…"
"How can I lie about something that never happened?" She was almost whispering a vain attempt to reason that she knew was an exercise in futility.
"To you and…him it happened." He did not bother to conceal his jealousy, the first trace of feeling that crept in his voice. "I always wondered what brought you two together…now I know."
"We had to do it."
"Come to think of it…" His expression changed into something she did not like. "What else did you do together?"
The instant the insult escaped his lips, her breath stilled for a moment as the hurt of his insinuation and his doubt, after she gave all of herself to him selflessly last night, cut through her. Her voice told him of her pain. "How could you ask me that, Bruce? You of all people should know."
"Until today it turns out that there was a lot I did not know." A fleeting trace of sorrow passed over his eyes before it was abruptly masked again with coldness. A coldness that metamorphosed into resentment and…disgust. Then his left hand slid the cloth of his shirt that covered his right arm, revealing the scar.
It was his first scar, and she was responsible.
"Both of you, with your godlike abilities…how many times have you played with our lives?"
His words were stabbing her, cutting deeply. "We did not play with anyone's life. We were trying to save the world."
He turned an angle away from her, staring forward. "When I watched the disk, it felt like I was there. I relived all the moments you've kept from me." His voice felt lost. "I was at that point in my life when I was at a very crucial crossroad. You know that."
The moving voice, the sad look in his eyes, took her to that place and that time when, without hesitation, he opened himself up and confessed to her the feelings he never did to anyone. As she gazed at his profile, it made her want to take him into her arms as guilt started seeping in, carrying with it the realization of his pain as in her mind she tried to place herself in his position. And deep inside, she already forgave him for the hurtful words he uttered.
"And you know what the cruel part of it was?" He turned to her. "I realize that I almost gave this up for you, had you stayed."
It was her turn to look away, feeling all the blame. "If I stayed, Gotham would have lost you."
"But I would have a life." His voice was almost regretful. "Haven't you even considered…that I wanted a life other than this?"
She could not answer. She did not know because she always believed this was the life he was meant to live. And seconds ticked away in silence as they both remained in their thoughts, reliving the what ifs, the what-could-have-beens.
"Why did you leave?" It was a mere whisper.
Why?She closed her eyes and admitted. "I was afraid." She opened her eyes again to see the disbelief in his.
"Of the curse? Is it too terrible for you to be a mortal like me?"
"That's not what I mean."
"Yes it is what you mean." He was very sure of what he thought.
She faced him with questioning eyes. "Would you have let me, Bruce? Will you let me give up my immortality for you? I don't think you want that burden."
"You let me be the judge of what I want."
"I'm sorry." It was the last attempt to pierce even just a tiny hole through the wall he had placed to distance himself from her, by admitting to her fault. She thought her apology would change his mind that somehow it would open him to understanding that there was nothing more in the world that she wanted than to stay with him that day. But it simply could not be.
However, his anger, his hate, his resentment did not pave the way for comprehension. The very feeling that he was betrayed, cheated of a life that he should have lived, clouded his judgment.
"I'm sorry too, Diana."
"Bruce…" She tried to appeal to him further, knowing dreadfully what was to come next by the mere sound of his voice.
"I'm sorry you hade to leave the island again." He did not hear her plea. "I'm sorry for falling in love with you all over again."
She could not believe what she was hearing.
"Goodbye, Diana."
No, stay and fight for him. Even if a voice was screaming in her head that she must not give up, she knew she had lost the fight to regain his love, the love they waited for in a long time, the same love she lost in an instant. She knew him very well to know that there was nothing she could do to change his mind, to change what he thought of her now.
His eyes said all of that truth.
The blue orbs that held her gaze had no compassion left in them, as if she was erased from his mind and heart by the power of his anger. And they told her of what he felt right now, for her, that she did not dare put into words.
She was nothing but a liar, a fraud. Everything not what she represented.
The Diana he loved no longer existed for him.
And the man she loved changed into a man she barely recognized.
And with that sad thought, she did what he wanted. She finally left him alone.
As she flew out of the suddenly confining cave and into the waiting arms of the dark of night with nothing but emptiness in her heart and the heaviness of grief that hung on her shoulders, she wanted to scream. She wanted to open her lips and let the surge of pain pour out, wanting very much to lash out at the darkness, to empty the frustration she felt. Closing her hands tightly into a fist, with the nails of her fingers digging deeply into her flesh, cutting through the skin and later feeling the moistness in her palms she knew as her blood, she wanted to smash the ugly, jagged rock of that entered her view, she wanted to punch a hole into the sturdy trunk of the trees that lined the path below.
But she did nothing of what she wanted and instead, her feet landed softly on the moist earth, allowing her a moment to calm her emotions and to reflect on what just happened, hugging her arms to her in a gesture of offering herself the momentary comfort when no one else could.
She never expected this.
She thought that the worst that could happen was for her to lose her immortality, not lose him too, to this hate, to this feeling of betrayal.
And as she stood in the middle of darkness, she wanted to cry.
After more than two days of feeling nothing but incomparable bliss, here she was alone in the dark to be left with nothing but the numbing pain of having her heart cruelly torn apart and away from her while she looked with her eyes wide open.
And his eyes…she shivered at the remembrance of how he looked at her for the last time. His gaze mirrored all the loathing, the hate and the disgust he harbored within him that she felt a significant part of her died in that cave with him.
"Diana?" Superman's unknowing voice interrupted her emotions through the commlink. And for a while she thought her mind was imagining her friend's soothing tone. "Diana?" The voice was real.
"Yes…Kal?" She took a moment to answer, trying to hide the trembling in her voice, thankful that because of her location the unsteady pitch in her voice could be attributed to static interference.
"Can you meet me at the Statue of Liberty?"
She wiped away a tear and the angry red stain of blood on her palm and forced a rueful smile. "Of course."
As the wind felt cold on her cheeks, she flew to his location all the while composing herself, cleansing the unwanted thoughts and pain from within because of all people, she needed very much to hide her inner turmoil from Kal. He simply must not know. But, ironically, again, of all the people, he knew her best and it would take all her strength to keep an unaffected façade so he would not notice that underneath, she was bleeding, half her heart was ripped into shreds.
"What is it about?" She landed softly next to him, near the bronze flames that Liberty held in her hand, his red cape dancing with the wind.
He smiled at her, a very familiar, comforting smile. "An asteroid."
"Just like old times?" She matched his expression and was thankful that, for the first and very crucial moment, he did not seem to notice anything was amiss.
His mind immediately traveled back into a time he dearly entrusted to memory, where he was just a farm boy, and she was just a headstrong princess.
"Nowhere near as large as the…old one. But still a threat in any case," he shrugged, taking his eyes away from her and the memory to momentarily gaze at a particular direction in the dark expanse of sky. "John's already out there with a small team. I highly doubt if anything could get through that ring of his and their defenses." Then he returned his friendly eyes to her. "But I still need you here…"
"Just in case." She looked at the dark blanket that surrounded them that was interrupted by the sprinkling of a number of twinkling lights.
His eyes followed her gaze once more to the heavens as they both stood quietly, admiring the stillness, the dark beauty of nature. Then her eyes traveled downwards, to the calm expanse of water.
"Kal…I sometimes wonder if they ever knew how many times they came close to losing this world…" Her voice softly broke the silence.
"If I were down there, I wouldn't want to know."
She sighed. "There is a strange comfort in not knowing…"
"Yes, things better left unsaid."
She flinched inwardly at the innocence of his words and thought to herself, things better left undone.
He turned to her abruptly that for a moment she thought, in alarm, that he might have sensed something, a change in her heartbeat, or her breathing. "Besides…that's what we are here for, right? To ensure their safety."
"Yes," she tried to mask the relief. And to further lighten the moment, she turned his way and gave him a questioning look with an underlying amount of amusement. "But I seem to recall…you were quite a reluctant hero…back then."
He crossed his arms on his chest in a defensive gesture. "Ah, but I can also recall, you were the…mighty Amazon who," he searched for the right words. "…Who had a date with two men."
"If that secret reaches Themyscira, I'll tell the world that the great Superman sings badly in the shower," she threatened with a smirk.
He looked smugly at her. "But then, the world will ask how you knew."
"I'll…" She pursed her lips at the thought that she lost the argument.
And then she laughed.
Even in the worst of times for her, he was able to make her happy as she released her cares with every inhale and exhale that they shared in mirth. And when the laughter slowly subsided, as she looked thoughtfully at his face and the friendly blue eyes, she felt blessed that somehow, she still had a friend in him.
"What?" He finally asked, noticing the certain way her eyes were addressing him. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Like what?"
"Like you're too happy to see me."
She smiled, a heartfelt smile. "Because I am." She walked near and linked her arm to his.
"Well…" He sighed and looked forward, comforted at the thought that she still needed him, as she leaned on his shoulder. "Thank you for that."
She did not know that if she was reassured by this simple gesture of friendship, so was he. The feeling, that even if her heart belonged to another there would always be that part within her that relied on him, offered him an amount of importance and he knew that he would do everything in his power to protect her, in the same way he knew she would do for him.
That was what best friends do for each other. They give each other strength.
"By the way…" He broke the comfortable silence of the moment that settled between them. "Wally has been looking all over for you last night."
Her eyes suddenly widened, her breath caught, and the comfort fled from her to be replaced by a sudden tenseness at the mention of the night before. "Wally?"
"Yes. He said he wanted to show you another movie." He shifted a little as if trying to look at her face. "Where were you anyway?"
Her heart was beating a little faster now at the dreaded question, however innocent, that she did not want to answer.
"Diana?" He moved slightly so that he could see her face. There was definitely something was wrong. "What's the matter?"
Words of excuse were useless now for she did not even know where to start. How did one start to tell a story that would only hurt a friend?
She slowly disentangled her arm and moved a few steps away from him, wanting all the more to flee but she knew she could not. She could escape anyone but not Kal. And she owed him the explanation.
But where were the words?
"Diana…" His voice was stern now, the lightness as they bantered before was now gone and in its place was a tone that demanded an answer. "Where were you?"
She took a deep breath. "I…"
He stared at her profile, sensing all her guilt, and then closed his eyes at the realization that she did not have to admit. He knew. "You were with…Bruce."
Her voice was a whisper in the wind. "Yes."
He opened his eyes and took a deep breath at the surprising pain of her admission. The truth coming from her own lips, her own voice, stunned him in silence for a while as he looked at her back, her dark hair flowing with the wind.
"How could you do it, Diana?" The hurt was evident in his voice.
She knew he was trying to fight the anger that he felt and she gathered all the courage she needed to face him. "Because I love him."
And those four words managed to make the most powerful man on the planet flinch inwardly as if a shot of kryptonite plunged its way directly to pierce the armor of his heart.
It felt so painful.
Love.
He was sure it was what he felt for Lois. He was positively sure.
Then what did he exactly feel for Diana? Was it the same?
No…it was not. And if this was love she felt for Bruce then why did he sense a terrible feeling from her?
"If you love him…why then are you crying?"
She looked at him in surprise before reaching up to feel her damp cheeks.
"Kal…" She could not tell him that Bruce found out about the past and hated her for the secrecy. "I'm sorry."
Sorry.
She was sorry for Bruce, now she was sorry for Kal, when she should be most apologetic to herself.
The faint trembling in her voice that she tried hard to conceal almost made him walk to her. There was nothing more that he wanted than to put his comforting arms around her and reassure her that everything was all right because…it was not. He was so very wounded by what she did and, right now, he just wanted her to realize that.
But the truth had a cruel way of slowly settling in within him…as a small and wicked voice from within seemed to taunt him into giving in to his emotions.
She was with him last night.
Yes…she was with him.
They were together.
He shut his eyes as if keeping the mental image from solidifying in his imagination. He could not breathe at the thought of her being with Bruce.
Yes…you are jealous.
And he could no longer deny it even to himself. He was jealous. He was jealous then, when he was a young man, he was jealous now, after all these years.
After all these years…you wanted her for yourself…and she gave her body, her heart to another…No! His mind screamed at the unknown owner of the voice.
"When did you start seeing him?" He finally found his voice among the shouts and whispers in his thoughts.
Her eyes begged for his forgiveness even before she answered. "Christmas day."
She lied to you…she lied…He fixed his eyes on her as he concentrated on losing the malicious voice that invaded his mind. And looking at the sincerity in her eyes, all the guilt, the hurt, and his belief that she would never do this to hurt him, the voices slowly faded to the background. But unfortunately, the pain he felt could not be dismissed as easily.
He wanted to say the words that threatened to burst out from him, all the feelings he had kept from the day she broke the door of his house to change his life forever.
Yes, she changed his life from that day.
She did not know then that huge part of the reason he decided to accept the destiny that awaited him was simply because of what she said.
He was not saving the whole world that day.
He was simply saving Jonathan, Martha and her.
Diana.
But her heart chose to love Bruce.
And all the words he could not say, he said with his eyes as he looked at her for the last few seconds. He just looked at her with eyes that bared all the emotions that he had been hiding in secrecy for so long because of the friendship he valued so much. He did not care if she knew now, it was time she found out the truth.
"You hurt me Diana…you don't know just how much you hurt me."
His eyes, as he looked at her, showed her just that…all the pain he was feeling. And she almost gasped at the realization of what he was trying to tell her.
"Kal…" Her voice started.
But before she could say more, he turned and flew away.
"I did not know…" She whispered in the dark, knowing he could still hear her.
After losing the man she loved, she lost the man who understood her more than anyone, her best friend. The best friend who loved her all this time.
How could I have been so blind?
She closed her eyes at the thought that she was hurting him all the time she confessed her feelings for Bruce. And he never said a word. Because he loved her.
And the tears finally fell freely, as her body was wracked with sobs she no longer could control. She wept into the night, feeling all alone. Only now, she was really alone.
Raising her hand to wipe the remainder of her tears, her gaze fell on her open palm. The wounds she had inflicted earlier on herself should still be there, as proof of the curse of being turned into a mortal. But there was not a trace of the cut, and the blood was gone.
Her eyes looked in surprise and disbelief at the night sky. If she were a mere mortal by now, she would have felt the coldness of the night, and her wound would still be there.
She closed her eyes at the understanding of the cruelty of it all.
The curse did not take away her immortality.
The curse took away the two people she loved.
And she had all her very long life to live with the pain of their loss.
That was her curse.
