Content warning: Mentions of blood, self-harm, and suicidal ideation
Alex woke with a start, sitting up and clutching her head as pain exploded between her temples. She flinched as another noise set off even more throbbing in her skull. It took a few seconds for her head to clear enough to realize that the sound was someone banging on the door of her apartment. She got to her feet and staggered to the door, stopping to lean against the wall when another round of knocking created more stabs of pain in her head.
When she finally got to the door, she opened it to find Steph on the other side. Alex leaned against the doorframe, looking at her blearily as red began to build in Steph's aura.
Damn it, Alex, what the fuck are you doing?
Steph's emotions twisted and thrashed against her ribcage, demanding that she do something, anything to get through to Alex. She was scared, tired of helplessly watching Alex fall apart right in front of her, and it was so much easier to let the sharp edges of her desperation carve her panic into anger.
She says she wants to talk later, ghosts me for an entire day, and now she's not even going to try to explain herself?
Steph's anger cut through the fog in Alex's head, making her muscles tense and her heart beat faster. "What do you want me to say?" she snapped.
Steph scoffed and pushed past her into the apartment. "I expect you to say something. What the hell happened last night? You were supposed to text me so we could talk."
Alex shrugged and crossed her arms. "I didn't feel like talking."
"You—" Steph cut herself off, clenching her jaw as she pressed her lips into a thin line. "You said that you'd text me after your shift. That ended over twenty-four hours ago and you haven't answered your phone at all in that entire time. You can't just ignore me for that long."
Alex dropped her arms to her sides, her hands balling into fists. "What makes you think you get to decide what I do?"
"Because we're supposed to be together, Alex," Steph said, gesturing between them. "And I told you that I was worried about you. I hate watching you do this to yourself, and I can't—" Her panic was back again, worming into the anger still coursing through her body until she wanted to scream at the itch it created just underneath her skin. "This has felt really one-sided lately and I…I don't know how much longer I can do this."
Does she not want this anymore?
Does she not want me anymore?
I care about her so much, but she won't let me in. Talking with her feels like running into a brick wall.
I want to be with her so badly, but I can't keep going like this.
Alex stumbled back until she hit the wall across from the door, struggling to breathe through the mess of emotions swirling in her chest. She turned around and pressed her forehead against the wall, harder and harder until it hurt, squeezing her eyes shut and covering her ears with her hands as she tried to block everything out. She felt Steph move closer and the pressure in her head increased until she thought her skull might split open.
"Get away from me!" Alex yelled, punching the wall as hard as she could. The drywall buckled under her fist and she winced as pieces of it bit into her knuckles.
A horrible, heavy silence settled over them, broken only by Alex's heavy breathing as a wave of fear rolled out from Steph.
"Steph, I–" Alex sank to the floor, trying in vain to hold back a sob. "I'm sorry, I can't…I didn't…"
"No, it was my fault, I…fuck." Steph's voice shook and Alex heard her stumble backwards. "I'm sorry. I didn't want this to happen, I just…I-I should leave. I'm making everything worse."
"Please don't leave," Alex gasped, whirling around to face Steph. She tried to meet Steph's eyes but had to look away from the purple aura flickering around her. "Please stay. I just…need a minute."
Steph took several deep breaths before she nodded. "Okay. Okay, I will. I can wait."
Alex could still feel Steph's thoughts and emotions at the edge of her awareness, but she was too exhausted to make sense of them anymore. She sagged back against the wall, squeezing her eyes shut to avoid looking at Steph and her aura. "I'm sorry. For just now and how I acted yesterday. I…got overwhelmed."
"I know. And I'm sorry I kept pushing you." Steph sighed and knelt down so she was at Alex's eye level. "I'm just so worried about you and you won't tell me what's going on."
"I know. I can feel that, too." Alex pulled her knees up to her chest so she could wrap her arms around them, forcing herself to open her eyes and meet Steph's gaze. "I didn't know what was happening to me before, but I think I figured it out. I think I'm finally processing all the stuff that's happened to me. Everything with Jed and Typhon, what happened to Gabe, and all the shit I went through before that."
"That makes sense. But why won't you let me help you?"
Alex shook her head, letting her arms drop so the palms of her hands were pressed flat against the floor. "I don't think you can. I think this is something I have to figure out by myself."
Steph looked at her with a pained expression. "You can't expect me to leave you like this."
Alex glanced down as she started to pick at a crack in the wooden floor. "I think you have to. At least until I have things under control and I can be around you without losing it."
Steph gritted her teeth and looked away, her eyes shining with tears as her aura shifted to a deep blue.
She really expects me to just…walk away from this. From her.
But maybe I have to.
I'm only making this harder for her. I'll make it worse if I stay.
But I can't just fucking leave her, not now. Not like this.
Alex mentally shook herself, trying to break through Steph's thoughts and the sadness streaming from her. "I don't want to lose control and hurt you. Just give me a couple days to process this by myself, okay? I can get through the worst of it on my own and then you can help me once it's safe for you to be around me again."
Steph bit down hard on her lower lip, still not meeting Alex's eyes.
I don't know if she can handle this by herself.
But she says she has to.
And this will only ever work if you trust each other.
"Okay. If that's what you need, then I trust you," Steph said slowly. "Just promise me that you'll let me know as soon as you need my help. I won't get angry again, I swear."
"I will, I promise."
"Okay. Okay." Steph took a deep breath and gestured toward the door. "Is it…can move closer to you?"
Alex nodded. "Yeah. I'm calm enough now."
Steph walked to the door, opened it, and stepped into the hallway, pausing to glance back at Alex one more time. "I'll be here as soon as you need me. You just have to let me know." She waited a few seconds longer, then closed the door behind her when Alex didn't say anything else.
Alex tilted her head back until it touched the wall, staring up at the ceiling as she listened to Steph's footsteps fade away.
Well, I was right. That fucking sucked.
But I didn't scare her away. She said she'd come back if I need her to.
Alex closed her eyes and bumped her head gently against the wall several times as she tried to shake the image of Steph looking at her with fear swirling around her.
Will she really come back?
She said she would. And she was right that this will only work if we trust each other.
But do I really trust her that much?
And why does it feel so fucking scary that I might?
Alex opened her eyes and looked down at the star tattoo on her right hand, just below the flecks of blood and drywall dust on her knuckles.
I do trust her.
And that means I have to get through this so I can see her again.
She got to her feet and took half a step forward before she stopped, her brow furrowing.
Wait, fuck.
I still have no idea how to do this.
How am I gonna do this?
She frowned and walked over to her bed, grabbing Shu-Shu from the pillow before she laid down on her back. She lay still for a moment before raising her arms to gesture above her. "Uh, okay, feelings," she said. "Have at it, I guess. It's not like this can get any worse."
After a few seconds, she let her arms flop down on the bed and Shu-Shu bounced out of her hand. She turned her head to watch the stuffed animal roll to a stop on the floor a few feet away.
Well, I still have no idea what to do.
Maybe I'll just lie here until I figure it out.
Alex woke to her apartment lit by moonlight. She rolled onto her side and set her hand on her phone on the nightstand, tilting it up so she could see the screen.
It was 3 AM. She had about a dozen MyBlock notifications that she immediately swiped away and a text from Steph that said she would make sure Alex's shifts were covered at the store for the next few days.
She stared at the heart emoji at the end of Steph's message for a moment before letting her phone fall back onto the nightstand. Frowning, she shifted onto her back and stared up at the dark ceiling. Her mouth tasted like old beer and stale tortilla, she was wearing the somehow still slightly damp and now itchy clothes she had been wearing for the last two days, and she had an amazing girlfriend she didn't deserve who was still looking out for her even after she had been an asshole.
Is this time really going to be any different?
Steph said she'd stick around, but I've had so many people tell me that. Foster parents, care workers, friends, more than friends, my own fucking father.
They all left when they figured out how much work I am to be around.
A spark of anger ignited in her chest, quickly growing into a raging flame that consumed all of her senses, making her see red as she glared up at the ceiling.
What the fuck is the point of getting close to people?
You opened up to them, you said you'd never leave each another, but you fucked up and they left anyway. And then you were alone again with only a new scar and more painful memories to tuck away with all the others.
Why was I stupid enough to really care this time?
Her anger rapidly morphed into fear that felt like metal bands wrapped around her ribcage, gradually tightening as she fought to breathe, her heart pounding wildly against her ribs.
Fuck.
I really do care this time.
And I'm just going to fuck it up again, like always.
But it's going to hurt so much more this time because I actually thought I could be okay here. I poured everything I had into making this my home.
Will I survive when this gets torn away? When I try to hold on too hard and it crumbles to pieces in my hands?
I don't know if I could stand it this time.
The fear shifted into sadness, weighing so heavily on her body that she struggled to keep her eyes open as it pressed her into the bed.
This is all going to end exactly the same way as before.
Except this time, it'll be even worse, because I actually tried. I tried so hard. I convinced myself that I belonged here, that there were people here who actually cared about me.
But why would this time be any different?
I'm still the same crazy, broken loser I've always been. That hasn't changed.
I don't think it can. Not enough to make a difference.
A strangled sob worked its way up her throat as her emotions surged again, a mix of rage, terror, and despair that left her paralyzed and staring helplessly into the darkness as images began to flash above her.
The last letter Alex had written to her dad settling into the trash, the ink of the "return to sender" stamp blurring as it soaked up the liquid from an overturned soda can.
The CPS worker waiting at the door with a stern look on his face as Alex walked towards him with her bag slung over her shoulder, avoiding looking at the two other foster kids watching her silently from the next room.
The pity in Dr. Lynn's eyes as Alex begged her to believe that she wasn't making it up, that the rage she felt screaming in her head wasn't always her own, that it wasn't her fault she couldn't control it.
Alex could only watch as more and more memories played out in front of her, each one unearthing more of the pain she had tried so hard to bury.
After what felt like hours, she finally drifted off to sleep, completely exhausted, but only slipped into an endless stream of nightmares. Each one was a tangled mess of emotions and memories that made her wake with a start, only to fall asleep again a few seconds later, too drained to stay awake as another nightmare dragged her down to begin the cycle all over again.
Then, just as suddenly as it had started, it all stopped. Alex gradually became aware that she was still lying in the same spot on her bed, but now she felt nothing. Her emotions were completely spent, leaving her so numb and empty that she couldn't even feel relieved that her torment was over. Closing her eyes, she took slow, deep breaths as she willed her trembling muscles to relax. She had completely lost any sense of how much time had passed but couldn't work up the motivation to check her phone.
Eventually, the emptiness inside her began to ache, and she remembered that this was how Isabela had felt in the final days of her life. So devoid of any emotion that her body turned the void into pain, an anguish that filled her head with noise that was both so loud and so silent that it made her want to scream. But she knew that if she started screaming, she would never stop, and that hollow ache would still be eating her from the inside out no matter what she did.
Alex rolled onto her side, curling into a ball and hugging herself in an attempt to find some kind of comfort. Her forearms pressed against her stomach, and she wondered if a different kind of pain might be the answer.
She'd done it before. Picked apart the skin on her arms until it bled. She thought it might stave off some of the ache inside, but it didn't work, not really, just covered it up with a different kind of pain. But at the time, it was as close as she could get to relief.
Then she remembered the looks on her foster parents' faces when they saw the blood. That had been the reason they sent her to the hospital, the reason she never saw them again.
If I do that again, Ryan and Steph will look at me the same way.
The thought made her curl even further into herself and tears sprang into her eyes.
I can't do that, not again. I can't. I couldn't take it. I couldn't.
What can I do instead? What else can I do?
My guitar.
Alex dragged herself to the edge of the bed and slid onto the floor. She fumbled underneath it for her guitar case, letting out a sigh of relief when her fingers closed around the handle. But when she tried to pull the case out, it stuck, caught on something she couldn't see.
Shit. Now what? What the fuck do I do?!
She let go of the case and sat back heavily against the nightstand, making her phone rattle against the wood.
I…I could call Steph.
No, I fucking can't! I can't let her see me like this. She'll get mad again and it'll make everything worse.
But I can't do this by myself, and she said she wouldn't get angry.
I think I have to call her.
I need her here.
I need her.
Sliding her phone off the nightstand, she unlocked it with shaking fingers and thumbed through her apps until she found Steph's number. She brought the phone to her ear, stopping herself before she could think about what she would do if Steph didn't answer.
Steph picked up on the second ring. "Alex?"
"Steph–" Alex managed to gasp before she was cut off by a sob she couldn't hold back.
"I'm on my way. I'll get the spare key from Ryan and I'll be there as soon as I can."
The call ended and Alex released her phone, letting it clatter onto the floor next to her. She hunched forward and wrapped her arms around herself, careful not to let her fingers touch the skin on her forearms. Her eyes were squeezed shut, her heart pounding as that storm of emotions erupted inside her once more. She felt like she was balanced on that plank in the mineshaft again, clinging to it with everything she had as the wood began to buckle. A pit of anger, sadness, and fear raged below her, and she knew that once she fell in, she would never be able to get back out.
Then she heard Steph's voice and opened her eyes to see Steph kneeling in front of her, reaching toward her. Alex flinched back reflexively, bracing herself for the rage she was sure would follow.
"Alex." Steph's voice was quiet but firm, filled with worry and concern, but no trace of anger. "You have to let me help you."
Alex felt tears on her cheeks, but she wasn't sure when she had started crying again. "I don't want to make you mad."
"I'm not mad, I promise. I just want to help you."
"If I do, will you stay?"
"I'm not going anywhere."
"That's what Gabe said, too."
Steph's face fell and she dropped her arms to her sides. "I…I don't know for sure what's going to happen in the future. But I'm here now. So, let me help you now. Please just let me, Alex. Please."
Alex watched as an aura bloomed around Steph, a deep orange color like the center of a candle flame. As the aura grew brighter, its emotion washed over her, a gentle, soothing balm that cut through the anguish that was threatening to tear her apart. She gasped as the pain faded from her chest, allowing her to breathe fully for the first time in what felt like days. Her body went limp, and all she could do was lean forward and hope that Steph would catch her.
As Steph's arms wrapped around her, Alex felt something inside her give way and then she was sobbing, clutching at Steph's shirt as she cried into her shoulder.
