Alex was awake but had her eyes closed as she lay still in Steph's arms. They were lying in bed with Alex's head tucked under Steph's chin, holding each other with their legs tangled together. Alex had woken up almost twenty minutes ago but couldn't bring herself to move away from Steph. Her mind was clear for the first time in weeks, every part of her focused on savoring the feeling of Steph against her, listening to her slow, even breathing as she slept.
Why did I wait so long to ask for this?
She smiled when Steph shifted and pulled her just a little bit closer.
This feeling, it's like joy but…calmer? More peaceful? Maybe…content is a better word.
It reminds me of that new emotion I felt from Steph last night. With the orange aura.
I still can't figure out what it was. It seemed sort of familiar, but I can't remember when I've felt it before.
But I know it's what saved me.
Steph shifted again as she drifted awake. Joy bloomed in her chest when she realized Alex was still in her arms, mixing with her drowsiness to fill her with a gentle, buzzing warmth. The feeling spread to Alex almost instantly and she tightened her embrace, grinning when Steph kissed the top of her head.
"This is nice," Steph mumbled, her voice still groggy. "We should do this more often."
Alex snuggled closer, her smile getting even wider. "We really should."
Steph hummed in response as she pressed another kiss to the top of Alex's head. "I think we can make that happen. Did you sleep okay?"
"Yeah. I finally didn't have any nightmares."
"Makes sense. I used one of my spells before we fell asleep last night. Nightmare banishment."
"Well, it worked. I should've asked you to use it earlier."
"Lucky for you, it's a cantrip. It doesn't use any spell slots, so I can use it as much as I want."
Alex snorted. "You're such a nerd."
"Says the nerd who understood everything I just said," Steph muttered, her smile clear in her voice.
"Only because you turned me into one. I used to be cool, Steph. Look what you did."
"Mmm, yeah, I can't really say I'm sorry about that. You're a really cute nerd," Steph said, another pulse of joy radiating out from her when Alex laughed. "We should probably get up now, though."
Alex squeezed her arms around Steph one last time before she rolled away. She sat up and moved to the edge of the bed but stopped when Steph's arm wrapped around her waist. "I thought we were getting up," she said, laughing softly when Steph moved behind her.
"Yeah, duh, dude, that's obviously what I'm doing." Steph pulled Alex against her and kissed her shoulder. "Do you know what you wanna do this morning?"
Alex sighed, looking down as she rested one of her hands on top of Steph's. "Not really."
"Is it okay if I text Ryan, then? He's good at figuring out stuff like this. And I can ask him to bring food because I'm pretty sure that's the only way we're getting breakfast."
"That's a good idea. But at some point, I should probably start buying my own groceries."
"Yeah, probably. But I don't think Ryan will mind you mooching one more time." Steph kissed Alex's shoulder again before moving to get her phone from the dresser.
Alex grabbed her glasses and phone from the nightstand, taking one more deep breath before she got up from the bed. "I'm gonna go up to the roof for a bit," she said, gesturing toward the stairs when Steph looked up from her phone.
"Do you want me to come with you?"
Alex shook her head, giving Steph an apologetic look. "I think I'd rather be by myself for a bit, if that's okay."
Steph watched her for a few seconds before giving her a small smile. "Sure, yeah. Just let me know if you need me to come up."
Alex returned Steph's smile before heading up the stairs to the rooftop. Once she was outside, she sat in one of the patio chairs, rubbing her arms as the cool morning air made her shiver. She took a deep breath and leaned back to look up at the faint streaks of color that the sunrise had left in the clouds.
After a moment, she frowned, rubbing her arms again as she tried to fight down the dread creeping up her spine. She could still feel that mess of anger, fear, and sadness simmering in her chest, subdued for now but ready to roar back to life if she wasn't careful.
Did I even make a dent in any of this? What was the point of all that if it didn't actually help me process anything? It feels like it's just waiting to grab me again the second I slip up.
And why does this feel so much harder without Steph next to me?
It felt so far away when I was with her, but I can't just never leave her side again.
Alex sighed and looked at Gabe sitting in the chair across from her. "You were right. About having to process all the stuff that's happened to me. And about me not being able to do this alone."
"This may come as a surprise to you, but sometimes I do actually know what I'm talking about," Gabe said, giving her a smug grin.
Alex rolled her eyes, dropping her gaze to her hands as she started to fiddle with her rings. "I just have no idea what to do next. I thought I actually made some progress but now I'm not so sure."
"I get it. This was hard for me, too."
"I keep thinking about what Dad would say if he could see me like this."
Gabe exhaled slowly, crossing his arms as he sat back in his chair. "Yeah, we weren't exactly a talking-about-your-feelings kind of family."
"Yeah, no shit." Alex turned sideways in her chair to face Gabe. "Can't you just tell me what you did so I can try that, too?"
Gabe shook his head. "It doesn't work that way."
"Oh, come on. You can't give me anything? I need your help."
"No, Alex, listen. The people who can help you aren't up here." Gabe leaned over the table and pointed toward the door. "One of them is waiting downstairs and the rest of them will be here as soon as you tell them you need their help. You just have to ask."
Alex shifted so she was facing forward again, setting her hands in her lap as she started to pick at the hem of her shorts. "Are you sure that's a good idea? It feels…selfish to get them involved in this. It's my problem, not theirs. And if I have to rely on them so much, doesn't that just fuck me over in the end? It feels nice to get their help, but I don't want to get used to them being there when they could still just decide to leave." Her hands stilled, her fingers curling and pressing down until she could feel the bite of her nails through the fabric of her shorts. "I've tried this before, Gabe. Everyone always leaves."
"This time will be different."
Alex scoffed and crossed her arms. "You don't know that."
"It was different for me here. I know it can be for you, too. And you've already started. You already have people here who care about you and want to help you."
Alex paused, fighting back the lump rising in her throat until she was sure her voice wouldn't shake. "Every time I think I'm starting to get my life together, it gets shattered to pieces right in front of me. How can I be sure it won't end that way again?"
"You can't. But you gotta remember, no matter how many times that happens, there will always be pieces that are worth picking up again." Gabe waited until Alex turned to look at him, giving her a fond smile. "I have to go now. And you have to go downstairs and pick up that next piece."
Alex held his gaze until tears blurred her vision and she had looked away. She took a deep, shuddering breath, squeezing her eyes shut to stop herself from crying again.
Why does this always have to be so hard? Can't I get an easy thing to deal with for once?
Ugh, I'm so tired of crying.
She leaned forward with her elbows on her thighs, pushing up her glasses to swipe at the tears falling down her cheeks.
This is still really scary but it felt so much simpler when I was with Steph. And Ryan will be here soon, too.
They're part of why Gabe felt at home here, so maybe they can help me figure out what to do.
I obviously can't do this alone, but maybe I really do have a chance if I let them help me.
Alex let out a long exhale before she stood up, wiped her eyes one final time, and headed for the door.
She made it halfway down the steps into her apartment before she slowed, coming to a stop on the bottom landing. Steph was sitting on the couch looking at her phone but got up when she saw Alex coming down the stairs. Alex stayed where she was as Steph walked to the bottom of the steps and smiled up at her.
"I don't…" Alex stopped when her voice cracked. She swallowed and took a deep breath before speaking again. "I don't know how to do this."
Steph's brow creased slightly as she tilted her head to the side. "How to do what?"
Alex sighed, gesturing vaguely around her. "Any of it. I don't know how to process all the crap from my past. Or how to start building a life for myself. And I don't know how to have a relationship with you that I won't eventually fuck up."
Steph reached for Alex's hands and guided her down to stand on the bottom step. "We'll figure it out, okay? Together. That's kind of the whole point of being in a relationship."
Alex frowned and looked down at their hands. "I just don't want to lose control around you. I never want to make you feel like that again."
"I know." Steph reached up to brush the hair from Alex's face before resting her hand on Alex's cheek. "I know it wasn't on purpose. And I could've done a better job at dealing with my own shit, too. I don't want you to ever feel like that again either."
"So, you're not mad at me? Or…afraid of me?"
"No. Can't you tell?"
"Yeah, but…I would be mad at me."
Steph sighed, slowly rubbing her thumb back and forth across Alex's cheek. "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't frustrated. But I'm not angry. I just wish you would've asked for help sooner. Before things got this bad."
"I know. I'm sorry. I get that I can't do this by myself now. And I'm going to sort through this. I have no idea how yet, but I'm going to figure it out. I don't want this getting in the way of us."
"I don't either. But remember, you're doing this for yourself, too. I know this last week has been hard for you, and you deserve to feel better than that."
Alex nodded, finally looking up to meet Steph's eyes. "I'll try to remember that. And I'm going to be more honest with you, too, I promise. I won't let it get to this point again." She paused, taking a deep breath before she was able to speak again. "Are…are you sure this isn't asking too much of you? Working through all of this is going to be really hard. And I can't promise I won't get overwhelmed again."
Steph gave Alex another fond smile as an orange aura started to shimmer around her. "I know. But I'm not just here for the easy parts of you. I'm here for the messier stuff, too."
Alex held Steph's gaze for a few seconds before wrapping her arms around Steph's shoulders and pulling her into a fierce hug.
After a moment, Steph pulled back from the embrace but kept her arms around Alex. "I do have a question for you, though."
Alex gave her a hesitant look. "Yeah?"
"How does it feel to finally be the tall one?"
Alex laughed and shook her head as she smiled. "It's pretty nice up here. I think I could get used to it."
Steph tilted her head to the side, sucking in air through her teeth. "Oh, sucks for you, Chen, because I'm tall everywhere we go. But for you, I just have to do this…" She put her arms around Alex's waist, lifted her off the step, and set her down on the floor next to her. "And you're the short one again."
Alex grabbed the front of Steph's shirt, going up on her toes to pull Steph into a kiss. She broke away a few seconds later, grinning at the dazed look on Steph's face. "I'm still tall enough to do that."
Steph grinned, reaching for Alex again and angling her head down to bump their foreheads together. "Yeah, good thing, huh? We'd really be missing out if you were even just a little bit shorter."
There was a knock at the door but neither of them moved to answer it.
Steph started to pull away but stopped when Alex's arms tightened around her. "That's probably Ryan. We should let him in."
Alex dropped her head onto Steph's shoulder and groaned. "Do we have to? Can't I kiss you for a little longer before we deal with things?"
"As tempting as that is, we did ask him to come over. And he has food."
Alex groaned again but loosened her hold on Steph. "Ugh, fine. But only because he has food."
Steph laughed and walked to the door, opening it to reveal Ryan standing in the hallway with several plastic shopping bags in his hands.
"You guys know that this door is pretty thin, right?" Ryan said, looking between Alex and Steph. "Which means that I can hear you talking about making out instead of opening it."
Steph rolled her eyes and swept her hand out in front of her. "Yeah, but we still let you in, didn't we?"
Ryan sighed and shook his head. "Well, at least I know that I'm ranked slightly higher in your priorities than making out with Alex."
Steph reached out to take two of the bags from Ryan, closing the door behind him as he stepped inside. "Sorry, dude, but we only let you in because you had food. Otherwise, kissing Alex definitely would've won."
Ryan sighed again but there was a smile on his face as he made his way to the kitchen. "That's fair. Good to know where I stand, I guess." He set the bags down on the counter and turned to grab the trash can. "Let's get rid of anything that's too old to keep—yes, Alex, I know you have rotten food in the fridge, it's fine, we're gonna deal with it—and get this new stuff put away."
Alex leaned against the back of the couch, giving Ryan a sheepish smile. "Yeah, there's definitely some stuff in there I should've thrown out already. What should I do?"
"Hmm." Ryan paused after pulling a few things out of the fridge, turning around to face Alex. "Maybe brush your teeth? Something small that'll help you feel better."
Alex frowned, crossing her arms and tapping her fingers against her elbow. "Okay, but that's, like, a really small thing. What comes after that? I don't—"
"Alex." Ryan held up a hand to stop her. "One thing at a time. Start with brushing your teeth and we'll worry about the rest after that."
"Okay." Alex let out a deep breath and nodded. "I'll go do that." She pushed away from the couch and headed to the bathroom.
Once she was inside, she stepped up to the sink, leaning forward to look at herself in the mirror. There were dark bags under her eyes, part of her hair was still plastered to her forehead from sweat or rain, and her eyes were red and puffy from crying.
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
Steph and Ryan are here to help me and I'm going to get through this.
I'm going to get through this.
She took off her glasses and bent down to splash water on her face before grabbing her toothbrush. When she was finished, she walked back to the kitchen to find Steph and Ryan talking quietly. They both looked up when she approached, giving her warm smiles that she couldn't help but return.
"Okay," Alex said as she sat down at the table. "Brush teeth, check. What's next?"
Ryan shrugged. "That depends. What would make you feel better?"
Alex thought for a moment before answering. "I think showering and changing my clothes. I've been wearing these ones for…" She stopped and made a face as she looked down at herself. "I don't even know how long anymore, but way too long."
Ryan nodded. "Sounds good. While you're doing that, I can make breakfast and Steph can clean up the apartment a bit, if that's okay?"
"Yeah. That would be great." Alex got up and made it halfway to the bathroom before she darted back into the kitchen. She grabbed Steph's hand and pulled her a few steps closer to Ryan so she could hug each of them with one arm.
"You're welcome," Steph said, smiling as she kissed Alex's forehead.
Ryan hesitated for half a second before patting Alex on the back. "Uh, I'm not gonna kiss you, but yeah, you're welcome."
Alex laughed, squeezing both of them one more time before she headed for the bathroom, already feeling lighter than she had in days.
