Her Sweetness: -sings- She has a girlfriend now, she said "guys don't do no mo' for me"…


—Hot Man, Hot Dog—

Part Twelve: Guys Don't Do No Mo For Me

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Otogi."

"Otogi, who?"

"Otogi, the guy you're living with, now let me in there!"

Joey groaned at the raven-haired boy's scratching at his door. Even knowing Otogi, Joey didn't think that living here temporarily would be this big of a hassle. Never was he left with a moment's peace. He had just got done dealing with Tristan and his single-mindedness. Then he called Yugi and Yami to tell them of the good news though he wasn't so sure that Yugi was as ecstatic as he should've been.

Ever since hanging up with Yugi, Joey had been in his room with Hot Dog and a large phonebook. His concentration was broken when the knocking came followed by Otogi's voice.

The blonde shook his head, shouting back at the closed door, "I'm busy, Otogi, come back later."

"Joey, let me in! What are you so busy with that you don't have time for the ever wonderful and magical me?"

"Ugh… I-I'm using the bathroom!"

There was a pause. "Joey, you don't have a bathroom in there! I better not have to call the carpet cleaners!"

"… Damn." Joey sighed and then turned to his fiancée who was resting on the floor beside him. "Hot Dog, Otogi won't leave, what should I tell him?"

"…"

"Well I know it's mean but Otogi really is annoying and he'd only mess this up even more if he were in here."

"…"

"… Hey, that might work! Thanks." He cleared his throat and then called over, "You can't come in, Otogi, I'm not dressed."

Suddenly the door burst open and Otogi appeared on the other side, a wicked smile on his lips. But that quickly transformed into a frown when he saw Joey in a dark red t-shirt and denim jeans, sitting Indian-style on the carpet. He pouted, throwing his arms across one another and shouting: "You lied to me, Joey Wheeler!"

"Well, hey, I didn't think you would actually come in!" He shouted back, red in the face.

Otogi starred at him blankly as if you say, 'Come on, this is me we're talking about.' Joey waited for a moment before he lifted and dropped his shoulders, obviously waving the white flag. "Alright, now that you're here, what do you want?"

"Oh, just to be close to my number one guy," He'd zipped over to the spot where Joey and his companion were seated and latched himself onto Joey's arm, smiling up at him.

Joey twisted his mouth. "Don't call me your number one guy." He said, "What about Tristan?"

"Well, Tristan's whining at me to butter his neck. I can't stand people who are needy like that! People who just can't take the hint to leave you alone! Don't they get on your nerves, Joey?"

"Oh yeah."

"See, we're so alike!" Otogi beamed and looked down at the yellow pages opened before him. He scanned the page quickly, looking to see if there were any Sex Shops nearby that he was not familiar with but instead, noticed that the book was opened to the Wedding pages. He gasped.

"Joey! You're looking for wedding chapels, aren't you?" He sounded as if he were accusing Joey of committing a crime.

The blonde looked down at Otogi and reddened a little, scratching the back of his head. "Well, yeah, I was, but then you came in and—"

"Oh Joey!" Otogi shook his head fiercely, holding onto his cheeks with both of his hands, giggling and blushing. "This is so sudden… I never even thought of marrying you! Don't tell me, that's why you've been hanging around Tristan all these years! Now it all makes sense! Those secret, lust-filled glances you give me while I'm standing near Tristan, those soft touches of my hand in the hallway! Even those feelings I got at Battle City when I could see you from the dueling platform, undressing me with your eyes! Oh, Joey, you know, all you had to do was ask for it, baby!"

And with that, he launched himself onto Joey, not giving the poor boy a change to defend himself.

Hot Dog was forced to watch as it's husband-to-be was sexually assaulted. Fortunately for both Joey and Hot Dog, Otogi only got as far as taking off Joey's shirt before the door to the bedroom opened once again, this time with Tristan on the other side, a satisfied smile on his face, probably because he was no longer stuck in an oven rack. His smile quickly dropped to an oval shape.

"Joey!" Tristan shouted, outraged.

"It wasn't me!" He cried back, looking quite innocent with Otogi straddling his hips and tearing his shirt.

Tristan narrowed his eyes at Otogi.

"Um…" He blinked, "God told me to…?"

"… Ugh! Otogi, what am I going to do with you?"

"Well, hey, Tristan, don't get all huffy with me!" He folded his arms and then looked down at miserable Joey beneath him. "After all, Joey's lonely! All he has is some wrinkled piece of meat!"

"That's all he wants." Tristan rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, that's all I want!" Joey sat up, jiggling Otogi until the teen fell onto the floor. He brushed himself off. "I wasn't looking for a wedding chapel for me and you, Otogi, it's for me and Hot Dog!"

"… Oh."

Tristan shook his head, turning around for the hallway. "I'm not listening to this. You guys can play pretend all you want but Joey is not getting married to that hotdog and, Otogi, don't let me catch you on top of Joey again!"

"Don't worry, you won't…" Otogi said begrudgingly. When Tristan was half way down the hallway and out of earshot, he added quietly: "I'm gonna be on bottom."

"You are not!" Joey shouted, clearly hearing Otogi declaration. He shook his head once he had the boy's attention. "Otogi, I'm not into guys that way. I'm just not. It's like… Um, it's like trying to make you fall for a girl! Gonna happen anytime soon?"

"Hell no."

"Exactly." He smiled, proud of his analysis. "So, now that we're on the same page, are you gonna do that again?"

"Yes."

"Great, so—Wait! Y-You said yes!"

Otogi broke out into a fit of giggles and waved his hand at flustered Joey. "I was kidding. I'm not interested in you, anyway, Joey. To be honest, last night, when you were sleeping, I took your virginity. You didn't seem to mind then."

There was an intense silence in the room. So intense, in fact, that it only lasted for 0.3 milliseconds before Joey blew up, his face now as red as his t-shirt that was torn in two, laying on the floor.

"YOU DID WHAT? OTOGI! YOU'RE INSANE! YOU FREAK, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD STOOP SO LOW! I'M SUPPOSED TO GET MARRIED AND I'VE WORKED SO HARD TO KEEP MY VIRGINITY ALL THESE YEARS! YOU WRECKED IT ALL IN ONE NIGHT! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF, HUH, OTOGI? HUH?"

He shrugged. "It was fun?"

"OOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOGGGGGGGGGGGGGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

Another outburst of giggles and Joey stopped in mid-lunge at the raven-haired boy. Otogi lifted his head up and, in between chuckles, he said: "Joey, I'm kidding."

"…" Joey's face dropped.

"Y-You should've seen how upset you were! It was so funny! Aw, poor Joey," He stifled the rest of his laughter to consol the blonde by hugging him.

"Don't touch me." Joey pouted.

"He he he! Where's your sense of humor, huh?" He patted Joey on the back, continuing, "I would never do such a thing without your consent, Joey. And, just so you know, that soreness you woke up with was me. I thought it would be fun to kick you all night. Ee he he he!"

"… Hilarious."

He grinned. "Look, I'll make it up to you. You just go down there and make up with Tristan and I'll stay up here and find a nice place for you to get married to your wiener, mm'kay?"

"Uh, um, t-that might not be a good idea, O—"

"Nonsense! Of course it is, I'm Domino's Love Guru and nobody can do this better than me!"

Joey's left eye twitched. "Love Guru, is it?"

"Now you just go on down there and…" He trailed off as he pushed Joey to the door of the room.

"W-Wait a minute! The last time I left you in a room alone with Hot Dog, it had to go through major surgery! How do I know you won't mess with it again?"

"You have my word."

"What good is that?" He shouted.

"Goodbye, Joey!" Otogi smiled, shoving the blonde into the hallway and shutting the door behind him.

Joey stuck around the door for a minute or two, his ear to the crack of it to try and hear if there were any strange sounds coming from either of them. After he heard nothing but Otogi talking about how cute he was, he decided to go down stairs, to take Otogi's advice and see if he might indeed be able to patch up things with Tristan.

When he got to the living room, Tristan was sitting on the couch with the television volume down all the way and the phone receiver up to his ear. He was talking in a hushed voice. Joey blinked and crouched down on all fours, slinking from the bottom step of the staircase over to the back of the couch. He sat up and put his head in the crook of the armrest so that he could hear what was going on.

"Yeah," Tristan said into the receiver, moving it closer to his ear. "Yeah, he's still talking about this marriage thing. Him and Otogi are up there right now, the last time I checked. Yugi, what am I gonna do?" He asked, exasperated.

"Tristan, calm down." Yugi's voice was heard, him using his comforting tone with Tristan.

"I can't calm down, he thinks that hotdog is alive. Say that in your mind."

"Tristan—"

"Do it," He whispered, harshly.

There was a pause. "Alright, I did it."

"Now doesn't that sound ridiculous? A grown man believing that a piece of meat can talk and marry?"

"I know where you're coming from, Tristan, believe me, but I think you have to take Joey's feelings into consideration. I talked to him today and that hotdog may not be alive or real to us, but to him, it is."

"Well what can we do about that, then?"

"… Hmm. Oh, hold on, Tristan. W-What is it, Yami?"

A few mumbles followed and Yugi answering in the positive or negative. In a second, Yugi came back on the line and said to Tristan: "Yami has an idea, Tristan and, surprisingly… it's a good one."

"Wow. Yami had a good idea?"

"Yeah, it's… a little creepy."

"Tell me about it. Anyway, so what's this grand idea of his? Even if it wasn't good, I'm so desperate, I'd try anything."

"Well, here's what we've got— Oh Ra! Yami, don't do that! Yami! OH MY FREAKING RA! YAMI! GET THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER! NO! THE BIG RED BOTTLE! NOT THAT BIG RED BOTTLE!"

There was a long pause and Tristan blinked into the phone, asking curiously: "Y-Yugi? Everything okay?"

"WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

"… Well that isn't good. Stop, drop and roll, Yugi!"

A few more screams and the phone line went dead.

"Yugi? Yugi? Aw man…" Tristan shook his head and set the receiver back onto the cradle, simultaneously putting his forearm on Joey's blonde head.

"AHHH!"

"AHHH!"

They both jumped away from each other and landed on opposite sides of the room, starring at the other, wide-eyed. Tristan had scrambled to the other side of the couch while Joey panted on the floor, clutching at his heart. Having caught his breath and realizing who it was, Tristan's eyebrows slanted foreword.

"Joey, were you listening to my conversation?"

Joey, incoherent from the yelling and his current situation, looked around and yelled out: "Quack!" before screaming and running back up the stairs and into the hallway.

Tristan watched him go and, for lack of anything better to do, whispered, "Moo."

.0.0.

Joey opened the door to his temporary room in Otogi's house. He shut it tightly behind him and kept his hands on the doorknob while he tried to sort out his thoughts. Tristan had scarred him so bad, his mind had gone completely blank and did he shout out quack?

Just as he had gotten into the room, Otogi, who was on the floor next to Hot Dog, turned around, closing the top of his cell phone.

"Hey there, Joey," He smiled. "So did you and Tristan make up? Are you two all lovey-dovey again?"

"First of all," Joey wheezed out, "We never were lovey-dovey. And second, no, we didn't make up. He scared me and I said quack."

"…"

"Yeah."

"Um, alright. So, anyway, I found the perfect place! I made you an appointment with the wedding planner tomorrow at eight."

"Aw, thanks, Otogi!" He beamed, almost about to hug the boy but then thought better of it. He took Otogi's hand instead and shook it. "So, it wasn't hard for you to find a good place, was it?"

He thought for a second. "Actually, yeah. I called six other chapels and they all hung up on me once I told them the situation! It was so scandalous. But I got it done, the guy sounded really nice on the phone, let's just hope he's that way when we go tomorrow."

"Yeah, let's hope so—" He stopped himself, a huge sigh coming out all on it's own. "We?"

"Yes." Otogi zipped over, once again attaching himself to Joey. He shouted, "You and me, together forever! … Oh and your wiener, too."

"My fiancée."

"Whatever."


TBC…