Her Sweetness: Hello, hello. I don't have much to say right now… but then again, I never do! … Does anyone notice this?
—Hot Man, Hot Dog—
Part Thirteen: IT'S JUST SO SUPER!
It was early the next morning and Tristan awoke on Otogi's living room couch. He thought that was strange at first until he realized that he never went home the night before and instead entertained himself with an I Love Lucy marathon that carried on into the wee hours of the morning. The last coherent thought he had was that maybe he should just give in and let Joey marry that damn hotdog.
When he woke up, still in the same spot, he thought this idea over and before he came to a decision, there was a stampeding sound coming from overhead. He turned around, looked to the bottom of the staircase and saw Joey running down, hotdog in hand and Otogi on his back, shouting, "Onward, insolent puppy!"
"Damn, Otogi, stop pulling my ears!" Joey shouted back.
They all went out the door in a confused, ridiculous ball. Tristan, still seated, watched Otogi's car pull away and a few people walking down the street had to dive into the bushes to avoid being hit. The old ladies didn't dive in time and were used as speed bumps.
That's when Tristan shook his head and said to himself: "Nah. That boy's crazy enough without a hotdog as his bride."
Two hours later the doorbell rang.
Ding Dong…
When Tristan opened the door he was more than a little surprised to see both Yami and Yugi standing on the porch. The smaller of the two looked much worse than the last time Tristan had seen him, now adorned in slings for both arms, a cast on his left leg and an eye patch. Yami stood behind the hikari with a splint for his thumb.
"Whoa, what happened to you guys?"
"Yami happened, Tristan." Yugi said, glaring at his other half with his good eye. "Can we come in?"
"Uh, sure,"
He moved aside so the cripple could come inside along with Yami who followed timidly, obviously keeping his distance from Yugi. When Yugi was sitting on the couch, his bad leg up on the coffee table, Tristan cleared his throat. "So… did you come to tell me that plan of yours?"
"First of all." Yugi said, not looking at Tristan at all but at Yami. "I would like to say, Tristan, that I'm sorry we had to come over and bug you like this. I would've told you the plan over the phone yesterday but there was a little problem that needed dealing with."
Yami groaned suddenly. "Oh, Yugi, I said I was sorry."
"Sorry? Sorry? I can't believe you just said sorry to me!" The tiny boy stood up but fell down and Yami busted out laughing. He stopped when Yugi whacked him over the head with his crutch.
"OW!"
"You disserve pain! You and your stupid thumb! Look at me! I should be on my death bed thanks to you! You and your stupid not-knowing-anything-ness!"
Tristan watched as Yugi continued to yell at and whack his yami. He tried to intervene but it seemed hopeless at one point.
"Hey, you guys—"
"Shut up, Tristan!" Yugi growled, sending a quick look of annoyance the brunette's way. He turned back to Yami who was holding his head. "Do you know how much money the renovations at the Game Shop are going to cost? Do you, Yami?"
"N-No, I don't!" He whined.
"Well you're going to find out!"
Whack.
Whack.
Whack.
"Aa-aah! Yugi, please stop!"
Tristan frowned. "Hey, don't stand on the coffee table!"
"Yugi, calm down!"
"Calm down? Calm down? I can't believe you just said calm down to me!"
Whack.
Whack.
"Good Ra, make it stop!"
"Get off the damn coffee table!"
.0.0.
A black Mercedes had been cruising through all of Domino for almost the entire morning. Joey was at the wheel now, having taken it away from Otogi who sent three members of the Domino City Crochet Club to an early grave. But the three women were over eighty and Otogi said it wasn't such an early grave. Joey took over anyway. But with the blonde driving, he depended on the raven-haired boy to dish out the directions.
"Damn it, Otogi, we're going in a circle."
"We are not!" Otogi flipped the map around. "This is the right way!"
Joey shook his head. "I've seen this same tree six times already!"
"… You can't identify a tree, Joseph."
"I can identify the little boy sitting in it."
Otogi stuck his tongue out finally and sat back in the seat, folding the corners of the map. He glanced at Joey. "You know, you're a real pessimist. Why can't you be more like me, huh?"
"Because I don't want my phone number written all over the bathroom wall at Pizza Hut."
"It's Burger King, thank you very much. Pizza Hut is for sluts."
"Well pardon me."
He huffed and turned his nose up. "You don't have to be so rude to me, Joey. And after all the work, trying to find a place for you and your little wiener, this is the thanks I get?"
There was a pause before Joey sighed, giving in. "Aw, alright, I'm sorry. I'm just on edge, that's all. It's nerve-racking, going to meet some wedding planner that you like. Do you know how scary that is?"
"Are you questioning my taste in men?"
"I'm questioning your taste in sanity, yeah." Joey turned the wheel again, trying to avoid that tree with the boy sitting in it. When he did, Otogi blinked and began to flail around in his seat, latching himself to Joey's head.
Joey, startled and losing control of the car, shouted: "Otogi! Sit down!"
"But that's it, Joey, that's the place right there!" He squealed back, pointing foreword. "I found it!"
"OTOGI!"
"WHEEE!"
A few circles and a grazing of lampposts here and there before the car ran right into the parking lot of the building that Otogi had raucously pointed out to his car-companion. Though, when they were finally parked and got out of the car, looking back at the street, they saw more than a few drivers pointing at them and shouting obscenities.
"Uhm… Come on, Otogi, let's go inside before they turn into an angry mob," Joey sweatdropped, unbuckling Hot Dog from it's seatbelt in the back seat.
Otogi nodded thoughtfully. "Right… so what makes a mop angry?"
"Mob! Not mop!"
A beat of thought. "Well I don't get it. Come on, Joey, we're late as it is." Otogi turned around then heading for the door of the chapel. Joey groaned and followed, Hot Dog in hand.
Before they actually got inside the place, Joey noticed that it was very nice looking on the outside; white with small, naked angels riding horses. Of course, when Joey commented on this, Otogi got defensive and claimed that none of the angels were as hot as him.
"I wasn't talking about being hot!" Joey frowned.
"Hey, I'm just letting you know."
"Why is everything with you so sexual?"
Otogi winked as they opened the doors into the main room. "You wanna know?"
"… Never mind…"
"Oh! Hello!"
They both stopped their peculiar bantering and looked up from each other, across the finely decorated lobby to a reception desk. Seated there was a normal looking man, a bit too thin and a head of thick blonde hair. His green eyes were hidden behind thick, horn-rimmed glasses that sat too high on his nose. He got up from the desk and met Joey and Otogi half-way in the room.
Before either of them could say anything, the man grabbed Joey's hand and shook it a little too hard. As Joey cringed, the man smiled and sang out: "Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome! Welcome to the SUPER Chapel of Love!"
"U-Um, thank you," Joey finally succeeded in pulling his hand away from the tight grip. He blew on it, trying to rid it of the redness. "I'm Joey Wheeler—"
"Oh! I remember hearing that name yesterday! Now let's see, you must be Otogi Ryuuji, isn't that right?" He smiled at Otogi and took his hand as well but before he had time to damage that one too, Otogi pulled away and smiled.
"I just had a manicure," He flashed his ruby-red nails. "But, yes, I am the infamous Otogi Ryuuji, Domino's personal—"
"Burger King slut." Joey rolled his eyes.
"Jo-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
"Alright, I'm sorry!"
"Oh my," Their attention was once again brought to the man standing in front of them. "What a lively bunch you are! My name is Charlie Tinkles, I'm the SUPER's owner, planner, receptionist, Justice of the Peace and water boy."
"… Water boy?"
"Hey, I do so much, I need water every now and again," Charlie shrugged.
Joey looked at Otogi and then back at Charlie. "So… let me get this straight, you're the only person who works here?"
"Righty-o, Joe. I built this place about two years ago but it isn't very popular and no one ever applies for a job! Every few months or so, I get a couple who comes here to get married and I am filled with such joy." He smiled, hugging himself. "After all, this chapel is one of a kind, those kinds of couples can't go anywhere else to get legally married!"
Both boys looked at each other, Otogi coughing as he asked: "… What does SUPER stand for?"
"Sexual Usage of Pets Except Reptiles."
"…!" Joey's mouth hung open.
"… Oh," Otogi blinked.
Charlie tiled his head to the side. "Something wrong?"
"N-Nothing… Excuse us for a sec," Joey said before whisking Otogi to another corner of the room where they could talk in private. Though it wasn't so private with Joey shouting at the top of his lungs. "Otogi! You freak, you called a bestiality chapel!"
"How was I supposed to know that's what it was!" He shouted back. "It said nothing of the sort in the ad I read!"
Joey tapped his foot impatiently. "You have the ad with you?"
"Uh… yeah," He dug in his leather pockets and pulled out a ripped out page of the yellow book. Joey took it and read most of it to himself.
"A peaceful place to tie the knot with your furry friend?" Joey squealed, appalled at the sentence. He looked at Otogi. "How could you misinterpret that?"
"Ohhh, I dunno…" Otogi sniffed, wiping at his eyes. "Stop yelling at me…!"
"… Ugh," He shook his head, calming himself down. He looked at the hotdog in his hand. "We're sunk, Hot Dog, we can't get married here!"
"…"
"Why not? Whaddya mean, 'why not'? Because this is a loony bin for people with a fetish for paws and tails!"
"…"
"But—"
"…"
Joey's mouth twisted until it was a jagged line. He stayed like that for a moment before letting out a breath and groaning. "Fine… Whatever you want."
"…"
Joey blushed.
Otogi blinked at the both of them. "So, fill me in."
"W-We're gonna go ahead with this place. It's not like we really have a choice anyway, there aren't many places that we'd have a chance at being accepted."
"GREAT!"
All three of them, Hot Dog included, just about jumped out of their skins at hearing Charlie Tinkles cheering behind them. As they caught their breath, Charlie continued, obviously excited.
"Oh we're going to have so much fun! There's so much to do and so little time! Come on to my Back Room, there are forms to be filled! I have pie! Do you two like pie? It's blueberry! Do you two like blueberries? I have blueberry pie waiting for us, come on, let's go! Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go!"
Joey blinked. "This guy's weird."
"I think he's cool!" Otogi squealed, eyes shut and fists balled.
"You think everything weird is cool,"
"I think you're cool, Joey," He winked and Joey ignored it, following Charlie's path to the back of the lobby and down a hallway into a room labeled Back Room. When they entered, the smell of blueberry pies filled their nostrils and Charlie danced over to his desk at the side of the room.
"Pie's over there," He pointed to the refrigerator by the couch.
Joey went right over and began rummaging through the loaded fridge to get to the pie.
"None for me," Otogi sat down in a comfortable seat in front of Charlie's desk, crossing his legs. "I'm on a diet."
"Oh but this blueberry pie isn't fatty at all!" Mr. Tinkles reassured him. "It's actually got ammonia to kill all the cholesterol."
Joey choked.
"Is that so?" Otogi nodded sagely. "Interesting,"
"Now, let's get down to business." Charlie looked up from a stack of papers piled on his desk. "Mr. Wheeler, I assume you're the one getting married, right? Where's your fiancée?"
Joey, after recovering from a wild coughing fit, sat down beside Otogi in the other chair and held up his bandaged, wrinkled hotdog to Charlie. "T-This is Hot Dog."
"Um…" Charlie Tinkles was not sure how to react as he blinked at the thing Joey held. He thought for a moment before saying: "W-Well… it is a piece of meat but it was once a cow or a pig or… something. I suppose it's okay! Just as long as it wasn't made of a reptile." Charlie's voice had a mysterious lilt to it as he said 'reptile'.
"I've got a question," Otogi raised his hand.
"Yes, Mr. Ryuuji?"
"Why won't you let people marry reptiles?"
"BECAUSE!" His voice boomed and, for the third time that day, he scared all three of them.
"O-Okay…" Otogi blinked, scratching his head. "That's fine, then…"
Charlie's face immediately reverted back to a simple smile and he pushed his glasses up higher. Joey's ears perked up as Charlie addressed him: "Now, we'll just need to fill out a few forms, basic information and stuff like that. Your fiancée's maiden name and parents' names and birth date, things like that."
Joey groaned. "Again?"
.0.0.
"Now, are we finally going to be still?" Tristan looked at both Yami and Yugi as he said this. He had no idea the two of them could be so much to handle when a problem arose. To solve their argument, Tristan had to take away Yugi's crutch for the time being and he put a large cork in Yami's mouth, preventing him from provoking Yugi's wrath.
Yami nodded mutely.
Yugi sighed. "Sorry Tristan. Okay, I'll get to the reason we came here."
"Great," Tristan smiled and sat back down in his chair.
"Yami's idea… was to simply take Joey's hotdog away. And then when he realizes it's gone, maybe some sense will be knocked into him and he'll forget all about it."
Tristan blinked before nodding, considering the idea. "But he's always got it with him, how would we get it away?"
"When he's sleeping, of course. Tonight for example, do you think you could do it, Tristan?" Yugi lifted his two broken arms. "I'd help but—"
"Yeah, yeah, I know. Well, I guess I could…" He thought some more. "Hey, wait. With Joey so 'in love' with this thing, wouldn't taking it away cause him to… I dunno, do something crazy? He might try to commit suicide or something."
"Then we'll have to tie him down. Whatever it takes, we have to get through to him before this gets out of hand," Yugi said with determination.
"… You're right, Yugi." Tristan nodded. "Tonight, then, I'll do it!"
Yami nibbled on the cork.
TBC…
