Her Sweetness: Alright, listen up. Let the record show that I, Her Sweetness, am not (nor have I ever been) a bachelor! I'm going to do my best and if it sounds wrong or a little fruity, OH WELL!
Please enjoy. :D
—Hot Man, Hot Dog—
Part Seventeen: Dizzy Up The Boy
"Otogi, I don't remember asking for a bachelor party!"
"So you've got a bad memory," Otogi shrugged, turning the steering wheel at the same time. "I'm not going to hold that against you."
Joey's eye twitched and he wondered if a bachelor party was even worth putting up a fight over. True, he'd never been to one but he considered the idea that it may not be much different than a simple birthday party. He sighed and was quiet the rest of the ride through the East Side.
It was not ten minutes later when they were close to Otogi's street. Joey recognized it without looking up due to the loud, passionate screams of the street's promiscuous octogenarians. The car pulled into the driveway of the house at the end of the street. Joey finally looked up when Otogi's door opened and the teen exited.
He opened his door as well and followed the raven-haired boy up the lawn. When they reached the front door, Joey's left eyebrow raised all on it's own. The front door was wide open and there was a velvet rope that had been placed around the walk up to the porch. People were filing inside after speaking to two playboy bunnies in full costume who seemed rather familiar to the blonde.
Joey blinked. "Malik? Ryou? W-What are you doing?" His voice went up three octaves in that sentence.
"Please enjoy Joey's Bachelor Party," Ryou smiled sweetly at a man right after he had given him a five dollar bill and entered the house. Ryou turned to Joey, still smiling. "Oh, hallo, Joey! I'm so happy for you; you must be so excited."
"Well, excited's not really the word—"
"Everything looks great, you guys!" Otogi interrupted after examining the inside of the house where strobe lights attached to the ceiling. Men of all ages were inside, percolating and wiggling against each other wildly. Obscene games were being played in the back such as Bobbing for Condoms and Pin the Tail on the Sex Slave. Otogi nodded his approval and shooed Joey inside against his will.
Malik pointed to the black Mercedes in the driveway. "I'll go get it; you said it was in the trunk, right?"
"That's right," Otogi said as Malik went off and left him and Ryou at the door. Otogi turned to the albino in the pink bunny suit. "How much money have we made?"
"Hmm… Close to a hundred dollars. I did what you told me and charged the men according to how rich they looked but most of them had a bald spot and a beer gut. I didn't want to make their lives any worse than they already were," Ryou said sympathetically.
Otogi put his hands on his hips. "Oh phooey. Ryou, you're too nice! Who cares if their lives go to pop? We're here to make sure that Joey's party is well paid for!"
"But—"
"No. Here, shoo. I'll show you how it's done." Otogi waved Ryou out of the way and stood at the doorway, awaiting the next person.
A tall brunette in a flashy white trench coat came up to the door with a black ball of fur holding his hand.
Otogi whispered to Ryou, "Look, it's Kaiba! He's loaded."
Ryou nodded.
As said teen approached, Otogi readjusted his pantyhose and smirked at Kaiba. "Hey there, Kaiba. You're here for the party, right? A hundred grand per person, you know." Otogi winked, laying it on thick. "I'm letting you get in cheaper than some of the other guys, 'cause you're special to me."
"Yeah, that's great, Otogi," Kaiba kept his eyes focused on his younger brother. "Listen, do you have some kind of daycare I can put Mokuba in?"
The ball looked up. "I'm not an animal; you can't just put me somewhere and expect me to be happy with your decision, Seto!"
A pause.
Kaiba reached down and patted Mokuba's head, to which said boy attempted to bite him.
"Well," Otogi began, "I guess that wouldn't be a problem… Ryou will show you to the daycare room upstairs then."
Ryou stopped and then took Mokuba's other hand, leading him into the house. As they passed the partiers, Mokuba asked to play Pin the Tail on the Sex Slave but Ryou politely ushered him away from the game and up the stairs. When they entered the hallway, Ryou opened the last door on the left.
On the other side of the room was a wooden chair, in which sat Tristan, tied securely to it with feet upon feet of rope. His mouth was stuffed with something and a sock was tied around it to prevent him from screaming.
Mokuba's jaw dropped. "What happened to Tristan?"
"Oh, Otogi told Malik and I to tie him here a while ago so he wouldn't cause trouble at the party," the British teen came into the room and patted Tristan's head gently. "This is Otogi's thong in his mouth. I have no idea why he used the satin one. But I guess Otogi really cares about Tristan."
"…" Mokuba stood still for a moment before sitting on the bed in the center of the room. "So I'm supposed to stay here for the entire party? But knowing my brother, he'll get carried away and stay forever!"
"Mokuba, your brother strikes me as a very reserved person. I'm sure he's only here to pay his respects to Joey, that's all."
"… You make it sound like Joey died."
"Ah, gosh, I hope he hasn't! That'd really put a damper on the festivities."
"…" Mokuba paused and rolled his eyes. "Brits…"
Suddenly another form came into the doorway of the bedroom and it just happened to be Otogi with a little something gripped in his hand. He came sauntering inside and set beside Mokuba a bandaged piece of meat.
Mokuba looked up at him. "What's this?"
Otogi huffed, placing his hands on his hips. "It's Joey's fiancée. I had to wrestle that thing away from him downstairs! I told him that a bachelor party is for men only!"
"Alright, I'm not even going to say anything."
There was a pause and finally Otogi turned to Ryou who was still standing by poor Tristan. "Oh, Ryou! There you are. I swear, when I undertook this entire project, I had no idea how much trouble it would be! Not to mention I don't have my favorite satin thong to get through this mess. Tristan, sometimes I think I'm too nice to you."
Tristan's eyebrow raised and he began shouting through the sock that covered his mouth. "Humph humph! HUMPH!"
"And I love you, too."
"…"
"Come on, Ryou. Our public awaits." Otogi fluffed his hair and sashayed out the door, being followed by playboy-bunny Ryou. Mokuba watched them leave and when the door was shut, he turned back to Hot Dog and Tristan and said, "You know, I think I had a dream like this once."
.0.0.
"Otogi, where's Hot Dog?"
"Upstairs with Tristan and Big Daddy's little brother."
"… B-Big Daddy? Who the hell is that?"
"Kaiba."
"… Why do you call him—"
"He asked me to."
"… Okay," Joey heaved a sigh and fell back into the couch. The doors to the party had been closed since Malik came back in the house with a big trash bag so obviously heavy that Marik had to help him drag the thing into the kitchen. Joey didn't even feel like asking what that was about and he felt that no one would tell him even if he had asked.
It was obvious that the party was just getting started even at it's already police-alarming rate which worried Joey. Most of the people who attended didn't even look familiar. Finally a light bulb clicked on in the dark areas of the blonde's mind and he looked up at Otogi.
"Hey, you said Hot Dog's upstairs with Tristan? Well what happens if Tristan tries to do something to Hot Dog?"
Otogi shook his head. "You know, you worry too much. We have Tristan all taken care of. Why don't you relax and have fun, Joey?"
"I'm worried about Hot Dog!" he persisted.
"Oh, Joey. Hmm… Hey, I know what'll cheer you up." Otogi grinned and instructed Bakura—he happened to be the DJ for the party because, one, Otogi had a tight budget due to Tristan's mom's hospitalization (broke her back) and, two, because no one has a better Sunny and Cher collection than Bakura—to turn down the stereo so that everyone could hear him.
When Otogi's attention was being paid to everyone else, Marik slid up to the turntables where Bakura was standing and whispered, "Hey, would I regret asking why you have so many Sunny and Cher albums?"
"I don't think so."
"Okay then… Why do you have so many?"
"Ryou and I use them."
"But for what?"
"Mood-music."
There was a pause and finally Marik shouted, "You said I wouldn't regret asking! Good Ra!" Bakura watched, rather confusedly, as Marik went away.
"What's going on, Otogi?" Joey asked as said raven-haired teen gathered everybody around the center of the living room where Joey sat.
"Well I was going to save this until later but since you're being such a downer now"—Joey frowned at this—"we'll just go ahead and have you open your presents."
He blinked. "I have presents?"
"Of course you do!" Ryou smiled, plopping down on Joey's left side.
Malik sat down on his right. "If you're going to start a new life, you need new things."
"Think of it as a baby-shower," Ryou added.
"Urm, but I'm not pregnant."
Kaiba snorted, seating himself on the loveseat across from them. "Not yet."
"Hey!"
"Trust me, I know that newlyweds never take a break. Not even for water." the brunette nodded sagely, "Soon, you'll be where all blondes end up; barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen."
Malik and Marik glared at him.
Noticing the growing vein on Joey's forehead, Ryou laughed nervously and shoved a prettily wrapped box into the boy's lap. He smiled, "This is from me and Bakura; hope you like it."
Joey blinked and opened it, sending a wavering glare towards Otogi who insisted on flashing his camera in Joey's face. When it was unwrapped, Joey took out an album from inside.
A pause. "Sunny and Cher?"
Marik gagged.
"Uh… well, thanks, you guys… I'll, um, treasure it always?"
Ryou sobbed and threw himself onto Joey, his arms wrapping themselves around his neck. He cried into the teen's neck, "It's so sad, Joey! You're growing up and moving on with your life! Nothing will ever be the same with you married and all! Oh, Joey!"
"Um… there, there?" Joey was still unsure of himself as he patted Ryou on the back.
Otogi's left eye twitched wildly and he stormed over, grabbing Ryou by the fine hairs on the back of his neck and catapulted him out of the window.
"MEEP!" Ryou cried as he went sailing into the front yard.
Otogi sat down in the spot previously occupied by Ryou and snuggled into Joey's arm. When a few uncomfortable coughs were voiced, Otogi called out, "Next."
Both Marik and Malik looked at each other for a second before Marik pulled out from behind his back a normal looking, brown box. Malik scampered up from his seat and began to squabble with his other half about said package.
"You can't give him that!" Malik whispered harshly, trying to take it away from his yami.
Marik frowned. "We paid money for this thing and he's going to get it!"
"B-But I bought that before I knew he was actually—"
"Shoo," Marik moved the smaller him out of the way and handed the package to Joey. "Here ya go. Enjoy."
Joey looked at it wearily and began to open it up. He finally pulled out a long, metal device with a chopper at the end. He glanced at the two blondes and asked, "What is this?"
Marik shrugged. "A hotdog-cutter."
"…"
Joey's brown eyes enlarged to twice their normal size and Malik hurried to explain. "Y-You see, Joey, I bought that before I knew you were marrying a hotdog, and I tried to take it back but I got it on sale so I couldn't; please forgive us!"
"Us?" Marik looked at the teen in mild annoyance. He turned back to Joey and said, "Look, if you don't want to chop up your hotdog, that's fine but use it for something."
"Like what?" He screeched.
"Carrots, celery, circumcisions…"
"…" Joey's head dropped into his hands. "Oh, for God's sake…"
A moment of silence passed when all that was heard was the snapping of Otogi's camera and the whispered bickering of Marik and Malik. Kaiba sighed loudly and waved his hand. "Alright, alright, I might as well give you my gift then."
Joey peeked from in between his hands. "You have a present, Kaiba?"
"Yes, I do."
"… I don't know if I want it or not…"
"Well, I want to see it," Otogi told Joey loudly.
Joey rolled his eyes. "Well, we'll just stop the world for what you want then."
"Goody!"
"Ugh!"
Before anything else was said or groaned over, another box was past around until it reached Joey. The blonde was rather surprised that it had colorful wrapping paper and Kaiba simply said one of his maids did it. (A/N: LIE!) When it was open, everyone leaned in to see what Joey was staring at. Otogi, being the closest to him, gasped.
"Oh, Kaiba, it's beautiful!" the raven-haired teen squealed.
Joey lifted out of the box a black and red, lace camisole. He turned it around, inspecting the thing and found that there were three holes in it; two where the nipples were supposed to be and one where it connected under the crotch. When it was set down, Joey's expression was revealed as a fuming cherry.
"KAIBA! What the hell? Why would you give me this?"
He smirked. "For your wedding night."
Malik turned to the CEO. "But it's too big for the hotdog."
"It's for Wheeler."
Joey then made the noise of a small animal caught in a trap. He looked at the thing again but Otogi had taken it and held it up to Joey's torso so everyone could see how it would look.
"Otogi, stop that!"
"But Joey, you're so pretty!"
"No, I'm not!"
After a bit of back-and-forth, the rest of the presents were opened and they were relatively normal for which Joey was grateful. Among the pile was a present addressed: To Joey, From Yami and Yugi. Inside was a coffeemaker and a note that read:
Dear Joey,
Hope your bachelor party is going alright. I wish we could've come but we've encountered another accident… But with a little bit of rest and a lot of fluids, maybe I can recover fast and still come to your wedding to be your best man! If Yami recovers, I'll tie him up so he won't ruin anything.
Lots of love,
Yugi and Yami.
Bakura turned the music back up and then went outside to see about his hikari who was patiently waiting for someone to pick him out of Otogi's cherry tree.
"Hallo, 'Kura!" Ryou waved at his yami from his upside-down position in the tree. "Have you come to rescue me?"
"You've… been waiting there all this time?"
"Yes," he nodded.
"Um… okay… hold on, then…"
"Okay," Ryou smiled.
.0.0.
Meanwhile, Otogi had called both Marik and Malik into the kitchen for a little chat.
"Alright, Malik," Otogi turned to the Egyptian who was sitting on the counter. "We're ready to bring the stripper out now."
Malik nodded, "Okay, then—"
"Wait, wait. What stripper?" Marik looked at both of them. "I thought we didn't have enough money for one."
Otogi waved his hand flippantly. "I got one on sale. For free, rather."
A pause before Marik shrugged. "Works for me."
.0.0.
A few minutes later, Otogi had flounced back into the living room and up to the turntables where Bakura and Ryou were. When Ryou saw the green-eyed boy approach, he hid behind his yami.
Otogi rolled his eyes. "I'm not after you, Ryou. Bakura, turn the music up, okay? And make it sexy."
Bakura blinked and shuffled through his collection. "Um, is 'I Got You Babe' sexy enough?"
"Sure, sure," he said, walking away, "Just make it loud and I will gyrate my hips accordingly."
"Ookay, then…"
.0.0.
Joey was sitting on the couch when Otogi came and plopped down beside him, taking possession of Joey's arm and snuggling. Joey, obviously used to this, didn't protest and instead sat there moping.
"Cheer up, love," Otogi smiled at him, "my present is coming next."
"Funny, but that doesn't help."
Suddenly there was a knock at the front door. One of the other party-goers opened it and everyone in the room was surprised to see a rather dizzy-looking policeman standing there with a nightstick in one hand and, on his belt, a pair of handcuffs.
Joey blinked. "Hey, it's a cop. The music must be too loud; we're probably disturbing the peace."
Little did Joey know that Marik was behind the disoriented man with a red-hot poker and whispering harshly into his ear, "Go ahead, do it."
The man whined. "What kind of weird kidnapper are you guys? I don't want to!"
Marik poked him with the cattle prod.
"AHH! O-Okay, okay!" He sniffed and shuffled over to Joey and began to wiggle around and take off his shirt and then ripped off the Velcro pants. Joey screamed and tried to get away but Otogi insisted the cop-stripper handcuff him to the couch, which he did.
"Now," Otogi shouted happily, "spank him!"
"What?" Joey cried.
Marik and Malik stood in the corner while all the other men crowded around either laughing or trying to get a spank in as well.
"So… where did Otogi get this guy?" Marik asked.
"From what he told me, he ran him over yesterday in the driveway, threw him in the trunk and saved him for today. He's an anchorman or something."
"… Awesome."
.0.0.
Upstairs, all the yelling from the party could be heard. Even through the bedroom door which was where Mokuba, Tristan and Hot Dog were stationed and had been for the past two hours. Tristan sat in his chair, quietly sulking while Mokuba lay on the bed playing with a marble he brought in his pocket.
The boy noticed Tristan's rather sour expression and asked, holding up the shiny blue marble, "Wanna play, Tristan?"
A few blinks from Tristan and he sighed, shrugging his shoulders as best he could while tied up. Mokuba smiled and hurled the thing at Tristan, successfully hitting him in the center of his forehead. Tristan almost immediately fell limp in the chair.
Mokuba paused. "Well that wasn't supposed to happen."
Some seconds of silence followed and finally Mokuba got up from the bed and went over to the door. He tried the handle but it was locked. Figures. Still bored and convinced that his brother would not leave the party at a decent time, Mokuba looked around for another exit and found, on the other side of the room, a window.
He smiled and ran over, opening it up and looking down into the front yard. There was a drainpipe that ran down the side of the house right next to the window and he grabbed a hold of it, swinging his legs over the sill and shimmying down.
When he was a foot above the ground, he hopped off and almost broke his small ankles; however, he recovered rather quickly. The front door was insight and he opened it without trouble seeing as how it was left a crack open. Mokuba couldn't say he was exactly surprised to see hordes of men on top of Joey and a half-naked policeman with a nightstick beating the living daylights out of the blonde's behind.
He walked in and, coincidently, ran into his brother.
"… Mokuba?"
"Hi, Seto."
Kaiba furrowed his brow. "What are you doing down here? This is no place for someone of your age."
Mokuba paused and looked around again. He stared up at his brother. "Have you been spanked, Seto?"
"Urm," Kaiba slid up to the wall to hide the worn through patches on the seat of his pants, "No, of course not. I would never."
"Then can we go?"
"Oh… alright, alright. Let's go." Kaiba sighed and, inside, thought, 'I'll just have Otogi mail me the pictures of everything I missed…'
The two Kaiba brothers turned for the door and before they even made it out onto the porch, a hand that was placed on Kaiba's shoulder stopped them. They turned around to see Otogi's questioning expression.
"Hey, you aren't leaving, are you?"
The elder brother nodded. "I have to tuck Mokuba in."
"No you don't!" the boy objected.
"… So, yeah, we're going." Kaiba continued.
"Well you have to sign out." Otogi held up a clipboard and a pen. "And don't forget to pay me."
"I paid you already!"
"That was the entry fee. You're exiting now," he nodded solemnly, "So it's double."
"What? Oh for heaven's sake." Kaiba fished around in his back pocket and pulled out two hundred thousand dollars. Before he handed it over, two shrill yelps from the kitchen doorway made themselves known.
All three at the front door turned around to see Ryou and Malik in their birthday suits, wagging cans of whipped cream at Otogi.
"Hey!" Malik giggled, "Look what we found! We put tubs of this stuff on the linoleum and it makes for a yummy slide!"
Bakura's voice was heard in the background, shouting, "I FOUND THE CHERRIES!"
"WHO-HOO!"
Kaiba blinked and patted Mokuba on the head. "Eh, you go on home, Mokuba. I'll stay here… and make sure nothing bad happens…"
"That's a lie!"
Otogi whirled around to see that the men had gotten off of Joey and run into the kitchen to join the whipped cream-sliders. Otogi smiled. "Good, Joey, you're already undressed! Come on, we're going on the slide together!"
"W-What slide…?"
"I FOUND THE PICKLES!" came Kaiba's voice from the kitchen.
"WHO-HOO!"
Mokuba stomped his foot on the ground. "Seto…!"
TBC…
