Her Sweetness: So, um… yeah and… stuff.
—Hot Man, Hot Dog—
Part Eighteen: Wedding Peaches
"Oh, Joey!"
"Grrmm… Mmm…"
"Joey, my love?"
"Pththt…"
"Don't make me pinch you, mister."
"Huh?"
Joey groggily opened his eyes and looked up only to see Otogi with two hands on his hips and a small pout placed on his lips. The blonde looked from side to side and realized that he was not in Otogi's house or anyone other house for that matter, he was on wet grass. And as he observed even closer, he was laying on, not morning dew, but what felt and looked like whipped cream.
He sat up quickly and hid his naked self from people who drove by in their cars. "Otogi!" he shouted, "What the hell happened?"
"Ooh, we got down and dirty last night!" Otogi leaned down and winked. "That whipped cream-slide was the best idea! And then when Marik got drunk and threw himself and Ryou in the pool! They didn't come up for air for, like, six minutes, Kaiba timed it!"
"Y-You don't have a pool!"
"But the neighbors do."
Joey looked at him disapprovingly for a moment, fidgeting with his hands. "A… And just what do you mean by dirty?"
Otogi blinked thoughtfully. "Well Bakura, for one. I bet he woke up sore this morning! Ha! … Speaking of which, where is the little darling? I was going around the yard, scraping people out of trees and such. If I don't gather everyone soon, we'll be late for the wedding."
There was a pause.
"THE WEDDING!" Joey shouted, jumping from his spot on the lawn, releasing his private parts and running around Otogi in a small circle. He fisted bunches of his hair and screamed, "We're going to miss the wedding, good Lord! Oh, Otogi, help me!"
While he continued to scurry around in the nude, Otogi tilted his head to the side, watching. "I dunno, Joey, I'm kinda enjoying the view…"
He stopped running to glare at the teen. "WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!"
"SHUT UP!"
Suddenly a bottle was thrown out of a near-by house and it hit Joey in the head.
Otogi looked up to see an old woman in the window, shaking her fist, obviously the one who'd thrown the bottle. Joey sat up once again and looked up at her as well, rubbing the large bump on his head.
She shouted again, having trouble keeping her teeth from falling out as she spoke. "Stop all that racket! First you hoodlums keep me awake all night with your shenanigans and pee in my pool! Then you won't let me sleep in the morning! Hooligan!"
"Hey, we didn't pee in your pool!" Otogi pouted then, after a second, stopped. "Oh… wait a minute. Yes, we did."
"Ruffian!"
Otogi rolled his eyes and turned to Joey. "Come on, we have to go to SUPER now, I had Sharonda deliver your suit there."
"B-But what about Hot Dog and everyone else—"
"Don't worry; I'll round them up and we'll meet you there." He winked, "You can count on me!"
"I'm so sure."
"Lout!" she continued to call to them.
"Oh, will you shut up! Goddamn." Otogi shook his head and, from out of his back pocket, pulled out a ring of keys. He threw them to Joey and pointed out to the street where his rather banged-up, black Mercedes was resting. "Take my car to SUPER, alright? I'll meet you there."
"I can't drive naked; let me get my clothes—"
"You don't exactly have time—"
"Thug!"
"SHUT THE HELL UP! JOEY, GET YOUR BUTT OUT OF HERE!"
Rather frightened of the perturbed expression on the other teen's face, Joey took the keys and scrambled to the vehicle, soon zooming down the street. He felt a little uneasy for two reasons as he left Sphincter Ave. One, he worried that Otogi would be too caught up in his argument with the old woman and, two, that someone would notice him driving without any clothes.
He got a few blocks and began to think this was relaxing (everything except the harsh wind blowing his manhood in all directions.) No sooner did be began to loosen up, he heard a blaring siren coming from a certain direction, looked in his rearview mirror and, to his dismay, saw that a police car was following him.
Sighing, Joey pulled over to the curb. The cop got out of the car and traveled the distance to Joey's window. He tired his best to hide himself but it was too late when the uniform-clad man leaned into the window and lowered his sunglasses.
"What… is that?" He pointed accusingly to Joey's crotch.
"Um… A growth. And I'd thank you kindly not to stare. It's very embarrassing."
"… I'll bet. Step out of the car please, sir."
"Y-You're kidding! Listen, I'm sorry, but I'm on my way to a wedding!" Joey shook his head, pleading. "I'm already late and I'm sorry I'm naked but I really had no choice!"
He raised an eyebrow. "Wedding, huh?"
"Yeah, I'm getting married!"
"I find that hard to believe."
"Hey!"
"Step out of the car please, sir." The man stood back so Joey could get out.
Joey looked around nervously and, finally, stepped on the gas full-throttle, sending the car rocketing down the street and back into traffic. He stuck his arm out of the window and shouted back, "I'm REALLY sorry!"
The policeman's eye twitched as he watched the car go.
.0.0.
"What do you mean you're already there? … Oh, alright, I'm on my way. … See ya."
About five minutes after that call was made, Otogi arrived at the SUPER Chapel of Love in a large, greasy-looking sixteen-wheeler. It stopped right in front of the chapel and crowded most of the parking lot. Otogi hopped out of the passenger's side and onto the sidewalk in front of the building, turning back and waving at the large man who had driven it.
"Thanks for the lift, Bubba!"
"No prob," He winked, shifting the toothpick from one corner of his mouth to the other, "I'd do anythin' for a dame in distress."
Otogi waved again before Bubba pulled away and he went inside. He wasn't too surprised to enter Hall Number Three and see dozens of people running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Charlie was the first to see Otogi and ran to him, arms flailing.
"M-Mr. Ryuuji, I don't mean to worry you, but the wedding is in less than a hour, guests are already arriving, we don't really know where the outfits for the bridesmaids are, the bride's dress lost a button—"
Otogi raised his hand to Charlie's lips. "Walk with me," he said and they began down the aisle and into the room behind the altar.
When they were in the room, they were greeted with the sight of Malik and Ryou, both in their boxers, surrounded by people who fluttered around in a tizzy. Malik waved his hand at Otogi, "Hey! Otogi, I'm glad you're here; where the heck happened to the suits you picked out for us at G3?"
Ryou whined, "I'm cold!"
"Alright, alright, hold on." Otogi rolled his eyes and flipped out his cell phone. Numbers were dialed and everyone in the room quieted down, acting as the eavesdroppers they were. "Hey, Sharonda. … Huh? Oh really? Ooh, scandalous! … Ugh, sorry, can't talk about that right now. … It's about the suits for Malik and Ryou. … Well they're not here. … What? Oh, Sharonda! … Well, don't cry over it… Alright, we'll deal. … Bye, babe."
He flipped the phone closed and crossed his arms.
"Well?" Everyone asked.
"The suits were lost in the mail."
"… WHAT?"
"Don't worry, don't worry!" He winked at his friends. "Otogi's got you covered."
About five minutes later, Otogi called at Ryou and Malik through the bathroom door, "You guys, get a move on! Get out here so we can adjust them!"
The door slid open and both teens came out, one by one, dressed in two identical dresses. Both a light blue with a white trim, sleeveless, and backless; the hem flowed down to the ground and dragged a bit behind them.
Ryou sighed, lifting his arms, "Well? How do we look?"
Malik coughed and kept pulling the front up to cover his chest.
Charlie shook his head at Otogi. "This will never work; they don't have any breasts to fill the cups!"
"Hey!" they snapped at him.
Otogi waved his comment away. He turned around to a fruit bowl and grabbed out of it two oranges and two grapefruits. He stuffed the grapefruits in Ryou's cups and the oranges went to Malik. The raven-haired teen nodded happily, "Perfect."
The boys grinned at each other and jiggled their new appendages in Charlie's face. "Whaddya think of our cups, now?" Ryou asked sweetly.
Charlie blushed, waving them away. "Alright, so there's one thing solved."
"The wiener's dress, right? The button?" Otogi yawned, walking into the other room with Mr. Tinkles. "You can just sew it back on, right?"
"Yes, but—"
"Ooh, don't you look sharp?" Otogi's eyes were filled with a certain brightness when he noticed Marik and Bakura sitting in chairs on the other side of the lobby under the wall-attached television set. They wore matching, jet-black suits but a gray bowtie for Bakura and a purple one for Marik.
Marik looked up first, his eyebrow raised. "And here I expected you to be wearing something flashy."
"I'm getting dressed in a few minutes." Otogi said, fluffing his hair. "Such are the woes of someone in charge, everyone comes before me. I'm such a giving person."
Bakura snorted. "I don't want anything you're giving out, Otogi."
"Humph!"
"Don't mind him," Marik rolled his eyes and laughed, "He's still upset because Ryou went underwater with me at the party."
"I am not! I'm upset because he stayed underwater with you for six minutes! What the hell were you two doing for six minutes? How could he not have drowned?" Bakura was becoming hysterical.
Marik shrugged. "I gave him some of my air."
"You bastard!"
Sooner or later, a physical fight broke out and Charlie was left to try and sort it out, however he ended up with a rip in the tail of his suit and a black eye. Otogi filed his nails and wondered aloud, "Where the hell is Joey? He should've been here before I came! He had the car after all!"
The door busted open and a pair of spiky-headed teenagers came bopping inside the room, the smaller of the two coming in first. Otogi immediately recognized them and shouted with glee, "You made it!"
"Yes, we did," Yugi nodded and shot a glare at his other half, "No thanks to Yami."
"Hey, I was conducting a scientific experiment with bathwater and plugged-in toasters!"
"Well next time conduct your 'experiment' when I'm not taking a bath!" Yugi fumed and now that Otogi got a look at him close up, his hair was much spikier and he twitched every now and again.
Yami smiled shyly, muttered, "I said I was sorry," and looked over under the television where Marik and Bakura were beating the living daylights out of each other.
Yugi twitched. "What's up with those two?"
"Oh, they're being dumb." Otogi called over to them, "Hey! Don't go messing up each other's suits! Those cost money!"
Charlie, who had apparently snuck out somewhere because he just returned, poked his head through the back door, giving them all a thumbs-up sign. "Hot Dog's dress is taken care of!"
Yami looked at Otogi. "The hotdog's wearing a dress?"
"Well of course. It's from the most expensive Barbie doll we could find."
"I, um… I see…"
"But damn it all! Joey's not here yet! Where the hell could he be?"
"I think I found him." Bakura said, pointing upwards. He and Marik had stopped their quarreling for the moment to watch the television screen overhead. Everyone in the room turned to see what he was taking about and as Marik reached up to turn up the volume, all the jaws in the room dropped.
The station was turned to Channel 8 News, being shot from a helicopter over-looking a high-speed chase. Just about forty police cars chased one, beat-up Mercedes down the streets of Domino. Marsha Mitsubishi was speaking of the young man driving the vehicle in question while the cameraman zeroed in on the driver and he was revealed to be a very naked Joey Wheeler.
Marik was the first to say, "What the hell?" followed by many others.
Yugi hung his head and twitched. "Poor Joey… He's had it so rough lately."
Charlie, whose jaw had just come back to it's normal spot, turned to the raven-haired teenager next to him. "Mr. Ryuuji, what should we… Mr. Ryuuji?"
"WOO! GO JOEY!"
Everyone turned around only to see Otogi in a bright pink cheerleader's outfit, jumping up and down with two pom-poms that, combined together, spelt out the groom's name. He jumped up again, waving them around. "DODGE 'EM, JOEY! WOOT, JOEY! DRIVE FASTER; FASTER, I SAY! WOOT! AH HA HA HA HA! YEAH!"
Charlie sweatdropped.
.0.0.
"Oh for crap's sake! They've got a helicopter, too?" Joey shouted in disbelief as he looked out of the window and up towards the sky. He noticed Marsha Mitsubishi's ever watchful eye on him and her microphone ready and waiting.
As he came to the next turn and went left, some of the cop cars went straight ahead. He must've made a really sharp turn and, finally, he got an idea. He would simply have to lose them all before he go to SUPER. He could do it, after all, he'd done the same thing on a videogame at the arcade. But as Joey readied himself to turn again, he glanced out of his window and almost ran off the road out of surprise. There, not two inches away from him, was the helicopter, hovering only feet above the ground and Marsha, her microphone thrust into his face.
"W-What the hell? What are you doing?" Joey shouted, red in the face.
"Hello, I'm Marsha Mitsubishi from Channel—"
"I know who you are!"
"Well, could you please explain to our viewers at home why you're breaking the speed limit and driving in the nude, Mr. Hotdog Maniac?"
"I-I'm not a Hotdog Maniac and I won't explain—"
Marsha turned to her cameraman and pointed at Joey's crotch, "Get a close-up of that."
"HEY!"
Joey shook his fist at the camera but retracted it immediately when a bullet almost hit his hand and, instead, hit his side mirror and blasted it off. Joey's face dropped. "They're SHOOTING? What the hell!"
Marsha spoke into the microphone. "The situation seems to be intensifying and the Maniac is currently being shot at—AHHH!"
Another few bullets hit the propellers of the helicopter and blasted the thing out into a valley on the other side of the road. Joey, now happy that Marsha was out of his way, was currently trying to turn every corner he could to shake the police. He found that the more he turned the less cars were following him on the next street. He kept this up until there was only one left and he was entering the West Side.
"Alright, one left… Let's see… I got it!" Joey grinned to himself and swerved the car off the road and into the side yard of a nearby house. He continued into the back yard and, because the police car wasn't seemingly following him, was almost home-free, but at the last second he was filled with dismay to see these people had a built-in pool.
"Aw, damn." He sighed as the car went down.
.0.0.
"Aw, we can't see Joey anymore!" Otogi whined as the screen on Channel 8 filled with static a few moments later.
Yugi shook his head. "I'm not worried about seeing Joey, I'm worried about him living! They were shooting at the car!"
"Oh, Joey'll be fine." Otogi said smugly. "If a bullet comes at him, he can just deflect it with his pectoral muscles of steel!"
"… WHAT?"
"I'm here!"
Suddenly everyone in the room turned towards the door and saw Joey, naked and dripping wet with twigs and such sticking out of his hair. He sighed and coughed, pulling a small pool toy out of his behind. Otogi squealed and Charlie sighed, throwing his hands up to the sky, "Finally!"
Yugi smiled, giving two twitches. "Joey! You're okay!"
"Yeah, thanks Yu—"
"C'mon, Joey, you're late as it is. We have to get you in your suit and me in mine." Otogi grabbed the blonde's arm and dragged him towards the other door in the back, smiling on the way. "We can get dressed together to save time."
"What? Otogi!"
"Oh, hush. This is the last fun thing you'll ever do. You're getting married, remember?"
"… Oh, yeah. Alright then."
TBC…
