—Hot Man, Hot Dog—
Chapter Nineteen: Let Me Be With You
A few minutes later, after much banging on the stall doors from Charlie Tinkles, everyone was dressed and ready. Charlie, who had been on the verge of a conniption whilst Joey and Otogi were leisurely dressing each other, ran around in the back rooms, screaming to everyone who had a part in the wedding to get out into the main hall. He threw on his cleric's clothing (which was purchased from the Party Store) and raced out onto the altar, straightening it and trying to look dignified.
The seats were filled in Hall Number Three which was decorated brightly in purple and white flowers and delicate curtains on the wall-length windows, colors chosen by Joey himself. Joey's family and friends sat on the right side while Hot Dog's family was supposed to occupy the left. However, since none of the meat's kin could be located in such a short amount of time, the seats were filled with newly-purchased packages of bologna.
Yami and Yugi stood patiently in their black tuxedos on Joey's side while Joey rocked back and forth on his feet out of nervousness. Yugi narrowed his eyes at his other half and whispered harshly, "Yami, get your finger out of your nose."
"… Sorry, Yugi," he said mournfully, wiping the offending finger on his pants.
Yugi paled in disgust.
The first pew on the left side was filled with the people closest to Joey. Well maybe not as close as they were just… around all the time. Marik and Bakura bickered amongst each other, elbowing one another and Serenity, Joey's extremely confused sister, sat closer to the aisle with a dazed look on her face. (Serenity was the only true family of Joey's able to attend the ceremony seeing as how both his mother and father dropped dead at hearing their son was to marry a very old hotdog. They wanted to be cremated but seeing as how there was no money for that, their bodies were donated to scientific research.)
The door behind the altar opened and Otogi came bopping out, gave a quick whisper to Charlie and a pinch of the butt to Joey before seating himself on the other side of Serenity. Bakura, who was on the verge of punching Marik, looked over suddenly and starred at Otogi's "tuxedo". First of all, he was wearing leather short-shorts and knee-high boots. His vest held a pink rose in the lapel and had lace frills decorating the hem and the sleeves with a black and emerald green ribbon holding up his hair.
Marik looked over as well and he and Bakura echoed, "What… the hell."
Otogi tossed his ponytail. "Jealous."
Kaiba, who sat right behind the four in the first pew, tapped Otogi on the shoulder with some irritation. Otogi turned around. "Hey," Kaiba frowned, "When's this thing going to start anyway? I have a meeting I have to get to; I can't sit around all day."
There was some whispering among the other guys. "He didn't say that last night…"
Otogi rolled his eyes and said, "Relax, relax."
Kaiba paused. "And where the hell is Mokuba? He was here just a second ago!"
"Relax, relax," he repeated.
The raven-haired teen raised a hand to Charlie and he turned to the old woman at the organ. He gave her the signal and the woman (who turned out to be Charlie's shamed mother) began to play "Here Comes The Bride".
Everyone in the Hall—even the bologna—turned towards the open back door expectantly and as the song played on, a furry black ball in a white Sunday dress and a basket full of daisies came skipping down the aisle, throwing the flowers on the people sitting. Some of the women cooed and said, "What a darling young girl!"
Kaiba, instead, said, "HOLY CRAP, THAT'S MOKUBA!"
The boy sighed as he passed his horror-stricken brother and threw a daisy into his lap. "Just go with the flow, bro."
Otogi smiled, waving him off, "Isn't he adorable?"
Kaiba's face dropped as he turned to Otogi. "What have you done!"
"Nothing out of the ordinary."
"Ordinary for who?" he shouted.
But Otogi ignored the hopelessly distraught CEO and continued to watch the aisle. The first thing seen was Malik in his light blue dress and orange breasts carrying a bouquet of sunflowers. Ryou followed in his light blue dress and his grapefruit breasts that jiggled suggestively as he walked down the aisle.
And, finally, it was seen that Ryou held a rope in the hand he hid behind his back. Attached to the other end was a hotdog dressed in a white and finely decorated Barbie wedding dress with one button sewed on with an ugly piece of red yarn.
Ryou dragged the thing down the aisle and all the sane people in the room shook their heads in unbelievable sadness and doubt for the future of humanity. When they reached the alter, the music stopped and Ryou gave the hotdog to Joey who held it with dignity.
Charlie cleared his throat and a hush came over the room.
"We are gathered here today, in this beautiful Hall for the purpose of solemnizing the holy rites of matrimony between Joseph Wheeler and Hot Dog. Holy, joyous is this hour in which two loving beings are joined…"
Charlie was clearly in the zone and carried on into detail to which no one but a few, including Joey who tried to follow, listened. The two bride's maids were mindlessly adjusting themselves and caught the expressions of their other halves who's mouths were wide open as were their eyes. Malik blushed and looked away while Ryou waved to Bakura and whispered, "Hey, 'Kura! Look at these!"
Bakura was going to whisper something back but Marik pushed him out of the way and gave a thumbs-up sign to Ryou who giggled in return. Bakura's eye twitched wildly and he began to assault Marik once again. The ruckus in the first pew disturbed the people in the second and eventually the entire left side broke out into a frenzy.
"Marik!" Malik shouted, "Stop that!"
"He started it!"
Bakura growled, "You lowdown, dirty…!"
Ryou giggled.
And Charlie was too wrapped up in his speech to notice. "Spirited…"
Yugi looked at the other two yamis with distaste and, for a brief moment, was glad that his other half was so well behaved. That moment was quick to pass when he had to reprimand Yami for his intrusive finger once again.
Joey looked behind him with a tired glance, thinking, 'I knew inviting them was a bad idea!'
"Ryou-stealer!"
The albino hikari looked up. "Someone call my name?"
Malik shook his head. "Ryou, you are so clueless!"
"Really? About what?"
"And the hippos guide you through the tough times…" Charlie continued.
Otogi, who had been daydreaming quietly, then was broken out of his trance when Bakura and Marik went tumbling towards the altar and blocked the raven-haired teen's view of Joey. This was unacceptable and Otogi flicked Bakura's ear.
"… What?" the albino yami looked up from Marik.
"Go sit down."
The small edge to Otogi's normally perky and preppy tone made the boys do as they were told and that seemed to restore order in the Hall and, once again, Charlie was heard over everyone else. Unfortunately, Charlie's speech was so full of proverbs and confusing statements that the general audience couldn't follow. Kaiba, however, claimed to know what it was all about.
No one believed him.
The bologna all fell asleep and were awakened when these words came out of Charlie's mouth, "The rings, please."
Everyone looked around, expecting a ring bearer but, instead, Mokuba, who remained standing by Yami and Yugi up at the altar, ripped off his Sunday dress and revealed himself to be wearing a small tuxedo. Out of his pocket he pulled two wedding bands and walked up to hand them to Joey. Most of the guests either considered this strange or adorable but Kaiba was thankful that his brother was at least part man.
"Now, Joseph, repeat after me."
"Repeat after me," said Joey.
"N-Not yet! Ahem… I, Joseph Wheeler—"
"Hey, my name's Joseph Wheeler, too!" he said brightly.
The entire crowd groaned.
Kaiba smacked himself on the forehead. "I'll never get to that meeting!"
Joey looked around. "What? What'd I do?"
"Nothing, Joey," Otogi said, walking up to the altar and whispered to Charlie, "You'd better just skip his vows. If you didn't, we'd all be in here till death do us part."
"Righty-o." He turned back around and cleared his throat. "Erm, let's see here… Oh, yes. Okay, Hot Dog, actually, has written it's own vows and will read them to its beloved now."
Malik took a piece of paper out of his cleavage and held it in front of Hot Dog. A hush fell over the Hall as the meat began to read.
"……………………………..." it paused, "…………………."
At the end, everyone wasn't too surprised to see Joey wiping a tear from his eye and sniffling. Most of them thought it was weird and Otogi was only crying for show and to hopefully gain some points with Joey.
"Joseph Wheeler," said Charlie, "do you take Hot Dog as your lawfully wedded meat? To have and to hold, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, till death do you part?"
"Sure."
"… Y-You're supposed to say 'I do'."
"I do what?"
"… Never mind." Charlie shook his head and turned to someone a bit more intelligent. "And do you, Hot Dog, take Joseph Wheeler as your lawfully wedded husband? To have and to hold, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, till death do you part?"
"…"
"Sounds like an 'I do' to me." Charlie nodded and said, "Now, with the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and meat. You may kiss the hotdog."
"Hey, I wanna kiss Hot Dog!" Joey whined.
"I meant you!"
"Oh. Okay."
Everyone turned away while rolling their eyes as Joey slobbered on the meat.
"I OBJECT!"
There was a pause and everyone slowly turned around in their seats towards the back door to see a man who was in a brown trench coat that was riddled with barbed wire and had scattered burn marks on it. He was panting heavily and holding onto the threshold for support.
Otogi blinked. "Tristan? How'd you get out of that cage?"
"I ALMOST DIDN'T, YOU FREAK!" He shouted, glaring at Otogi who pouted in response. Tristan turned toward the aisle and began to limp down it until he reached Joey and the altar. "B-But that doesn't matter now. Joey, I'm here to save you, man. From all the ridicule you're going to go through and from all the heartbreak. I, your best friend, will not stand by and watch this catastrophe take hold of your life."
"Urm… you're kinda late, Tristan. We already said the vows and kissed and stuff." Joey shrugged.
"Well I would've been here on time but I had to get through barbed wire, go under a wall of fire, swim an ocean and then escape the wrath of Oprah."
"… Damn, Otogi's good."
Otogi smiled and waved.
"Don't praise him! This is all his fault! It's his fault that my mom's in the hospital! She worked too hard for money that he spent! And it's his fault this wedding is taking place! I bet you never would've gone this far if it weren't for him! He egged you on!" Tristan frowned deeply at Otogi, "You should be ashamed, tainting the mind of an innocent with your weird ideas!"
"Hey, hey, don't get all snappy with me, Tristan." Otogi fluffed his hair, "You were innocent too, a long time ago, before I got to you. Now look at you. I did Joey a favor. He wanted to get married."
"I'm not buying that! I'm putting an end to this right now!" Tristan snatched the hotdog from Joey's hand and ripped off it's dress. Only one swift movement before opening his mouth wide and dropping it down, not bothering to chew.
Joey starred and the guests all 'ooh'ed.
.0.0.
"Joey?"
"Go away…"
"Aw, c'mon, Joey."
"I said go away… I don't feel like talking."
"Well okay, but you kind of have to come down from here. It isn't too safe."
Joey sighed, turning over on his side. He'd been laying on the chapel's roof, crying for the past ten minutes. Most of the guests, after they got over the initial shock of the bride being gobbled up, wanted to move straight to the reception and get to all the free shrimp. However, Yugi insisted he go up first and fetch Joey.
"I don't get it," Joey sniffed, "how could Tristan do this to me? I mean, jeez! Poor, poor Hot Dog…"
Yugi tapped his fingers on the dried tar of the roof. He glanced down at the ground where his yami and Bakura were holding the latter steady. Joey turned back on his side and Yugi gently climbed down the latter back onto the concrete.
"Well?" Tristan asked when Yugi looked up at him. "What'd he say?"
"He's really depressed. Tristan, I don't think that was a wise thing to do; eating Joey's fiancée like that."
"I-I had to do something!"
Otogi shook his head mournfully. "I knew something like this would happen if Tristan came! That's the reason I locked him up, so Joey's heart could remain intact."
"You were letting him live in a dream world!" Tristan scolded, "At least now he's reintroduced to reality."
Bakura rolled his eyes, "A random guy barging in into a wedding chapel and eating the bride. Reality, right."
There were a few coughs and a small moment of silence. Otogi's eyes brightened and he turned to the rest of them. "I've got an idea! We'll just force-feed Tristan lots of laxatives and sooner or later, we'll get Hot Dog back! I'm a genius, right? You love it, right? Good idea?"
"…"
"Too stunned to speak, I see."
"N-No… just stunned…"
Otogi pouted. "Well what other option do we have? It's Tristan's fault, he should pay the price!"
"I am not defecating myself to death just so Joey can have an inanimate sex-toy!"
It was quiet again and both Marik and Bakura looked at each other before beginning to walk away at the same time. Yami blinked and called out to them, "Hey, where're you going?"
Marik turned his head, "The drugstore down the street has laxatives on sale."
"I SAID WE'RE NOT DOING THAT!" Tristan shouted.
Suddenly an unfamiliar noise reached the ears of the people in front of the church. They all looked up at the same time and saw Joey standing at the edge of the roof, arms out to his sides and his eyes closed. He called out, "Goodbye cruel world! I can't bear your hardships without Hot Dog!"
Malik blinked. "… Hey, that line was on the new episode of Dallas last week!"
Marik looked at him.
"… Well, without the 'Hot Dog' thing."
Yugi watched, horror-stricken and barely managed to scream at the blonde, "Joey! W-What the hell are you doing? Please don't jump!"
"I have to, Yugi! There's no reason for me to live anymore!"
Otogi gasped, "What about ME?"
"No reason at all!"
"Humph!"
Tristan tried to think. "What about those little jelly-filled Fritos you like so much, Joey?"
Joey blinked. "Hmm… Nope, I still gotta die! To be with Hot Dog!"
As the idiotically devoted teenager readied himself to hit the ground, Yugi, Otogi and Tristan panicked and raced to think of some way to get Joey to think rationally. Tristan held his head with both hands. "Oh no! I never meant for anything like this to happen! I just wanted Joey to be okay!"
"Joey's never been okay," Marik rolled his eyes.
Otogi widened his eyes, "I got it!"
"No more laxative ideas!"
"Of course not! This one will work!" He looked up and shouted to Joey, "Hey, Joey! I know how you can still be married to Hot Dog!"
Joey looked down. "You… you do?"
.0.0.
"And now, with the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and… man. You may now kiss the—"
"No thanks…" Tristan turned away, his hands firmly crossed over his chest. A pout was securely fastened to his features and he'd been close to tears throughout the entire ceremony. Otogi's bright idea in action: Joey marrying Tristan since, technically and supposedly, he and Hot Dog were now one. Or at least they would be until the meat hit Tristan's lower intestine.
Charlie cleared his throat uneasily and the guests who were chauffeured back into the chapel all clapped. Otogi whistled and, in the heat of the moment, threw his underwear at the altar.
Joey pulled the lacey panties off his head and smiled at Tristan. "I'm so happy! I've got my fiancée and my best friend back! A two-for-one deal!"
Tristan sneered, "You bargain hunter."
Otogi hooted, getting up from his seat and hugged both Joey and Tristan. He turned to the brunette, "Come on, Tristan, throw the bouquet!"
"Why?"
"It's tradition, dammit!"
"… Fine."
"Yay! Okay, everybody get ready!"
All the female guests and Malik, Ryou and Otogi stood in the middle of the aisle so as to get the best chance of catching the flowers. Tristan turned around and then threw them over his head. Otogi ended up breaking some limbs to get to the flowers but they eluded his grasp and bounced off Ryou's head and into the hands of a young boy.
Mokuba blinked, looking at it and then up at his brother. "Look, Seto!"
"… You're too young for that." He snatched them up and put the bouquet in his blazer.
"So tell us, Tristan," Malik began, smiling at the two newlyweds, "whose house will you be living in?"
"Mine, of course," said Otogi. "After all, we three will be sharing a bed."
"Ooh," Ryou giggled.
Joey frowned objectively, "Who said anything about sharing a bed with you?"
Tristan narrowed his eyes at Joey, "Who said anything about a bed at all? I'm not sleeping in the same bed as you."
"But what about our wedding night?"
"THERE WILL BE NO WEDDING NIGHT!"
"I'll say," Otogi nodded sagely, "Not without me."
"OTOGI!"
.0.0.
Joey and Tristan stayed married long after Hot Dog "came and went". They did end up living in Otogi's house only because Joey was evicted from his apartment and Tristan's house was repossessed soon after his mother passed away. The neighborhood was abuzz with much gossip about the screaming that went on in that house after dark but when asked, Tristan said they stayed up all night playing violent videogames. Coincidently, only part of the lie was true.
Bakura never did really get over the pool incident involving Marik and Ryou but he asked no questions when Ryou snuck out late at night to go to a private pool party being hosted by Marik himself. And as for the Kaiba brothers, Kaiba had a long talk with his brother about the boy's girl-like appearance and ways. The talk had little effect and Mokuba now cannot wait to go buy a prom dress.
Yami and Yugi eventually worked out that Yami would stay in one part of the Game Shop and Yugi in the other to prevent any unfortunate accidents. Unfortunately, poor Grandpa was often in Yami's side of the house and is now on life-support. Yami claims he simply wanted to test the limit of the human liver by giving it shocks of electricity.
As far as sadness goes for Hot Dog's untimely passing, Joey really doesn't think much about it anymore what with Tristan and Otogi around all the time to keep him occupied. And as far as Tristan's concerned, the only good thing that came from their marriage was that Joey no longer longs for the sweet caress of meat byproducts. But he still doesn't understand why the boy buys so much salami and never eats it.
I guess we'll never know.
The End…
Her Sweetness: BOOM! Can you say yay? C'mon, this took me a long time! I'm so happy it's finished. Let's celebrate!
How, you ask?
Why, with a review of course! Come on, you know you want to.
Goodbye and Goodluck!
