Title:
Breathe In
Summary:
FlackLindsay oneshot, Flack first-person POV. I've never found
myself so willing to let go of a memory yet so unable to get it out
of my head, and I now see myself not wanting to let her go.
Disclaimer:
The names of all characters contained herein are the property of
Anthony Zuiker, Jerry Bruckheimer Television, CBS and Alliance
Atlantis. No infringements of these copyrights are intended, and are
used here without permission.
A/N:
I'm writing this fic on request. I hope you all like it. Oh,
and the title is named for a Frou Frou song of the same name. I
highly suggest you listen to it, it's very FlackLindsay.
Rating:
T
Breathe In
"What
part of no don't you understand, I've told you before
To
just get off my case this isn't happening, stop this now."
-Frou
Frou
I keep waiting for the sky to fall. For something unusual to happen, because what happened last night has to be unreal. It can't have happened. I keep telling myself that but I keep remembering and it keeps becoming real. I tap my pencil idly on my desk and hope, pray, for a case to come in so I can have something to take my mind off of her. Normally I'd never wish death on anybody but right now I'm hoping somebody takes a dive so I can just have something, anything, to rid myself of the memory that has seared itself on my brain.
My cellphone rings and it's Danny. I groan inwardly. If anyone else knows what happened last night it's him and I really don't wanna know what he has to say on the subject. I debate answering the phone for two more rings and decide against it. Danny can leave a message or he can come get me himself. I have more important things to think about. Oh, God. I put my head in my hands. No, I don't. I don't have anything important to think about because there's nothing to think about, we were both drunk and nothing happened. Odds are she doesn't remember and I'll have to carry this memory to my grave and fuck, that hurts.
I'm kissing her desperately, my tongue begging entrance to her mouth. She's untucking my shirt as I back her up against a wall and her hands explore me urgently. I groan into her mouth as she presses her hips closer to mine—
Maka's talking to me but I'm really not paying attention. I can't get that night the fuck out of my head, it's all I can think about. I try focusing on everything but sex Lindsay danger or last night but I can't. I guess Maka deduces that I'm not paying attention cause she leaves and all I can remember now is my hands all over Lindsay and what it felt like to be inside her.
"Oh, motherfuck."
As much as I don't want to remember the larger part of me wants nothing more than to just close my eyes and let the heartache roll in, to just remember every moment. I've never found myself so willing to let go of a memory yet so unable to get it out of my head, and I now see myself not wanting to let her go. She's my downfall and I loved her first.
She's clutching at my shirt as we kiss in her bedroom and suddenly she's using her tongue. She tastes of cherry and alcohol, or maybe that's just me, or maybe it's the both of us. Lindsay tangles her hands in my hair and I deepen the kiss and for the first time in years I find myself thinking, "Oh god oh god, what have I done to deserve this, what have I done?"
I'm leaning my head against my locker and my eyes are closed and stamped on the underside of my eyelids is Lindsay, her and her flesh and the sounds she makes. I bet no one has seen her the way I did last night, not even her first lover. I know I can't have her—I'm not worthy, I'm broken—but last night was something we shared and for all of this I'm feeling strangely fine.
I know I'm lying to myself about being fine, but it's a lie I can live with for now. It'll catch up to me later, probably when I see her talking to Danny. She laughs so much more freely when he's around, hell, it should be illegal for them to be together just for the sake of it not breaking me down inside.
Her flesh is rosy from the heat of summer nights and the flush of lovemaking. She looks despoiled, wanton, writhing up into my hips. So completely perfect...my Lindsay. If I'm honest with myself I know that no one has ever seen me so completely open and vulnerable; sex for me has always been about taking, but tonight with Lindsay I'm giving all of me. Heart body soul.
"You're so beautiful," I murmur, brushing a strand of hair away from her face with my thumb.
I hit my locker and then there's Thacker and I hate him. I fucking hate him for looking at me like he knows me, like he knows what's wrong. He could never understand the way I feel now, an ache so deep that it cuts me open from the inside. Thing is, even if I could stop it, I wouldn't want to. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.
"You know, Flack," he says, "I don't think I've ever seen you without a tie."
Then I remember that part of the night and part of me wishes I didn't, because I think that's when I really, truly, honestly realized I wanted her for my own.
"This is my tie," I say.
Her hazel eyes look at me and they're soft; I almost feel like I could drown in them, and if I could, I'd want to.
"It's very nice," she replies.
"It's my property. If you wear it then you're my property too."
I take my tie off and loop it around her neck, tug Lindsay into a kiss and I'm lost in her. She's my sweetest downfall and I love her first.
The thing about last night is that even if it's something she doesn't remember, I do. For a few hours she was mine and I knew what it was to be whole. I am flawed but I am cleaning up so well, she's slow spinning redemption that mends my broken soul and even if she doesn't realize it, together we'll be whole again and there's nobody who will hurt her.
I could tell people that this love hasn't changed me, hasn't changed me at all, but that would be a lie. This love isn't good unless it's me and Lindsay.
Finis.
