-CHAPTER FOUR-
Borgin and Burke's Pleasurable Desires
Life at the Burrow was as different as possible from that at Private Drive. The Weasley's house burst with the strange and unexpected. What Harry found most unusual was the fact that everyone there seemed to like him.
Mr Weasley especially was always bombarding him with questions.
"Fascinating!" he would say, as Harry talked him through the function of a vibrator. "Ingenious, really how many ways Muggles have found of getting it off without magic."
The afternoon of receiving their Hogwarts letters, Harry, Ron, Fred, and George went up the hill to a small paddock the Weasley's owned. It was surrounded by trees that blocked it from view of the village below, meaning they could practice Quiddich there.
They had asked Percy if he wanted to join them, but he had said he too busy- Harry had only seen Percy at meal times so far; he stayed shut in his room the rest of the time.
"Wish I knew what he was up to," said Fred frowning.
The best part of the afternoon Harry thought had definitely been when he asked Ron if he wanted to have a go on his Nimbus Two Thousand. Ron had stared at him wide-eyes for a good two minutes before he gave a huge grin and flung his arms around Harry.
The next morning Mrs Weasley woke them all early. After a quick breakfast they all pulled on their coats and Mrs Weasley took a bathroom deodorant aerosol can out of the cupboard.
"Guests first," she said offering the aerosol can to Harry. "After you, Harry dear."
Harry stared at them all watching him. Ron frowned.
"W-what am I supposed to do?" he stammered.
"He's never travelled by Loo-Sniffer!" said Ron suddenly. "Sorry Harry, I forgot."
"Well then, George, show Harry how it's done." Mrs Weasley demanded hurriedly.
"Ok Harry, watch us first!" George picked up the can and stepped up to the Weasleys' toilet. He put one foot in the toilet and placed the nozzle of the can right up to his nose. He sprayed the can and quickly inhaled the fumes. His pupils grew larger and glazed over. He shouted loudly, 'Diagon Alley!' at the same time he flushed the toilet and disappeared in a gush of water. Fred did the same, so did Mr Weasley.
"Your turn now Harry dear. Make sure you speak clearly. We don't want you turning up in the wrong U-bend,"
"The wrong what?" said Harry nervously, as the toilet refilled.
"Well, there are an awful lot of wizard toilets to choose from, you know, but as long as you've spoken clearly. Also make sure to really inhale the aerosol, it is what powers you through the pipes."
"He'll be fine mum!" Ron was looking slightly worried though. "Keep your elbows in Harry." Ron advised.
"And your eyes shut," said Mrs Weasley, "The shit-"
Trying hard to bear all this in mind, Harry took the Loo-Sniffer aerosol can and walked over to put his foot in the toilet. He put the can up to his nostril, sprayed it and inhaled deeply. The effect was instant. Harry felt as though someone had just stabbed a foot long butchers knife up his nose and into his brain. He felt his head go light and his vision blurred. He fumbled around for the flush button and eventually pushed it. All of a sudden he felt coldness close in on his body.
"D-D-Dia-gon Alley!" he screamed. Everything whirled, he tried to keep his eyes open but the whirl of brown shit made him feel sick...something knocked his elbow and he pulled it in tight, still spinning and spinning…now it felt as though cold hands were slapping face…squinting trough his glasses he saw a blurred stream of toilet bowls and snatched glimpses of the bathrooms beyond. This was the most peculiar and fowl means of travel Harry had ever used. All of a sudden he was thrown out of a toilet bowl and into a grimy little bathroom. His glasses were smashed but he was as dry as a bone.
Dizzy and bruised he got to his feet, he squinted through his glasses. He fumbled around for the door to the bathroom and opened it with a creak. On the other side was a large dimly lit wizard's shop- but nothing in here was ever likely to be on the Hogwarts School list.
A glass case nearby held a black lace piece of women's underwear. Harry frowned at the many pictures of naked wizards and witches on the walls. He did a double take when he saw a young redheaded boy on the far wall. On his second glimpse he was incredibly disappointed to see that it was not Ron, but a random wizard he had never seen before. Where was he? He looked over towards the door and read backwards through the glass the letters painted on the window. 'Borgin and Burkes Pleasurable Desires' was the name of the shop and was definitely not in Diagon Alley. Weird funny shaped and coloured objects hung from the ceiling. The back wall behind the counter was loaded with tonics, magazines in black covers and weird substances in tubes and tubs. The sooner he got out of here the better. Nose still stinging where he had hit the floor, Harry made his way swiftly and silently towards the door, but before he got halfway, two people appeared on the other side of the glass- and one of them was the very last person Harry wanted to meet when he was lost in a strange shop with posters of naked people hanging on the walls (some of the posters had two or three people on them, doing something strange that Harry was unsure of). It was Draco Malfoy.
Harry looked quickly around and spotted a large pink, plastic thing nearby. He could've sworn it looked awfully like a giant penis, but decided it couldn't be, it couldn't possibly be a giant model penis, what sort of perverted shop would have those kinds of things in it? He ran behind it anyway, whatever it was and peered out from behind it. Seconds later, a bell clanged, and Malfoy stepped into the shop.
The man who followed could only be his father. He had the same pale, pointed face and identical cold grey eyes. Mr Malfoy crossed the shop, looking lazily at the items on display, and rang a bell on the counter before turning to his son and saying, "Touch nothing, Draco."
Malfoy, who had reached for the fluffy handcuffs, said, "I thought you were going to buy me a present."
"No son, you will get these sort of presents in all due time. However I will buy you a racing broom…Ah Mr Borgin."
A stooping man had appeared from behind the counter, smoothing his greasy hair back from his face.
"Mr Malfoy, what a pleasure to see you again," said Mr Borgin his voice as oily as his hair. "Delighted- and young Master Malfoy too- charmed. How may I be of assistance? I must show, just in today, and very reasonably priced-."
"I'm not buying today, Mr Borgin, but selling," said Mr Malfoy.
"Selling?" The smile gleamed on Mr Borgin's face.
"You have heard, of course, that the Ministry is conducting more raids," said Mr Malfoy taking a roll of parchment from his inside pocket. "I have a few-ah- items at home that might embarrass me, if the Ministry were to call…"
They haggled over prices for a few minutes; Draco was getting closer and closer to Harry's giant penis…. his hiding place that is.
"Good day to you Mr Borgin, I'll expect to see you at the manor tomorrow to pick up the…er...(cough) goods…. Come Draco!"
Harry waited for Mr Borgin to disappear into the back room and then quietly he slipped out of the shop door.
Clutching his broken glasses to his face he stared around. The place he had emerged into was a dingy alleyway that seemed to be made up entirely of shops devoted to a thing called 'porn'. Almost every shop had the strange new word in the title. Feeling jumpy, Harry set off, trying to hold his glasses on straight and hoping against hope he'd be able to find a way out of here.
An old wooden street sign hanging over a shop selling 'naughty toys' told him he was in 'Knocked Up Alley'. He supposed he hadn't spoken clearly enough through his brain filled of solvent back in the Weasleys' bathroom. Trying to stay calm he wondered what to do.
"Not lost are you sexy?" said a voice in his ear making him jump.
A young witch stood in front of him wearing black lace underwear, fishnet stockings, knee high boots, black make up and in her hand she carried a whip. She blew him a kiss and smiled seductively. Harry backed away.
"I'm fine thanks," he said. "I'm just-"
"HARRY! What d'yeh think yer doin' down there?" Harry's heart leapt. The witch fled when she saw the massive form of Hagrid, the Hogwarts Gamekeeper, his beetle black eyes flashing over his great bristling beard.
"Hagrid!" Harry croaked in relief, "I was lost… Loo-Sniffer…"
"Yer a mess!" said Hagrid gruffly, he had steered them right into Diagon Alley.
"Skulkin' around Knocked Up Alley, I dunno- dodgy place, Harry- Don' want no one ter see yeh down there."
"I was lost- what were you doing down there anyway?" Harry asked.
"I was getting the Headmaster's order." Hagrid indicated the pile of black wrapped magazines in his arms. "Yer not on your own?" Hagrid asked.
"I'm staying with the Weasleys but we got separated," Harry explained. "I've got to find them…"
They set off down the street together.
"Harry! Harry! Over Here!"
Harry looked up from explaining his holiday woes to Hagrid and saw Hermione Granger standing at the top of the white flight of steps to Gringotts. She ran down to meet them, her bushy brown hair flying behind her.
"Hello, Hagrid, oh, it's wonderful to see you two again!" She gave Harry a quick hug and smiled at Hagrid. As Harry felt Hermione press herself against him a familiar feeling came over him, one that he had only ever felt around one other person…it couldn't be right…could it? Hermione interrupted his trail of thought.
"Are you coming into Gringotts Harry?"
"As soon as I've found the Weasleys."
"Yeh won't have to wait long," grinned Hagrid.
Harry and Hermione turned to see five ranga heads pushing their way through the crowded street. Ron was first to notice them, his eyes lit up and he broke into a sprint.
"Oh Harry, I'm so sorry. Are you ok?"
"I'm fine Ron. Don't worry its not your fault I suck at using Loo-Sniffer." Ron didn't seem convinced.
Fred, George, Percy and Mr Weasley came running up behind Ron.
"Harry," Mr Weasley panted. " We'd hoped you'd only gone one loo too far… Molly's frantic… she'll be here in a minute. It's the weight you see, just can't seem to keep up…"
"Where did you come out?" Ron asked.
"Knocked Up Alley." Said Hagrid, smiling to himself.
"Brilliant!" said Percy. "We've never been allowed in," he said enviously.
"Too right you ain't. Well, gotta be off. Here comes Molly now. See you at Hogwarts." Said Hagrid waving.
Mrs Weasley appeared red faced and sweaty with Ginny at her side. She sat down on a step clutching at her chest and breathing heavily. Harry had never been more turned off in his life as he watched the rolls of fat jiggle after every breath out. He shuddered and turned away in disgust.
"Guess who I saw in Borgin and Burkes?" Harry asked Ron and Hermione as they climbed the Gringotts steps. "Malfoy and his father."
"Did Lucius buy anything?" Mr Weasley asked curiously, behind them.
"No, he was selling."
"So, he's worried," said Mr Weasley with a grin of satisfaction. "Oh I'd love to get it off with Lu- I mean," he said glancing at Harry, Hermione and Ron's frowns. "I mean I'd love to get him for something. I'd give anything just to see if what he's got is better than mine…" he closed his eyes and smiled to himself.
"You be careful Arthur," said Mrs Weasley sharply, "That family's trouble. Don't go poking around just for fun."
"So you don't think I'm a match for Lucius Malfoy?" he snapped, glaring at his wife. The anger faded, "Well he is very striking in his appearance…" Mr Weasley trailed off and began to smile to himself again.
After collecting their money Harry, Hermione and the Weasleys went to buy their books at Flourish and Blotts. On the door of the crowded shop was a large sign reading:
Gilderoy LockhartWill be signing copies of his autobiography
Magical Me:
A Life of Mischief…
…In the bedroom.
Today 12.30 – 4.30pm"We can actually meet him!" squealed Mrs Weasley. "Out of my way boys-" she pushed Harry and Ron aside "-I'm going in!" She opened the door and the sound of screaming excited women filled the air. Mrs Weasley grabbed the lady closest to her by the hair and flung her to the floor, the next was pushed in the back, a third punched in the face- "Out of my way, bitch!"
"That's my girl," laughed Mr Weasley. The rest of them squeezed through the door. They could see a hand waving at them from the front of the crowd. It took a good minute or two to reach Mrs Weasley although a nice path had been cleared. Harry couldn't help but look apologetically at the women on the floor who were now being stepped on.
"Oh, there you are, good," said Mrs Weasley, she sounded breathless and was nursing a bloodied fist. "We'll be able to see him in a minute…"
Gilderoy Lockhart came slowly into view. He looked just as he had in Mrs Weasley's photo except this time he was clothed.
A short irritable man was dancing around taking photographs. "Out of my way!" he snarled at Ron.
"Don't you talk to him like that!" yelled Harry unable to control himself.
"Harry, please-" whispered Ron.
"No Ron, I'm not gonna stand by and let some one talk to you that way!"
Gilderoy Lockhart looked up to see why the crowd's attention had been drawn away from himself. He saw Harry and stared, "It can't be, " he shouted, "HARRY POTTER!"
The crowd parted whispering excitedly. Lockhart dived forward and pulled him to the front. The crowd burst into applause. The photographer rushed forward.
"Nice big smile Harry," said Lockhart through gleaming teeth and still holding Harry's hand. "Together you and I are worth the front page."
When he finally let go of his hand, Harry tried to walk quickly back to Ron (who was looking extremely annoyed at how close Lockhart was to Harry at this moment in time) but Lockhart threw his arm around his shoulders and clamped him to his side.
"Ladies and gentlemen," he said loudly, waving for quiet. Harry suddenly stood bolt upright- something was touching his arse. Lockhart's hand was touching-no, SQUEEZING, his, HARRY'S, ARSE!
As Lockhart continued on with his speech, Harry could not listen to a word; he was oblivious to everything except the movement of Lockhart's hand. He stared at the floor in front of him, breathing nervously as he felt the hand feel it's way up to the top of his pants. Lockhart's voice continued talking to the crowd as though nothing was happening. The pants were pulled open, Harry swallowed, biting his lip, the hand crept inside. His heart began to pound violently in his chest. He looked over to Ron for help, but Ron didn't seem to be paying attention. The hand gave his arse a tight squeeze and made its way down the leg to which it began to rub.
The crowd applauded again and the hand was whipped out.
"See you at school Harry," Lockhart whispered in his ear, his voice low and seductive.
Harry's heart stopped- "What?"
"Weren't you listening?" asked Lockhart his blue eyes flashing. "I'm your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Now off you run, your friends are waiting," He gave Harry a gentle push back into the crowd.
"Harry what's wrong? You're really white and you're…you're shaking! Harry? Are you all right?"
"I think he needs some air Ron, c'mon lets get him outside. You can tell us out there Harry," said Hermione. Together she and Ron led Harry back through the crowd but were stopped by some one at the door.
"Bet you loved that, didn't you Potter? Famous Harry Potter, can't even go into a book-shop without making the front page."
Harry straightened up and found himself face to face with Draco Malfoy. Malfoy stepped closer, "I saw where his hands were, Harry," he whispered in a worried voice, his eyes looked different: not their usual cold, grey and secretive, on the contrary they were alive and searching, almost concerned. He blinked suddenly as though coming back to reality and raised his voice "got yourself a boyfriend have we?" He stepped back, laughed and raised his eyebrows to Ron's confused stare. "Ooh watch out, looks like Weasley's jealous!"
Ron dropped his books and leapt at Malfoy.
"NO!" yelled Harry, throwing himself between them.
"See Weasley, Potter knows you can't take me on."
Ron looked from Harry to Malfoy, fuming.
"Ron!" said Mr Weasley struggling over with Fred and George. "What are you doing? It's mad in here, let's go outside."
"Well, well, well- Arthur Weasley." Lucius Malfoy stepped into the store and put his hand on his son's shoulder, smirking, "fancy meeting you here…"
"L... L…Lucius," stuttered Mr Weasley going bright red.
"Busy time at the ministry, I hear," said Mr Malfoy. "All those raids…I- GOOD GOD MAN! GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF!"
Mr Weasley had suddenly jumped on top of Lucius, pinning him to the floor and was now passionately kissing him.
"SOME ONE GET HIM OFF ME!" screamed Mr Malfoy, trying to block Mr Weasley from his mouth. Harry and Malfoy each grabbed one of Mr Weasley's arms and with some struggle eventually pulled him off. Lucius got off the floor; he spat and wiped his mouth.
"CHRIST! DON'T YOU EVER COME NEAR ME OR MY FAMILY AGAIN, YOU'RE A DISGRACE TO THE NAME WIZARD!" He looked around the crowded shop and Harry noticed a look of relief cross his face. It seemed the crowd's attention was still on Lockhart and no one had noticed what had just happened. Lucius's eyes narrowed and he glared at Mr Weasley. "Don't even dream of mentioning this again or you won't know what's hit you, Weasley." He spat the final word. He beckoned to Draco and swept from the shop, flattening his long white-blonde hair.
Harry turned to see Mr Weasley staring at the door, beaming. " It was worth it!" he announced brushing his fingers over his lips, "It was definitely worth it!"
A/N: Hope you enjoyed our more interesting twist of events, please tell us what you think. We'd love to get a review.
Froste.
