A/N: Hi guys, long time no speak. I've been banned from using the computer for a while now. But ive also been busy packing for Japan. im going with mother to stay in Tokyo this holidays. Just so i can get my bearings and a feel for the city so im not completely over-whelmed later this year when i go on my own. Madley hasnt been allowed to come cos only I do Jap at school. So they're (Mad and father) are staying home to play polo and crouquet. so, you may not hear from me for a little while. Thankyou to those new people who have started reading our story and those of you who finally decided to tell us what you think. It resulted in a very quick re-post, as promised. We'll see what we can do about getting the follow up chapter to you in a couple of days, because it wont make much sense without it. so hope you enjoy this one!

syonara minasan, konichiwa nihon...

"goodbye everyone, hello japan!"

Blaze-Splinder Froste...enjoy!

-CHAPTER SEVENTEEN-

How Bout Your Virginity…?

Harry whipped the cloak off both of them.

"Oh shit, they caught Hagrid and Dumbledore! What are we going to do?" Harry was stressing out.

"Hagrid said follow the spiders…" Ron looked down and followed the trail of spiders scuttling up the wall and out the window.

"Oh, as though! We aren't seriously going to do what he says! He's a fucking pedo, Ron!" Harry looked outraged at the sheer idea of following the spiders.

"Ok, ok, calm down, Harry. I'm sure we'll be ok. Let's just go back up to the castle before we get attacked." Ron pulled the cloak over them both.

As they were walking across the grounds, Harry confessed to Ron, "Listen Ron, there's something I have to tell you…" and he told Ron all about the memory in the diary.

They decided to go back up to their dormitory and get some sleep before going to see Hermione in the hospital the next day.

The next morning they were walking to visit Hermione, when Professor McGonagall stopped them.

"Where are you boys going? You're not supposed to be out here alone."

"Sorry Professor, we were hoping to pay Hermione a visit." Harry explained.

"Oh, well, I supposed you could, just tell Madame Pomfrey you have my permission, otherwise she might not let you in."

"Thank you." They jogged down the corridor to the hospital wing. Madame Pomfrey let them in, but reluctantly.

"There's no point talking to a petrified person," she said and they had to admit she was right when they'd taken their seat next to Hermione. It was plain that Hermione didn't have the faintest inkling that she had visitors. Harry and Ron sat staring ashen faced at her body, still trying to take in what had happened to her.

"Poor thing…" Harry put his hand on Hermione's right breast and squeezed. "Oh, what's that?…" Harry looked shocked.

"What's what?" Ron looked puzzled.

"Are all girls' breasts supposed to be lumpy?" Harry asked Ron, feeling Hermione more searchingly.

"No idea," Ron said.

Harry pulled Hermione's top down revealing her bra. There was a lump sticking obscurely out.

"What the fuck's that?" Ron looked confused.

Harry put his hand inside Hermione's bra and felt around for a while.

"Oh, take your bloody time in there!" Ron said sarcastically.

Harry pulled out a scrunched piece of paper.

"What the fuck!" he started to open it.

It was a page torn from a very old library book. Harry smoothed it out eagerly and Ron leant closer to read it aswell.

'Of the many fearsome beasts and monsters that roam our land, there is none more horny or deadly than the Basilisk, known also as the Raping Serpent. The snake, which appears pink in colour and may reach giant size, can also live many hundreds of years. It is born from a chicken's egg, hatched beneath a feotus. Its methods of raping are most wondrous for aside from its giant penis-like appearance, the Basilisk has a murderous stare, and all who are fixed with the beam of its eye shall suffer instant death. Spiders flee before the Basilisk for it is their mortal enemy, and it flees only from the crowing of the rooster, which is fatal to it.'

And beneath this a single word was written in a hand Harry recognised as Hermione's. 'Pipes.'

It was as though someone had flicked a light on his head.

"Ron," he breathed, "This is it. This is the answer. The monster in the Chamber's a Basilisk- a giant dick! That's why I've been hearing that voice all over the place, and nobody else has ever heard it. It's because I understand Parseltongue…"

Harry looked up at the beds around him.

"The Basilisk kills people by looking at them. But no one's dead- because no one looked it straight in the eye. Colin saw it through his camera. The Basilisk burned up all the film inside it, but Colin just got petrified. Justin…sweet beautiful Justin…"

Ron cocked an eyebrow as Harry trailed off into a world of fantasy, "Ah, Harry!" he said a little too loudly.

Harry jumped and stared at him, slightly confused as to where he was.

"Justin…" Ron prompted.

"Oh right. Justin… Justin must've seen the Basilisk through Nearly Headless Nick! Nick got the full blast of it, but he couldn't die again… and Hermione and Percy's whore were found with a mirror next to them. Hermione had just realized the monster was a Basilisk. I bet you anything she warned the first person she met to look round corners with a mirror! And that girl pulled out her mirror- and-"

"Anything, eh?" said Ron slyly. "How bout your virginity?"

Harry frowned, "What!"

"You said you'd bet me anything that Hermione warned the first person she saw and I'm willing to take you up on that bet," said Ron coolly.

"What? Ron, don't take everything I say so literally, you dick. I wasn't fuckin' serious!" Harry rolled his eyes at Ron's stupidity.

Ron, over-embarrassed by Harry making him look stupid, tried to get him back. "Oh yeah, then Harry, what about Mrs Norris? That screws up your wonderful explanation. I don't think the cat had a mirror or camera."

Ron smirked as Harry frowned vacantly at the floor. He thought hard, picturing the scene on the night of the attack.

"The water…" he said slowly, "the flood of water from Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. I bet you-" Harry stopped, cleared his throat, Ron sneered even more.

"-Mrs Norris only saw the reflection," he concluded triumphantly, giving Ron one of his boyfriend's infamous, Malfoy smirks.

He scanned the page in his hand eagerly. The more he looked at it, the more it made sense.

"Spiders flee before it! It all fits!"

"But how's the Basilisk been getting around the place?" said Ron. "A dirty great snake… I mean who's gonna miss a snake that looks like a giant dick sliding past them?"

Harry, however, pointed at the word Hermione had scribbled at the foot of the page.

"Pipes," he said. "Pipes… Ron, it's been using the plumbing. I've been hearing that voice inside the walls…"

Ron suddenly grabbed Harry's arm.

"Pipes, Harry! Where's somewhere we know that's full of pipes? A bathroom! But not just any bathroom- what if the Chamber of Secrets entrance is in-"

"- Moaning Myrtle's bathroom," said Harry. "Yes, it fits," he squealed excitedly, wringing Ron's arm. "It all fits! Draco told us that last time the Chamber was opened a girl died. Myrtle's still wearing her robes, so she must have died in them. She died here at school and I'm sure as hell not many other people would have, it must have been her that the Basilisk killed! Yes, Ron, that's it! The entrance has got to be in her bathroom!"

They stood there, excitement coursing through them, hardly able to believe it.

"What shall we do?" asked Ron, whose eyes where flashing, "Shall we go to the staff room?"

"Yeah, McGonagall will be there."

They ran down the stairs. Not wanting to be discovered hanging around in another deserted corridor, they went straight into the staff room. It was completely deserted. It was a large paneled room full of dark wooden chairs. There was a table in the center, which again had a stack of black wrapped magazines.

Harry and Ron paced around the room, too excited to sit down, waiting for the bell to signal break.

But the bell never came.

Instead, echoing down through the corridors came Professor McGonagall's voice, magically magnified.

"All students to return to their house dormitories at once. All teachers return to the staff room. Immediately please."

Harry wheeled round and grabbed Ron's shoulders, his face full of panic.

"Not another attack, Ron! What if it's Draco!"

"Harry, calm down. Draco's a pureblood, he'll be safe! But what do we do! We're in the staff room for god's sake. The teachers are gonna be here any second!"

"Shit," said Harry, glancing around. There was an ugly sort of wardrobe to his left, full of all the teachers' cloaks. "In here. Let's hear what it's about."

He grabbed Ron's hand and dragged him into the closet with him. The cupboard inside was cramped and the boys had to stand bodies pressed up against each other.

"What went wrong with us, Harry?" whispered Ron.

Harry managed to resist the urge to slap him. This was neither the time nor the place. He calmed his breathing and put on a pleasant voice.

"Ron, please, this isn't-"

"Come on Harry, please. Just tell me. It's all I ask. What went wrong?"

Harry sighed. "Nothing went really wrong,Ron. I loved the time we spent together. But I like the time we spend together now, even better, as just- friends. Besides, I found someone else."

"Ok," said Ron, "I understand. I KNEW YOU WERE GONNA LEAVE ME FOR HIM! FUCK! I KNEW IT-"

But Ron was cut off by the rumble of the staff room door opening.

From behind the musty folds of cloaks, they watched the teachers filtering into the room. Some of them were looking puzzled, others downright scared. Then Professor McGonagall arrived.

"It has happened," she told the silent staff room. "A student has been taken by the monster. Right into the Chamber itself."

Professor Flitwick squealed and dropped into Professor Sprout's arms, whimpering.

"There, there my love," she cooed, rubbing her lover's back.

Madam Hooch clapped her hands over her mouth. Snape gripped the back of a chair very hard and said, "How can we be sure?"

"The heir of Slytherin," said Professor McGonagall, who was very white, "left another message. Right under the first one. Her skeleton will lie in the Chamber for ever."

Professor Flitwick burst into tears in Professor Sprout's arms.

"Who is it?" said Madam Hooch, who had sunk, weak-kneed, into a chair, "Which student?"

"Ginny Weasley," said Professor McGonagall.

Harry felt Ron slide silently down onto the wardrobe floor beside him.

"We shall have to send all the students home tomorrow," said Professor McGonagall. "This is the end of Hogwarts. Dumbledore always said…"

The staff room door banged open again. For a wild moment, Harry was sure it would be Dumbledore. But it was Lockhart, and he was beaming.

"So sorry- dozed off- what have I missed?"

He didn't seem to notice that the other teachers were looking at him with something remarkably like hatred. Snape stepped forward.

"Just the man," he said. "The very man. A girl has been snatched by the monster, Lockhart. Taken into the Chamber of Secrets itself. Your moment has come at last."

Lockhart blanched.

"That's right, Gilderoy," chipped in Professor Sprout (lover still in arms). "Weren't you saying just last night that you've known all along where the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets is?"

"I-well, I-" spluttered Lockhart.

"Yes, didn't you tell me you were sure you knew what was inside it?" Professor Flitwick piped up, sitting up in Professor Sprout's arms.

"D-did I? I don't recall…"

"Yes actually," said Snape bluntly, "you did."

Lockhart stared around at his stony-faced colleagues.

"I…I really never…You may have misunderstood…"

"We'll leave it to you, then, Gilderoy," said Professor McGonagall. "Tonight will be an excellent time to do it. We'll make sure everyone's out of your way. You'll be able to tackle the monster all by yourself. A free rein at last."

Lockhart gazed desperately around him, but nobody came to the rescue. He didn't look remotely handsome any more.

"V-very well," he said. "I'll- I'll just be in my office, getting- getting ready."

And he left the room.

"Right," said Professor McGonagall, whose nostrils were flared, "that's got that piece

of shit out from under out feet."

By 'piece of shit' Harry assumed she was referring to Lockhart.

"The Heads of Houses should go and inform their students what has happened. Tell them the Hogwarts Express will take them home first thing tomorrow. Will the rest of you please make sure no students have been left outside their dormitories."

The teachers rose, and left one by one.

Harry pushed open the closet door immediately and lifted Ron out. Ron slumped to the floor in a state of shock.

Harry knelt down in front of him, rubbing his leg. "Oh, Ron. I'm so sorry, c'mon mate, it'll be alright."

"Harry," Ron looked up and stared into Harry's eyes, his own filled to the brim with tears. "What are we gonna do?"

Harry thought to himself, a wrinkle forming on his brow, still absent-mindedly rubbing Ron's thigh.

"Ron, Lockhart's gonna try and get into the Chamber, we've got to tell him what we know."

Ron nodded numbly, "Yes…yes that's a good idea."

"And here's something to make you feel better." Harry leant forwards, cupped Ron's face in his hands and pressed his warm lips to Ron's. He drew back and smiled.

"Th…thanks, Harry," Ron smiled back.

"C'mon," Harry pulled Ron to his feet and they ran from the staff room to Lockhart's office.

Darkness was falling as they reached Lockhart's headquarters. There seemed to be a lot of activity going on inside it. They could here scrapes, thumps and hurried footsteps.

Harry knocked. There was a sudden silence from inside. Then the door was opened the tiniest crack and they saw one of Lockhart's eyes through it.

"Oh…Harry…Mr Weasley…" he said, opening the door a mite. "I'm rather busy at the moment. If you would be quick."

"Professor, we've got some information for you," said Harry. "We think it will help you."

"Er- well- it's not terribly-" the side of Lockhart's face that they could see looked rather uncomfortable. "I mean- well- alright."

The door opened and they entered. Lockhart silently locked the door behind them.

The office had been almost completely stripped. Two large trunks stood open on the floor. Robes, jade-green, lilac, midnight blue, had been hastily folded into one of them; the other was filled with books and various pleasuring devices. Harry looked away in disgust.

Against one wall was what looked like a massive surveillance system: computer screens, monitors, cameras, endless rolls of film, numerous reports, and an abundant array of scattered post-it notes. Harry stepped forward and picked up a report- '12.37pm: subject goes to toilet. Returns after 10min interval, excretes No.2' He picked up another- '8.24am: subject has shower: 11min, 47sec. Forgot towel, was forced to leave nude. Photos- 3rd drawer, filed under: 'sexual fantasy', check also: 'HP's behind'

"What the hell is this?" muttered Harry enraged, gesturing towards the monitoring equipment.

"Just a bit of surveillance, Harry. Thought you wouldn't mind. I like to keep an eye

on my playmates," said Gilderoy.

Ron was looking back and forth between the teacher and his student, confused. He looked around the room at all the books and clothes that had been hastily stuffed into the two open trunks.

"Are you going somewhere?" he asked slowly.

"Er, well, yes," said Lockhart, ripping a life-size poster of himself from the back of the door as he spoke, and started to roll it up. "Urgent call…unavoidable…got to go…"

"What about my sister?" said Ron jerkily.

"Well, as to that- most unfortunate," said Lockhart avoiding their eyes as he started frantically shoving the reports and post-it notes into a bag. "No one regrets more than I-"

"You're the fucking Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher!" yelled Harry, flailing his arms.

"Well, I must say…when I took the job…" Lockhart muttered, now piling the rolls of film on top of his robes, "nothing in the job description… didn't expect…"

"You mean you're running away?" said Harry disbelievingly. "After all that stuff you did in your books?"

"Books can be misleading," said Lockhart delicately.

"You wrote them!" Harry shouted.

"My dear boy," said Lockhart, straightening up and frowning at Harry. "Do use your common sense. My books wouldn't have sold half as well if people didn't think that I'd done all those things. No one wants to read about some ugly American hobo, even if he did save a village from werewolves. He'd look dreadful on the front cover. No dress sense at all. And the wretch who banished the Bandon Banshee had a harelip. I mean, come on…"

"So you've just been taking credit for what a load of other people have done?" said Harry incredulously.

"Harry, Harry," said Lockhart, shaking his head impatiently, "it's not nearly as simple as that. There was work involved. I had to track these people down. Ask them exactly how they managed to do what they did. Then I had to put a Memory Charm on them so they wouldn't remember doing it. If there's one thing I pride myself on, it's my Memory Charms. No, it's been a lot of hard work, Harry. It's not all book signings and seducing young boys, you know. You want fame and sex, you have to be prepared for a long hard slog."

He banged the lids of his trunks shut.

"Let's see," he said. "I think that's everything." He shoved a loose post-it note into his pocket. "Yes, only one thing left."

He pulled out his wand and turned to them.

"Awfully sorry, boys, but I'll have to put a Memory Charm on you now. Can't have you blabbing my secrets all over the place. I'd never sell another book. Unless of course… don't have time for one last little 'game' do we, Harry, before I wipe your memories?"

Harry glared at Lockhart. Ron frowned.

"Harry, what's he talking about- game?"

The answer was cut off by a rattling from the door. Harry swore he heard a voice curse form outside.

"Did you hear that?" asked Ron, walking over to the door.

Lockhart's wand swung round and he pointed it at Ron's face, stopping the red head in his tracks.

"I heard nothing dear boy, now stop stalling for time, Harry, what's it going to be?"

Harry looked furious at the older man's suggestion. "Go fuck yourself you desperate old bastard. I'm not gonna let some sick gay man touch me, especially not one as old and unattractive as you," Harry spat at his teacher.

"O-old…un-una-unattractive," stuttered Lockhart. He looked devastated at the thought.

"I'm tired of this game," said Harry, drawing out his wand, "Aren't you Ron?"

Ron nodded and followed Harry's lead, pulling out his own wand and pointing it at Gilderoy.

"Drop your wand," Harry ordered.

Lockhart looked up and came face to face with two wands- he was outnumbered.

He dropped his wand. Ron dashed forward and picked it up, throwing it out the window.

"HA!" he yelled.

Lockhart sighed. "What do you want me to do?" he said weakly. "I don't know where the Chamber of Secrets is. There's nothing I can do."

"You're in luck," said Harry. "We think we know where it is. And what's in it. Now OUT! Ron, the door, if you please."

Ron nodded and walked to the door, turned the key in the lock and swung it open. Lockhart was marched out with Harry and Ron behind him, wands in his back. They marched down the nearest staircase and along the dark corridor where the messages shone on the wall.

Ron suddenly came to a holt. "What was that?" he yelled spinning around and pointing his wand at the deserted passage.

"Ron, you're hearing things again," said Harry, whom had heard nothing.

Ron shook his head and turned back to Harry and Lockhart. They entered Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.

They sent Lockhart in first; Harry was pleased to see that he was shaking. Moaning Myrtle was sitting on the cistern of the end toilet.

"Harry!" she leapt up and swept over to him delighted.

"Hey Myrtle," said Harry. He walked over to the sink and studied it. Ron and Lockhart came over too.

"Look," said Harry pointing to the tap.

"A snake," breathed Ron. And that it was: scratched on the side of one of the copper taps was a tiny snake.

"That tap's never worked," said Myrtle brightly as Harry tried to turn it.

"This must be it," said Ron. "This must be the Chamber's entrance."

Harry nodded, thinking it over. It all fitted. Suddenly he could feel iciness around his backside, it was getting colder, until-

"SHIT MYRTLE!" he screamed clutching his freezing backside. It was almost numb. "Do you know how fucking disturbing that feels? I thought I told you not to try and touch me, ever; I've got a boyfriend, you know?"

"A-a boyfriend?" she asked, slightly confused, "but Harry," she frowned, "how can you have a boy friend? You're- you're a- a-"

"A boy?" spat Harry. Christ hadn't this girl ever heard of gays? "And what's wrong with that?"

He put his hands on his hips and glared at her, "homophobe," he muttered.

"Look, just piss off, Myrtle. We don't need you here anyway." Ron didn't need Harry having an argument about gay rights with the ghost at a time like this.

"Fine," said Myrtle moodily and she disappeared into her cubicle.

They all turned back to the sink.

"Say something in Parseltongue," urged Ron.

Harry thought hard, it made sense. He stared at the tiny engraved snake, trying to imagine it real.

"Open up," he said, staring at the snake, willing himself to believe it was alive. "Open up," he repeated, except the words weren't what he heard, a strange hissing escaped him, and at once the tap glowed a brilliant white and began to spin. Next second, the sink began to move, sinking right out of sight, leaving a large exposed pipe visible.

To the shock of the three onlookers, a filthy, unmanicured hand, suddenly reached out from the pipe, grasping the floor above. An arm followed the hand, revealing a pink tattered sleeve.

Carson Kressley crawled gasping from the Chamber's entrance. The Queer Eye for the Straight Guy theme song was pumping from an unknown source. 'All things just keep getting better…'

"Oh my gosh!" squealed the gay, elegantly getting to his feet and noticing Harry. "If it isn't the famous Harry Potter. Thank you for letting me out. I thought I was gonna, like, fully die down there. Thanks sweetie pie." He tweaked Harry's cheek.

"Oh my, aren't we the looker," Carson turned to Lockhart and checked him out. "I'll be seeing you later. We're gonna need to zjoojsh you up a bit, though. Teacher's robes are so last year."

He turned and flicked his hand into the international gay gesture, then strutted out, swinging his hips, muttering, "Down there for fifty years, no products, no designer brands, life without the theatre- I'll get Ted for this…"

Harry shook his head and stared back down the pipe, wondering what other surprises the Chamber had install for them.

"I'm going down there," he announced. He couldn't not go, not now they had found the entrance to the Chamber, not if there was the faintest, slimmest, wildest chance that Ginny might be alive.

"WHAT?" yelled Ron. "Well then, me too."

"Well, you hardly seem to need me," said Lockhart, backing towards the door. "I'll just-"

"I don't think so!" snarled Harry, wand aimed at the man's heart, "You can go first."

The teacher's face went white and he approached the gaping hole.

"Boys," he said, his voice feeble, "boys what good will it do?"

Harry jabbed him the back with his wand, Lockhart slipped his legs into the pipe.

"I really don't think-" Ron gave him a push in the back, the man shrieked and disappeared from view. Ron jumped in after the teacher.

Harry looked into the gaping hole. It was pitch black; he couldn't see Lockhart or Ron. He swallowed and lowered himself slowly into the pipe.

"Oi, Myrtle," he called to the ghost girl.

Myrtle appeared at his side at once, staring longingly at Harry. She too, looked into the gaping hole and swallowed.

"Harry if you die down there you're welcome to share my toilet."

Harry shook his head, gee this girl was persistent, but his mind was set- it was boys for him, one wonderful boy in particular.

A thought came to him.

"Myrtle, if I don't come back, tell Draco I love him."

Myrtle looked irritated at the idea but nodded sadly.

"Thanks Myrtle, I know I can count on you."

Myrtle smiled shyly at him.

Jesus, this was getting awkward, he turned away and looked back into the pipe.

"Here I go," he announced.

"I can't watch!" cried Myrtle and disappeared.

Girls, thought Harry, rolling his eyes. He edged slowly away from the floor, lowering himself into the pipe.

"HARRY, NO!"

He stopped what he was doing- that had been a boy's voice- his boy's voice. He spun round, "Draco?"

There stood his boyfriend, he looked worried and his eyes were an alarming size, but he still managed to look immaculate. God, he's hot, thought Harry.

All of a sudden, without warning, Harry felt his arm muscles shudder and collapse under his weight. He had lowered himself too far into the pipe. He gasped in astonishment and the blonde disappeared from sight.

"HARRY!" came the cry from above, but the voice disappeared into the darkness along with the rest of the world above.