Just breathe.
The small smile on Nico's face was apparently enough to hide the fear that, once again, had Nico's chest in its icy, harsh grip. As he fought to keep moving towards where Will had just sat down, Nico felt the instinct to run begin to rapidly ramp up in his system.
With every breath, he could feel the rising tension in all the muscles of his body. His heart thumped rapidly in his chest, hands gently quivering in his pockets. His chronically cold fingers and palms had all glazed over with a sheen of sweat, and every fiber of his being was screaming and fighting his will, begging him to turn tail and flee.
Guess I'm not much of a fighter, Nico thought sarcastically, adrenaline triggering his instinct for escape. He knew that it wasn't a life-or-death situation. Nico knew that Will wanted him to be comfortable over anything else, but Nico also wanted, more than anything, to be able to do this for Will.
Nico's brain definitely wasn't helping to alleviate the stress induced by the impending confrontation. He recognized the familiar sensation of panic building up into a tight coil of rapid thinking, feeling the manifestation of mental strain in his body.
But despite his awareness of how he was feeling, and his desire to change, he was still fighting an uphill battle against the overwhelming torrent of intrusive thoughts.
It's not too late to leave. You can just tell Will you'd rather not do this today.
Nico swallowed, trying to push back against the tempting prospect of running away from what he was afraid of.
"But I already told him I'd be there, and I've already come this far."
He said he would go back to the library with you. You don't have to push yourself this far.
"If I don't push myself, I'm never going to be able to move on with my life."
Humans are judgmental by nature; they take one look at you and decide that they know who you are based on how you look.
They're going to shut down any possibility of accepting someone like you.
"But maybe they won't, and I'll make new friends."
Do you really think that can happen?
Nico recalled the sight of papers, pencils, and books, forcefully pushed to the floor, rapid-fire images flashing through his mind. Laughs and jeers, directed only at him while he stood frozen, unable to fight back. The sharp pains of slaps and punches, the sound of shoes scuffing against pavement as yet another kick dug into his sides.
"Too bad Bianca isn't here to protect you anymore, huh?" the faceless voice echoed, memories from middle school leaking into the forefront of his thoughts, ceaselessly invading his consciousness like water through a crumbling dam.
Still struggling to stand firm, Nico asserted to himself, "I don't need protection, there's nothing to be protected from."
What makes you think that they'll like you if they get to talk to you? It's not like you're special or interesting in the slightest. What do you even offer as a 'friend'? You're only going to regret this.
Harsh words, insecurities, threats, and denial shredded through what was left of Nico's of courage and determination. As hard as Nico was trying not to let his emotions escape his control, he could feel the characteristic veil of despair settle into his stream of consciousness, poisoning his mind as each second passed.
They're not going to accept you. Nothing you do even remotely deserves interest, so why would people care about who you are? This is going to be absolutely horrible, there's no way it works out well.
Sensations, as fresh as they were years ago, rapidly rushed through Nico's mind as he struggled to remain composed. He should have been completely fine, everything had been going great up until now, but instead, he was now drowning in his own memories, unable to breach the surface for air.
'You still play stupid kid's games like this? Maybe getting rid of these will help you grow up already, crybaby.' The frigid fall air, filled with the crisp sound of ripping cards, the crunch of plastic snapping underfoot, the countless glints of foiled paper, floating down onto the sidewalk. The way the world around him faded into a blur as his eyes pooled with tears. The sinking, heavy pain in his chest he hadn't felt since he learned that Bianca was never coming back.
Squeezing his eyes shut, Nico grasped at the few threads of self-control he had left. He desperately tried to revisit the joy he felt when he was with Will.
As he reminisced, the little things that caught his attention began to reveal themselves again. He remembered their friendly bantering over Charon the clarinet. He remembered Will's sweet, heart-melting smile, when Nico said he wanted to spend more time together. Nico could still feel the energy Will carried in every part of his body while excitedly telling stories about his siblings in a strained whisper, held back by the threat of a harsh scolding from the librarian.
Were those moments not worth taking on the risk?
Taking the risk for what? You don't even know if he thinks of you more than a friend. Look at how affectionate he is with everyone else.
The earlier sight of Will's hands in someone else's—the very hands that had been in Nico's own just two days ago—had sparked a small flame of jealousy in Nico's chest.
You've been reading into all of this wrong. He doesn't want to get to know you that way. He might even be just barely tolerating you now.
"Will talks to me on his own. Why would he do that if he didn't want to get to know me? I think at the very least, it shows that he wants me around."
You think? That's not very convincing. You're just asking to be hurt at this point if you keep doing things for Will just because you want his attention. He's just going to use you and throw you away.
Nico gritted his teeth in agitation. "I… Will doesn't think of me like that. I'm not doing this for Will, I want to do this for me."
It's happened before, it'll happen again. What makes you so sure this'll be different?
"Shut the fuck up and stop letting yourself get in the way. You know it's never as bad as you make it out to be."
He opened his eyes and pushed himself off the wall that he had subconsciously backed up into. Despite the thoughts that continued to pester Nico incessantly, and the looming, ever present anxiety woven into the smallest fibers of his being, he was still resolved to follow through. Eyes trained on the ground, focusing on taking slow, full breaths, Nico watched his own slow steps approach the small group of people.
A loud thud shook Nico out of his thoughts. He snapped his head up as a mix of voices burst into resounding laughter barely three feet in front of him.
Will had been pushed down flat on the seats of the cafeteria, the other boy leaning over him, zealously struggling to grab at one of Will's hands. Will's laughter bubbled out of him as he pulled the other boy flush to his own chest, a shout of protest at Will's restraint accompanying even more of a struggle to escape from Will's arms.
But even with all of the loud laughter and shouting, Nico picked up on a single phrase, almost drowned out by the chaos, that shattered any sense of stability that he had managed to cobble together.
"Ew, this again? Get a room, you two," said the raven-haired girl, rolling her bright green eyes in disgust.
It felt as if the passage of time had slowed to a crawl, the biting phrases cycling menacingly in his own mind.
All of the air rushed out of Nico's lungs in that instant, the little composure he was able to maintain completely gone. At that moment, any resolve he had to keep pushing himself out of his comfort zone had disappeared, expelled with his last breath. Drowning in the situation in front of him, Nico felt the strength ebb out of his mind and body, finally releasing his grip on the intrusive thoughts buzzing around in his head.
'Ew, this again?' I guess I was wrong about him, huh? Figures.
The nagging suspicion that Will was only interested in him as a friend didn't seem so far from the truth anymore.
That's what you get for letting your guard down.
With that thought swirling around in his head, agitating and releasing everything else he had managed to suppress, Nico did the only thing he knew how to do when things became too much to bear.
He ran.
