Remastered Edits: Never seen before chapter!
Chapter 6: Wounds of the Past
"The average life consists of equal amounts of good and bad memories. Sure, you may get that one good moment that you can reminisce about for years to come. However, there will always be that one bad memory, that one bad day, that sticks with you for the rest of your life."
Dillon looked over at Jean's table and couldn't bring himself to sit with him and Marco again. He just wasn't in the mood. Even sitting with Annie didn't sit right with him today. So, he picked a random table and sat down. Coincidentally, he was sitting next to Mikasa and across from Eren and Armin, but he wasn't paying attention. He found the food on his tray much more interesting.
Armin and Eren chatted away while Mikasa listened to them quietly. Though her attention strayed to the newcomer at the table every now and again, as though unsure of just why he was there.
Armin, a bit more observant than Eren, turned to Dillon with a winning smile. "What do you think, Dillon?" Armin realized a second later that Amsdale hadn't been paying attention to their conversation, so he added. "About the rankings. We were trying to figure out who's going to take the top spot."
Dillon's head popped up, staring at the trio. it was the first time it hit him that he was sitting with them and he was right next to Mikasa. Hoping they didn't notice his immediate reaction, he quickly covered it up with, "Uh, I'm thinking Reiner. I mean, he's got everything: a good personality, willing to help others, and incredible strength and endurance. He's got my vote."
Eren nodded his head. "Yeah, I guess that's a given." Dillon had picked one of the few people Eren wouldn't contest being better than him.
"And Mikasa a natural," Armin said as he feigned bright enjoyment while studying Dillon closely.
Mikasa took the comment gracefully and quietly.
"Then there's Annie." Eren marked a 3 on his fingers. "I should be able to beat Bertholdt and horse-face at least."
"Speaking of Annie," Armin interjected, taking advantage of Eren's words, "you normally sit with her."
"Well, I wanted to give her some space in case she's sick of seeing this mug every morning," Dillon answered, pointing at his own face for enunciation. "And, Eren, you gotta level with me: how does Jean's face look like a horse? I don't see it. A buck-toothed rabbit? Maybe."
Quickly changing the topic. Interesting.
Eren gesticulated at his face. "You're getting close. It's just so long and he has those big teeth and eyes."
He shrugged. "I've seen bigger eyes." He glanced over at Mikasa, who was looking at him intently. "Uh... you want me to go away, don't you?"
Mikasa raised an eyebrow. Then shook her head. "It's okay."
Dillon breathed a sigh of relief, then realized how inappropriate that came across. "Sorry. I honestly thought after my spat with Eren, I was close to the top of your 'hate' list."
Mikasa fixed him with a gaze only one or two degrees warmer than Annie's. "You're blunt, aren't you?"
Eren and Armin immediately went quiet.
He gulped, his nervousness apparent. "I just screwed up again, didn't I?"
"No. I appreciate it."
It was like Eren and Armin deflated in relief.
"You don't have to look after me anyway, Mikasa," Eren said in a huff.
Dillon was also relieved, so he decided to engage in something he never thought he would with Mikasa: casual conversation. "If you don't mind me asking, Mikasa, how is it you're so good at... everything? Prior training?"
She shrugged. "It just comes to me."
Eren scowled. "It really does. Everything."
Mikasa's shoulders slumped a bit, the only sign of sadness she'd ever given in front of Dillon.
Dillon glanced at Armin, giving him a look that said, "I just tapped a sore subject, didn't I?"
Armin gave him an alarmed look that confirmed his unasked question.
"I'll just have to get better then." Eren shoveled some of the food into his mouth for emphasis.
Dillon gave a sad smile and decided to help out without it sounding like he was helping. "You three are lucky to have each other, you know?"
"I think so, too." Armin gestured with his fork. "I wouldn't have made it this far without either of them."
"You do get into a lot of trouble." Eren nudged Armin.
The blonde let out a nervous chuckle. "Yeah, kind of do."
"Don't sell yourself short, Eren. You get in plenty of trouble as it is," Dillon assured good-naturedly.
"It's not like I go looking for it," he mumbled.
Dillon smirked. He knew it wasn't completely true, but he didn't push it. "That being said, I think it's kind of cool you have someone to pull you out if you get in too deep."
Some of the cadets briefly glanced at their table, a bit surprised by what was occurring. Dillon and Eren were usually butting heads almost as much as Jean and Eren were. To see him casually interacting with them, almost like he was part of the group was astonishing.
Eren rolled his eyes. "I'd be fine. I'm not a kid any more. Besides, the way Shadis likes to pick on you, maybe you need the protection."
"He's not focusing on you as much, right?" Armin asked Dillon.
"No, he's not," he said quietly. The comment Eren made wasn't made towards him, but he could still feel it's sting.
"That's something. Besides, if he's every being too hard on you, I'll just screw up again. I'm his favorite. He'll leave you right alone." Armin's voice was quite cheerful.
Eren was quick to remind him, "Actually, Sasha is his favorite. You're number 2, tops."
Would I have been like that? Realizing that he couldn't change the subject from Eren's problem with Mikasa, he decided to do something before he got involved in something that wasn't his business. "I need to go. We can talk later." Something was definitely wrong.
"Yeah, okay," Eren said absentmindedly. "Hey Armin, do you think you could show me how you did that navigation thing. I want to raise my grade in the classroom. The written stuff counts for something."
"Oh yeah, sure. It's actually pretty simple when you think about it..." Armin started to drone on about the subject.
Mikasa tuned them out as she watched Dillon. Like Armin, she had noticed something was up with him, but she couldn't put her finger on it. Making a decision, Mikasa got up a few seconds later, leaving Eren engrossed in his lesson with Armin as she followed Dillon out the mess hall.
As Dillon was about to descend the stairs, he turned around once the door opened and saw Mikasa, of all people, walking towards him. "Mikasa?"
She was wrapping the red scarf she always carried around her neck as she did, her face placid as usual. "You seem troubled."
"Eren upset you with his comments," he explained. "I noticed. I wanted to address it but meddling into something that doesn't involve me would've made things worse."
Mikasa nodded. "It is an old conversation."
He sighed. "Eren told me what happened in Shiganshina, how you both lost your mom."
She tightened one hand on the red scarf. "Yes. I had so few family left. Losing her was hard, but it was even harder on him."
"I can only imagine." He looked at her. "Does he know?"
Mikasa gave him a questioning look.
"That he's hurting you by pushing you away like that?"
The Asian glanced away for a moment. "I don't think he does."
"Mikasa, I don't have any brothers or sisters, so I don't have the same experiences you guys do... but the only thing I can say is that if you don't talk to him, he'll never know, and things won't change."
"He's not ready to change, to grow into that person yet. He's too full of his need to try and make it right."
"If he can't make things right with his own family, what chance does he have out there?" He froze, thinking he crossed the line. "Sorry."
Mikasa leaned up against the wall. "He's too much like his father. He looks to without for answers. I'm afraid he might never be ready to come home." She gave Dillon a pointed look. "I wanted to thank you though."
"For what?"
"That night he talked with you. That was the closest he's come to admitting why he's doing this to himself. To growing."
"...You were the one watching us that night, weren't you?" he realized.
Mikasa nodded. "You were fighting at first. I needed to be sure you wouldn't hurt him."
"I understand. I'd probably do the same thing." He looked at Mikasa sympathetically. "Deep down, Eren does love you. He talks about how much you hold him back, and sometimes, I can see that, but if you talked to him, I think he'd listen. Do whatever you think is best, okay?"
Mikasa hesitated a second before nodding. "I don't know what to do. I just know I need to keep him safe."
"You'll be able to do that better when he stops hurting you." He held out his hand. "So, you and I, are we good, Mikasa?"
Mikasa took his hand in hers. "I suppose we are. I still owe you, and I do not forget that."
"Thanks." With as much effort as he could, he gave her a smile before heading down the stairs. "See you later."
Mikasa didn't follow. She headed back up the stairs to the dining area. It was time to start repaying the favor.
Not many things could surprise Annie, but Mikasa coming to her table was one of them. She raised an eyebrow at her approach. "Can I help you with something?"
Mikasa stared Annie right in the eye. "I came to ask a favor."
Now, the blonde was intrigued. "You want me to help you with something?"
"I want you to help someone else with something," Mikasa deadpanned in their meeting of the deadpan.
"Does it have something to do with your brother-boyfriend?" she asked. "If it's about those lessons I'm giving him, get over it. He asked me to teach him."
Mikasa's eyes narrowed. "It's about Dillon."
"Is that so?" Annie asked, taking a sip of water. "Since when do you care about Dillon? Last I checked, you threw him into a wall when Eren was acting like a brat."
"I did. But I was able to see past that. You did not. Otherwise, you would have noticed."
"Noticed what?"
"Dillon is troubled. You are his closest friend here. You should talk to him."
Annie scoffed. "And why would I do that? If he has a problem, he can deal with it himself. Unlike you, I'm not some bodyguard who follows him around to make sure he doesn't stub his toe, and I don't plan on starting now."
"Whether you care or not is your business. I'm not here to fight you today." Mikasa left to go back to the table with Eren and Armin.
Annie began playing with her food as she thought about what Mikasa said. She wasn't stupid. She knew something was up with Dillon the moment he entered the mess hall. But why should she get involved? It wasn't affecting her. Then again, Dillon did make her birthday special, something that hadn't happened in years. He didn't want anything in return except to see her happy, and today, he was miserable. She tried telling herself that he would work it out himself. He didn't need her butting into something that wasn't her business. On the other hand, he'd probably try to help her if she was visibly having a bad day.
"Damn you, Dillon," she growled as she got up to leave.
It took a while for Dillon to find it, but after about 20 minutes of wandering the forest, he stumbled into a clearing with a tall, beautiful tree. She would've liked it very much. Maybe even try to climb it. He sighed, pulling out his boot knife and began carving into the tree. He sharpened earlier to make sure it would be good enough to do what he needed to do.
Annie lurked in the shadows for a while, as was her usual. She watched him carve, debating how best to approach him.
He pulled back, seeing the "E" he put in. He smiled a bit. "What do you think, Eve?"
Well, that was an opening if ever there was one. "You didn't tell me you had a girlfriend."
He gasped and turned around, knife at the ready. "Annie? What the hell are you doing here?"
Annie gave him a slight smirk. "Saw you leave. Your other girlfriend pointed it out."
His eyes narrowed as he lowered the knife. "She's not my girlfriend." Not even a blush or a stutter. Definitely not like Dillon.
Annie put her hands in her pockets and trudged over to him. "E for Eve?"
"Yeah."
"So, who is she?"
He looked away for a moment. Part of him wanted to send Annie away, but at the same time, he felt like getting it off his chest. "She's... my sister."
This day was full of surprises. "You never mentioned her before. You've only ever talked about your parents. You talk about them a lot."
He closed his eyes as the memories came back. "Because she's dead."
Annie stepped a bit closer. "I'm sorry." She even surprised herself by meaning it.
He sat against the tree trunk, fiddling with the knife. He didn't know what prompted him to talk about it. Something he wanted to get off his chest probably. "I was four when it happened. Mom told me I was going to be a big brother, and I was so excited."
Annie stood there, listening quietly.
He chuckled. "Mom got big enough so that when I hugged her stomach, it was like hugging my sister. I told her how much fun we were going to have, and I couldn't wait to see her. Sometimes, I could feel her kick, almost as if she was excited, too." His voice was beginning to shake. "I hope she heard me. I hope she knew how much I loved her."
Annie had a feeling she knew where this was going.
"The day came, and I went to the hospital. I stayed in the waiting room for hours, but I was restless. I was jumpy. I was excited. She was coming." Tears began to fall down his face. "Something went wrong, and... she was stillborn."
Annie bowed her head. She knew something like this could happen, but imagining how devastated Dillon and his parents were made it worse. "I'm sorry."
"I couldn't rationalize it. I couldn't figure out what went wrong," he went on. "I'll never forget what I asked Mom once I was able to talk about it." He hesitated, remembering that day like it was yesterday, like he did every single year. "Did I hug her too hard?"
Annie let out a sigh, edging closer to Dillon. "It doesn't work like that. Things happen in the body. The world is a cruel, uncaring place. And people? We're just the idiots who try and make sense of it. But it wasn't your fault."
"I know... but it's still hard. I miss Evelyn so much, and I wish I knew her." He brushed off his tears as he began getting up. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be bothering you with this."
"It's not a bother." That sounded like the right thing to say. It was what grieving people said to each other when she listened in on their conversations.
He sighed, putting away the knife. "I saw the way Eren treated Mikasa when she's trying to keep the only family she has left alive, and it was sickening that he couldn't see how he was hurting his own sister. I guess I started wondering if Evelyn was alive if she would think of me that way."
"Maybe. You'd probably be the protective type." Annie didn't see the point in what-ifs, but Dillon seemed to want to go down this road. "But not everyone is as thick as Eren."
"That's true." He stared at the engraving he made. "Every time this day comes, it hurts. I try to get it out of my system by talking to Evelyn alone, telling her all the things that have been happening. I make engravings in spots I think she would have liked. It helps sometimes."
"I get having that sort of day."
He looked at her in surprise. "Really?"
Annie blanched. She couldn't believe she let that slip. "Y-yeah."
Dillon noticed how uncomfortable she looked and backtracked. "Sorry. I won't pry if you don't want me to."
Annie didn't answer him at first. She just reached forward and traced the "E".
"Annie?"
Annie flinched at the sound, realizing she'd gotten lost in thought at just the wrong time. "Sorry."
"Did you lose someone, too?" He hesitated in asking, hoping that she wouldn't pummel him for that.
"Her name started with an 'E' too."
"A sister?"
"Mother. My mother. Emma Leonhart."
"It's a beautiful name," he said quietly. "Did you know her?"
She closed her eyes briefly, thinking back. "I did for a while. Long enough. She was my hero."
He couldn't help but smile a bit. He knew all about having a hero for a mother.
"She died six years ago."
"I'm sorry."
She didn't face him. "Me too."
"What was she like?" Dillon wondered.
"Grumpy, passionate, hopeful, optimistic, and determined. She was loyal. Even people who wanted to hate her loved her. Didn't stop her from looking for a fight wherever she could. But she never for a moment doubted her righteousness. I'm only one of those things."
"Which one?"
"Grumpy," Annie said, turning to him with a sad smile.
"You're also passionate and determined," he told her. "I could see it when you tried to kill me."
Annie gave a shrug. "I was just bored."
"I could see it in your eyes, Annie. There was passion when we fought and determination to beat me when I counterattacked."
Annie looked a bit more alive at that. "It was a fight then. I always do…" She trailed off. "So did mom."
"Now you have three things," he said.
Annie looked away for a moment. "I never… thank you."
Dillon had no idea what compelled him. Caught in the moment was the most likely answer. It was obvious that his sense of self-preservation was gone. Otherwise, he wouldn't have wrapped his arms around her, giving her a firm hug.
Annie stiffened at the contact, eyes widening. She was not used to this sort of contact at all. However, she began to relax just a bit, knowing that he cared enough to do this for her. "I have one guess what Eve might have been like."
"What?"
Annie wrapped her arms around him, surprising him. "One of the few people I'd have liked to have met."
He smiled softly, resting his on top of hers. Her hair felt nice but being able to find comfort in her felt far better. Wherever Evelyn was, he hoped she'd be happy knowing she had someone else that would've been a great friend to her.
A few days had passed since that moment, and Dillon was back to his usual self as if nothing happened. When asked by Jean about what was going on, he only told him it was a personal matter that he didn't want to talk about. While Jean dropped that subject, he did have a slight bone to pick with him.
"So, what the hell's going on with you and Eren?" he had asked.
"We came to an understanding," Dillon had answered. "Not exactly the best of buds, but it's a start."
Jean sighed. "And there goes my fun of watching you taking down that punk."
"Like or not, we're on the same team, but don't worry." He patted him on the shoulder. "He's all yours now."
"Very funny."
However, the one most affected by that day was Mikasa. She never stopped thinking about the things Dillon told her, the concerns he had. As usual, Mikasa followed Eren about for those few days while working through things in her own mind. Eventually, she didn't even consciously decide to speak up to Eren. The words just escaped her mouth one day while they were sweeping the armory together. "Eren." She swept the broom in even strokes.
"Yeah?" he asked without really paying attention.
"Do you find me so much a bother?"
That stopped him as he slowly faced her. "What?"
Perhaps that was too blunt. "Do I bother you?"
"Where the hell is this coming from?"
"Never mind," Mikasa said on reflex.
For a moment, the two stayed in an awkward silence, but Eren was the one to break it. "You treat me like a little kid, as if I can't do anything on my own."
"I'm just trying to keep you safe."
"By what? Constantly keeping me down?"
"Eren?" Mikasa looked aghast. "That's not what I'm trying to do. Ever."
"And yet, you do it," he growled, clenching his broomstick so hard, he thought it would break. "I get into a fight, you're always there to save the day. God forbid I actually take care of something myself."
"I don't doubt you, Eren. There's just so many things that can go wrong. One punch, one kick, one mistake, and someone could..." Perhaps she wasn't helping her case.
His eyes narrowed. "Well, you don't see me worrying about you. Perfect. Worth a hundred soldiers when you haven't even finished. You don't even have to try to be good at everything."
Mikasa clutched her broom to her chest, those comments hitting her hard. "That's not my fault."
"But you won't let me get better because you want to constantly be there to protect me from every, stupid thing," he raged.
"Eren, you've come so far along the way in your training," she assured, trying to placate him. "You've done that."
"And I could've gotten farther if you stopped pretending to be my mother, damn it!" he exclaimed, tossing the broom into the wall. "She's gone, okay? I don't need you to try and take her place!"
The silence between them was deafening, Eren's panting being the only thing that broke it. So much anger and resentment that had been built up these past few years. He really did view her that way. As for Mikasa, it was like getting shot in the chest. All her efforts to try to help Eren, to keep him safe, and he spat in her face.
Mikasa mumbled something under her breath, her hair obscuring her eyes.
"What?" he questioned. "Just spit it out already."
"I lost Carla, too!" Mikasa shouted as she tossed her broom aside, the words echoing in the empty armory and making him stagger back. It had been a long time since she let it out. While her voice got softer, her words had no less the impact. "She was my mother, too. My family. My mom and dad are gone. Carla is gone. You're all I have left."
Eren didn't understand how this happened. "Mikasa-."
"What if something happens to you, too?" she asked.
He desperately tried to salvage the situation. "Mikasa, nothing is going to-."
Eren only accomplished in raising her ire as Mikasa stalked towards him to the point they were nose to nose. "People said the Walls would keep the Titans out, but they didn't. Hannes said he was going to protect us, but he didn't, and he had all the training we're getting. My parents said they'd always be there for me, but they couldn't be because someone took them. Carla took me in as her daughter, she promised me the same thing my parents did, and I believed it that time to. Things happen." She just kept going, saying more words at one time than she'd shared with everyone combined over the past few days. "I've already had to grow up faster than I ever should have, and so have you. You want to so badly that you're taking risks with yourself, the last person I have left. I can't grieve for you too. I just can't."
Mikasa grabbed him by the collar so he could see her eyes. There was less anger and more grief contained in them that she never truly showed. "They tell us every day in training, 'you can't do everything on your own.' You just can't. You're a part of a team. We're a team. We were since the day you saved me. You gave me back this life and I'd do anything to keep it, Eren. You're all I have left." Tears were sliding down her face now as she began to break down like she did when they first met. "They're all gone."
Eren didn't know what to say in the face of all that. He never really took the time to consider how she was going through. Sure, he and his parents were there when she lost her parents, but after Shiganshina fell, and his mother died… how alone did he make her feel? He felt lower than he ever had in his entire life, and it was his fault. He couldn't take it anymore as he hugged Mikasa as tightly as he could. "I'm sorry, Mikasa," he whispered. "I'm so sorry."
"I have to keep you safe, Eren." Mikasa's hug was even tighter as sobs wracked her body. "That's why I have to keep getting better too."
"I just... damn it." They sunk to the ground. "I miss them so much."
"So do I."
"Those damn Titans. They all deserve to die," he snarled angrily as tears streamed down his face. "I want something back!" And there it was.
"Eren, revenge can't come at the cost of losing you. Not for me."
"Then what am I supposed to do? What's the point?"
"I can't tell you how to find your own peace with this."
"Peace?" he asked quietly. "I can't find it, Mikasa. It doesn't exist. I'll... I'll never be free."
Mikasa didn't say anything as they held each other. This wasn't something that could be fixed. Not for a long time, at least. They were too broken, too angry, to try and move on from the pain the Titans caused them. But, for once, they felt closer to each other than they ever had in a long time.
AN: Okay, there's a whole lot to talk about, so let's get to it.
First, I want to thank Necromancy101 for writing Mikasa, Annie (for the most part), Armin, and Eren (first half of the story). I couldn't have done this without your help. Now, let's talk about this chapter. Also, I completely forgot to credit him, but he also did Eren during Eren and Dillon's chat in Chapter 4.
Dillon having a stillborn sister was something that I've wanted to canonize for a long time. I just never knew how to properly bring her up. I once considered doing a one-shot, but after going through these edits, Necromancy gave me an opportunity, and we were both very surprised how it turned out. Roleplaying is its own art, and it shows when done right. Not to mention Annie having some common ground with Dillon and a way for them to get closer.
And while I'm glad that this scene finally happened, it pales in comparison to Eren and Mikasa. Arguably, my biggest problem with Attack on Titan, at least for Season 1, is that these two don't go through character development. Things happen to them, but Eren remains the same, and Mikasa remains the same. It also shows my problem with Eren, that he seems so focused on his own pain that he shuts everyone else's pain out.
I hope that we didn't make Eren and Mikasa too out of character and this was a more natural way to go about it. I'd love to know what you all think, so don't hold back.
