Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or 'This land is your land' and 'we shall not be moved' songs or the 'Romeo and Juliet' quote but I did modify them to fit the story. Also the Characters, Emily and Crystal, are based off my two friends. I also do not own the ninja turtles.
(I M P O R T A N T—READ THIS…) Just so everyone knows and so I don't get in trouble, a lot of plot ideas were inspired by my friend Emily (AnotherCrazedRedHead). She also gave me permission to use Francisco the pencil ('The Aftermath of Playing Monopolize.' ch.6) and Joshua/ Francine the squid ('Conversations with the Giant Squid'). This story is dedicated to Crystal (LuckyRandomHero) and Emily so therefore that is why they appear throughout the story. I also want to say that if you let it, this story can be a powerful, spiritual influence in your young life. I know this, because a friend after reading this story protested doing her morning, math warm ups by singing 'we shall not be moved' (and by stealing everyone's worksheets).
Chapter Two
(A/N: This is my star wars intro)
Five minutes earlier, in a hallway far, far away…
Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy of the Slytherin house have returned to talk to Severus's cookie, Jimmy. Having found his sock (Which he wore for two weeks straight during the summer and having not been washed since) in turmoil with dust bunnies and dirt monsters he quickly learns that his cookie has been kidnapped.
Jimmy-the-cookie is gone and Severus vows to go an epic journey to seek revenge on the one fool who dared to cause him such pain…James Potter.
…The war has begun.
* * *
They sat in another awkward silence. Peter was now humming…as well as picking his nose.
"Remus, I have a confession," James mumbled. "Can you not tell Sirius?"
"Sure thing, what is it?" Remus asked, not really caring.
James sighed. "I have mad-cooking skills, but I don't know how to cook a cookie."
"That's ok, James," Remus sighed annoyed again, "Not many people 'cook' their cookies!"
"Eureka!" Peter shouted, "I've got it!"
"Holy Flying Sloths!" James cried. "What is it Batman…sorry Peter—no wait—Wormtail? Let's do that again."
"Ok," Peter agreed. They fell silent until… "Eureka! I've got it!" Peter cried.
"Holy Flying Sloths!" James cried. "What is it Wormtail?"
"The girls might have a cook book because they're girls," Peter suggested.
"That's bloody brilliant! Why didn't I think of that since I am infinitely much smarter than you?" James cried. Peter shrugged.
"Yeah…But how do we even get into their dorms to even look for it?" Remus asked.
"Oh, don't worry, I'll do it," Peter volunteered, and with nothing else said he left on quick feet and frolicked up the girl's dormitory steps. Peter liked to frolic.
"How did he do that?" Remus asked. Peter left two of his friends in confusion.
"I don't know. I thought the steps had a spell that prevented boys from climbing them," James said.
"Maybe Peter is not telling us something," Remus suggested.
Peter returned when Remus said that. "WHAT! I tell you guys everything. Even about my Michael Jackson fetish."
"Dude, he's weird. He could be a child molester or something."
"NO HE'S NOT!" Peter cried again. "I LOVE HIM!"
"Yeah…anyways, how did you go up the girl's staircase?" James inquired.
"I've always been able to go up them…haven't you?" Peter asked.
"No, Peter. Gryffindor, himself, in all his glory, put a spell that prevents boys from going up them," James for once sounded Serious.
"…" There was an awkward silence.
"…Peter?" Remus asked.
"I got the book," Peter changed the subject by waving a hot pink book around in the air. "It's Lily's."
"Throw it here, Pete," James said excitedly. Peter tossed it but hit James on the side of the head.
"Sorry," Peter giggled and Remus chuckled.
Someone else began to giggle. The three boys turned to the portrait hole and saw Sirius with several bags full of food walk in with a large smile on his face and a sound similar to a hyena coming from his mouth.
"HAHAhehohe…Why did we stop laughing?" He asked.
"Because 'we' weren't laughing," James said. "I was moaning in pain from getting hit on the head with a cook book."
Sirius giggled.
"I'm serious, Sirius," James snapped.
"How can you be, I'm Sirius....HAHAHAHA!" Sirius dropped the bags and slapped his knee. "Ah-ha, I'm so hilarious!" (1)
"Can you for one moment stop using that overused pun from the fan fiction we write about ourselves?" James cried.
"Sure thing," Sirius chuckled a little before kneeling beside his group. He began to assemble the food.
"Wait…you guys write…fan fiction about yourself?" Remus asked a bit disturbed.
"Yeah, all the time," James looked at Remus and shrugged.
"What do you write about?" He asked.
"Oh, anything, Like that time last year when we helped Potty-train Peter, or how me and Lily will fall in love or what our future son, Harry ,will be like—" James started to list off their plot stories.
"Wait…Peter's not potty-trained. He's still in diapers," Remus corrected.
Peter nodded.
"—and what's this about you having a son named 'Harry'?" Remus asked, clearly confused.
James and Sirius shared a look and shrugged.
"That's why it's called fan FICTION," James explained.
"Ok…uhh?" Remus shook his head. "Uhh…You know, that actually sounds like fun."
"Glad you agree, but let's get down to business." James picked up the book and red the cover. "Notre Passion Secrète by Trixie Mouse…I know that name," James said excitedly. "Sirius, remember her from that French porn—that really cool muggle movie you brought to my house?"
"Which one?" Sirius asked. He leaned over and read the author's name and blushed. He grabbed the book ("Hey," James cried.) and flipped through the chapters he read a few line and blushed deeper. "Uh…" he stood up and dropped the book to the floor, "…I got to go."
Sirius ran from the room again.
"What's his problem?" Remus asked.
James shrugged and picked the book up. "Forget about him for now. We have to focus on what's 'really' important….making these cookies."
"You're exactly right," Peter agreed.
"But what about Sirius? I think something's wrong," Remus said worriedly.
"Nope, not important," James said. ("It's his period," Peter mumbled again.) He read the page Sirius dropped the book on. "Wait a tick, this looks promising, Peter read this aloud."
Peter looked at the book and frowned. "I don't understand this."
Remus leaned over Peter's shoulder. "It's French. James, do you understand this?"
James frowned "Yes." ('Holy crap!' he thought, 'that was in French. I thought that was English.') "Yes I can," He lied for some reason.
"Oh…cool," Remus shrugged. "'I can read and speak Latin, Spanish, Italian, Portuguese, German, polish, and Russian, Chinese, Cherokee, Dutch, Gaelic, Finish, Arabic, Mesopotamian, Old English and I even dabble in Japanese but I never learned French."
"Really," James mumbled but he didn't really care. "Start reading Peter."
"J'ouvres la porte et je le vois. Il se couvre dans la peinture rouge (2)," Peter stumbled over words in a horrible English accent.
James searched through the food items Sirius brought up and found a turkey, can of yams, ("I love yams," Peter said) sprinkles, grease, hot fudge, marshmallows, eggs, cookie dough, cherries, carrots, hamburger buns, sausages, and pudding. James smiled. 'Lily is going to love this.'
Not bothering to sanitize his hands, he grabbed a pan and kneeled by the common room fire.
"James I think you need grease," Remus suggested.
"HEY, who here is the French linguist? Not you, I think I know what I am doing," James lied but he took the grease anyway and drowned the cookie dough in it than poured the dough onto the pan and held it over the fire.
"JAMES WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Remus cried, disgusted.
"Cooking, what else could I possibly be doing?" James asked.
"You just poured an entire bottle of grease into the dough! That's disgusting!" Remus cried.
"I don't know…" Peter said, "I think it looks good."
"You would, Peter," Remus wrinkled his nose
"Remus, you know the truth about me and my cooking problem—"
"I hardly call 'that' a problem," Remus muttered.
"So I'm just following the instructions Peter reads to me," James lied again, "And he said I needed grease."
"'Grease is the word. It's got groove. It's got meaning. Grease is the time, is the place, is the motion. Grease is the way we are feeling,'" Peter broke out into song.
"Peter, stop singing that song. You've seen that movie way too many times and plus this is serious. James just ruined the cookies," Remus cried.
"No I didn't—"
"I love that movie, Grease, its great, especially when John Travolta is wearing those tight leather pants and dancing around the car…" Peter said
"That's enough, Peter."
"Shut up and take a chill pill Remus," James said. "I love Grease; also, its number five on my list, John Travolta is four. He's right after Lily."
"You love him, too!?" Peter cried excitedly. "I finally found someone to talk with about him. I loved him in Saturday Night Fever and whenever he's doing that 'thing' he does. I love it when he does it, especially with all the 'stuff' going on and he's just there doing it, like it's no big deal."
"What 'thing'?" Remus asked. He was now beyond stressed with his friends.
"Yeah, that 'thing' he does. He does it great, no one can pull off that 'thing' like he can…except for me, of course," James said confidently.
"What thing?" Remus asked.
"You can do it also, I wish I could do it," Peter whined.
"Don't fret, not everyone is as gifted as us super-beings," James replied. "That's why when I grow up I want to be John Travolta… or a bus driver, they can do it, too"
"Far out, I want to be a bus driver, too," Peter said.
"Groovy, we'll be bus drivers together," James suggested.
"Dy-no-mite!" Peter cried.
"Why all of the sudden have we just started talking in 70's slang when the most part we've been using slang that isn't going to come out for what? Another 30 years?" Remus asked.
"What you talkin' 'bout, Remus?" Peter asked.
"I don't know, anymore," Remus mumbled as he rubbed his temples, "Forget I said anything."
"Easily done, my man," James said turning back to the pan he was still holding. He took a big sniff and smiled. "This smells heavenly."
Remus made a face. The cookies smelled like burning grease.
"I agree," Peter conquered. He looked back into the book and began to read again, "l'homme lèche sa pomme et frotte ses petits pains de cinnamon (3)."
Ignoring the cognate to cinnamon that Peter pronounced horribly wrong, James put the pan down and picked up the turkey. He began, with his fingers, to rip the poultry into smaller pieces.
"Remus, give me a spoon," James said.
Remus sighed and did as he was told. There was no point in arguing.
James began to stir the bits of turkey into the dough before it coagulated too quickly.
"Remus, chop the carrots up," James said again.
"Urggh…" Remus moaned but grabbed the knife anyway and began to chop the carrots. He hoped to avoid another pointless argument with his friends. James on the other hand grabbed a handful of chocolate chips and sprinkled them into his pan.
"That 'smell'…" a voice said. "It smells like the locker-room after a quidditch meet…I like it." The trio turned around to again see Sirius but he wasn't bubbly like he usually was but instead they could see tear stains.
"Sirius, what's wrong?" James asked.
"I don't want to talk about it," Sirius snapped.
"Ok—" James said
"OK! I'LL TELL YOU BUT WILL YOU PLEASE JUST GET OFF MY BACK! The STAIRCASE MOVED AS I WAS CLIMBING THEM AND I FELL DOWN, OK!"
"Why'd it change? Were you taunting it?" James asked.
"NO I WAS NOT TAUNTING THE DAMN STAIRCASE. And next I …I TRIPPED! I BLOODY WELL TRIPPED OVER THAT CREEPY CAT GIRL, Emma or something…Emily," Sirius cried.
"Did she fall down the steps, too?" Remus asked.
"No, she and Lily are camping outside the commons room with half the house with them. I think they're like protesting or something because we kicked them out of the common room."
"My Lily is a rebel? That is so hot," James sighed dreamily. "Man, I love her…almost as much as I love cookies.
"That's great, James," Sirius sighed. He sat down next to Remus and James turned back to Peter.
"Continue, Pete," James said.
Sirius frowned and asked distastefully, "So you're still reading that book?"
"Yeah, its got an excellent recipe, the cookie-thing smells good," Peter took big whiff of Jame's cookie creation.
"A happy accident," Sirius muttered. He glared at the book and felt his cheeks blush.
"Hey, Sirius?" James inquired, "Why did you leave?"
Sirius blushed deeper and rubbed his hands against his thighs. "None of your business," he mumbled.
James was going to ask more but Remus, sensing Sirius's discomfort, intervened. Instead he gave Peter the o.k. to continue reading.
" 'Je mange de petits garcons pour le petit déjeuner!' Jill dit (4)," Peter read the next line.
James searched through the food pile and found the carrots Remus had been chopping and poured them into the pan as he pretended to know what he was doing, "Keep reading, Peter."
"Hey, this parts in English," Peter cried. "It says 'The dead chicken crawls along the seashells'…What?"
"Is it just me or does that not sound like instructions to making a cookie?" Remus asked himself
("Just you," Peter mumbled and Sirius, who was chilling close by, shook his head.)
"I don't have any seashells but I do have a dead chicken," James said.
"Well, go get it," Peter said.
"I love that part," A voice whispered. The Marauders looked towards the voice and saw Lily step out of the shadows.
"Jumping Jehovah witnesses," James cried, "Where the heck did you come from?"
"The shadows…" Lily whispered. The shadows on her face made her look like a vampire. She stared intensely and unblinkingly at James for about a minute before whipping her head to Sirius who flinched. "I see you're finally sharing your books with your friends."
Sirius shook his head. "Lily, no…"
"I love Notre Passion Secrète. It was written by a porn star but it's still really good once you get passed the 100 pages or so with sex. Sirius, do you think maybe they would like to join our book group," Lily said excitedly.
"Lily, shut up," Sirius snapped.
"What book group?" James asked in a quietly.
"Sirius's and my midnight book group. It's strictly romance and fluff novels but unfortunately Sirius and I are the only people who read them."
James got uncharacteristically quiet.
"Now look what you've done, you-Pandora woman," Sirius cried in fear, "You've unleashed every horror and sorrow in the world!"
"What are you talking about?" Lily asked. She reached out to touch Sirius's forehead. "Are you feeling ok or have you been smoking something, again?"
"No, Lily…look," Sirius whispered. He pointed to James and Lily followed in his direction.
"What's wrong with the idiot," Lily asked nonchalantly.
James had gone unearthly still and was staring unblinkingly at Sirius's shoe. His face was growing redder and steam was flowing from his ear.
"Oh my—"
Sirius snapped his fingers and Raphael and Donatello appeared at Lily's side again. "Boys," Take her and the rest of the house to safety…this time someplace further than just outside the portrait whole."
"Sure thing boss," The two cried in unison. Once again they picked Lily up and carried her from the room.
"You've done it again," Remus said referring to the flushing Potter. He and Peter moved to stand behind Sirius in fear of James exploding.
"James looks like a traffic light," Peter whispered.
"Shhh…" Sirius hushed. James suddenly blinked. He moved his intense gaze to the trio cowering in fear of him. "Don't—move—maybe—he—doesn't—see—us."
"Sirius," James whispered in a lethal tone, "You were my best friend, but today it has been revealed to me that on more than one level you've betrayed me."
"James, what did I do?" Sirius barely breathed. "If it's about the book group with Lily, it's purely innocent! She doesn't even like me as a human being—"
"WHAT DID YOU DO! YOU HAVE ANOTHER GANG, DON"T YOU?" He raged, not even hearing his friend's comment on Lily. "YOU'VE BETRAYED THE MARAUDERS!"
"No-no," Sirius cried.
"YES YOU DO! RAPHEL, DONATELLO, MICHELANGELO, LEONARDO…WHO ARE THEY? I'VE NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE TODAY! THEY'RE YOUR NEW GANG, AREN'T THEY?"
"No, they…they—"
"YOU"RE USING THEM TO BETRAY THE MARUADERS AND GET MY LILY, YOU JERK. MIDNIGHT BOOKSESSIONS MY ARSE! YOU AND LILY DO STUFF AT NIGHT DON"T YOU?"
"No, we—"
"YES YOU DO!"
"No, we—"
"I'm going to turn around and finish my cookie and when I turn back you better be gone," James said. "From this day on you are now…banished."
If possible the room got even quieter.
"NOOOoooo!" Sirius cried, "Please, anything but that. I love it in the marauders. I want to help. I'm sorry I—"
James had already turned around and hunched himself over his cookie.
Remus grabbed Sirius's shoulder and led him from the common room. Peter followed. Outside the group could see the four 7th years trying and failing to move the students.
"Let him cool off, first, before talking to him," Remus said. "You know how he is. How many times have you been banished from the marauders and then let back in? 26 times, including this?"
"Yeah, that sounds about right," Peter agreed.
"Yeah, you're exactly right," Sirius's mood changed and he instantly became excited. "Let's get something to eat."
"Sirius, wait," Remus was quiet for a moment, "You don't really have a new gang, do you?"
"No…well kind of. You see, they call themselves the 'Ninja Turtles' even though they're not turtles…or know any cool ninja moves, but they worship me like their god," Sirius explained. "James really needs to stop exploding every time he remembers that they worship me and not him."
"Wait, you mean James already knew about them?" Remus asked. Sirius nodded. "And he still banished you?"
"Yeah, actually 15 of the 26 times were because he was jealous of the Ninja Turtles," Sirius said. "I can't help it if that 'thing' John Travolta does, works better with me than with James."
"You can do the 'thing', too?" Peter cried, "Wow. I have talented friends…except for you, Remus."
"What is the 'thing'!? It's killing me, what is it?" Remus exploded.
"He so doesn't have it," Sirius whispered to Peter, staring at Remus with eyes full of pity. "He's soooo not gellin'."
"What? Guys come on tell me. I'm gelling. I'm gelling like felon, let's go to the kitchen and get some mellon and than Talk to Ellen and Helen."
"Remus, stop that that yellin' cause you aint GELLIN'," Sirius said.
"Look I just want to know what the 'thing' is," Remus sighed.
"You know…the thing. I can't explain it, it just is," Sirius shrugged. "You either have it or you don't, and you Moony, do not have it."
"How can I possibly have it if I don't even know what it is?" Remus cried.
A/N:
(1)Sorry, I just had to use this pun, it's become too much of a class for me not to have used it.)
FRENCH TRANSLATIONS!!! (I'm on only in French 2 so I could have mistakes.)
2- I open the door and I see him. He covers himself in red paint.
3- The man licks her apple and rubs her cinnamon buns.
4- 'I eat little boys for breakfast!' Jill says.
