Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or 'This land is your land' and 'we shall not be moved' songs or the 'Romeo and Juliet' quote but I did modify them to fit the story. Also the Characters, Emily and Crystal, are based off my two friends. I also do not own the ninja turtles.
(I M P O R T A N T—READ THIS…) Just so everyone knows and so I don't get in trouble, a lot of plot ideas were inspired by my friend Emily (AnotherCrazedRedHead). She also gave me permission to use Francisco the pencil ('The Aftermath of Playing Monopolize.' ch.6) and Joshua/ Francine the squid ('Conversations with the Giant Squid'). This story is dedicated to Crystal (LuckyRandomHero) and Emily so therefore that is why they appear throughout the story. I also want to say that if you let it, this story can be a powerful, spiritual influence in your young life. I know this, because a friend after reading this story protested doing her morning, math warm ups by singing 'we shall not be moved' (and by stealing everyone's worksheets).
Chapter 3
Severus and Lucius walked stealthily down the hall. After getting lost a few times they finally managed to find their way to the Gryffindor tower. Suddenly Severus jumped behind Lucius.
"Protect me!" he whined.
"Get off me you freak!" Lucius cried. He was worried Severus might knock his rubber ducky out of his back pocket. When the two Slytherins had found Severus's sock devoid of 'Jimmy' the cookie Lucius was relieved to find that his ducky had not suffered the same fate. "Get a hold of yourself; you're acting like a Hufflepuff."
The two continued and as they became closer to their destination they came across more windows. Severus flinched as the sunlight touched his skin. He hadn't seen sunlight in two weeks and it burned his skin.
"Lucius, hide me," he whined again. He grabbed hold of his friend and tried to use him as a shield against the windows.
"Stop," Lucius cried. "You're going to make me tan funny."
Severus didn't listen but kept his strong grip Lucius. They had become even closer to the tower when the next horror struck the two…
Singing
Or at least they thought it was. The mass collaboration of off key, out of tune voices could hardly be called singing.
"This common room is your common room, this common room is my common room, From the big fireplace, to the big comfy couch, From the boy' dormitory, to the girls' staircase, This common room was made for you and me," The voices sang.
"Oh my god!" Lucius murmured. "I think…I think someone's dieing! We should do what we Slytherins do best…run away!"
"I can't, I'm too scared," Severus murmured.
Lucius peaked around the corner and saw what looked like the entire congregation of Gryffindor and a few Hufflepuffs sitting in from of a painting of a big fat lady. They were all still singing and he could see that the loudest and possibly the leader was Lily Evans. A few of the younger kids were holding picket signs that said 'STOP THE NINJA TURTLES' and 'WE WANT IN'.
"Let's change the song!" Lily screamed. The group of kids went silent. "WE SHALL NOT BE MOVED!"
"We shall not, we shall not be moved, the union is behind us, we shall not be moved. We're fighting for our freedom, we shall not be moved, We're fighting for our children, We shall not be moved," The group sang again
"Make them stop," Severus whined. He had now let go of Lucius and was hugging his head. "My ears!"
"Don't you want Jimmy back?" Lucius asked. "We have to teach those gryffin-losers not to mess with us. But they're not going to learn that if you let that kleptomaniac, Potter, get away with stealing," Lucius said.
"You're right, I bet Potter ate Jimmy, too…I'll kill him," Severus hissed, his fait resolved.
"I wouldn't be surprised, he's always eating," Lucius said off-handedly.
"Let's go," Severus said. He pulled Lucius with him toward the students. They walked confidently over to the group who had quieted their singing at the sight of the two Slytherins.
"What do you want?" Lily hissed. Behind her Sirius, Remus, Peter, and the Ninja Turtles stood defiantly with their arms crossed.
"Thou art angry. Your torrent rage need not be directed towards thyselves. We came with thy mission to slay thy thief who dare steal Jimmy," Severus recited.
Lucius along with every student raised their eyebrows. Lily looked confused and her angry stance dropped. "What?" she asked
"Severus," Lucius elbowed him, "Knock it off, you're embarrassing us."
"My dear friend, folly this may seem, but thy love for Jimmy reveals to be too strong, for thee to resist," Severus continued. "I love thy Jimmy."
"Who's Jimmy?" Lily asked.
"Jimmy is his cookie," Lucius explained. "He talks to it."
"I am nothing without Jimmy," Severus cried
Lily's face softened. She could sympathize with Severus. "I understand your passion," She said sweetly, "I had a friend who talked to his pencil, Francisco, but one day he sharpened it too much. It was tragic, but he had to learn it was just a pencil. Severus you'll see this through, it was just a cookie."
"'Tis but thy name that is your cookie; your cookie art your cookie though, not Jimmy. What's a cookie? It is nor hand, nor foot, nor arm, nor face, nor any other part Belonging to a man. O! Be some other Jimmy: What's in a cookie? That which we call a dead animal by any other name would smell as gross; So Severus would, were he not Severus call'd, Retain that imperfection which he owes without that title. Jimmy, doff thy name; And for that name, which is no part of thee, Take all yourself," Remus spontaneously cried from behind Lily misquoting Shakespeare by a long shot. She turned and stared at him confused.
"What?" She asked confused again.
"This is ridiculous," Lucius muttered. He pulled out his wand and grabbed Lily around the neck and pressed his wand to her temple. "Let's get down to business. We need to speak to Potter!"
Unknown to him, while this scene was happening, Peter had crept behind him. Breathing huskily, yet for some reason he went unnoticed, he reached his hand and behind Lucius and felt 'it'. 'It' was smooth and hard. Peter giggled but froze when Lucius shuttered. He almost retracted his hand but he wanted 'it' so badly.
'Screw it, Peter, take 'it',' Peter's inner voice cried. Peter giggled but did as he was told. He crept back behind his friends and Lucius was none the wiser that his rubber ducky was stolen.
"Let me go!" Lily cried. She began to make dieing duck noises. Her sidekick, Emily, hissed and scratched at Lucius's ankles.
"What the fu—" Severus cried. "Where did she come from?"
"I don't know but get her off of me," Lucius cried.
"No!" Lily stopped making noises to cry out. "Where's Crystal?"
"Who?" Lucius asked. He jabbed his wand further into Lily's temple.
Severus tried to get control over Emily but was too worried that the random slobber from her mouth when she hissed would land on him. Amazingly with all the many students in the hall it was only now that they decided to act.
Sirius pulled out his wand and Remus pushed Peter into a corner so he wouldn't get hurt. The random Hufflepuffs ran off back to their common room and the rest of Gryffindors pulled out their wands to attack but before they could inflict any harm four figures blocked their way…the Ninja Turtles.
The Ninja Turtles walked forward and stood separating the Gryffindors from the two Slytherins.
"I don't think so, punks," Raphael whispered. "We're done taking crap-orders from you, Black! Lucius, our new leader, actually lets us kill people. How many people have you let us kill…none."
"What the fu—KILL PEOPLE?" Sirius gasped. "…If that's all you want you could've just asked."
"SIRIUS!" Lily screeched from her awkward position. "I will not tolerate violence."
"Tolerate this, loser," Michelangelo cried. They pulled out their wands and began to cast spells left and right at anyone in Gryffindor robes. Lucius smiled while Lily whimpered. Severus also smiled for a moment until Emily bit him.
Sirius whimpered in betrayal, 'his' Ninja Turtles had betrayed him. He couldn't move but only watch. He imagined this 'battle' to be in black and white and silent like a dramatic movie (he also imagined everyone wearing cowboy hats but that's another story).
It was only a matter of seconds before every Gryffindor had been defeated. He watched in pain as Leonardo moved his wand onto him.
"Et tu, Leonardo," Sirius said remembering the famous last words of Caesar. He closed his eyes waiting for his end but it never came.
A hand came out of nowhere and karate chopped Leonardo's arm before any harm could be done. The person then gave a battle cry (not unlike…XENA the WARRIOR PRINCESS) and began to use their extra cool kung-fu moves to defeat the Ninja Turtles. Sirius opened his eyes and blinked, his savior was…
"A chick!?" He cried. "My life was saved by a chick."
"This chick has a name and it's Crystal, and I just saved you from the Ninja Turtles," The girl, Crystal, said. Crystal looked nothing like Emily despite them being sisters and fair skin and short, light brown hair.
"Who? Are you new because I've never seen you before," Remus asked as he limped over. He was dirtier than usual and holding his stomach where Raphael had tripped over him earlier in the fight. Peter followed him holding Lucius's ducky.
"Are you kidding me? I've been in your house since forever," Crystal said. "You know me: Lily's only friend, Emily's older sister, does that ring a bell? I'm in your year and house."
"No not familiar," Remus said.
Sirius shuffled passed the girl and looked at his once followers, the Ninja Turtles. "I can't believe they turned on me to help a dirty Slytherin," He said. "Why Lucius of all people? Why now?"
He kicked Lucius's shoe where he lay unconscious on the floor where crystal had had thrown him.
"Sirius, sometimes evil can't be avoided it strikes you where you least expect it…and sometimes below the belt, but that's why it's evil," Remus said, "And plus the Ninja Turtles were green, and green equals Slytherin, and that, my friend, automatically equals evil."
Crystal walked over to Lily and Emily and helped them up.
"Are you ok, Lily?" She asked.
"Just fine," Lily rubbed her neck. "I think Lucius pinched my butt, though."
"Oh…that's all?" Crystal asked incredulous. "I broke a nail for you and all he did was cop a feel?"
"Girlfriend, please," Lily snapped her fingers. "Just keep it real."
"Homey, don't play that shit," Crystal replied.
"You need some toilet paper for your mouth, because you're talking shit!" Lily said.
Emily stood off to side while Lily and Crystal trash-talked each other, Remus and Sirius talked about 'evil', and Peter who was licking a yellow bathroom ducky. Most of the Gryffindors were awaking from the attack but she had to wonder…
"Where's Snape?"
* * *
James had been kneeling before the fireplace in a panic. He had made a mess of the food and had forgotten to cut the cookie into smaller pieces. So instead having a perfected cookie, he was left with a large, colorful lump that was glued to the pan.
As he attempted to scrape his 'creation' off the pan he broke chunks off. He couldn't help it, his colorful cookie looked so 'delicious' and he hadn't eaten since earlier that day. He popped a burnt end into his mouth. He couldn't taste much but it did have a rubbery texture that he found interesting.
He had been completely unaware of the battle scene just outside. Beside him he left Lily/Sirius's romance novel just to smell it. If used his imagination he could almost seem to smell her.
"Lily," He mumbled dreamily.
"What about Jimmy?" A voice whispered in his ear.
James's eyes snapped open and he let out a scream. He turned around and saw Severus Snape leaning over his shoulder and screamed even louder. Snape screamed, too, and then tripped over the blender's wire.
James stopped screaming. "WTF, dude?"
Severus moaned, he had taken a face-first fall into the floor and his legs were still tangled in the blender's unplugged, useless wires.
"Wh…where's Jimmy?" He moaned.
"Who's Jimmy, Your Boyfriend?" James asked, irritated. "And what are you doing in here?"
"He's not my boyfriend, he's my cookie and my best friend," Severus defended. "And I'm not gay!"
"Right," James said skeptically.
"No, really I'm not," Severus defended.
"No, no, I believe you," James lied and obviously so, but Severus didn't catch on.
"Ok…my cookie, where is it?" Severus asked.
"I have not remote idea what you are talking about," James explained. "I never touched any of your cookies."
"Well durr, you didn't take it straight from me, you took it from my secret hiding spot," Severus cried. He finally untangled himself and stood up to meet James's blank stare.
"I never took any cookies, ok," James, however, 'failed to mention the 'oh-so-delicious-chocolate-chip-circle-of-heaven' (which he took to calling it in his head) that Peter gave him.
"It was in my sock!" Severus snapped.
"Eww!" James cried. "Then, I definitely didn't eat it! That's disgusting. Slytherin feet, YUCK! Don't make me puke. You're sick; you're a sick man, putting cookies in your dirty, sweaty, nasty sock. I hope you aren't planning on eating that. Gross!" James ranted. "Just sick…sick."
"Oh…So you didn't eat it," Severus asked, dumbly.
James shook his head feverishly. "Positive, I wouldn't put anything as gross as that in my mouth." He talked just as he swallowed another burnt end of the cookie.
"Oh…ok, its all cool between us…You know, I just wanted to ask, its no big deal," Severus rambled, his personality doing a complete 180 from suspicious to casual.
"Yeah, yeah, get lost, cookie-feet," James snapped. "I need my alone-time, I just created art."
"Oh…cool," Severus said. "Well, I'm gonna go now—"
"Cooking is my passion, especially when I'm cooking for my passionate lover, Lily. It runs through my veins and haunts me in my sleep if I go too long without letting it out in something such as a cookie. My passion cannot be expressed with words, but only in yeast, flour, and sugar. 350 degrees bakes my love into these ingredients with yeast so soft, like snow not unlike my Lily's skin, and with her lips so red and her breasts so (ahem)…And then hunger and devastation strikes…pain and sorrow baked…I only see red…ultimately failing, my love ignored…and I fear it will be the death of me "
"That's nice…WAIT! What?" Severus asked suddenly angry. "Lily can't be your passionate lover. She's my girlfriend!"
"What?" James cried. He had a sudden murderous glint in his eyes. "Say that again!" He snapped ferociously.
Severus chuckled hesitantly, "I was just joking. I wanted to complicate the plot a little."
"GET OUT!" James cried. He waved his hand, which held his cookie, around. Severus saw it and suddenly a brilliant idea struck him.
He stared at James with the plan forming in his head. "I'll leave but… but only if you give me that cookie." He pointed to the 'mess' in James's hands.
James looked at him confused. "My cookie, the cookie I made for my love?"
Severus nodded.
"Heck no I won't give it to you, gosh!" James cried. "Now get lost!"
The two faced each other when the portrait door snapped open.
"JAMES! I LOVE YOU! I'M SORRY I BETRAYED YOU AND THE MARAUDERS! PLEASE LET ME COMEBACK! PLEASE!" Sirius cried as he ran in. He was followed by Remus and Peter.
"We tried to stop him…" Remus cried.
James let his eyes fall from Severus to his best friend.
"I'm sorry. You were right, I was wrong…you were smart, I was dumb. You're handsome, I'm ugly—"
"Alright…now that you've come to your senses, I forgive you…but what about the ninja turtles?" he asked bitterly.
"They're history, they got beat up by Crystal," Sirius explained.
"Who?" James asked.
"That girl, who's always with Lily," Sirius elaborated.
"Isn't that Emily?"
"Yeah, her too, but the other one…with the short brown hair."
James shrugged. "I never heard of such a person. I know for a fact Lily has no friends."
Remus shook his. "Did you come to this conclusion by yourself?"
"Yeah," James said. "It's not like you guys ever helped me spy on her passed third year."
"Good times," Sirius mumbled with a lusty look in his eyes.
James didn't hear him speak as he was still staring at Remus.
"Lily has friends. What about Crystal? Or Alice? Or Emily…kind of," Remus rambled realizing that was end of the list. "See she has three friends."
James snorted. "Believe what you want Remus." James stopped conversing with his friends and was about to say a witty remark to Severus when the Slytherin reached his pale hand out and grabbed James's cookie.
With cookie in hand and letting out a noise a cross between a snicker and giggle, Severus ran out of the commons room. He stuffed the cookie in his butt-pocket and grabbed the unconscious Lucius's ankle. With all his strength, he attempted to drag the blond boy down to the dungeons.
James followed by his friends ran out and watched Severus as he tried to do his deed.
James jumped from side to side, frantically. "Oh no. Somebody stop him he has my cookie!" He squealed.
"This is bad," Sirius mumbled. The two boys shared frantic looks than turned back to the greasy haired boy who still had not managed to drag his unconscious friend out of their sight.
"Remus, do something," Sirius cried.
"Why should I?" Remus snapped. "Why don't you, he's only standing five feet away from us, and plus, its James's cookie, he should retrieve it."
"But Remus…" James whined, "My cookie." He pointed childishly to Severus who was still trying to drag Lucious away. "Someone's got to save it."
"What cookie?" A female voice asked.
The four marauders turned and saw Lily accompanied by Emily and Crystal. She was dusting herself off not even realizing that for once James' attention was not on her, but instead on Crystal.
"Who are you?" He asked.
"Oh brother…not again" Crystal moaned.
"It's Crystal," Sirius introduced as though the two of them were best friends. Crystal in turn only shook her head. (At this motion, Remus found a Kindred spirit in Crystal.)
"So she does exist…" James mumbled to himself.
"Meow?" Emily asked. She crawled to James and licked his shoe than rubbed her head against his ankle. James's eyes went wide as he nearly tripped trying to get away from her.
"That means she likes you," Lily said as she petted Emily's head.
("Aww," Crystal sighed.)
After Lily spoke, both Peter and Sirius shared a look and jumped at James. Peter licked and chewed on James shoes and pants' hem while Sirius rubbed his head against James's leg, working his way up to James's thigh.
("Aww," Crystal sighed, "Young love.")
"Ahhhh!" James squealed and kicked his friends off. He gave a rushed glance towards the two Slytherins and moaned in depressed pain when he saw Severus turn the corner (Finally).
Remus was the only other student to notice what caused James gaze and shrugged his shoulders. "Better luck next time."
James moaned. "But I worked so hard on it."
"Hard on what…a cookie? What's going on?" Lily asked. She, for once, actually felt sorry for the raven-haired boy. James had such a pathetic expression on his face that she almost forgot what an obnoxious jerk he could be.
"Lily, don't encourage him," Remus whispered to the redhead. "It will only make him do more stupid things."
Sirius looked to his friend and sighed. He couldn't even imagine what James was feeling. Having known James worked all day on the cookie only to have it stolen by a dirty Slytherin must be painful.
"James we can make another cookie…" Sirius offered.
"Yeah, and this time we'll make it edible," Remus said.
"No, that was the perfect cookie," James whispered and stood up. "I baked it with all my love." He didn't turn around to his friends as ran back into the commons room, up to the boys' dormitory and grabbed his broomstick. He jumped out the window and flew towards the Hogwarts's lake.
"Poor guy," Crystal mumbled as she helped her sister stand.
"Yeah," Lily whispered. 'I baked it with all my love' wouldn't leave her mind. She knew it was a candid moment when James said it and for once she felt a tug at her heartstring. Being the unofficial ice queen of the school, she was surprised to feel her ice thaw…and by James no less. "I'm gonna go for a walk."
A/N: Just like to reiterate I own nothing, and sorry if my original characters are annoying. They're based off my friends and this started off as a crackfic for them.
