AN: My apologies for the shortness of this chapter, but I hope you all find it entertaining nonetheless.
Chapter 46: A Flawed Blacksmith
Dillon would've been content holding Annie for as long as possible, but the doctors, his commanding officers, and, of course, Annie herself, prevented him from doing so. Sure, he was healing, though it wasn't enough to earn him a pass outside of the infirmary save for these mental sessions. Once again, the Psion found himself alone as he stared at the ceiling his mind racing from what he saw, what he experienced. It was no wonder how Annie ended up the girl she was now. To have that on her conscience was unthinkable, yet she had it. There was nothing he could do to make that pain go away. For now, at least, he was useless.
He didn't realize he fell asleep until his eyes opened. He was laying atop of soft grass in front of a rather large lake. For a moment, he thought he was near that lake he ran to after regaining consciousness from his father's assaults. However, the lake was much wider and trees were framed all around him. Either this was a very vivid dream, or he was back in Ymir's world. For all he knew, both were true. What surprised him was how the grass felt. Gone was the softness of that perfect area he was in before. This felt more real, the blades prickling his skin.
Instinct told him he wasn't alone. He looked left and saw the First Titan herself sitting against a thick, sturdy tree, seemingly not noticing him. Her eyes were closed as if sleeping or in a trance. He wondered, even in this state of being, if she could dream. If so, what would she dream about? What that was, Dillon didn't know, but he had a feeling it had something to do with the place they were in.
"Or you could ask me myself instead of formulating your own theories." Ymir's eyes opened as they drifted down to him sternly. "Staring at a woman like that is bound to get you into trouble in the real world."
Dillon's face turned red as he turned around sharply. Why couldn't he get a normal Titan instead of one who didn't understand the concept of clothes? And what kind of world was he living in where "normal Titan" was actually a thing? He briefly contemplated jumping into the lake to put himself out of his misery.
Unfortunately, a hand wrapping around him foiled his plans. "Now, now, there's no need to drown yourself on my account. I was just having some fun with you." She turned him back around so he could see her amused expression.
Dillon let out a frustrated sigh and tried to focus on something else, anything else. Fortunately, Ymir gave him an opening. "You can read my thoughts in here?"
"Well, I am taking residence in your mind," she reminded him before setting him down on the curve of her knee. "Now, then, take a few minutes to calm down. I find the tranquility of the lake's surface to do well in that endeavor."
He opened his mouth to protest, that he was fine, but if he was, he wouldn't be here. No use in arguing, especially with the Goddess of all Titans. So, he let out a sigh and stared at the lake. Not even five seconds had passed and already, he wanted to calm down the best way he knew how. "This area feels more natural than the first time you summoned me. This is from your memories, isn't it?"
"Yes," she confirmed softly, smiling in remembrance. "It was only a few miles from the castle, the perfect distance for peace and quiet. I came here so often that it was like my second home. This place allowed me to relax, sort out my problems and worries without the constant pressure of the crown bearing down on me."
"It must've been something, being the Queen of the Eldians and their Goddess," he commented.
Ymir didn't answer for a moment as she allowed the millennium-old memories to fill her thoughts. "It was an unexpected burden and responsibility. I didn't ask for it, yet it still came to me. However, there were moments of exhilaration. I mean, who wouldn't love to have the attention and worship of tens of thousands of people?"
Dillon chuckled, shaking his head. "Pass. I think I'd get sick of it really quick."
"Then why do you yearn for it?"
That wiped the levity right off his face. "What?"
She looked down at him, ignoring that he wasn't returning eye contact. "You want to be recognized for your deeds, Dillon. I've seen it with how you interact with your superiors."
Whether it was by her power, this place, or whatever reasons, he was hit with many of the words he had spoken.
"My intervention prevented more lives from needlessly being lost."
"...I know I have worth in this war."
"I have always fought for humanity's best interests."
"You may not want the same worship I received, but I know you seek admiration and appreciation from the people," she continued. "It may be an understandable desire, but that doesn't make it any less self-centered."
Oh, how he wanted to be in denial, but because that was off the table, he chose to remain silent.
Once again, Ymir brought him to face-level since he was too embarrassed to look up, though he avoided her gaze. "Dillon, if you really wanted that, you would have brought the Female Titan to her knees with your powers. You didn't, and now, you have to face the consequences."
"I knew that a lot of people would hate what I've done," Dillon admitted quietly. "But… it's like I'm constantly breathing it in. My comrades, my superiors, the civilians, they all despise me and Annie, but I know I did the right thing."
"And that line of thought makes you dangerous in their eyes," Ymir responded. "You fight for what you think is right, and you defied the military to do it. Now that you are facing the consequences of your actions, you resent them for it. You believe them to be unfair, don't you?"
"It is unfair!" he protested. "After everything we've done for them-"
"What's fair is the Female Titan's execution and a swift court martial for you," she interrupted. "Nothing she does can ever erase the crimes she committed. She will always have innocent blood on her hands. You two have been granted a miraculous mercy while others have been denied closure for lives lost. If that's what you didn't want, then you shouldn't have saved her. These are desperate times, so desperate measures have to be taken. You may not like what your superiors have done, but it's the path you chose."
Why did she have to be right? Dillon wasn't a victim of a crappy society or a high-strung military; he was a victim of his own decisions. He didn't want to be admit the truth, but there was no escaping it. However, he still tried to fight, even if it was weak. "Hanji and Levi. They… they might kill her. I don't want to lose her, Ymir."
Her purple eyes glistened with sympathy. "I know you don't, but what does she want, Dillon?"
Damn questions. His hand curled into a fist briefly before they relaxed. "She wants me to live," he answered.
"Death is inevitable even if we don't know how it will happen," Ymir said. "I know she made you promise her, but you need to honor that agreement, Dillon. You need to think about what's best for her and not just yourself. Too much, and you'll see her as a possession if you haven't already."
He bowed his head, ashamed. "So, that's it? She's now a possession to me?"
"I believe you are treading that line," she answered. "It's easy for love to turn into possession if one is not careful. My husband and I deeply cared for each other, but there were times we sacrificed the bigger picture for our own benefits regarding each other. Love isn't just about loyalty or devotion. It's also about being willing to respect the other's wishes and letting go when the time comes. I won't say that it will be easy, but it is necessary for a healthy relationship."
Dillon let out a snort. "Outside looking in, I doubt people would call the relationship I have with Annie healthy."
"And how do you see your relationship?" Ymir asked.
"Well, it's been… difficult." Dillon faltered, trying to figure out how to phrase it. "I mean, we finally talked and got things out in the open, but..."
"It's her Titan form," she finished for him gently. "You still fear her when she's the Female Titan."
"Can you blame me?" he asked bitterly. "Titans in general, I hate how they make us feel so small, so weak, so easily breakable." A single foot took away his comrades. A single swat sent Scouts flying like flies. A single gulp sent him into a world of hell.
"You know you can't separate the two. You tried and failed." A little bluntness here and there never hurt. "But now that you've seen her past, what do you think of her now?"
"I think she's a broken person who went through things no one should ever have gone through. She's someone I want to be with, care for, and help. She's... also terrifying."
"I can't fault you for your trepidation," Ymir said softly. "I had a moment where I let myself enjoy the Titan power too much, to the point where I was torturing a soldier during a battle only to find that my husband had witnessed the entire thing. It took quite a conversation, and more than several weeks before our relationship was stable again."
Dillon didn't say anything for a moment, but when he did, he spoke quietly. "I'm trying, but it's still there. My fear of what she is, what you are. It follows me around, clinging to me like a parasite and sapping what little strength I have." He chuckled mirthlessly. "It's eating me alive... like Ymir did." He finally looked back to the Titan. "How the hell do I keep going like this?"
Ymir was silent, contemplating how to respond to the teen. A slight smile came to her face. "Knowledge can help with eliminating fear. Sensing that fear that you had is part of the reason why I remain in this form instead of taking on human form. You would be too comfortable with my humanness, and you would have a harder time acclimating to the knowledge that I am a Titan as well. Have you spent any time with the Female Titan in non-combat circumstances?'
"Well... once. We finally talked things out near a lake like this one," he answered.
"I want you to make the time, if you both survive this trial, to do that again. Acquaint yourself with her Titan form. Even if it's emotionally draining, it will boost your comfort and ability to be with her," Ymir suggested. "Speak candidly with her. She's not one to beat around the bush, so use that to your advantage. Communication must be made to strengthen the relationship you have with her."
"I know. I just... she's going through so much right now. I don't want to keep dragging her down further with-" He didn't get the chance to finish as he was promptly tossed into the lake. He surfaced quickly, glaring up at Ymir. "Seriously? This again?"
"You're not listening, so I gave you a wake-up call," she explained impatiently. "This won't help if you're dismissing it and making excuses. You need to make time to spend with Annie, in her Titan form. Period. That will give you the optimal chance to work through your issues together. You both have your own sets of troubles and fears, and hesitations. If you're unwilling to work at this as a team, your fragile relationship will shatter, and there can be no restoration."
He let out an annoyed sigh and crawled onto shore. The water dissipated from his clothes once he was out, leaving them dry as he was prior to entering. Just once, he wanted to be given bullshit advice.
"Besides, Dillon, this may give you a chance to identify if there are aspects of the Female Titan you happen to prefer." She shot him a wink. "I don't see why you are sighing over spending time with your girlfriend, especially after all that you've been through recently."
Dillon raised an eyebrow. "Aspects? She's a skinless, gigantic Titan. I think I prefer the human side of her." Oh, why did I open my mouth?
Ymir tsked at him. "Don't be close-minded. You don't know because you haven't considered the possibilities. Besides, it's not all about you. Have you stopped to consider that perhaps she might enjoy the concept of a more pleasurable experience? She did return the kiss."
Dillon's face reddened considerably. "Okay. This is veering into weird territory. How about we move on?" It wasn't gonna be that easy.
"Back when I had first gained the Titan power, my relationship with my husband was rocky, to say the least, and it only stabilized again once we had shared some intimate moments when I was in Titan form." Ymir pointedly ignored his red face. "It was definitely awkward at first, and he had as much hesitation as you're displaying, but we figured things out fairly easily, and as I said, our relationship improved as a result."
"Oh, the weather is wonderful here!" Dillon interrupted suddenly. "Look at that sun. It's bright!" It was painfully obvious he was trying to find a way out, but there was no escape.
Ymir gave him an unamused look at his immaturity, but he wasn't ready for such talk, it seemed. "Dillon," she warned in a motherly tone. "Promise me you'll make the time to spend with Annie in Titan form. You both need it."
Slowly, he gave admitted defeat with a single nod. "Alright. I'll do my best."
"That's all I ask for, and that's all she asks for." She knelt to his level, smiling. "You're a brave young man to have gotten this far, Dillon. A little more shouldn't hurt."
"It's all hinging on if she doesn't get killed," he told her.
"It is, but don't lose hope. Not yet, at least. Who knows? They might surprise you."
The world went to black once more as Dillon returned to the physical world as if he just came out of a dream. He knew that tomorrow was going to be just as hard as today's tribulations since there were more memories to come. He needed to be prepared for that eventuality. Still, Ymir's words continued to ring in his mind, reminding him of what needed to be done if the worst came to past. Could he really live with himself if he let Annie die? He truly had no idea, and until it happened, he had no clue what he would do, or what he would sacrifice.
It was a blur trying to get back to her quarters, but somehow, Hanji managed to make it without any incident. Well, any incident worth mentioning. Behind closed doors, she could fully express how she felt, and what she felt was… how could it be put into simple words? She. Tasted. Human. Flesh. No amount of rinsing would be able to wash that out of her mouth. And to think that was the way Shifters transferred their Titan abilities. Normally, she would find that concept fascinating if she didn't experience it herself.
She tossed her glasses at the nightstand and plopped onto the bed, head in her hands. After all this time, her curiosity got the better of her, and now, she was paying the price. How she wished she could go back and remain ignorant. No, that's stupid. She would rather be told such vile things than experience them for herself. Things were easier that way. Hell, things were easier when she was trying to discover what the Titans were, when she didn't know they were human.
Hanji stared at the small mirror in her room. Her vision was blurry, but she could see enough. This was the face of a torturer, someone who let her thirst for knowledge get the better of her. She briefly wondered if that's how everyone saw her as. A psychopath who butchers people for knowledge.
Since when did I care about how people saw me? The Section Commander asked herself. Dwelling on these things were pointless. She knew who she was, and she'd get over it like she always did. Would she have taken back certain actions if she knew the Titans were humans? No one could know, but it didn't matter. How she felt didn't matter. The important thing was to find out if Annie was going to be an ally or an enemy. Plenty of motivation to go either way. Tomorrow, they would know for sure, and no amount of traumas would get in her way this time.
With that in mind, Hanji began doing the hardest thing she did every single day: sleep at night.
AN: I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, I look forward to your reviews, and I'll see you all in the next one.
