Chapter 48: Gazing at the Abyss

Dillon was sure that Hanji was saying something important to him as she led him back to the infirmary, but he was too wrapped up in his misery to give a damn. Once again, he felt everything around fall apart, and this time, there would be no one to help him get back up. His parents were gone, his dreams were shattered, and now the woman he gave up so much for was dying. Reality was a joke and he was the punchline.

Every single time he thought he was making some sort of progress with his life, something, or someone, would come around to kick his teeth in. Why? What was the point of all this? If it was meant to drive him into the point of insanity and never return, it was working. Hell, he might as well accept it at this point. There was nothing he could do to fix any of this, so halting his fruitless efforts was the only option left.

"Don't you dare."

Unlike the previous times where he entered into Ymir's realm, he felt himself being yanked into it, like a mother pulling her stubborn child in the direction he was supposed to go. In this situation, he was the child, and Ymir was the stern, intervening Titan of a mother. He was back in the beautiful paradise he started in, but he was more concerned with the Titan looking down at him crossly.

"You need to calm down," she urged. "This will only make things worse."

It probably wasn't a good idea to argue with the Goddess of all Titans, but since it was Dillon, good ideas were thrown out the window and trampled to death by out-of-control horses. "You know, I'm getting really sick and tired of people telling me to calm down. Annie's a murdering traitor? Calm down. My mother's a war criminal? Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. It's always the same, fucking thing every fucking time something happens! Well, you know what? For once, I going to be who I am without some person who thinks they know everything getting in my way!"

"The last time you lost control, you almost killed Annie Leonhart," she reminded him calmly.

"I didn't have an outlet," he shot back, pacing back and forth. "I do now! In this world, I'm dealing with a dead woman, so I can just let it all out!"

She took the insult in stride. "Wanting an outlet is one thing, but you are hanging precariously on a-."

"There you go. I'm always the one in the wrong, right?"

Ymir narrowed her eyes at him, not that he noticed. "You are not thinking clearly, Dillon. Listen to me."

"Do I look like I give a damn?" Dillon questioned, eyes blazing. The trees in the distance swayed dangerously. "I'm fed up with this bullshit! They can find someone else to be their precious punching bag. I'm done, okay? Just leave me alone."

"YOU CAN'T SAVE HER!" Ymir's voice boomed so loudly, the world seemed to shake out of fear. It certainly got Dillon to fall on his ass and she cared so little about that. "That's what this is all about. She is going to die, and you're looking for someone to blame, so let's go down the list together, shall we? Why not start with Annie? I mean, she already slaughtered your squad, backstabbed you, and traumatized you for life. Now, she kept this from you in an effort to prevent you from suffering further, so let's be mad at her. Then, there's Marley. They were the ones who forced her down and injected her with Titan serum. Sure, she willingly volunteered for the program, but they were the ones ultimately in control of her fate. Or how about we go even further back? Blame me!" She jabbed herself in the chest with her thumb. "I cursed all the Titan Shifters with my power. If I just let it die with me over a thousand years ago, none of this would have happened. It's all my fault. But then, there's your part to play in all this, Dillon. You're on the list, too, because you're powerless and you're hopeless, because there is nothing you can do to save her!"

There was nowhere to run, and nowhere to hide. All his defenses and protests crumbled into pieces, revealing the broken human he truly was. Dillon curled into a ball, his head buried in his knees. His tears were running freely, but he wasn't openly sobbing. He was shaking, though.

Ymir's expression considerably softened as she knelt to his level. "Can't you see how much time you waste immersing yourself in this blame game? You've gotten nowhere except wallowing in your self-pity."

"I don't—I don't know how to do this anymore," Dillon confessed, gripping himself tighter as if that would solve anything. "It's too much, Ymir. I can't take this anymore. I can't stop thinking about what Annie did to me, everybody keeps pushing me past my limits, I stabbed my fucking father to death, and now… damn it. Just let me break. Let me fall."

"I can't do that, Dillon," she said sadly. "I'm not ready to give you up to your demons. Letting them win means you would die. Please, look around you."

Despite his best efforts, he couldn't resist her simple request. He raised his head up and looked to the left. The lush, green lands were now dried-up, the grass crackling unpleasantly as the wind blew. The trees were barren, devoid of a life. If one touched them, they would feel the cold.

"This world has always been unfair from the start. Good things happen to those that would take the gifts given and abuse them for their own selfish, malicious gains. Bad things happen to the innocent who's only crime was existing. You have to accept that's the way things are." She bowed her head in sorrow. "My husband was a good man, the best any woman could ask for. Kind, strong, caring, stood by me through the worst of times, and he was brave enough to call me out no matter how big I was. One day. Though, he caught a terrible disease that left him bed-ridden for a month. He could barely eat, sleep, or drink as his body slowly began to wither away. I tried to find a cure, something to help him heal. I was desperate to put an end to his suffering, but… there was nothing I could do. For all my powers, they did nothing for the man that meant the most to me."

Dillon blinked and there was a tombstone to his right. He couldn't understand the language that was carved into the stone, but he didn't need to. He knew who it belonged to.

Despite her eyes welling up at the memory, she composed himself for his sake and continued. "Even if I didn't have my children to help me through those times, I still had a responsibility to my people.Whether I liked it or not, I was their ruler. The death of my husband could not change that. Still, I had two choices: succumb to my grief and allow everything to fall into ruin, or I could stand back up and keep moving forward."

"How do you move forward through this?" Dillon asked quietly. "I've lost everything."

She gently lifted his chin with her finger. "She's still alive, Dillon. You may have six years at most, but she's still there. Make every day count with her, and don't let your grieve rule you. It's too easy to do so. And even when she passes, you still have friends you can count on to be there for you. Maybe they've gone through the same things you have, maybe they haven't. Don't forget about them no matter what happens."

He averted his eyes. Eye contact was so hard for him, especially during these moments. "Whenever I thought I could rise above these things, something was always there waiting for me to knock me back down."

"And it will keep happening no matter what you do. Living this life guarantees suffering, great and small, but even in the darkest of moments, there is always light." She gestured to a small vine that was growing out of the ground. "No matter how small it is, light will remain. Humans have the ability to provide it. Don't miss out on that chance. Don't let your chance with Annie disappear forever."

Dillon let those words sink in as he took in a breath and let it out. While he still felt emotionally drained from the whole ordeal, the wisdom Ymir shared stuck with him. He knew what he needed to do, but first… sleep.


Being confined to her room usually got on Annie's nerves very quick, but this time, she wanted to be alone. Dillon's expression haunted her deeply, that look of shock and, almost, betrayal. She had seen it once when she slaughtered his squad, and now, she caused it again. Is this what their relationship would be about? Causing each other this much pain and misery? If so…

This wasn't the first time that Annie considered putting an end to their relationship. After hearing about the "love" between Matthew and Carolyn when their pasts came to light, she couldn't help but wonder if hers was going in the same direction. She and Dillon clung onto each other and despite the crap they put each other through, they were still together. Was Dillon so desperate for love and affection he was willing to choose her? Was she so desperate?

It was nearly an hour before Petra summoned her back to the war room. She didn't dare strike up a conversation with the woman. After all, she would probably be killing her soon. Several armed Scouts, about four of them, between the war room and the window. It was going to be tight, but she might be able to make it. Worst case scenario, she'd try a partial transformation to break through the castle walls.

"Sit down," Levi ordered the second she entered.

Silently, Annie did as she was told, taking the seat near the two people that would decide her fate. She hid her nervousness like she always did as she waited for the hammer to drop. No ring with her. She'd have to improvise."

"Anything you want to say before we begin?" Hanji asked, her elbows on the table and her hands together.

"I've said all I needed to say," Annie answered, looking directly at them. "If you're expecting me to beg for my life, you can forget it. You already decided what's going to happen to me."

Levi let out a snort as he slowly rose to his feet. Maybe he felt better being able to look down at her. Who knew? "What happens to you ultimately depends on the actions you take, Leonhart. Even in the worst conditions of this shithole of a world, you have a choice." He gave a small nod to Hanji.

The Section Commander nodded and slid a large piece of fabric on the table over to Annie, whose eyes widened at the sight.

It was her military jacket, but instead of the green unicorn emblems, they were replaced with blue and white wings. Annie expected a swift execution into the belly of a Titan, not this. "What?" was the only word she could manage.

"You miss your unicorns?" Levi drawled. "Too bad. In the Scout Regiment, you wear the Wings of Freedom. No exceptions."

The Shifter gazed at him, her expression alternating between relief and frustration. This was too good to be true. "Why? Is this because you feel sorry for me, or are you so desperate for a functioning tool?"

He glared at her. "Don't flatter yourself. You want to find people with sob stories, throw a fucking rock. I can bet half of them were because of you."

Always had to remind her of that. There were so many reasons to punch him in the face, but doing so would ensure her demise.

He wasn't finished. "Here's the reality, Leonhart: I had a shit life, and you had a shit life. We both did what we had to to survive. It made me an icon, and you a tool to be used. You probably hate us for making you relive those moments. Can't blame you for that, but I don't care. We're in a war, and we're not just gonna trust someone like you blindly, so suck it up. So, now you have two choices: become a Scout or take your chances. If you want the freedom you've craved for since birth, there's the door. You might make it, you might not. The only thing we can give you if you stay is our purpose, nothing more. Your life will be hell one way or the other, so you'd better think carefully of what you want." He leaned menacingly over her. "And just so we're clear, you don't come back from this choice no matter how much you regret it later. You will be loyal to the Scout Regiment, or you won't. You know the consequences of both. So, decide."

Once again, Annie was faced with the crossroads that would change everything. This was her chance to run if she really wanted to. To continue being chained in her life as a weapon weighed heavily on her. She would give so much to break free permanently and live the rest of her life the way she wanted. Except… she didn't know how to live her life outside of that.

What would she do? Run somewhere away from Titans and people. Humans were all over the planet, so running into one would be an inevitability, but she was good at hiding. Yet, how long would it take for resources to dry up? How long would it take for her to starve and be dehydrated? Maybe she could find a place in the Walls where no one could find her, build a house and live there. She could wait out the six years in peace.

However, several things gnawed at her, the biggest one being Dillon, of course. Sure, she could take him with her whether he wanted to go or not, get him away from all this crap. Whatever it took, she could help him heal from everything. To give him an environment that she was constantly denied from was a pleasant idea. But, like all things, that would be temporary. In six years time, he would helplessly watch her die. Right now, he was devastated, and she had no idea how their relationship would be now that her final secret came to light. Causing him constant misery was the last thing she wanted, so leaving him behind so she wouldn't hurt him anymore was the better option.

And yet, even if Dillon was a complete nonissue, it didn't feel right for her to just leave. Five years ago, more likely, but now… things were different. She grew to care about the Eldians here, even if most of them were calling for her head for justifiable reasons. She had friends that she wanted to help like Sasha. She couldn't believe the hunter, of all people, would be willing to forgive her. On top of that, in these Walls, she had a purpose. A good purpose. Isn't that why she wanted to be a Titan Shifter in the first place?

Annie rose to her feet, coming a few inches short of the captain. He was watching her every movement, anticipating so many outcomes. With narrowed eyes, she spoke, "You're a ruthless, son of a bitch who deserves much more than a broken leg." Her eyes darted to Hanji. "And you're a psychopathic scientist who would perform a live autopsy on a child if it meant getting further with knowledge. If I had my way, I'd bite your heads clean off and grind your bodies into the dirt." She let out a sigh now that she got that off her chest. "But I'm not willing to damn everybody because of how I feel about you two assholes. I said I wanted to change, and I meant it." She slipped on the jacket, feeling the weight of the emblems she now bore. A determined look crossed her features. "I won't pretend this fixes what I've done. Nothing will. Tool, weapon, soldier, call me what you want. This is my choice."

Levi stared at her for the longest time, looking for any hint of a lie. There was none. So, he gave her a nod and her first, official command. "In two days, I want you and Eren training in Titan form. I don't care how many bones are broken as long as he quits being a wild card."

"Yes, sir." Annie did not miss the glimmer of surprise in his eyes when she saluted him for the first time.

"Go see your boyfriend before he does something stupid," he ordered.

Seeing that she was being dismissed, she exited the war room once and for all. Now, they couldn't see the relief distort her face. Even when they had every opportunity to kill her, they decided to spare her life instead. They had to be extremely desperate for this to happen. No way in hell she would've taken this chance a year ago, even six months ago. Damn Dillon and his idealistic tendencies for infecting her.

Speaking of which, Annie quietly entered the infirmary to check on her boyfriend. He was sleeping peacefully, a new look for him in recent days. She knew so well how much he was suffering right now and even if she had six years at most left, she would help him get through it whatever it took. Then again, doubt gnawed at her being. She was a dead woman walking. Anyone with half a brain would find someone with a higher life expectancy to be with, and he was greatly hurt by her revelations. Only time would tell what he planned on doing now that there were no more secrets between them.

Gently, she stroked his cheek, but not hard enough to wake him. She wasn't sure if that would affect the dreams he had. Might as well give it a try. Whether Dillon would have her or not, Annie would keep him safe, but she now had a purpose she believed in on top of this: her original purpose.


Once Annie was gone, Hanji let out the breath she was holding. "I really thought she was gonna transform and run."

"At least you didn't piss your pants at the thought," Levi muttered.

The Section Commander threw him a look of suspicion. "You pitied her, didn't you? That's why you made the choice."

He rolled his eyes. "I don't pity her, Hanji."

"Then what is it?"

He was silent for a moment, pondering the whole thing. True, he saw a lot of himself in that girl no matter how much he didn't want to admit, but that didn't drive his decision. And then, the simple answer was voiced. "She's human."


AN: Well, this has been the ordeal for them, hasn't it? Obviously, time for healing takes a while, but at least the two are on the right track. So, if any of you are wondering when the Uprising Arc will happen, it should be about two to three chapters from now. We still have some characters to catch up on.

I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, I look forward to your reviews, and I'll see you all in the next one.