James/Liz walked down the corridor with Sirius/Allison. The two were on their way to the Gryffindor common room. They weren't quite sure yet whether or not they were actually going to brave the terror of the girls' dorm.
James/Liz was having his doubts. "Why," he asked Sirius/Allison, "are we doing this? And why did we agree to be PBSing?"
Sirius/Allison replied cheerfully, "I don't know. I think they tricked us into doing this. They are smarter than us. And," he continued, grim now, "PMSing will be an interesting experience."
"Interesting isn't always good," James/Liz said.
"Exactly," Sirius/Allison said ominously.
They reached the common room. "Password?" asked the Fat Lady.
"Sir Flagrastisius," Sirius/Allison told the Fat Lady, altering his voice to make it higher. Sadly, Sirius/Allison was a remarkably convincing girl. Smiling, the Fat Lady swung her painting open. "Have a nice day, girls!" she said merrily.
"Girls? What are you talking about? We're not—" James/Liz was cut off by Sirius/Allison's hand over his mouth.
"Ha ha, you're, you're a funny one, Elizabeth!" Sirius/Allison said loudly, grinning fraudulently. He beamed up at the Fat Lady. "Isn't she just the funniest, GIRLIEST, most feminine little GIRL you ever saw? Who is a GIRL? Because we're both GIRLS! Since birth! You know, when we were born as GIRLS!"
The Fat Lady looked at him strangely and didn't say anything.
"Erm, yes, we'll be going now," Sirius/Allison said. "J—uh, haha, er, Liz, let's go. Up to our dorm. The GIRLS' dorm! Because we're GIRLS!" He picked James/Liz up by the feet and dragged him into the common room.
"So what do we do now?" James/Liz asked Sirius/Allison in a low voice once they were in.
"I vote we go up to their dorms and poke around a little. You know, we've never actually been up there before…that whole stupid charm on the stairs."
"It does make an excellent Slip 'n Slide though."
"True…anyway, this could be an excellent opportunity to pull the winning joke on them."
"Fine. Lead the way, Lucy."
"No, you go first."
"No, you."
"You."
"We'll go together."
"Fine. On the count of three, run up the stairs."
"Okay. One…two…three!"
Each of them sprinted as fast as he could up the stairs.
"Now what?" James/Liz asked.
"Okay. First order of business…scope out vulnerable spots, or just see where a Dungbomb might fit. And James—Liz, I mean, stop covering your eyes, tosspot."
"No. I feel like a creeper."
"Don't, it looks just like ours, except a whole lot neater. And with more clothes and magazines and rubbish."
James/Liz reluctantly uncovered his eyes. "AAH!" He buried his face in his hands again.
"What the heck are you screaming about?" Sirius/Allison asked. He glanced over to the side of the room that James/Liz had been looking at when he AAHed. Then Sirius/Allison saw it, too. "EEP! What is that thing?" he squeaked.
"Sirius, go and see what it is."
"My name is Allison, and I nominate you."
"No. It's gonna eat me."
"You wish."
"Hey! That's not nice! I—I can't believe you said that!" James/Liz burst into tears. "I HATE YOU! GOD, YOU ARE SO MEAN!"
"Whoa," Sirius/Allison said.
"I HATE YOU!" James/Liz thundered.
"I'm…I'm sorry?" Sirius/Allison tried.
Suddenly, James/Liz's face broke into a huge grin, and ran over and hugged Sirius/Allison until asphyxiation became a looming possibility. "It's okay! I love you! You're my best friend! I just love people! Love 'em! Hooray! I love you!"
Sirius/Allison said, "It wasn't that bad for me. Poor James."
"Yeah, it was." An unconvincingly low, strained voice traveled up the stairs. Allison/Sirius, Christian/Peter, Mary/Remus, and Liz/James followed it. "If you don't believe me…we've got pictures."
"Hey! How'd you get up here? Guys can't get in the girls' dorms!" Sirius said.
"Well, we got up here, so obviously it knows we're girls, sort of," Christian/Peter said.
"Then…how did we get up?" Sirius contemplated, meaning himself and James.
"You must be girly enough for the stairs," Christian said as she shrugged.
James was now throwing a fit on Liz's bed. Liz/James remarked, "I feel bad for the kid."
Allison/Sirius said, "Yeah, but he kind of deserves it." Her friends agreed with her.
"What? Why? No he doesn't!" Sirius replied defensively.
"Actually…" Mary/Remus said. "Hate to break it to you, Sirius, but yeah, he does."
"For what?" Sirius inquired indignantly.
"For being an arrogant—" Allison/Sirius began.
"Condescending—" Mary/Remus interrupted.
"Diabolical—" Allison/Sirius continued.
"Pompous—" Christian/Peter added.
"Opprobrious—" Allison/Sirius kept on.
"Supercilious—" Liz/James put in.
"Egotistical—" Mary/Remus contributed.
"Idiot," Allison/Sirius finished.
"And that's not all," Christian/Peter said.
"Yeah," Mary/Remus said. "He's also—"
"Okay! Okay! I get it!" Sirius shook his head. "But gentlemen, I don't think James is smart enough to be diabolical."
"Say, where're Remus and Peter?" Mary/Remus asked.
"I'll bet Remus is up in the library, looking for the counterspell just in case," Sirius/Allison said. "And I'll bet you five Galleons that ol' Petey is down in the Great Hall snarfing muffins."
James/Liz wailed loudly. "YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT ME! STOP IT!"
"James, we're not—" Sirius/Allison started to say.
"YOU SAID MUFFINS! I HEARD YOU SAY MUFFINS! I HEARD YOU!"
"Yes, I said muffins, but that doesn't mean we were talking about—"
"YES IT DOES! YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT ME! I KNOW IT! I WANT CHOCOLATE!"
Mary/Remus produced a large candy bar from her bag and handed it to James/Liz. "Here," she said. "Here. Eat this. Then take this…" she handed James/Liz two transparent blue capsules.
"Hey!" Liz/James complained. "That's my body! What are you feeding it chocolate for?"
"What are those blue things?" Sirius/Allison asked.
"It's fine, Liz," Christian/Peter reassured Liz/James. "If he makes you fat, just do something bad to his body."
There was silence in the room for a second.
"That's real cute, Christian," Mary/Remus said sarcastically.
Sirius stood near Christian/Peter in confusion. "I don't get it," he said slowly.
Everyone else laughed at him.
"Sirius!" Allison/Sirius said. "You are such an idiot!"
Calming down, they noticed James/Liz painting a picture of flowers and hearts arranged blindingly around a rainbow. He went to Sirius/Allison and handed it to him, saying, "For one of my best friends!"
Sirius/Allison said under his breath, "I thought the whole world was your friend."
James/Liz heard him and said a tad too happily, "It is! I've got some pictures to make!" He turned around and went back to work.
"At least he's not angry," said Liz/James.
"Hey look! There's Remus!" Mary/Remus said.
"Hi everyone," Remus/Mary said as he entered the dormitory. "I was in the library, looking up the counterspell, just in case."
"Told you," Sirius/Allison said to the room at large.
"Where's Peter?" Allison/Sirius asked.
"In the Great Hall. He found the muffins," Remus/Mary said, half-smiling.
"WHAT?!" Christian said, outraged. "He's in my body, and he's just sitting there, eating MUFFINS?! He's so embarrassing! I'm gonna kill him!" And with that, she stomped down the stairs. Seeing Peter's body stomp was amusing.
Liz/James got everyone's attention with a "HEY! Everyone c'mere!" As the five students came towards her, she said, "Allison, Mary and I decided that we're gonna teach you guys how to put on makeup."
"Uh…sounds like fun…" Remus/Mary said unenthusiastically. "Must we?"
"Do you want to stay in this dorm the whole day?" Liz/James asked rhetorically.
"Yes."
"It doesn't matter, you still have to put on makeup."
Remus/Mary groaned and said, "Fine. But I'm not going first."
Mary/Remus laughed and said, "Of course not, you'll all go at the same time. Liz, you beautify James…Allison, go with Sirius." The six went into the bathroom of the girls' dorm.
"Whoa," Sirius/Allison announced in amazement. "There's so much…stuff."
"What did you expect?"
Suddenly from the dorm came Christian's voice. "And you were just EATING MUFFINS?! Are you INSANE?! WHY did they make me switch with YOU of all people?! I'd rather switch with Crabbe—Malfoy—ANYONE BUT YOU, GIT!" She paused, then called to her six friends, "Where are you guys?"
Liz/James called her into the bathroom.
Christian/Peter stomped in, holding Peter/Christian's wrist death-grip style. "This stupid nark— embarrassing me—WHY DID YOU MAKE ME SWITCH PLACES WITH HIM?! GOD!"
"Christian—it's almost over," Liz/James said in a hasty (and ineffective) effort to calm her friend down.
"IT WON'T BE OVER SOON ENOUGH, TRUST ME!" Christian/Peter bellowed.
"Well, Christian, now you get the joy of giving Peter a makeup lesson."
Christian/Peter stared for a moment, then slowly, an incredibly evil smile crept on to her face. She rubbed her hands together and said wickedly, "Okay, then. Let's begin, shall we?" She couldn't conceal a little cackle.
Peter/Christian squealed in fright.
"Okay," said Liz/Peter, holding up an eyeliner pencil. "This is eyeliner. We have brown, black, dark blue, light blue, rose, peach, teal, torque, green, purple, yellow, orange, red, and at least 15 multiple shades for each of those colors."
Sirius/Allison cracked, "So this is what you use to draw your face on every day?"
Liz/James said, "You'd be surprised." She started attempting to putt some on James/Liz. "No—James, idiot—OPEN your eye—if you close it I can't put it on you—"
James/Liz grinned and said, "Exactly."
Liz/James stared at him for a second, then looked at her girl-turned-man friends. "Any ideas?" she asked.
"I'd say," Mary/Remus said mischievously, "Bring out the eyelash curler!"
Allison/Sirius, Liz/James, and Christian/Peter joined Mary/Remus in laughing malevolently. Sirius/Allison leaned over to his buddies and whispered, "This doesn't sound good, mates."
Liz/James opened a drawer and brought out a small contraption that nevertheless looked capable of killing people.
"GAAH!" James shrieked, exceeding himself in the manly charm department. He cowered. "Don't hurt me!"
"This doesn't hurt people, moron," Allison/Sirius told him with a laugh. "All we're gonna do is hold your eyes open by putting your eyelashes in the curler, pinching it shut, then pulling your eyes open by the tips of your eyelashes. Relax. This will only hurt a lot."
"Now," Liz/James said, "we can either do that or you can open your eyes. Whichever one you want. And I won't poke you in the eye, I swear. At least not if you just open your goddamn eyes."
"AAH!" screamed James/Liz. "Okay! Okay! I'll open my eyes! Just don't let it attack!"
With that, the four formerly female students set to work putting eyeliner on the four former fellows. Much of the conversation during this period sounded like, "OW! You poked me in the eye!" "No I didn't!" "Yes you did! Why do you think my eye is all red and puffy?" "I don't know, heroin?" When they were done, the talented girls-now-guys had somehow managed to put eyeliner on the stupid idiots. (A/N: If I say 'stupid idiots', 'idiots', or something like that, it's referring to the guys-now-girls.) Next came eyeshadow. "This is eyeshadow," Allison/Sirius explained. "It's color for your eyelids." The boys didn't understand was what the ultimate purpose of it was, but they submitted to the will of the girls inhabiting their bodies. After eyeshadow came (cue Psycho music) mascara.
"This is mascara," Christian/Peter said. "You put it on your eyelashes. The colors are—wait. It would take too long to tell you all of them—we have like 800,000 different colors between us."
"Hmm—what do you think for my James in my body?" Liz/James asked. "With that outfit I'd say Brown Black, but—"
"Are you insane?!" Allison/Sirius crowed. "With those color contacts?! Brown Black is a definite NO. I'd say…Black Brown."
"Good idea!" Liz/James said happily. "What was I thinking? Brown Black would be terrible! Black Brown it is!"
Christian/Peter looked over and said, "I personally think that 11:30 Black would suit that hair color with that outfit best."
Mary/Remus argued, "No way. 11:30 Black? Please. 11:32 Black is the way to go. It just has that extra…you know…two minutes."
Allison/Sirius said, "Well, how about Light Black? That goes with a lot."
They agreed, and Liz/James commenced applying Light Black mascara to James/Liz's eyelashes as the idiots stared in confusion.
"How about you, Sirius?" Allison/Sirius asked. "What color do you want?"
Sirius/Allison looked up at her, grinned broadly and said, "Do you have Sirius Black?"
"You're hilarious."
As he laughed at his own joke, Sirius/Allison finished, "Then I'll have 11:35 Black, or whatever James had."
"WHAT?!" Allison/Sirius shrieked. "11:35 BLACK?! AHAHAHA!" she dissolved into laughter.
"What's so funny?" Christian/Peter asked.
"Sirius said 11:35 Black for his, her, whatever—mascara!" Allison/Sirius explained through her laughter.
Her girl-now guy friends joined her in laughter. "You're kidding," Liz/James asked. "11:35 Black? Sirius, you're on drugs."
They continued to talk and laugh as Allison/Sirius continued the difficult task of finding the right mascara for Sirius/Allison.
Allison/Sirius held up four bottles of mascara and said, "Hey guys, I can't decide. Black Bear Black, Brown Bear Brown, Black Bear Brown, or Brown Bear Black for Sirius? Or maybe Female Cardinal Brown? Jack Rabbit in Fall Brown? Burning Leaves Gray? I can't decide!"
As Liz/James tossed her a bottle she suggested, "Here. Use this. It's really nice. It goes with your hair and skin. I love it! It's called Medium Light Dark Black. If you don't like that, I also have One Degree Above Medium Dark Light Black."
Allison/Sirius considered a moment, then said, "What about that really cool stuff you got last week? Wasn't it Medium Light Dark Brown Grayish Blue-green Black or something?"
Liz answered, "You mean, 'Medium Dark Light Brown Grayish Blue-green Black?'"
"Yeah!"
Liz/James tossed her the bottle. After everyone was done putting mascara on one of the guys-now girls, Liz/James said, "Okay. Last but not least is lip gloss." This lesson went fairly easily, except that James/Liz at first refused to put it on. "No," he said stubbornly. "I already have eyeliner, mascara, and cakey eye shit. I refuse to subject myself to this!"
"James," Mary/Remus said warningly.
"Okay, fine. But I'm never doing this again!"
"Thanks, James. You look so pretty!"
He grumbled something under his breath in reply.
"OK," Christian/Peter said. "We should change and go."
"Change?" Sirius/Allison asked.
"You're not gonna go around wearing that all day, are you?" Christian/Peter said. The eight students went back into the dorm room. The girls-now-guys started picking out clothes for the guys-now-girls. When they were done, they had selected everyday clothing that they commonly wore. Allison/Sirius had jeans and a sweatshirt. Liz/James had a T-shirt and jeans. Christian/Peter had khakis and a thin sweater, and Mary had a long-sleeved T-shirt and jeans. They each gave their clothes to their corresponding person. The idiots put the clothes on. Thank God for James's Invisibility Cloak, or that whole affair could have been really awkward. After they put the clothes on, they all went to the guys' dorms to get clothes for the girls-now-guys.
When the girls were fully changed, Christian/Peter was dressed conservatively in stickpants and a shirt with a collar. Everyone else had jeans and a T-shirt and a sweatshirt.
"Haven't you idiots ever heard of bloody belts?" Allison/Sirius asked while unsuccessfully attempting to secure her pants somewhere above her knees.
"What's that?" Sirius joked.
"Nark."
Once the girls-now-guys had changed, the eight students went downstairs to the common room. Since they had nothing else to do, they decided to check the announcement board, then run around the school wreaking havoc, as they often did.
"Hey look!" Allison/Sirius said. "There's going to be a dance this Friday! What's it for?" She read a little bit further into the flyer, then answered her own question. "First Annual celebrating…Back-to-School?" She paused. "They've never had one of these before, have they?"
"No," Liz/James said.
"Going to school doesn't exactly seem like something I'd celebrate," said James/Liz.
"Are you kidding? If you lived in my house you would," Sirius/Allison said. "Who are we supposed to go with, Allison?"
Allison/Sirius looked at the poster for a moment longer, then answered, "It says that you can go to this dance with a date or with friends."
"That means dates," said Sirius/Allison. "The whole 'friends' thing is for people who can't get dates. Speaking of Peter, where is he?" Nobody had noticed Peter/Christian slip out.
"If he is even thinking about muffins right now, he is going to die," said Christian/Peter through clenched teeth.
The seven friends sat down around the fireplace and started chatting idly about the dance. Meanwhile, in the hall…
Peter/Christian walked stoutly towards the library. He—she—he didn't even know what gender he was anymore! All he knew was that he was going to find the counterspell to this idiotic charm, he would if it took him until ten o' clock, he'd never quit—
"Hello, Christian."
His left eardrum was suddenly resonating with the sound of a smooth arrogant voice. Peter/ Christian knew exactly who it was even without turning around. This was one of the many people whom Peter/Christian had never wanted to face alone.
Lucius.
"You look lovely in that outfit," said Malfoy as Peter/Christian swallowed and slowly turned to face him.
"Um—hi Luc—I mean, hi Lucius," Peter/Christian said. His voice cracked conveniently halfway through his sentence.
"Christian, I assume you have heard about the Celebratory Dance this Friday."
"Um, yes, of—of course," said Peter/Christian, even though he really hadn't. He was shaking so much he couldn't believe that Lucius hadn't noticed.
"Do you have a date?"
"No," Peter stuttered.
"Well then, I would be much obliged if you would accompany me. Would you allow me to escort you?"
"Oh—k—kay," Peter/Christian mumbled. He was sure this was going to turn out disastrously.
"Excellent. I will be waiting at your common room door at precisely 7:55 p.m. on Friday. I will see you then." With that, he bowed—bowed! What a creeper!—and walked away. Peter/Christian stared in disbelief.
"I—I have to tell—Christian," he stammered doubtfully to himself. He turned around and uncertainly headed back in the direction of the Gryffindor common room.
