In and Out of Uniform


Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Alchemist.
A/N: This is the first chapter for this story. It may seem a little boring (some of it IS rather funny, though), but this is VITALLY important to everything that happens afterwards. In fact, if the conversation in this chapter didn't happen, I wouldn't even have a fic! I haven't written much FMA fiction, and though I have seen all the anime and read some of the manga, I'm not confident in my ability to keep everything straight. If there's something that's off, please don't hesitate to tell me. Oh, and constructive criticism is also gladly accepted. (And liberal praise is as well, of course. Heh.) This story is very fun to write, so I hope my readerslike it as much as I do! Read and review, please; and enjoy everyone!

Unfortunately, this won't be updated anytime soon. I only needed to get this written and posted so I could concentrate on all my other story ideas. Hopefully, though, I'll have chapter two up next month!


--Chapter One--
Man to Man

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Edward Elric sat stiffly in his wooden seat on the old train, arms folded heavily cross his chest anda scowl marring his face.

Al sighed. "Stop sulking, brother. When we get there you're talking to him and that's final. You really hurt Winry's feelings Ed; and then you didn't even apologize!"

"Is that what she's telling you? I did so give her the damn apology! I–"

"Well," Al amended, giving his brother a chastising look, "it certainly wasn't sincere."

Ed shrugged. "There's no reason for Winry to be that sensitive. She's being stupid." He glanced out the window, looking to see if the girl was there to see them off. "And who cares what she thinks anyway? I–"

But he was cut off by the loud, very distinctive sound of a wrench hitting the window.

Ed and Al gulpedin unison. "You know what?" Ed asked, turning slowly away from the window, his eyes wide as dinner plates,"I think that you're right. As soon as we arrive, I'll try to talk to that bastard of a colonel. As SOON as we arrive..."

Al nodded, glad his brother had finally given in. The remainder of the train ride was spent in silence.


"Hello Alphonse," Lieutenant Hawkeye said kindly. "May I help you with something?"

Al nodded determinedly. "I-is Colonel Mustang busy? I... Ed needs to talk to him." Al glared at his brother as Ed scowled and swore under his breath.

Hawkeye smiled. "If you'll just go in his office, I'm sure he'll be more than happy to grant you an audience, Ed. He won't be doing his paperwork anyway."

"Thank you very much," Al said, dragging a VERY unhappy Ed along behind him.

Hawkeye– as was per the usual when it came to her colonel– was right again. Mustang was sitting in his office, a stack of unfinished– un-started– paperwork on his desk in front of him. He had spilled a bottle of ink on his last stack of work, and had then amused himself for an hour or so by burning each individual page and watching the ashes float to the bottom of his garbage bin.

Hawkeye, the ever-responsible one, had severely reprimanded him for that, he mused with a pout, and half of his work for that day was making up all the work that he had burned the day before. For a brief moment, he gave serious thought to actually doing it.

But that ridiculous notion was put to rest the moment the two Elric brothers barged unceremoniously into his office. Full Metal looked significantly displeased, and Al– giant suit of armor that he was– looked like he was nervous and trying his best to appear confident.

Roy raised an eyebrow as Al straightened up and drug his brother over to the desk. "Colonel Mustang, sir," he said, facing Roy proudly, "my brother is in desperate need of your help and advice."

"I'm not desperate," Ed muttered from his seat on the ground.

Al ignored him and continued. "He really messed up, and you were the only person we could think of who could help him. You're, um... Well, you are a grown man and you seem to know a lot about stuff like this, so..." If suits of armor could conceivably blush, Al would have been bright red. "Um, I'll leave you two to it, then!"

Ed and Roy sat there, staring at each other silently.

Roy blinked.

Ed blinked.

Roy blinked again.

Ed's right eye began twitching.

Roy smirked. "So Full-Metal– you've come to me for help with your poor, pathetic problems. Shall I even bother to ask or will you readily admit your failing?"

Ed stood and brushed himself off. He took a seat in the small, sparsely cushioned chair opposite Roy's desk. "Look Mustang," he said angrily, "I promised Al, and that's the only reason that I'm even here having this conversation."

"What's the problem then?"

For a moment, Roy was sure Ed had looked impossibly embarrassed. "Well..."

"Yes?"

Ed sunk down lower in his chair. "There's this... this girl."

Anything else he might have said after that was drowned out by the sounds of Roy's wild, hysteric laughter.

After finally calming down, Roy smirked. "Well, well. Isn't this an interesting situation?" He couldn't help himself– being evil was just too much fun.

Ed scowled deeply. "Get all the perverse pleasure you want out of this Mustang, I'm doing it for Al."

"Of course you are," Mustang assured him mockingly. "Not because you're hopeless with women."

"Shut up! I'm not hopeless, I'm just..." He looked away, his voice dropping to a mutter. "I just don't have that much experience."

"But lucky for you," Mustang said, his smirk returning full-force, "I'm as experienced as they come." He couldn't help but chuckle darkly at Ed's disgusted scowl.

"Oh, come come Full-Metal, it's perfectly natural to give in to the primal urges of manhood." At Ed's rather unwillingly confused expression, Mustang chuckled again and took it upon himself to elaborate. "You want to have sex! And since that's the case, it's good you came to me."

Edward jumped out of his chair, sputtering wildly. "WHA– THAT'S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT!"

Mustang raised a curious eyebrow. "Oh? So the very idea of physical intimacy with a woman repulses you? Or perhaps it's something else... Your body's so small that it only stands to reason that–"

"WHOA! Stop right there!" Ed said defensively. "I-I assure you that my... my... that I'M plenty big enough. So that... that has nothing to do with it."

"Whatever you say, Full-Metal." Mustang laughed. "But that doesn't change the fact that you like her enough to come to me for help with the situation. Heh. Whatever that situation might be."

"Well, it's not so much that I like her," Ed said, uncomfortable with the idea of a relationship with Winry, "as much as it is me screwing things up. I think I... eh, really pissed her off."

"Are you talking about the one who throws wrenches?"

Ed sunk down a bit in his chair. "Yeah. That's her."

"Well Full-Metal, I never imagined you'd be into that, but... Hey! Whatever gets you off is your business, not mine."

For some reason that Roy simply couldn't fathom, Edward's eye had begun to twitch, and his face was rapidly turning a bright red. He grinned at the teenager before him. "So... You say you need my help. In what area do you need my expert advice?"

Edward sighed, trying to decide if telling him was worth the teasing. "...how to apologize to her without getting her even more pissed off."

"Simple! Just sweep her off her feet! Give her an evening she'll never forget, and she'll have forgiven you before you even have a chance to say 'I'm sorry'. Trust me on this, Full-Metal, it works every time."

"That doesn't sound very sincere..."

"Who the hell cares? You are sorry, aren't you?" Ed nodded hesitantly. "Then what else matters? Just... prove that to her."

"But I..." Ed looked around nervously, careful not to meet Mustang's eye. "Look, when I said I was inexperienced I wasn't lying alright? I don't... I don't know how the hell to do all that romance and dating stuff."

"Oh– my poor, sheltered Edward. Well, we'll just have to take it slow then, won't we?"

Ed scowled and crossed his arms. "You're a real bastard."

Roy smirked. "And yet... You know you love me for it." Ed's scowl deepened. "So, since you're so insecure and unsure, and you have no inkling of how to go about procuring a woman's affection, I suggest that we make a plan to meet somewhere so we can discuss this more in-depth." He wiped a fake tear from the corner of his eye. "Full-Metal's finally becoming a man."

"God, you're an idiot." Ed shook his head. "Me and Al were planning on staying here for awhile since Winry is so angry at me. He won't be home– said he had something to do. So I've got an empty hotel room, and we could talk there I guess. I don't want anyone to know that I need your help, so if going somewhere public can be avoided, then it should be avoided. Eh... though the thought of you anywhere near the place I have to sleep is more than mildly upsetting..."

Roy waved his concerns away. "Don't worry about it. For once, I think you've come up with a decent idea. Oh, this shall be entertaining." He grinned again.

Ed stood up, looking wary. "Look, I'm gonna go. Don't you dare tell anyone, or you can kiss your sorry ass goodbye. Finish your paperwork too, or Hawkeye's gonna kill you." And with no further glance, Ed walked out of the office, slamming the door behind him.

He was walking down the hall to leave when he ran into the first lieutenant. "Oh, Hawkeye– I'm sorry. Did I–" He noticed her looking at him strangely– almost as though she were... frightened. "Hey, are you alright? I didn't mean to scare you or anything."

"N-no... It's fine, Edward. I... I'm fine, I assure you. Just fine." She nodded and straightened her uniform. She took a deep breath, and put on a composed expression. She smiled kindly at the boy and said, "I really need to be going. It was nice seeing you again, Edward."

"Yeah, you too. Oh, and I'm done with Mustang if you need him. Bye." Her eyes widened, and she swallowed almost audibly.

Confused but paying it no mind, he continued on his way.


end chapter 1