AN: OK, I know it has been a REALLY long time since I updated, but I've been preoccupied. Well not really. I just… uh… haven't updated :fake smile: :runs away: Yeah, anyway, I haven't written any new chapters for this fic in a while, but sooomeone coughlizcough was like (say this in a mocking chipmunk voice), "I updated… laxgoalie updated… now you update… preferably the German weirdo one." And I was like, "Um… German weirdos? Oh yeah, I remember that… vaguely… wait no I don't. AAH CONFUSION" and then I ran into a wall. Two months later I woke up in the hospital with 27 stitches and three broken legs, and that's why I haven't updated. Um… really.

Chapter Nine: When German Weirdos Attack

Where did we leave off? FLASHBACK! Macho announcer voice: A BLAST FROM THE PAST! Little kids screaming: YAYYYYY!Author: AAAH WHAT AM I DOING? STOP IT, BRAIN! I'M TRYING TO WRITE A CHAPTER NINE HERE! Macho announcer voice: AND THEN SHE RAN INTO A WALL AND DIED. And thus, Chapter Nine will begin. Um… written by the author's ghost. Author: SA-WEET! THIS ROCKS! (runs over to little kids, who are still screaming) I— (points to self) am a ghost and you— (points to kids) are not! Kids: (scream louder)Macho Announcer voice: But then she woke up and realized that it was all a dream and that if she didn't start writing soon, she really would be dead because everyone would kill her viciously. Also she needed a disclaimer. But because she owns Harry Potter, she doesn't really need one, she was just kidding. Author: NO! NO, YOU IDIOT! I DON'T OWN HARRY POTTER! NOW THOSE BLOODY COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT GUYS WILL COME AFTER ME! AAAH! Macho Announcer voice: And then a huge swarm of tiny copyright infringement goblins swarmed onto her and devoured that copyright-infringing author. Now she really was dead and she also received the prestigious award for Longest and Most Pointless Disclaimer Ever That's Not Even a Real Disclaimer Because All That Happened Was the Macho Announcer Voice Said That She Owned Harry Potter and Then She Got Eaten By Copyright Infringement Goblins.

Now presenting Chapter Nine, for real! (Elevator music start now) Chapter Nine: When German Weirdos and Fat People Attack!

Okay, seriously, where did we leave off? Our characters were sitting forlornly in nasty little cells, waiting to see who was coming up the hallway. And I quote (from last chapter):

'"Elizabeth… Elizabeth…" Liz was startled out of her thoughts by Aidan's voice and his hand waving around in her face. When he realized that he had her attention, he opened his mouth as if to say something, but was interrupted by shouts coming from down the hall.

"Warum erzahle du mich nicht?" a voice roared from a short distance away. "WO SIND SIE, DU IDIOT!"

"Wart— Hier— Sie sind hier—" came the nervous reply. Heavy footsteps, more than two pairs, came thudding in the direction of their cells. As the figures drew nearer, the students were able to see them more clearly, and what they saw didn't really make them feel very optimistic.'

Well that's fun.

Anyway, as this figure drew nearer, the students got more and more frightened. And when they finally saw the guy who had been shouting, they were really, really

Confused.

He smiled at them.

"What is this?" Sirius whispered to Mary. She shrugged.

"Warum sine ihr im dieser Zellen?" the man asked, still smiling. ("Why are you all in these cells?")

As if it had been their choice. Like they were gonna answer, "Oh, yeah, well, you see, we wanted to go on vacation, and we'd just heard the rave reviews about this place— and oh! what wonderful room service, and we're just loving the flea-infested hay, and the giant evil man-eating rats of death—" No. They were definitely not happy.

What really surprised the students was that this man's smile was not unkind. However, it was large. Very large. And his smile was directly in proportion to the rest of him.

His description is as follows:

It can be put no other way than obese. This guy had obviously gone on the Big Mac diet, and added in a few thousand funnel cakes. Like every other person on the planet, he had no hair.

In addition to this, he had the appearance of royalty. Although he wore no crown, he did wear many jewels and rich red robes— almost reminiscent of—

"Santa!" Sirius burst out, then clapped his hand over his mouth as Mary tried to do the same thing but only succeeded in slapping Sirius. Hard.

"OW!"

"What is wrong with you?" she hissed furiously.

"Sorry," he whispered back, rubbing his face.

"Was war dass?" the fat man asked, noticing that they had spoken, however briefly.

"Es— es tut mir leid— ich—" Mary stuttered, attempting to apologize.

"Bitte los unser gehen," Liz said weakly. ("Please let us go.")

The man threw back his head and laughed. Seeing this, his subjects looked at one another, then uncertainly started laughing with him.

"Ja, meiner Kinder!" he said jovially, looking at her. "Du und deiner Freundennen kannen verlassen— bald."

An indignant look crossed Liz's face when the man called her a child, but it quickly cleared.

"What did he say?" Remus asked Allison.

"He said, 'Yes, my child, you and your friends can leave— soon, '" Allison answered.

"We can leave!" Remus whispered happily.

"Hate to rain on your parade, Remus, but he said 'soon,'" Allison replied. "Which means not now."

Remus' joy quickly deflated. Allison thought she could hear the sound of a balloon's air being let out.

But it wasn't a balloon. I mean, come on, Peter was there.

"Whoops, sorry," came Peter's voice from the next cell. "That was me." And indeed, the smell was just reaching the noses of the other seven students.

My Merlin! Allison thought, holding her nose and waving at the air in front of her. That is truly revolting! She was startled out of her thoughts by the sound of the big fat guy starting to laugh. He said, "Machtet etwas sterben?" ("Did something die?")

"Thanks for that," Remus said to Peter.

Peter cringed.

Meanwhile, King Fat Guy had moved to where Christian and Peter were holed up together.

"Jetzt," he said to his guards, "Nimmt dieser zwei erste. Dann dieser—" he pointed to Remus and Allison— "dann dieser—" he pointed to Sirius and Mary— "dann dieser." He gestured towards Liz and Aidan.

"And… he said what?" Sirius asked Mary.

"He said to take Christian and Peter first, then Remus and Alli, then you and me, then Liz and Aidan."

"Ah."

And the guards did just that. Unlocking the doors of each of the cells, each guard took a hold of one student. Fortunately, under the instruction of King I Like Pie, the guards were gentle with the students.

They were guided out of the dungeon, but instead of returning to the room from which they had come, they were led to a different room. This room was circular, and had a Round Table, much like the one Liz and Mary had learned about in World Mythology class. Many banners and tapestries were hung on the walls, and the ceiling was in the shape of a distinct dome. King Super Size It sat down in one of the chairs and beckoned for the students to sit. He told the guards to leave.

The students hesitantly drew out chairs and sat down. King Food Is Good stared at them the whole time, smiling slightly. The students stared back warily.

After a few moments, he sighed and spoke. "Jetzt brauche ich Information. Erste: wo sine ihr?" ("I need information. First: Who are you?")

Christian swallowed, then said, "Um… Die Jungen sprechen keine Deutsch. Sprechen… sprechen Sie Englesh?" ("Um… the guys don't speak German. Do you speak English?")

King Deep Fat Fry's eyes grew wide, and he looked at the eight teens. He seemed a tiny bit frightened. However, he leaned in towards them and said quietly, "Tell no one. English be a tongue lost to most, and forbidden to all. Kzalor over this land I may be, but that will not save me from death if I be found speaking it. But I must inquire, why did'st thou not ask before?"

The students stared at him, dumbfounded. His English was almost flawless (though a bit old-fashioned), and he seemed so… harmless! Well, unless he sat on you. That wouldn't be harmless. That would be extremely painful. But anyway…

"You mean, all this time…" Sirius stood up, and his chair clattered behind him as it fell. "All this time, you and your little— your bloody little henchmen out there spoke English—" his voice rose a little— "And no one cared to tell us?"

"You must understand, my young liege, we knew not!" said King Never Saw A Treadmill. "In addition to this, most of the people of Northern Icaea know no language save their own: Deutscha. And four of you seem to know a bit of Deutscha as well," he added, smiling again.

"Northern Icaea," Liz said to Mary, who was sitting next to her. "And he says they speak Deutscha, not Deutsch."

"Northern Icaea… that must be the country or whatever," Mary said quietly to Liz. "But what bloody planet are we on?"

They were interrupted by King Twenty-five Chins. "What say'st thou, children?" he asked, looking directly at them.

Liz and Mary looked at each other, then at him.

"We have a question," they chorused.

King Mmm Food raised his eyebrows. "Oh?" he asked. "Speak your query, then."

Taking that as an "Okay, ask away", Liz immediately asked, "What planet are we on?"

"We, my friend," King Clogged Arteries replied proudly, "be on Planet Noæh." (Noæh is pronounced 'No-ee-uh.')

Stares from the students. Stares all around.

King Heart Attack Just Waiting to Happen sighed and said, "Yes, well, I suppose that that name means nothing to you. Let me recount to you a tale… a tale of this land, evil deeds, and why you are here. You see, we have been expecting you."

At this, a collective gasp went around the group.

"This is exactly like in those science fiction books," Sirius whispered proudly to Christian. "You know, 'we come in peace.' 'Well, we've been expecting you.' Just like in the books." She stared at him for a second, then asked with a straight face, "You can read?"

"Well," King Watch My Jowls Quiver continued, "Not exactly you eight."

"Nine!" Sirius said defensively, turning his attention from Christian's mean statement to King Size Candy Bar. "There are nine!"

"What?" King Kindred of Elephants asked. "I see only eight. There be nine?" Then to himself, he muttered, "Yes, yes, that would be right…" Then he said to the students, "The ninth! Where be the ninth?"

"He was taken by your bloody kidnappers!" Sirius said a bit too shrilly. However, King Buns of Lard simply looked at him, as if considering him. (Not in a perverted way. I promise, King Mmm Food is not a pedophile.)

"I see," he said to Sirius after a moment. "And, prithee, why was your companion taken?"

Sirius stared, confused.

What did 'prithee' mean?

Christian, realizing that Sirius' lack of a functioning brain was impeding his thought process, answered for him. "We don't know. Your… your people were leading us here, and they just kind of rode off without him. We haven't seen him since," she added wearily, suddenly feeling very tired.

"Well, we'll simply have to bring the young man back to us, shan't we?" King of a Thousand Tons said merrily, chins a-quiverin'.

Sirius was at a loss for words. Why was this guy being so nice? Hadn't he been the one who ordered them captured and James taken and the others thrown into cells and not given anything worth eating and then screamed down the hall at his servant gits and sounded like a bloody tyrant and then summoned them here probably to tell them that they were gonna die and—

"Sirius!" Remus hissed in his ear. "Sit down." He did.

King Carbs-a-Lot yanked a green silk-like ribbon that was hanging from the ceiling. A bell rang a distance away, and almost immediately two spear-bearing, tattooed, loin-cloth-wearing men ran in. They knelt down, heads bowed.

Christian leaned over to Liz and Mary and whispered, "Mansluts!"

The two servants asked simultaneously, "Yes, lord?"

King Calories A-Countin' said, "Dieser Jungen erzähle mich dass seiner Freund ist misgär. Bitte bringt er hier. Geht jetzt."

Once the servants left, King Bouncing Buns said, "I told them that—"

"—that the boy told you his friend was missing and that they should bring him here," Allison said. "Yeah, we know."

Suddenly the doors flew open with a resounding crash! The same two servants as before led a bedraggled, tired, and bald boy in, then immediately dropped him and left.

James.

Sirius jumped up again and shouted, "JAMES! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL HAPPENED TO YOU? ARE YOU ALIVE? WHERE'VE YOU BLOODY BEEN? ARE YOU BLOODY ALIVE? WHERE'S YOUR BLOODY HAIR?"

James sat down, slowly, exhaustedly. For a moment he said nothing. Then he slowly looked at Sirius, looked at everyone else, felt his hairless head, and said quite stoutly, "WTF, mate?"

Sirius laughed, happy to know that at least some of his old friend was back, and said, "We don't know either, actually."

King Sausage Legs said, "Yes, young man, where hast thou been?"

James looked at him. "Why do you talk all funn—"

Remus made an odd noise, interrupting James and preventing him from stupidly insulting King Overblown Orca. James looked at Remus questioningly, and Remus shook his head slightly. Apparently James figured it out, because he hesitated only a few more seconds, then continued, "… I don't know. The only thing I remember is that… they gave me…" He squinted as if trying to remember. "They gave me water or something… and then I fell asleep… and I woke up once, when they were cutting off my hair, but I couldn't move. My hair is gone! Why'd they do that?"

King Fat Pie said, "Yes, yes, we'll have to take care of that on you other children also…"

"Wait, you mean you're gonna chop off our hair, too?" Mary asked incredulously.

"Well, of course," King Chubby Chub Chub said. "Hair is forbidden."

"WHAT?" Liz exclaimed. "WHY?"

"It is most sacred, of course," answered King Buckets o' Lard as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Why else would all of our tapestries in this palace be woven of hair?"

"Like… animal hair, right?" Christian asked queasily, not really wanting to hear the answer.

"HA HA HA!" King Belly o' Jelly laughed uproariously. "Of course not! Human hair is most sacred."

"Wait… so… this is all human hair?" Remus asked, pointing to the tapestries on the wall."

"Naturally. So be the chairs which thou sitst upon."

A simultaneous "AAAH!" rose from the students as each one jumped out of his or her chair. Peter squealed loudly.

King Fatty McFat Pie looked at them in confusion. "Be the sacred hair frightening to my young lieges?"

"Um, it's just that… we're not really used to it, that's all," Remus said.

"Well, it only makes sense that the sacred traditions which thou holdst where thou com'st from are different than ours of Noæh. After all, you are from a very… very long distance away. Perhaps even a very distant time."

At this, the nine students began to look at each other uneasily.

"But," continued King Big 'n' Not Sexy, "thou hast not given me a chance to finish— nor begin, for that matter— my tale. If you would." He pointed to the floor, obviously gesturing for them to sit. They did so.

King Can't Walk Up A Flight Of Stairs opened his mouth to begin, but Mary interrupted, "Wait!"

King In Desperate Need of Gastric Bypass Surgery said, "Yes, my child?"

She muttered, "I'm not a child," but no one heard except Christian. Then, more loudly, she asked bluntly, "What the heck is your name?"

"I," he began proudly, "be Bythaes. Kzalor Bythaes. Kzalor be equivalent to what other countries call 'Emperor' or 'Ruler.' Now may'st I begin?" (Kzalor Bythaes is pronounced 'Kzahloor Bytheez.')

"Um, yeah, sure," Mary said uncertainly.

"Thank'st thou forever." He took a deep breath, then plunged into his tale.

"Now, in the beginning, there was nothing. Then Kal, mightiest of gods, said, 'Let there be Light.' And there was still nothing, but now you could see it."

"Uh… Kzalor Bythaes?" Sirius said, pronouncing the words with difficulty. "Can we just skip to the part where we come in?"

Although Bythaes looked slightly put out, he said, "Certainly. Let us skip to a time about 60 revolutions ago."

"What's a… what's a revolution?" Remus asked.

"The time it take'st this planet to orbit once around the sun."

"Oh, so it's like a year!" James burst out, pleased with himself.

"I suppose. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to be continuing my tale now."

James muttered something about no one appreciating his genius, but stayed quiet.

"Yes, thanks be to thee, kind sir," Bythaes said with a hint of sarcasm. But before James could do anything but look outraged, he continued, "Yes, now, where were we? About 60 revolutions ago— years, if'st thou please.

"Now, Noæh was revered as the most peaceful planet in the galaxy. There was general peace among the many kingdoms of Noæh, and it had always been a well-run, orderly planet. Certainly, some were better off than others, but no one went home hungry, and all were able to live with a fair amount of luxury.

"However, about this time, sixty revolutions ago, Planet Noæh began to fall into discord. Though ere this time there had been minor fighting among the smaller kingdoms, it had always been settled within a month or two. But now, Noæh was becoming— well, children, worse. Larger fights were beginning to break out among the more powerful kingdoms, and famine was spreading planet-wide. The harmonious peace that had once been Noæh's pride was no more.

"Many searched for an answer. Scholars and alchemists, priests and warriors, rulers and farmers— all looked for the answer that had'st to be found. Then, on one cold winter morning, a poet by the name of Hraldin came across a bit of parchment in the gypsy Gyara's archives. It bore only this poem:

'When kingdoms split
as earth and sky
have previously done,

And man kills man
And demons fly
And once-strong warriors run;

When hope seems gone
Then know'est thou
The nine will surely come.

But when'st they 'rive
Noæh, know!
Their powers great and well;

For each has one
And when combined
Not one can e'er be fell.'"

The students stood spellbound, captivated by the steady rhythm of Bythaes' voice.

He shook them out of it by asking, "Do any of thee know'est what it means?" Without waiting for an answer, he explained, "Gyara wrote that when the world begins to come undone, something will come to help. Well, nine somethings, to be exact. But there is also a warning. These nine beings will each have a great power— a power that all people should'st be wary of, for this power could destroy them." He sighed. "That was nearly fifty years ago, when'st this parchment was found. Gyara wrote it nearly twenty years ere that date— ten years before the kingdoms began to fall apart."

The students stared at him. "And this applies to us… how?" Remus asked.

"Thou hast not yet figured it out?" the Kzalor asked in surprise. Looking at the nine heads shaking 'no,' he took a deep breath and said, "We believe that you be those nine, and that you be here to help us."

The students stared. Again.

So, what did you think? Wanna know what I think? 'Course ya do. I think that the plot is finally going somewhere. Slowly, I'll concede, but it's getting there. I'm really happy because Liz was like, "UPDATE!" again, and now I finally did! (Haha, Liz, just kidding!) Both stories, in fact. Well there ya go. Happy now? If not, too bad. I laugh at your pain! HA HA HA! And how 'bout my mad poetry skills? Yes I did write that myself. I'm so proud because it actually RHYMES! Go me!

Oh yeah and one more thing: What do you guys think of King Bythaes? Kzalor, King, whatever, you get my point. Is he obnoxious, annoying, funny, stupid, or just not really believable? Suggestions as to how to make 'my' (stay away, stupid copyright goblins!) characters more believable are greatly appreciated. Have a nice life!