Disclaimer: I do not own FMA. It owns me.


---Dreaming of You---

"You owe me for this one, colonel," said Edward Elric with a smug smirk.

"Hearing you say that makes a chill run down my spine..." replied the flame alchemist, Colonel Roy Mustang, as he sat behind his desk, organizing the many papers and forms that covered it into different piles. Edward had just stopped a group of terrorists from hijacking a train and that's why he was here now; he had done something good for others and therefore expected something back in return. Equivalent exchange. It seemed to not only apply to alchemeny but to everything else as well. For example, Roy thought, as he finally put down his papers and looked up at Ed, Edward might be pretty short, but in exchange, he is also pretty sexy. Things even out. Banishing the thought, he cleared his throat and took on an authoritive voice.

"All right. What do you want?"

"You sure get to the point," Ed said cheerfully, rising from his seat. He walked up in front of Roy's desk and, in one swift motion, swept all the stuff right off it. Surprised, Roy gaped as Ed climbed up onto his desk, threw off his red coat, and sat on his knees, his face just inches away from Roy's.

"I want you, colonel," he breathed.

"Can do, Fullmetal" answered Roy. They leaned forward, their lips getting closer and closer and then...

"NOOOOOOOOOO!"

Ed sat up in his bed, panting and clutching the ends of his blanket for dear life. He looked around the dark room wildly: end table holding a flower vase, window with the curtians drawn, his things sitting in the corner...no one in his bed... He heaved a huge sigh of relief; he was in his hotel room, and everything was okay.

"Big brother, is everything okay?" It was Al, standing in the doorway, looking as concerned as much as a gaint suit of armor could possibly be. "I thought I heard you scream."

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine. I just had a bad dream, that's all," Ed quickly reassured his brother, although his voice shook despite himself. "A really, really bad dream. One of the scariest freakin' nightmares I've ever had. But I'm fine. After all, it was just a dream." Thank God, he added silently, even though he was an aethiest and didn't believe in God. (Well, he had to thank someone. That was a close call.)

"You know, Ed, it was probably from all that cake you had before you went to bed," Al suggested. "They say that eating right before you go to sleep can cause bad dreams."

"Figures. I knew having five slices of that triple-chocolate devil's food cake would come back to haunt me. Just not literally." Ed sighed and laid back down on his bed, pulling the covers up to his chin. "Sorry about that, Al. I'll being going back to sleep now. See ya in the morning."

"Okay. Good night, big brother."

"Good night," Ed called, as Al left and shut the door behind him. Only it wasn't a good night at all. He tried to fall back asleep, but everytime he closed his eyes, the horrible mental images of the nightmare replayed in his mind. Instead, he ended up staring at the ceiling for the rest of the night to keep them away. Go-go triple-chocolate devil's food cake, he thought irratitably.

--------------

After a tiring day of hard work (more tiring than usual, due to the lack of sleep the night before), Edward was ready for a well deserved night's rest. And this time, he was prepared; he made sure to not eat anything in the last three hours. Confident, he eagerly went to bed and fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was dreaming again, but since it was a dream, he wasn't aware that it was a dream and wouldn't be until he woke up from his dream.

He was outside, on a paved street, surrounded by buildings. It was a city, Central perhaps, or maybe just a bunch of pieces of other random cities thrown together. It didn't really matter. It was just a vague backdrop for the actual focus of the dream, which was Ed battling it out with Envy.

A normal enough dream, Ed would have thought with satisfaction, if he knew that it was a dream. A good one too; he was kicking Envy's ass.

But all good things come to an end. After being knocked over by what would have been a fatal blow, Envy sprang up and suddenly appeared right in front of Ed, completely unhurt. There was a pause and they each looked deeply into another's eyes. That's right. Deeply.

"You know," said Envy, in that hissing voice of his, "I don't really mean to kill you. I just attack you all the time because...because I love you!"

"Really? I love you too! Oh, Envy!" cried Ed.

"Oh, Ed!" cried Envy.

"Oh, shit!" cried the readers of this fanfic. (Who's comment shall be ignored, as that would be breaking the fourth wall. Sorry guys.)

And then Envy flun his arms around Ed and kissed him full on the lips. It was one of those long, passionate kisses, the kind they show a lot in chick flicks, which you eventually have to fastforward through because it takes forever for the couple to finally stop sucking face. Only poor Ed wasn't watching a chick flick. He couldn't fastforward his dream. (Considering the circumstances, he probably wouldn't want to.) And Dream Ed was enjoying the kiss, since Dream Ed was in love with Dream Envy, and so he wouldn't want to blow his brains out until after he woke up. Which, unfortunately, happend too late, as he had already witnessed the kissing for five minutes straight. Only then did he finally manage to wake himself.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Again, he looked around to make sure he was really in his room and awake now, which he both was. And again, he heaved a huge sigh of relief that it was only a dream.

Damn it, he thought, All that fasting had been for nothing! This dream was worse than the last one! I actually got to the kissing part! And there was, he shuddered, ...tounge action.

It greatly disturbed him that his dream was vidid enough for him to remember that part. Now he couldn't stop twitching.

"Big brother, what's wrong?" came Al's voice from the doorway. "Did you have another bad dream?"

"Bad doesn't even begin to cover it," Ed replied. "I don't get it! I didn't eat anything for hours! Why didn't that work?"

"Well," Al mused, "Maybe it was something else. Maybe there was something on your mind that you kept thinking about before you went to bed. Sometimes your thoughts get expressed in your sub-conscious mind through dreaming."

"Yeah," said Ed, perking up. "Yeah, that makes sense." He had been thinking the homunculi and their evil schemes earlier before he fell asleep. Of course he would dream about it. True, the last part was really weird, but lots of dream are, right?

Still, after Al had left and Ed laid back down, he couldn't get back to sleep. Or rather, he didn't want to risk it. He could give it another day before he fell asleep again. That way, the following night, he would be so tired that he wouldn't have the energy to even dream at all. It was a flawless plan, even though it really sucked. Ed grumbled and kept his eyes wide open.

--------------

All right. Bring it on, he was ready! Ed didn't eat anything all day, he somehow managed to keep his mind blank for the majority of the time, and he was dead tired. He barely even made it to bed that night and passed out as soon as he got there.

And he didn't dream, as according to plan. No dreams whatsoever. Ed got to sleep a dreamless sleep.

For a while, anyway.

Because then, unexpectedly (although he didn't know it was unexpectedly, as he was dreaming), Ed was admiring none other than the shirtless Alex Louis Armstrong's chest.

"Oh, mister Armstrong, you have such great muscles," he sighed, very much like a lovesick teenaged girl. "Can I...touch them?"

"Of course, young Edward," boomed Armstrong, "You can touch anywhere you wa--"

"GAHHHHHHHH! NO, DAMMIT, NOOOOOOO!"

"Oh no, not again? Ack! Ed, stop that!" Al rushed in to restrain his older brother from continuing banging his head against the wall.

"Why, Al, why?" he moaned, "Why do I keep having these dreams?"

Al steered him back to his bed and sat him down. "I'm not sure, big brother. Maybe your sub-conscious is trying to tell you something," he offered. Which was the wrong thing to say, but Al didn't know what Ed had been dreaming about.

"It had better be not trying to tell me something!" Ed snapped, not at Al but at his sub-conscious. (I think.)

Because the only thing those dreams could possibly be trying to tell him was that he was apparently homosexual and didn't know it. And Ed wasn't too keen on that.

"I am not gonna let myself have any dreams ever again!" he declared.

"But how are you going to that, Ed?" asked Al.

"Simple. I just have to stay awake," he answered flatly.

"For the rest of my entire life..."


A/N: I feel so evil. I'm so sorry, Ed! I was seriously laughing the entire time I wrote this though. I don't know why; I guess writing those wacky yaoi dreams unnerved me. I've never written any yaoi stuff before, and for good reason. Hee-hee.

Believe it or not, the first four lines of dialouge was taken straight from the beginging of volume two of the FMA manga. (The stuff that came after it, though, was completey fabricated, as I hope you very well know.)

I don't understand why anyone would write a serious fic with these pairings. First of all, can you say "pedophile"? Ed's only fifteen. Roy's probably in his twenties, early thrirties. Alex Armstrong's even older. And Envy is like four hundred years old or something, and not to mention Ed's half-brother. (Technically.) And second of all, it's just wrong, on so many levels. So I had to go and poke fun at yaoi-pairings. That's the only thing you can with it.

Well, I hope you got a laugh outta it. Ed probably didn't, but he's fictional, so it's all good.