Tom Bombadil—a short tale
Saraman and James Norrington
One day, Tom Bombadil decided to go shopping for boots.
"Oh, Tom Bombadil-o!" sang Tom. "Da-la-la-la! Tom Bombadil-o! He's a lucky fellow!"
He began to hop, skip, and dance. When Tom reached the store, a sales representative (why can't I just say "salesman"? My computer is like, "Blah-blah-blah! No gender-specific language!") greeted him.
"Nice to meet ya!" boomed Tom, felling the salesman (Ha-ha! Uh-oh, the computer is getting angry) with a solid punch.
"Ooo…," said Tom, "he didn't see that one coming!"
Grabbing his new yellow boots off a nearby shelf, Tom danced out of the store, wreathed in a profusion of sparkles, the "Bilbo's birthday party" music playing eerily in the background.
"Oh, I'm a lucky fellow!" sang Tom again. He accidentally ran right into Frodo.
"Look at my new yellow boots!" cried Tom, excitedly.
"Hey, you didn't pay for those!" yelled a clerk. Tom didn't listen. He just twirled his red hat feather and donned the boots. Then, he departed the storefront with his prize.
On his way home, Tom gathered some water lilies for Goldberry.
"What?" said Goldberry, staring at him as if he had just grown a third nostril. "I asked for doughnuts, and you come traipsing home with lilies and horrid yellow boots! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"
Without warning, a gargantuan meteor plummeted from the sky and crushed Tom's house.
"Oh, well," sighed Tom. "At least I still have my yellow boots!" He grabbed one of his boots and kissed it.
Once this bizarre, sick and somewhat disturbing inclination had passed, Tom strode gaily into the thickest parts of the old forest near his home (or what used to be his home). Upon reaching his destination, he was set upon by Old Man Willow. They fought for days, but Tom finally prevailed by going stark crazy and uprooting the violence-fanatical tree. Tom then chopped him into firewood. After he had built a roaring bonfire, he was confronted by a Wild Man.
"Strange fat white man make big fire; me no like. You scare Wild Man's game."
"You want some cheese?" offered Tom cordially.
"No, Wild Man no eat cheese! Wild Man eat cheese, no poo for many suns!"
"Oh."
Tom turned around and danced into the sunset, singing: "Oh…Tom Bombadil-o! Nice to meet ya! Oh…didn't see that one coming!"
Finis
