Title comes from the song Trees, by the Oh Hellos. The last line of the song is: "but heartache pales in comparison of love".

TW: Slut-shaming in Miriam's POV from a Karen. Talk of depression, and some general melancholy thoughts from Finn during his POV. Guy's had a rough life, people.


MIRIAM

"How are you doing since our last session?"

Morning light filled the space, reflecting off the glass coffee table and providing heat to the office room. The coffee table had a circle of lit candles on it, but the flames of the candle did not move with the wind that came in through the open window; the flames were supernaturally still. Two cream colored couches sat on either side of the coffee table, and both were decorated with sage and black pillows. Miriam sat on one, and Doctor Goldie Martin sat on the other. The walls of the room were a pale green, and were decorated with floral paintings. One wall was lined with bookshelves that bulged under the weight of the books. The room always smelled heavily of lavender and lemon.

"I'm doing okay," Miriam shrugged. "The week's been busy. The Lamberts are preparing to move into their new house, so I've been babysitting the kids."

"How is that?"

"They're good kids. Coco is a bossy big sister, and the twins have no respect for her self-perceived authority," Miriam chuckled. "And I like watching them. I babysat in high school, so it kind of feels familiar, like I'm home again."

"'Home'?" Goldie questioned. "Is the Hearth not home for you?"

"It's becoming home," Miriam allowed. "'Home' has been such a fluid concept for me during these last couple of years."

"That's perfectly understandable," Goldie said. "You have moved a lot these past few years. Before living in Roanoke, you had quite the journey. You were in Arizona, then in Virginia with Baahir, then alone, then with Elijah, June, and August. Now you are living in the Hearth with more people than you have ever lived with in your entire life. I know we have broached this subject before, but are there any issues with your living situation?"

Miriam shook her head. "Nothing serious. Maddox ate the last of Jenna's favorite cereal and forgot to buy more, Laura scratched her initials into an antique table that is older than our country, and Jeremy and TJ accidently broke a window in the dining room. There hasn't been any fighting in the house, and if there are any serious problems between people, I am unaware."

"That's good. If anything changes, I encourage you to be honest with your housemates," Goldie advised. "You are allowed to be honest, with yourself and with others. Honesty is important in relationships, regardless of the romantic intent in that relationship. You need to be as honest with Jeremy as you are with Caroline, and as honest with Klaus as you are with August. You cannot keep your emotions bottled in, because that is not healthy to your body, or healthy to your relationships."

"Honesty is becoming easier for me," Miriam said, "but I am struggling with the selfishness that we talked about last week. I feel, well, selfish, for demanding time or space."

"You are not selfish for needing time or space," Goldie corrected. "You are a person with needs, not demands. We are going to change the language surrounding these concepts, Miriam. Needing to spend time with one of your mates to feel connected to him is not selfish. Neither are you selfish for needing a space that is yours, whether we are talking about a physical space, like a craft room, or metaphorical space from someone."

Miriam grimaced. "I've been so focused on my own survival, and then the wellbeing of the Mikaelsons, that it's hard for me to focus on myself."

"You told me a while ago that you were being selfish by choosing to not go to college with Jenna and Alicia," Goldie said. "I'd like to suggest that it is okay to be selfish every now and then. Do you hear me, Miriam? It's okay to be selfish, especially when it comes to your mental health."

Miriam took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "That's going to be difficult."

"I never promised easy," Goldie said with a laugh. "I promised to give you tools that will help you get through challenging times, and to help you accept that you deserve good times. Right now you are in a good time. You are safe and cared for, and it is okay to want more of that."

"I do want more of that," Miriam admitted.

"That's good," Goldie praised. "Admitting your wants and needs is a good thing, Miriam. That is what I want you to do this week: admit your wants and needs to the people around you. If you want to go on a walk through town with Jenna, tell her that. If you want to play video games with the boys, tell them that. If you want to spend time with your mates, tell them that. Be honest and be selfish with your wants and needs."

The two women talked for a little longer about other topics, like Miriam's response to the menstruation treatment that Greta put her on, her feelings about her changing body, and what she wanted to feel like in her body. When their time was up, Goldie shifted in her seat and took off her glasses.

"I think that went well," she said as she settled into the cushioned couch. "How do you feel?"

"I feel fine," Miriam replied. "We touched on everything I wanted to talk about today."

"Good. Then I will see you next week, at the same time."

"I'll be there… well, in spirit," Miriam grinned at her joke.

Goldie rolled her eyes. "We'll work on your witch humor next week," and she leaned over the coffee table, where the supernaturally still lit candles sat. She took a deep breath and chanted. Miriam's vision blurred, and it felt like sand was in her eyes. She rubbed at her eyes and blinked rapidly.

When she opened her eyes again, she was looking at the interior of her bedroom, not Goldie's office.

Magic was useful for a multitude of things, Miriam had discovered. Goldie lived in Denver, Colorado, which was an unfeasible commute for both of them to make weekly. So to be able to talk, the two women lit magical candles that would project Miriam's form into Goldie's office. While the spell was activated, Miriam felt like she was actually in Goldie's office, sitting on her comfy couches. In reality, she was sitting in a comfy chair in her room, a circle of lit candles on her floor.

Now that the spell was broken, the flames on the candles flickered. Miriam stood up, stretched her lazy limbs, then blew the candles out.

It had been roughly two weeks since the Lambert family had barreled their way into town and into Miriam's circle of protected people. Keith had finished his remaining time with his company, and had returned to Roanoke only two days previous. The family was preparing to move into the house that Janet, the mayor's wife, had found for them. It was a nice sized house, with four bedrooms and a two-car garage. It was in the same neighborhood that Pilar and Laura lived in, and was only a twenty minute drive to the Hearth.

As the school year began in earnest, routines were beginning to be established. Keelin would visit on the weekends if her workload permitted it. The teenagers would return to their various homes after school and begin their mentorships. Caroline would spend time with the Mikaelsons, learning about vampire lore, fight training, and working on her vampire skills. Luka spent his time with the witches, learning more magic and honing his magical abilities. TJ was interested in politics, and would shadow his aunt the mayor as she handled human and werewolf crises. Jeremy bounced from group to group, learning everything he could about the supernatural communities. The adults helped the teenagers learn, but they also worked, protected the city, and set plans in motion to aid the Mikaelson cause.

Dr. Martin was still in New Orleans, attempting to help the coven there find a way to set Freya free. They had figured out a spell that would get her coffin out of the Dowager Fauline Cottage, without releasing any of the other inhabitants. The new problem was collecting all of the rare ingredients for the spell. The Mikaelsons were calling contacts from all over the world in order to get the specialized list. Apparently it would take a couple of weeks to gather everything.

There was a lot going on, and Miriam felt a rising need to volunteer for multiple things. She could watch the kids, or help make dinner, or read old magical tomes and grimoires. She could throw herself into tasks, with no concern for herself… or she could do what she really wanted to do: take a nap.

I can be selfish with my mental health, she repeated in her head.

And so, with only a twinge of guilt in her stomach, she climbed onto her bed and took a nap.


A hand, gentle and slow, was stroking up her back to her arm, and then back down again. The motion was soothing, and it kept Miriam from fully waking. Words, spoken low, were murmured in a different language. Miriam was not awake enough to translate the words, but the tone led her to believe that the words were good.

Reluctantly, Miriam blinked open her eyes.

Kol was laying next to her on her bed, looking more relaxed than she had ever seen him. His dark eyes were open and gentle and unguarded, which was a rarity for Mikaelsons.

"Hello, darling," he grinned.

"Hi," she grinned sleepily back.

There was space between them, and Miriam didn't want space, she wanted Kol close. So for the second time that day she chose to be selfish, and closed the distance. She snuggled into Kol's side and pressed her face into his chest, which was rising and falling rapidly. His arms froze around her, and his body went rigid.

"Is this okay?" she whispered. "I can move, if this is making you uncomfortable."

"No-o!" his voice cracked in his eagerness, and he cleared his throat in response. He repeated, much calmer, "No. No, I like this. Stay, please."

His arms wrapped around her body and pulled her tightly to him. She could feel his ragged breath on her forehead, and under her ear his heart thumped furiously.

Miriam took note of his response, but said nothing. She did not want to break the fragile moment they had created together. So instead she just burrowed deeper into his arms and let sleep wash over her once again.


When Miriam woke up for the second time Kol was still there. The light in the room had barely changed, so she assumed that her nap hadn't lasted for more than an hour. She rolled away from Kol and stretched. Kol sat up as well, his clothes just as wrinkled as hers, and on his cheek was an indent from the pillow he had been laying on. A quick glance at the clock on her nightstand informed her that it was still early afternoon.

"Do you have any plans for the rest of the day?" Miriam asked as they both climbed off of her bed.

"Greta and I are going to plant a new specimen in the courtyard greenhouse; it needs a spell to be chanted over it before it can be placed in the dirt," Kol explained.

"How long will that take?"

Kol shrugged. "A couple of hours. We have an entire row to plant, and the spell is intricate. Why do you ask?"

"Because I want to take you out on a date," Miriam said boldly.

He grinned wolfishly. "Oh, you are a demanding little thing. Do you have dastardly designs on my person, Miss Sanchez?"

"Always," she sassed back. "I want to take you into town, so dress casually. Does six o'clock work, Mr. Mikaelson?"

"Six is fine. I look forward to it. I will see you then, Miri," Kol kissed her cheek, then sped out of the room.

She rolled her eyes at the blatant display of vampire powers. She pulled one of her knitting projects out of the pile that had formed on a chair in the corner and made her way downstairs to the living room. The sounds of other inhabitants of the Hearth moving around soothed Miriam as she sat down on one of the couches and began to work on the sweater in front of her.

And so Miriam's afternoon passed in peaceful bliss.


At five o'clock Miriam began to get ready. She showered, styled her hair (protected from the water by a cap), changed, and applied her make-up. With her new Mikaelson money, Miriam had purchased a plethora of make-up that matched her skin tone. Drugstore make-up rarely had darker shades- most make-up stores struggled with skin tone range- so she relished in the ability to buy high-end products in her own shade. As a teenager she hadn't been overly fond of make-up; her abuela had been of the mind that only 'loose' girls wore an excessive amount of make-up, and all of Miriam's favorite female main characters were praised for rejecting femininity. But now, as an adult who realized it was okay to embrace being girly, Miriam enjoyed the stuff. She liked the process of getting ready. She liked the feeling of feeling pretty.

She dressed in a simple outfit of heeled boots, jeans, a short-sleeved blouse, and minimal jewelry. With a giant clip she put her hair into a bun at the back of her head in order to keep her hair off of her neck; the days were still hot and humid, and her hair generated too much heat if it was allowed to be free.

Pleased with her appearance, and feeling pretty, Miriam turned away from her mirror, grabbed her purse, and went out in search of Kol.

She found him in his room, looking at his reflection in his own mirror. His hair was styled, though not to the extent that Elijah preferred. He wore an open short-sleeved button-up dark blue shirt with a lighter blue t-shirt underneath. He was in a pair of simple jeans and wore a pair of high tops on his feet. He looked young, like a person who was actually twenty, rather than an immortal being.

"Hey, handsome," she teased as she leaned against the doorway. "You ready to go?"

He flashed across the room towards her, stopping less than an inch away from her. She flinched backwards, cursing as he chuckled. He steadied her, then offered her his arm.

"I'm ready, darling. Your car or mine?"

Miriam beamed up at him and allowed him to lead her to the garage.

In no time at all they were in her car, driving into town. The days were hot and muggy, and the nights even more so. But people in the South were built different, and refused to be cowed by something as trivial as weather. The citizens of Roanoke roamed around the town, enjoying their Sunday evening by visiting the restaurants, theaters, shops, and the like.

Miriam found a parking spot with ease, and soon the couple was walking down the sidewalk. The delicious scent of barbeque floated through the air, along with similarly scrumptious smells like greasy burgers, fried food, and pizza. The sounds of chatter and laughter filled the street. Despite it being Sunday night, the place was pleasantly crowded. Families filled the patio space of restaurants, couples walked in and out of bars, and children mobbed the ice cream store. Miriam led Kol past some of the bigger restaurants to a bar on the corner.

The bar was more of a restaurant with a large selection of alcoholic drinks. The atmosphere was friendly. The food smelled good. The service was quick; within only a few minutes Miriam and Kol were seated in more of the 'bar' area of the establishment.

"I just wanted to let you know that tonight is trivia night," their waitress said as they sat down. "It's starting in ten minutes, and it might get a little loud in here, if you want to be seated on the patio."

"No, this is fine," Miriam assured her. "We're actually here for trivia night."

"Great! I'll tell the coordinator, and get you some drinks- after I see your ID."

They both showed her their (fake, Elijah-produced IDs that lied about their real birth years) and ordered their drinks and an appetizer. After the waitress left, Kol turned to Miriam, an eyebrow raised.

"Trivia?"

"It'll be fun!"

"Darling, I have never been interested in human culture. Too boring and lacking in magic and murder," he said, laughter in his voice.

She rolled her eyes. "You haven't existed all these years in a vacuum of 'magic and murder'. There's got to be some human culture that has permeated your elitist head."

"Maybe," he allowed, "but I have been daggered for the last century. Who's to say that we will win this trivia tournament with my lack of knowledge surrounding current human culture?"

Miriam playfully nudged Kol. "Don't be a downer. We'll beat each and every one of these assholes, just you see!"


They did not beat a single asshole that night.

Miriam and Kol did the worst of the ten teams that were playing trivia. Kol knew nothing of culture from the last one hundred years, and Miriam did only slightly better than he did. She could get a few of the pop culture ones, but even then she didn't know much (she guessed correctly on what song was Madonna's first hit, but couldn't name all of the Beatles). But their low score didn't matter, because they both had a blast losing.

They laughed over their ridiculous guesses as they ate their burgers and fries. The food was decent, but it was the company that Miriam was after. She liked watching Kol smile and laugh. For the first time since she met him, Kol actually looked like the young man he was supposed to be. In his modern clothes, drinking a beer and laughing at the wild answers for 'what body part did Vincent van Gogh cut off', Miriam could almost believe he was a college student.

Not for the first time Miriam cursed Mikael and Esther for damaging their children. Kol should have a young man enjoying his life. He could have been a fantastic witch. He could have gotten married, had a few kids. He could have had the world at his feet, but instead his god-awful parents took away his option to be human.

Miriam had a limited number of people that she truly hated, but Mikael and Esther were at the top of her short list.

The two of them wandered out of the bar two hours later, bellies full and cheeks sore from laughing so often. Miriam noticed that the ice cream shop was still open, and luckily the majority of the kids had left. She was still holding firm to her vow to be more selfish, and at that moment she wanted to get ice cream with her mate.

"What flavor is your favorite?" Miriam asked as they entered the sweet-smelling store.

"I will try anything, but I am particularly fond of the decadence of chocolate flavors," Kol admitted. "And you?"

"I like a lot of the flavors, but the tart ones are my favorite. Ooh, they have an orange-flavored one! I'm getting that one," Miriam declared. She and Kol ordered, then took their dessert and slowly walked through the busy sections of the town.

"This has been fun," Kol admitted as he took a rather obscene lick of his dark chocolate ice cream cone.

Miriam valiantly ignored the pornographic image next to her and instead playfully bumped into him. "I knew you would! It's fun to be a young, carefree adult sometimes. We deserve to drink cheap beer and eat greasy food and play trivia with a bunch of strangers in a bar."

"We deserve the world, Miri," Kol said firmly, though a touch of humor still decorated his face. "We deserve every bit of happiness we can steal."

"We do," Miriam agreed. A thought came to her then, and she spent the next few minutes debating whether or not to mention it.

"What is it?" Kol finally asked. "I can tell you want to ask me something."

"I do…" Miriam said slowly, "but I don't want to upset you."

"Ask anyway, damn the consequences," Kol challenged. He smirked, "That is what I do with Nik and 'Lijah."

Miriam rolled her eyes. "And you wonder why you get daggered so often."

"I get daggered because my brothers are jealous of my good looks," he quipped. "But I digress. Ask your question, darling."

"In my world, after a series of unfortunate circumstances, your soul is placed into the body of a witch. Would… would you like that? Would you want to be a witch again?" She asked hesitantly.

Kol slowed his stride, but did not seem to be too upset.

"The thought of having magic again is… tempting," he finally said. "To reconnect with that part of my soul which is gone…Miriam, I will never feel magic thrum through this body again. Unlike Nik, my magic was permanently locked away from me. To get that magic back, even in another body, is a seductive thought."

"But?"

"But now is not the time to think about such things," he said reluctantly. "We need to focus on reuniting Freya with our family, and destroying a few key enemies. Maybe after I will consider such a proposal."

"I want you to be happy," Miriam said sadly. "You shouldn't have to give up your happiness for the rest of us. Like you said, we deserve the world."

"I am not 'giving up' my happiness," Kol refuted. "I am postponing the thought. I am not Elijah. I do not give every little bit of myself in service to my brothers. I am not Finn, who needlessly tortured himself for centuries. I am my own person, and I will scheme and plan until I can get what I want. But," he took another lick of his ice cream, "I understand the sense in staying in this body. This body is hard to kill, and very, very strong. A human witch is much easier to kill. Right now I need to be unkillable. Magic can come later. I've lived many lifetimes without magic; I can wait a few more years."

"That is shockingly well-reasoned," Miriam noted, with suspicion in her voice.

He shrugged. "I am not the hot-head my brothers make me out to be- or, at least not all the time," he amended at her raised eye-brow. "Your safety, and the well-being of this family comes before my attempt at having magic again. I may be impulsive, but I will not jeopardize your life in pursuit of my own desires."

"Just promise me you won't go down the self-sacrificing path that Elijah has chosen." Miriam's words were serious, but she tried to infuse them with enough teasing to get him to smile.

It worked. A smile lit up his face, and the mischievous look overtook the seriousness that had shadowed his face during their serious conversation.

"Oh, darling, that will never happen," he assured her.

Hearts lighter, they continued to walk. They finished their treats, and began to walk back to Miriam's car. When they reached it, Kol pulled her to a stop next to her driver's side door.

At her questioning look, he said cheekily, "Don't your duties as the architect of this date include giving a good night kiss to me?"

She swatted him lightly. "Good night kisses are usually reserved for the last moments before the couple separates, like on a doorstep. Not before getting in the same car and going to the same house, where we both reside under the same roof. You live in the bedroom next to mine!"

He waved away her words. "Nevertheless, you owe me a kiss."

"Oh, I do?" she stepped closer and looked up at him through her eye lashes.

Kol smirked down at her. "Yes, you do."

"Well, then I must abide by the rules," she said, and before she could lose her courage, she went on her tip-toes and grabbed his shoulders. She pressed a hard kiss to his lips, and delighted in the way that he quickly opened up to her invading force. He grabbed her around the waist and spun them around, so that she was pressed up against her car. The metal was unyielding against her back, but his body was just as unbending.

Miriam wrapped her arms around his neck and sunk one hand into his hair and pulled. He groaned into her mouth and pressed harder into her. She could feel him, all of him, against her body, and it drove her crazy. She could smell him- the ever-present scent of herbs and spices that he worked with daily for the potions and spells the witches used. She could taste the bitter-sweetness of the dark chocolate he had for dessert on his tongue. I am never letting this man go, she thought deliriously.

Kol separated their mouths long enough to whisper against her lips: "You make me feel feral. You, love, are a dangerous creature."

"Less talking, more making out," Miriam said hoarsely, and pulled his face back to hers. Their lips crashed together. Their kisses were wild, fiery, and perfect. She couldn't get enough of him.

"Excuse me! Excuse me, young lady!"

A shrill female voice cut through their pleasure. Kol slowed down their kisses, but refused to disengage from her. His hands shamelessly roamed her body, and the taboo thrill that ran through her at the thought that a stranger was watching them was heady.

"Young lady!"

Miriam tore her lips from Kol's to snap: "What?!"

Their interloper was a middle-aged woman, blonde, with pursed lips and hard, disapproving eyes. Behind her stood a pair of awkward teenagers and a husband that looked entirely too interested in the scene that Kol and Miriam had created.

"You two are making a spectacle of yourselves," the woman seethed. "This is a family town. There are kids around. Innocent kids who don't need to see your hedonistic display."

"Then don't let your kids watch, lady," Miriam groused. The mood had been thoroughly killed. She pushed Kol away gently and straightened her clothes.

"You shouldn't be fornicating in public!" the woman insisted. "It is shameful, sinful, and unladylike. Only whores conduct themselves with such disgusting actions."

"What does it matter?" Kol asked with a roll of his eyes. "We were enjoying each other, and your husband seems like he was enjoying us as well."

The woman shot her husband a scathing look before turning her frosty gaze to Kol. "It is illegal to have sex in public."

Kol turned to Miriam. "Is it still illegal to fuck in the public square? Because if it is, I want to go back in the coffin until public orgies are available and mandatory for all, as well as cunnilingus classes."

The woman gasped at his vulgar language.

"Mom!" one of the teenagers hissed, embarrassed. "Let's just go!"

"No! They need to know what they're doing is wrong!" the woman declared. "I am going to call the police!"

"No, you are not," Kol snapped. He compelled the woman, "Go home. Remove the stick up your ass and become a better person. Stop sticking your nose into other people's business. Be less annoying. And tell me your address."

The woman rattled off her address.

"Good. Now go away."

The woman left, and her brow-beaten family followed her, shooting Kol confused looks as they did so.

"You cannot kill her for being annoying," Miriam said sternly the instant the family was out of hearing range.

"I can do anything I want, Miri, including public orgies," he grinned wolfishly at her.

"Don't give the mayor more work to do," Miriam insisted.

"And what do I get if I am a good boy?" Kol loomed over her.

"Do you want to be a good boy?"

"Not particularly. But I do want another one of those good-night kisses."

"Get in the car, Mr. Mikaelson, before we get arrested for public fornication," Miriam laughed and unlocked her car.

"Fornication!" Kol said in the same sharp voice the woman had used.

"Fornication!" Miriam mimicked, but she had too much laughter in her tone to be a successful Karen.

They got into her car, and she began to drive them home.

"I mean it, Kol, no murdering annoying people," Miriam repeated.

"I make no promises," he said, humor in his eyes.

"I'm telling Elijah," she sighed.

He nodded benevolently. "Do what you must." There was a quiet moment, then, "Fornication! Illegal fornication!"

The car was filled with laughter the entire car ride back to the Hearth.


FINN

Heartache gripped him, most days.

Finn could almost ignore the feeling, he was so used to it. For he had lived centuries with the knowledge that his children had never matured into adults, and that he never got to see the silver touch his wife's golden hair. He would never see his children settled with families of their own. He would never teach them to hunt, to pull magic from the ground, or to be humans who responded to kindness instead of hate. Finn loathed much of his past, and many of his decisions, but he would never resent trying to teach his children to be better people than their grandparents.

Esther and Mikael had set a less-than-stellar model for parenthood for Finn and his siblings. All they had taught their children was violence, cowardice, and fear. Finn and his wife Yrsa had struggled to break Finn of his background in the early years of their marriage. They had been young (too young, probably. But Finn had wanted to get away from Mikael, and Yrsa had been desperate to be more mature) when they married, and young people were not known to control their emotions. Finn remembered the first and only time he had raised his hand in violence to his wife.

They had been arguing over something trivial. He couldn't remember what the topic was, only that it inspired a heated exchange of words. First they had only argued passionately, then they both began to raise their voices, true anger in every word. Finn's heart had begun to race, and in a moment he would regret for the rest of his existence, he pushed Yrsa into the wall and raised his hand.

It was her eyes that broke through the red haze of anger. Her eyes were the same shade of blue as Rebekah's eyes, eyes that had seen too much violence from a man who was supposed to protect his children. As Yrsa's eyes widened in fear, he realized that he had become his father's twisted heir, continuing the violence to a new generation.

Finn had dropped his hand and collapsed to the floor in tears. Yrsa joined him with tears in her own eyes.

When they had finally stopped crying they had talked, and Finn had promised to throw away the harmful teachings of his father. He refused to raise his children in a violent home, and Yrsa refused to be a passive member. She had more courage than Esther did, and proved it by promising to unman Finn if he ever harmed her or their children.

They had four children together: Signe, Bjorn, Estrid, and Sten, two boys and two girls. Finn was sure they were blessings from the gods, a reward for refusing to pass on the domestic violence that Finn had grown up with. He and Yrsa tried to raise them to be kind to each other and to those around them. They minimized the contact that their children had with Finn's parents, though Mikael unfortunately became fond of Estrid, who he believed resembled a young Freya. To his credit, Mikael never hurt Finn's children, only his own.

And then the plague came.

Yrsa and the children all perished, along with Elijah's wife and daughter, and Niklaus's wife. Mikael and Rebekah had fallen ill as well, though Esther was able to protect them from death. The rest of the village had been heavily impacted as well, and the additional loss of friends and some of Yrsa's family sent Finn spiraling into a deep depression.

Henrik died not too long after, and his death was the final straw for Mikael. The man had lost his entire legacy to a disease, and lost his replacement Freya in the process. He wanted to fix his legacy, and thus the vampire curse was forced upon Finn. He supposed that vampirism was the gods' way of punishing Mikael for all of his misdeeds: if Mikael wanted strong children, then he would receive strong children, but he would never again hold a granddaughter in his arms.

Finn still wept for the future he would never have, but he also felt a type of sick validation knowing that his father would never get what he desired.

"Hey."

A knock on his bedroom door frame and a gentle voice pulled Finn out of his musings. Miriam stood in his doorway. She was dressed in a simple modern outfit of jean shorts and a pink t-shirt, with a pair of matching sandals on her feet. Her hair was up and off her neck, which was decorated with the gold cross necklace that she favored.

"Hello," Finn replied, and he shifted away from the window he had been gazing out of.

"I was just wondering if you wanted to go with Caroline and I to the park with the kids."

"Is there no one else available?" It was unusual for his brothers to turn their mate away. Even Niklaus, who was not overly fond of children, would have jumped at the chance to spend time with her. The four of them had agreed to never let Miriam go anywhere alone (even if that meant they had to watch her from the shadows), so Finn was doubly surprised that his brothers were letting her and young Caroline go somewhere alone.

"I haven't asked anyone else yet," Miriam said with a careless shrug, as if she truly did not understand that anyone desiring him- broken, depressed, struggling with modern English- was a rarity.

"I would love to go with you," Finn said.

She beamed at him, and his heart fluttered in his chest. "Great! See you in the foyer in fifteen minutes?"

"Yes."

She practically danced away, her steps lighter than any step he had ever taken.

He switched his casual white shirt for one of a different color. Children were messy, and white was unforgiving with messes. He put on a forest green shirt, and spent too much time in front of a mirror agonizing over his short hair before heading downstairs.

"Thank you so much for doing this!" Chloe Lambert gushed at Miriam. The Lamberts, with the help of several pack members, were going to move their stuff into their new house. The children would only be in the way, so Miriam and Caroline were going to take all four children to the park.

"It's no problem," Miriam said as she accepted a hefty backpack from Chloe. "Happy to do it."

"We'll be back in a couple of hours," Chloe said, "and we'll bring pizza."

"Ooh, you know how to entice a girl," Miriam joked.

Everyone said their goodbyes, and Miriam and Caroline wrestled the kids into the Lamberts' minivan. The journey to the nearest park with a playground (Finn had to ask what a playground was) was fifteen minutes away, and they spent those minutes listening to a musical group called Kidz Bop.

Once at the playground- it was a brightly colored structure with slides and various climbing activities- the children practically burst out of the car. The older girls and Caroline made a beeline for the large structure, while Miriam and Finn directed the toddlers to a smaller but equally colorful playground.

Finn spent the next hour dutifully following his assigned twin- the girl, Cozette, who was called Cozi by her family- around the small playground meant for younger children. She was fearless, for a two-year-old. She climbed the structure with a stubbornness that reminded Finn painfully of his own youngest daughter, Estrid.

The day was hot. The children didn't care, though. They ran around, screaming in happiness and readily accepted the drinks their parents handed them. At one point an ice cream truck pulled into the parking lot, and the children nearly stampeded in order to get in line. After Caroline and the little girls returned with an armful of frozen treats, Miriam had all the children sit on the blanket she had set up in the shade of an old oak tree. The girls grumbled, but sat down and ate their desserts.

"How are you doing?" Miriam asked Finn as she took a bite of her ice cream. "Being around the children, I mean."

They both looked at the four kids sitting on the blanket. Coco was chattering non-stop to Caroline, who nodded at the appropriate times. Laura was scarfing down her ice cream like she was afraid one of the toddler twins was going to take it, and judging by little Kaden's sly attempts to move closer to the older girl, greed in his eyes, she wasn't wrong. Cozi was sitting in Finn's lap, dripping pink ice cream on pants that he was sure cost more than the average pair of pants. Her weight on him was familiar; once upon a time it had been his children on his lap as they ate a snack, dropping crumbs on clothes of a lesser quality. Pangs of depression ran through him, but he just readjusted Cozi and focused on the fact that she was here and alive, and not the daughters and sons he wished still were.

"It is painful," he admitted. "I miss my own children."

Miriam frowned. "I didn't want this afternoon to hurt you. Do you want to leave? I can call Kol, and he can come here if you want to go off somewhere."

Finn shook his head. "No. I want to stay." He switched to his mother tongue: "I will mourn my family until the stars fade from the sky and my bones turn to dust. But I no longer wish to join them in the great beyond," switching back to English, he finished, "I want to stay. Here, with you."

He wasn't sure how much of the Old Norse she understood, but she just nodded and reached out to squeeze his hand.

They spent another hour at the park before returning to the Hearth. The others arrived not long after, a dozen pizza boxes in tow. Soon everyone was munching on greasy pizza and talking and laughing together. Everyone was merry, but melancholy still touched Finn. He still struggled with English, and didn't feel comfortable enough to join in on conversations, so while no one was watching, he made his exit.

He wandered outside. He had no direction in mind, but he found himself down by the lake. There were several Adirondack chairs by the edge of the lake, and Finn sank down into one and began to contemplate on his earlier words to Miriam.

He did not want to die, not anymore. He had, for the longest time, longed for death. He hadn't wanted to remain in the body of a monster. He hadn't wanted to watch as his siblings succumbed to their new, bloody desires. He was the oldest surviving child, and he was supposed to have taken care of everyone. But to watch his siblings lose their humanity in return for power, sickened him. To live with the knowledge that he was doing nothing worthy in his life while his wife and children were dead damn near destroyed Finn.

As much as he hated to admit it, Niklaus' decision to keep him daggered had been a decent one. If he had been allowed to walk around freely, Finn had no doubt in his mind that he would have attempted to take his own life. He had been so sure that life without his beloved family was a life he did not want to live.

Now, though… Now he wanted to live. He wanted to explore his relationship with Miriam, and hopefully someday deepen it. He wanted to repair his relationships with his brothers and sister. He wanted to live so he could find Freya, and reunite with her for the first time in a thousand years. He wanted to experience true familial love with his siblings in a way that he had never felt before. He wanted to live to see Caroline grow into a fantastic woman. He wanted to see Niklaus's hybrid pack be successful. He wanted to experience so much that now he desperately wanted to be alive.

Alive.

Alive.

Alive. Living. How strange, Finn thought. So many years spent dreaming for the sweet release of death, only to now desire life.

But despite his new-found want of life, he still missed his wife and children.

"Can I sit?"

Elijah stood just a little ways away, his hands in his pockets. His body was relaxed, but his eyes were focused on Finn.

Another pang of melancholy went through Finn as he looked at his younger brother. Younger. Elijah was supposed to be younger, but instead he had spent his existence acting as the oldest. This, Finn realized, is my fault. He should not have to play the role of the eldest; that burden should have fallen to me.

Guilt was thick in his throat, but Finn managed to nod.

Elijah sat down in the chair next to Finn's. After a moment of silence, he said in their native tongue, "I saw you leave. So did Miriam. She asked me to come check on you. Are you alright?"

"I am fine, brother," Finn tried to soothe. "My mood has been… reflective, today. Miriam, Caroline, and I took the children out this afternoon, and being around so many little ones reminded me of my own children. I miss them, and Yrsa."

"You know I did not love my wife as you did yours?" Elijah asked after a moment of contemplation. After Finn nodded, he continued, "Gretrud and I were dear friends, and nothing more. However, she still was my friend. I miss her company. I miss her laugh, and the way she moved through my life with ease. For a long time she was my closest companion. And I miss my daughter, my Revna. She was so young when she died, but I still feel her loss to this day," he reached out and put a comforting hand on Finn's shoulder. "It is normal to mourn them. Just be careful that you do not let your pain consume you."

"I want to live, brother. For the first time in too long, I actually want to experience the world around me. Yes, I am sad, but the sadness will dull, and I will continue on."

Pride shone in Elijah's eyes. "You really have changed."

"Yes, I have. Nine hundred years in a coffin will do that to you," Finn said dryly.

"Don't tell Niklaus, or he will be encouraged to continue with his unorthodox therapy," Elijah said in a similar tone as Finn.

They both chuckled.

"I really am happy that you have changed," Elijah continued once they had sobered. "For so long you were in so much pain. The self-loathing rolled off you in waves."

"The self-loathing has persisted," Finn admitted, "but it has dimmed. Or at least it has been mostly replaced by more positive emotions."

"I believe that most of us have some amount of self-loathing," Elijah said. "I know I do. Yet we need to remember to continue to find other more worthier things to focus on."

"It is difficult to focus on those worthier things," Finn murmured. "Grief is an addictive emotion. It weighs me down, and it comforts me. Grief and pain have been a constant companion to me all these years. To shake off their weight and walk forward of my own authority is… unsettling."

"To be free of the burdens that are chained to us is a difficult task. It is not a skill I have mastered in the least," Elijah's lips quirked up in a self-deprecating manner. "I have a fondness for burying my pain. But that is neither here nor there. I think I can help lessen your pain, or at least give you an outlet for your grief. Follow me."

The two of them rose from their seats. Elijah vamp-sped away, and Finn followed. They only went a little ways: past the lake, over a hill, through a small section of forest, to a clearing. The clearing had been disturbed, the land tilled and rocks and small bushes removed. Several of those modern automobiles were parked at the edge of the clearing, unused for the moment. The area was a half-finished project if there ever was one.

"What is this?" Finn asked as he examined the clearing.

"In time it will be a cemetery and a memorial- a place for remembering our dead," Elijah explained. "It is going to be my gift to Miriam this Christmas. She mourns her dead family and only has trinkets to remember them by. I thought that if she had a physical place to visit them that she might find a modicum of peace. And then, as I was talking with the contractor, I realized I could add markers for my own loved ones: Henrik, Gretrud, Revna… anyone I wish to remember. If you want, I can have the workers add markers for Yrsa and the children."

A space to mourn his wife and children, to allow himself to grieve… Finn had never truly stopped and mourned his family in the way that they deserved. He had wallowed in his pain, but had never finished the healing process. Maybe having a real place to visit would help him overcome his heartache.

Finn's throat tightened and his eyes smarted. "I… I would like that," he managed to say. "Thank you, brother."

Elijah just nodded, and the two brothers stood there in amicable silence for a while, until the desire to be close to their mate and family became too strong.

And so the two brothers returned, their hearts a little lighter and their bond a little stronger.


The pizza had all been consumed, and most of the pack had returned to their own homes. The Lambert family was now officially living in their new home, though there much that needed to be unpacked. Finn was glad that the family was beginning to settle in Roanoke, and though it hurt his heart, he hoped they needed someone to watch their children in the future.

As night fell, the Hearth continued to be filled with joyful noise. Finn was in the kitchen with Greta, Jenna, and Caroline. The four of them were tasting cake for Greta and Maddox's upcoming wedding. The two were recently engaged, and were now attempting to put a wedding together. In the dining room Maddox, August, Miriam, and Kol were playing some type of tile game. They were drinking and laughing and telling stories in-between deals. In the family room Niklaus, TJ, Jeremy, Laura, and Pilar were examining Niklaus's collection of medieval weaponry, to the joy of all the children. Elijah had received a call from Dr. Martin, and had retreated to his study for privacy.

The atmosphere was comfortable. Music from a little device fluttered through the rooms. Laughter was loud and freely expressed. Finn smiled to himself as something like peace settled over him.

"I don't like the chocolate," Caroline declared from her spot in between Jenna and Greta. "It's too dry."

"I agree," Greta allowed, "but I would rather have dry chocolate than just plain vanilla."

"Try this," Finn put a plate of three mini red velvet cupcakes in front of the women.

"I liked the vanilla," grumbled Jenna, but she still took a bite from the red velvet. "Why isn't Maddox helping with this?"

Greta sighed. "He doesn't like cake. He's a pie guy. So we decided to have a small personal pie for him, and cake for our guests."

"Who doesn't like cake?" Caroline said incredulously.

"Cake is good," Finn agreed. He was enjoying trying the different types of cake with the women. He liked the dessert, and Caroline- true to her nature- had gone overboard and bought a wide array of flavors for Greta to try.

"Try this one, Finn," Caroline pushed a lemon cake towards Finn. "It's light and fruity, while still being sweet."

Finn took a bite and allowed himself to smile at Caroline. Besides her blonde hair and blue eyes, she did not resemble Freya or Rebekah. Finn had been robbed of growing up with Freya, but he had grown up with Rebekah, and she was nothing like Caroline. While both women were opinionated, Rebekah was sharper and fiercer. Caroline still had her human sweetness and naivete. Finn's mind kept wanting to make comparisons with his own children; Bjorn and Estrid had Yrsa's flaxen colored hair. Maybe Estrid would have grown up to be like Caroline: demanding and unrepentant in those demands, while also holding extreme compassion and love for her friends and family.

Caroline did not remind Finn of his sisters, but she was an echo of what could have been with his own daughters.

"I like the lemon the best," Finn stated his opinion.

"Maybe lemon with a raspberry filling?" suggested Jenna.

"That sounds good," Greta agreed. "And maybe a chocolate option as well, just so there is more variety. Chocolate cake with a chocolate mousse; does that sound good?"

"Yes," Caroline nodded firmly. "Now, let's move on to table settings!"

At that moment Elijah entered the room looking grim. The music was turned off, and the separate groups stopped what they were doing and looked at Elijah.

"Dr. Martin just called," he said slowly, reluctantly, "and informed me of a rather unfortunate event that had just occurred."

"What has happened?" Finn asked, and anxiety crawled up his throat.

"Someone broke into the Dowager Fauline Cottage. Freya has been kidnapped."


Miriam finally went to therapy! That's been a plot point that I've been working towards for a while now. Miriam has always been timid, and afraid to demand change (in her life and in the story that she knows), but now she is wanting more for herself. She wants to protect the family she has created for herself, but she also wants to be strong enough to demand things for herself.

This was also a Finn-heavy chapter. The poor guy has a lot of grief to work through, but he's getting better.

QUESTION: What is your favorite flavor of cake? For my birthday one year a friend made me an Oreo ice cream cake, and that was all I ate for practically a week!

ALSO: Do we believe that Kol kills the Karen? I'm leaving it up to your own personal headcanons!