A/N: Well, I had a great reviewer response on the last chapter, and I hope to have as much of a response this time!
(My Fushigi Yuugi kick is over. I finished the main episodes, and then got into the Oni disk…my eyes are bleeding! The only thing I found particularly amusing were the omakes.)
Part III
Chapter 14: Barriers at Every Turn
Inuyasha stared into the cackling fire long after Kagome had fallen asleep. He wasn't going to even try to sleep, since he had too many things on his mind.
First, was of course, the kiss. He hadn't planned it, but somehow, when he was holding her before, he couldn't control himself. For three months, Inuyasha had to be careful of even getting too close, since Kagome was so determined to push him away, but she hadn't been afraid…after that week where they had both been alone, the ice around her heart had slowly melted, making her into the Kagome he knew before.
Inuyasha didn't know what ran through his mind when he felt the urge to kiss her rise deep within him. Possibly it was because he had gone three months without being able to hold her in his arms, three months without her warmth. Whatever the reason, at that moment, he had lost control of himself, and didn't even care that he was going farther than they both intended.
And the kiss…his heart still raced as Inuyasha thought about it! It had been something they had both wanted for so long, yet they couldn't have. He had wanted to kiss Kagome like that for a while, but never had the courage until then. When he had kissed her, it was like those three months had never happened, like they were picking up where they had left off, all that time ago.
Kagome had even seemed to have enjoyed it; she had kissed him back with such a passion, it was obvious she had wanted it badly too. If he knew that she wanted to be with him again, why was she holding back?
Inuyasha sighed, glancing once more at the sleeping Kagome, the white moonlight reflecting off her skin, giving her an ethereal glow. Kagome…
Once again, he cursed himself for his folly. If it hadn't been for the curse, then they wouldn't be feeling pain like this. They'd be able to be together, and still be mates now, they wouldn't be constantly worrying about their actions, afraid of it happening again.
But would it happen again? Inuyasha remembered how Kikyou had refused to tell him if the curse was lifted…perhaps it was? He had suspected that she would be a bit hurt since he went to Kagome, even though she had said countless times that she didn't love him anymore…Maybe Kikyou was in fact jealous?
That would explain many things…Inuyasha thought, turning back to the fire, imagining the woman he had first loved in his mind. But…could Kikyou be jealous? I don't think a woman of ice can feel emotions.
Could she really have refrained from telling him because she was upset?
And another thing, for a long time before the curse was officially brought forth, Inuyasha remembered feeling it within him, when he would get strange urges from his youkai side, and those memories…and visions he had, mostly when he was with Kagome, and thinking of their future. He wasn't getting those now, despite that he thought about her all the time.
Is it possible that the curse is really gone? Is it possible that we can live as mates?
The next day as they traveled the rest of the distance to the village, Kagome and Inuyasha didn't speak to one another, unless necessary. For once, Inuyasha didn't care, having to look at Kagome's tragic eyes was painful enough. Kagome would avoid his gaze, afraid to even look at him once more.
As Inuyasha ran through the thick forests that surrounded the area around the village, Kagome was in her usual place on his back, but no more did she lean closer into his embrace, or have any unnecessary touching.
It was uncomfortable, trying to travel in silence, but this way, it was easier to think.
Why did I do that? Kagome asked herself. Why did I let Inuyasha kiss me? Her eyes lowered in shame. No, why did I kiss him?
Because you wanted it. the reasonable portion of her mind said. You've wanted it for a long time.
No! Kagome internally screamed back. I don't want it…I can't…
But you do. You've known, all along, that you won't ever be able to completely push him away, because your heart will always bring you back.
Silently, she glanced Inuyasha, running without exhaustion, but a solemn look on his face. I know…but I have to fight it. she told herself. I have to fight it for the good of both of us…
But…she bit her lip, fighting the pain inside. It hurts…it hurts so bad every time I have to push him away…
And every time I see him go away from me, it gets harder to push him away the next time…
Trembling, Kagome thought, And though I hate it, and how much I want to call him back and tell him I don't care anymore…I can't. Because no matter what I feel, I'm still too much afraid of what could happen if I did give in…
Kaede smiled as she walked out of the hut to greet them. "Kagome, Inuyasha, you're back already. I thought you'd be gone for a month at least."
Inuyasha folded his arms and rolled his eyes. "Keh. She's the one that wanted to go home."
"I see." Even at that small of conversation, it didn't escape Kaede's notice that Inuyasha and Kagome were still avoiding each other like the plague. "And where Sango and Miroku-dono?"
"There back in the village of the youkai exterminators." Kagome told the old miko. "Sango and Miroku wanted some time alone, and they'll be coming back in a few days."
Kaede smiled, "That's always good for them. They get so little time together, that they deserve a few days rest."
"Yeah, whatever." the hanyou said, walking past Kaede into the hut. "Hey, hag, you got any food cooking?"
Kagome sighed softly, as if tired from scolding him, "Inuyasha…" But nonetheless followed him into the hut, feeling exhausted from their week long trip.
Kaede on the other hand, remained outside of the hut, the sunset shining down upon her, while she remained in thought. When they had left, Kagome and Inuyasha had been like this, still very uncomfortable in the presence of one another. She had thought—or rather, hoped—that being together would have helped them…but it didn't.
Why though? Knowing Inuyasha, he wouldn't be one to take Kagome's policy of ignorance much longer. And everyone had seen the way she had looked at Inuyasha when her guard was down, it was very clear that she wanted to be with him as much as he wanted to be with her, yet she still wouldn't cast down her barriers for a little thing like this.
Kaede had seen the pain on their faces after the incident with Inuyasha's curse, and now, it was possible that the pain they felt from their recovery was worse. It was one thing to have loved and then lost, it was quite another to have love, and still have it, yet know you couldn't. As Kaede watched the inner pain both the lovers went through, she wondered whether death by the curse was less painful then death by a broken heart, something that, unless things changed, she was sure would end up as one of their fates.
That night, despite how tired she was from the travel, Kagome couldn't sleep. She had slept outdoors for some time, and now to sleep indoors seemed almost unnatural. She tossed and turned, and finally gave up, deciding a little walk would help her rest.
Tiptoeing past the snoozing Kaede, Kagome silently put on her shoes before exiting the hut, pushing past the bamboo curtain into the silent village.
She glanced up at the moon, remembering how it had been full the night before, now to see it begin to wane as it began its journey around the earth once more. But thinking of the full moon sent shivers up her spine, remembering all too well what had happened the night before.
Musingthis, Kagome decided to head for Goshinboku, knowing it was a peaceful place. It was where she had first met Inuyasha, and it had been a place she had gone whenever she wanted to remember him, and think about their relationship before. It had been where she had gone when she first realized she was in love with him…so long ago…
But as she pushed past the underbrush into the clearing where Goshinboku lay, she saw another at her precious tree. Another was looking up at it, with a look of longing in his eyes.
Inuyasha…Kagome quieted her breath, not wanting to be heard while he was lost in thought. For a second, she watched him, while he leaned forward, and gently touched the wood of the tree, to where he had been sealed by Kikyou for fifty years. Suddenly, his hand formed into a fist, and he punched the wood of the tree, hearing a thud in return.
"Damnit!" he suddenly cried out, his voice heavy with emotion, his fingernails in his clenched fists digging into his palms.
I…never knew how much pain he's in as well…she thought, watching him silently. I'd better go…I don't want him to know I was here…she started backing away, praying his thoughts would keep his hanyou hearing from catching her.
Unfortunately, she stepped upon a stick, and a loud crackling sound emerged, alerting the hanyou to her presence at once. Inuyasha turned sharply, his eyes widening slightly when he saw it was her. "Kagome…"
"Inuyasha." She replied, her face calm. "What are you doing here, this late at night?"
"I should ask you the same question." Inuyasha replied, his amber eyes narrowing as he came closer, making Kagome feel more nervous.
Turning away and walking past him, towards the tree, Kagome said, "I couldn't sleep. I just wanted to think."
"Think?" he said, turning with her and following her movements. "Think about what?"
Looking up at Goshinboku, her eyes right on the spot he had been sealed, she said, "Oh, you know, stuff."
It didn't take a genius to figure out to what Kagome was referring. Coming closer to her, Inuyasha murmured, "Kagome," placing a hand on her shoulder.
Clenching her eyes shut, Kagome replied sternly, "Don't touch me, Inuyasha."
He stared, "What?"
"Don't touch me." She repeated, whipping around and jerking out of his touch. "Just…don't."
Inuyasha's amber eyes narrowed, as he pulled his hand back. "So, its back to this, is it?"
"Back to what?" she demanded, her voice harsh, in response to his tone.
"Back to your 'trying to forget' plot, that you had up until very recently, and which I had hoped to never see again." His eyes fully glaring he shot back, "You know Kagome, I'm beginning to get sick of this!"
"Sick of what?" she snapped, her dark eyes also glaring at her lover. "Sick of me just trying to protect ourselves?"
Inuyasha roared, "It's gone far beyond that, Kagome, and you know it! 'Protecting ourselves', Keh! I bet you're just trying to wallow in your self pity."
A gasp escaped her at Inuyasha's harsh accusal. "My…self pity? You…you don't know what I suffered!"
"I think I have an idea, Kagome." Inuyasha said, deadly serious, while memories of his youkai transformation flooding both of their minds.
"But, besides that!" she cried, her eyes beginning to form tears. "Inuyasha, I…" she touched her shoulder, to where the scar from her attempted suicide lay. "I had to kill you!"
Suddenly, Inuyasha, unable to take it anymore, ran forward and grasped her arms, making her gasp with his sudden move, and the intense look in his normally beautiful eyes. "And who died, Kagome?" he bellowed. "Who was sent to nearly hell and back for you? Kagome…who's the one here who was responsible for all of this, who got us stuck with that curse, and was too stupid to remember it?"
He released her, while Kagome watched him as he turned away, looking back at Goshinboku. Clenching the hand that held his mating scar, he asked her, "Kagome, do you know what its like, knowing that you have the blood ofso many innocent people with your own hands, and having to wake up with those memories fresh in your mind?"
Kagome covered her mouth with her left hand, unintentionally bringing the mating scar to her lips, as she gasped at what she was hearing, "Inuyasha…"
Turning back to her, Inuyasha continued, with eyes full of emotion, "Do you know what its like, to remember the joy that slaughtering countless numbers of humans in a single day? Do you have any idea, how it feels to have the taste of their blood fresh in your mouth, and to replay their screams in your head, knowing that at that time, you laughed at their suffering?"
He came closer while she stared in horror, tears running down her cheek. "Do you wish to know how it feels to constantly hurt the one you love, and are afraid every day that you might accidentally kill her, and though you aretrying desperatelyto get out and stop yourself, you are pushed back, and are forced to watch it happen?"
Inuyasha, who looked deep into her eyes, said softly, "Do you know what its like, to have done the things I have done, and to care?"
Closing her misty eyes and lowering her head, Kagome whispered, "We both suffered."
With his right hand, Inuyasha cupped her tearstained cheek, making her look up into his eyes. "Kagome, what's hurting me is when you keep pushing me away, when I know that's not what you want."
Looking away, trembling and with fearful eyes, she said, "Inuyasha…you don't understand…"
Inuyasha made her look back at him, and told her, "I know I don't Kagome. That's why I need you to tell me what's wrong."
"Inuyasha…I…" Kagome brushed his hand away, trying to ready herself. "You don't understand…If I don't push you away now…" She looked straight back at him, her brown eyes emitting tears, "Then I won't be able to push you away when it goes too far!"
Inuyasha could only stare after her proclamation, while Kagome had more tears roll down her face. She turned around and said, "I'm tired. I'm going to go back to Kaede's hut to get more sleep." With that she left, leaving the heartbroken hanyou once more.
A/N: Writing sad chapters depresses me…somewhat. Sometimes I enjoy making sad chapters, for a insane, sadistic reason I still haven't quite figured out. But this one…it just depressed me.
(I stole one of Inuyasha's lines in this chapter from Angel from Buffy. I couldn't help it. It's the only one that fit.)
