A/N: So, I have begun the nightly ritual of cramming for the SATs and the AP tests…I am going to be very tired over the month…Thank GOD spring break is next week, I really need some sleep…
Whoever invented SATs and the AP tests, I will slay you. Painfully.
Chapter 19: Coming to Terms
With Kagome's sprained ankle, the party went slower on the following days. Because they couldn't rest for fear of Naraku, the sprain would still throb and ache no matter how gentle she was with it. She rode on Inuyasha's back most of the time, sometimes catching a ride on Kirara, but they'd have to stop every so often when it became too much for her.
Kagome expected Inuyasha to complain about the slow pace, but he said nothing. She figured he was feeling guilty about it, since he was the one who told her to gather wood when she sprained it. Whenever it became particularly painful, he would rush to her side and try to help her out, much to her appreciation.
His sweetness, as opposed to the haughty, selfish way he usually acted caused her heart to swell even more when he was around. She couldn't stop herself now, but the feeling still put her on alert. It was so bad that sometimes, Kagome would even get the urge tokiss him when he was being uncharacteristically nice, but the thought of the curse fresh in her mind made her stop herself. The memory was too painful to be let go of so quickly.
But memories of the time they were happy were even more painful. When Kagome remembered his kisses, the warmth of his embrace, and how it felt loving and being loved, she knew, in her heart, she wanted that once more. Nothing could keep her from wanting this love, not even her fear of having to kill him all over again.
That didn't mean that she wasn't afraid. Kagome was still scared of him turning back into a youkai, but more than that, she was scared of what would happen if she lost control. Once kissing him, like before, all coherent thoughts left her. All sense of right and wrong faded from her mind, clouding her judgment. No matter how much she wanted his tender kisses, if one thing led to another…she'd never forgive herself. It didn't matter if the curse was or wasn't there, until they had a confirmation that it was gone, they couldn't risk anything between them.
Her resolution to stick to this had been firm in the beginning, but after three months, it slowly wore her down. She was getting tired of doing the right thing, getting tired of saying no when it caused so much heartbreak. Sometimes, Kagome wondered if she still cared if the curse could turn him into a youkai, wanting to be selfish rather than selfless for once.
But despite everything she wanted or not, the threat of the curse loomed over everything, and that was the one thing she could not risk.
On a late, peaceful night on their journey, Kagome tried to sleep, yet the throb in her ankle wouldn't let her. She knew that she had her eyes shut for about an hour already, sometimes shifting position to make herself comfortable, but despite that, her body remained fiercely awake. The rest of the group had already fallen into peaceful slumber; she could hear their long breaths from whereshe lay.
The fire was dying, yet its soft, yellow light flickered in the clearing. Perhaps it was the relentless crackle that kept her awake; it was one thing to try anyway, rubbing her tired eyes, a soft yawn escaping her, Kagome slowly rolled over in her comfy sleeping bag, eyes squinting open, only to freeze when she saw Inuyasha sitting by the fire, apparently not having noticed her.
His amber eyes stared deep into the embers, thinking something over. He had been doing that a lot lately, and Kagome had a vague idea of exactly what he was thinking about. She silently watched him while he sighed, bowed his head and pinched the bridge of his nose with two fingers, thinking deeply. Suddenly, without a word, the hanyou stood up, turning away, and walked away from the camp, towards the stream.
Kagome, curious, waited until he was out of earshot, to slip out of her sleeping bag and follow him, limping in the direction he left, trying not to put too much weight on her right ankle. She heard him splash water on his face, and as she peeked out from behind a tree, she saw him shake droplets of it out of his hair.
His eyes were closed, but he opened them as he looked up at the crescent moon, walking back out of the stream towards where she was hiding. In panic, Kagome tried to slip away—only to cry out in pain when she put too much weight on her ankle.
In a flash, almost by instinct, Inuyasha was by her side, helping her up while yelling at her, "What are you doing here? I thought you were asleep!"
"I couldn't sleep!" she shot back, limping up to stand, most of her weight on her good leg. "And you were acting weird, like you always are!"
His eyes were unreadable as he said, "I've got a lot of things to think about, Kagome."
"Oh yeah?" she asked, starting to get frustrated. "What things?"
Once again, those deep amber eyes penetrated hers. "I think you know what."
Kagome's brown eyes widened at his statement, but a second after her initial reaction, she told him somberly, "Inuyasha…we agreed, remember? I've told you before that we can't risk it…its too dangerous."
"I know what we agreed, Kagome!" the hanyou snapped, making Kagome take another small step back. "You've reminded me plenty of times about what we agreed! But I just can't stand it anymore, Kagome!" He came closer to her, making her want to retreat even further, but her sore ankle wouldn't allow it.
Her eyes began to tear. "Inuyasha…I know." Biting her lip, she continued, "It's killing me too, but…if we give in, then the curse will—"
She was cut off when Inuyasha suddenly gripped her shoulders, cutting her off. Without a moment's hesitation, he pulled her closer to him, meeting her lips in a soft kiss, causing her heart to race once more.
Kagome was too shocked to do anything but let it happen, her eyes still wide open as Inuyasha pulled away. "The world didn't end, Kagome." he whispered, staring into her eyes, his own full of meaning.
"What?" she breathed shakily, still stunned from the unexpected kiss.
"The world didn't end when we kissed, Kagome." Inuyasha told her softly. "Remember just before what happened with the curse, when we both felt something was wrong? Do you remember those dreams and visions? I don't feel anything, and nothing's warning us anymore. The world's not being destroyed because I'm holding you like this, Kagome."
Blinking, trying to understand, she asked, "Inuyasha…what are you trying to say?"
"Don't you see, Kagome?" heshook his head slightly as if it was obvious. "The curse isn't there anymore."
She gasped, knowing her heart stopped in shock at hearing this. "Inuyasha," she said, defeating the hope she had with the truth. "We don't know this for sure—"
"We don't have to know for sure." he retorted, eyes turning hard. "Kagome…I don't feel anything telling us that this is wrong. How can it be wrong, when the first time in a long time, it feels so right?"
Oh, how much Kagome wanted to throw herself in his arms and cry "Yes!" but she had to stop now, before it got out of hand. "No matter what we know or don't, until it's confirmed, Inuyasha, we can't risk anything."
After processing what she had said, Inuyasha released her like he was holding fire, making her stumble back slightly, sharp pain flying through her ankle. He growled dangerously, "Kagome, I'm at the end of my rope here—"
"Inuyasha…" she whispered, but there was no stopping him now.
"I love you, Kagome!" the hanyou continued, making her eyes go wide once more at the profound statement. "I love you so much, don't you understand? And ever since this curse, I've been going through hell for three, almost four months because of it! Damnit, woman, I sacrificed so much—"
"Inuyasha—" a tear escaped her eyes, followed by more as he shouted at her.
"And this is the thanks I get? you crying and moping all the time, pushing me away when I'm trying to help you?" he finished, his cold eyes glaring down at her, full of so much pain.
Even though Kagome knew he didn't really mean what he said, since he was just so frustrated with the situation, she lost her temper as well. Kagome rose up higher, looking intimidating, while she screamed, "I haven't sacrificed anything? Besides what happened with the curse, I sacrificed a lot! Inuyasha, I gave you something, a part of me, that I can never give anyone else—"
"And I didn't, Kagome?" He said softly, but full of meaning, causing the impending tirade to halt. Holding up his right hand, palm facing her, he showed her the mating scar once more. "We're bound to each other, Kagome. It's a bond that's meant to last until the end of time…That's why it's killing us both."
Kagome remained silent, though her eyes still leaked tears, while he continued, "Kagome, with this curse, and now how we can't be together…It's driving me insane." The breeze fluttered through his silver hair while he said, "Kagome, I love you so much, and yet…knowing I can't touch you…I can't feel you…" a small blush sprouted on his cheeks as he looked away, a blush appearing on her cheeks as well, knowingto what he was referring, "It's so hard to just go with what we agreed when I know that's not what you and I both want."
Suddenly, he looked at her with desire in his eyes, coming closer than she liked, causing her to back up until her back was against a tree, with Inuyasha inches away from her. She could feel his breath as he stated, with heavy eyes, "Kagome, I know if the curse is still there, it will turn me into a youkai if we mate again. But…sometimes when I think about it, I don't even care."
A shiver and a sense of fear filled her mind as he relayed these things to her, but she felt it was time to say it as well. Her eyes had reverted to their tragic form as she said, "Sometimes…I think that too, Inuyasha." Kagome whispered, looking down. "But…I'm not going to risk it. I couldn't bear having to kill you again, no matter what the sacrifice is to us."
Putting a hand on her cheek, so she'd look up at him, he told her, "But that doesn't mean we have to completely put our relationship on hold."
"Yes, it does." She bit her lip. "I'm worried about myself…If I give in a little bit, then I won't be able to stop myself when we go too far, Inuyasha."
His other clawed hand ran through her dark hair, his heart swelling knowing that she wasn't pulling away. "Kagome, no matter how much I want it, I wouldn't do anything unless you agreed. Even if we were allowed to mate, if you said no, I wouldn't force it. Though…I can't say I wouldn't try to convince you otherwise." He smirked, but it fell as soon as she looked away.
Kagome asked, "What about Naraku? What if he finds out about us? He could use it against us, like he did you and Kikyou."
Inuyasha put his hand around the back of her neck, pulling her closer to his waiting embrace, "He won't find out."
In aninstant,Kagome pushed him away, causing him to stumble backwards in surprise. "He might, Inuyasha! And then he'll use the curse against us, don't you see? No matter what, we can't be together because it'll endanger everyone else!"
"But aren't you tired of being selfless all the time?" he retorted. "Why do we both have to care about everyone else before us, because we're the ones suffering!"
Loosing it, Kagome erupted, "Of course I'm tired! Of course I just want to be selfish! You don't know how much I just want to forget about everything else and let myself be with you, because I can barely take it anymore! But I can't! I can't think just about myself, because that will eventually doom us and everyone else! That's thinking selfishly, but…it's the only selfish thought I can have about you." While she had been shouting, tears had leaked freely from her eyes, staining her cheeks, making her sob when she had finished.
Inuyasha had watched her the whole time, a stunned look on his face, but it faded as a resigned look replaced it, as he wrapped his arms around her for support, happy that she didn't pull away this time. Her arms came around him as well as she buried her head in his chest, still crying. "Why can't the world be fair?" she whimpered, her heart breaking.
He leaned his head down, closer to her as he closed his eyes. "If the world was fair, Kagome, then a hanyou wouldn't be shunned by everyone, because he's a "filthy" mix of two breeds."
Sniffling, Kagome buried her head deeper into his muscular chest, her arms tightening around him. "Inuyasha…"
"If the world were fair, that hanyou wouldn't have to spend 150 years without anyone there to trust, having to turn hard to survive." Inuyasha nuzzled his nose into her hair, taking in her scent as he continued, "If the world were fair, then he wouldn't have to wait 200 years to find the woman that he loved more than anything, and yet have fate try to pull them apart at every turn."He pulledback so her head was tucked under his chin, as he took in the feeling of her in his arms once more. "If life were fair, then he wouldn't see the woman he lovedin so much suffering, and yet know there was nothing he could do to help."
"Inuyasha…" she whispered once more, letting him comfort her in her pain, while she knew that her presence was comforting him as well.
They both had suffered, but in each other's embrace, the pain was slowly relieved.
Kikyou, who had been tailing the group for a few days, secretly watched Kagome and Inuyasha in their exchange, remembering a time when she had been in Inuyasha's arms. Slowly turning, Kikyou silently left them, walking away from them and their camp, her tragic eyes downward.
A sharp movement caught her eye. She swiftly turned, seeing a saimyoushou buzzing away, towards a darker part of the forest. After a brief pause, Kikyou followed it, thinking, Naraku, what are you planning now?
Back in the clearing, Inuyasha leaned his forehead against Kagome's whispering, "Kagome, I don't know what fate has in store, but I promise, I'll defy it in any way I can."
Kagome nodded, not pulling away as Inuyasha's lips met her own. She wasn't going to pull away now, she had suffered so much, and had acted so selflessly, that she needed to be selfish now. She didn't care if they couldn't be together because of the curse, right now, she only thought of what she wanted, and she only wanted Inuyasha.
But no matter what she wanted, it couldn't get too far. They would have to pull away soon, for the sake of keeping everyone else sake. But for one minute more, they would let themselves have what they wanted. For one minute more, they would have the small happiness that had been denied to themselves for so long. For one more minute, they wouldn't care about the curse, or Naraku, or fate, and in this one, long minute, they would only think about each other, and no one else.
Despite all of this, they both knew that in this one minute, they had sealed their fate.
A/N: Yay! Fluff! Okay, some were confused about the last chapter, so let me clear it up:
Kagome knew all the time that she still loved him, yet she had been trying to keep herself FROM loving him. In the last chapter, however, she realized that this was impossible, and despite all she did to stop it, she still loved him.
Better enjoy the fluff, because I have a feeling that my evil side will begin to show soon.
