Kingdom of Heaven: Gone Rum III

Altariel Culnama

(Edited by Anarion Tari Culnama)

Outside the seemingly impenetrable walls of Jerusalem, Saladin and Balian fought one on one for the right to own the Holy Land. The battle went on for hours, and both were growing weary, but neither one would yield.

"Balian," whispered the monk in Balian's ear, "you should give up. You can have a rematch later."

"I don't think I will need to," replied Balian with a grin.

"And why is that?"

"Because," said Balian, moving his knight piece in an 'L' shape to the right, "checkmate!"

"NO!" shrieked Saladin, as he swung his long curved scimitar out and stabbed the chess-board. "You cheated!"

"No, I did not," countered Balian, leaping out of his chair. He was so angry at Saladin for calling him a cheater that steam began pouring out of his ears and his face turned bright red.

"Did to!"

"Did not!"

"Didn't!"

"Did!"

Balian took a deep breath and said:

"You know what? You are a poor loser, so I will give you a gift." He reached behind his chair and pulled out a large beautifully wrapped present and handed it to Saladin.

"For me? Ah, you shouldn't have!" said Saladin.

"And here is one for you, Mr. Monk," said Balian, handing the monk a present too. "I have to leave now, if you'll please excuse me." He turned and sprinted back inside Jerusalem in great haste. He was yelling:

"Run away! Run away! Run for your lives!"

Saladin and Mr. Monk ripped the lids off of their presents and each pulled out a large black ball.

"A bowling ball! I lov…" KABOOM! "...bowl…cough/wheeze...ing!" said Saladin. They were both covered in black soot and their hair was standing straight up and smoking.

"Holy!" coughed Mr. Monk.

"Smoke!" finished Saladin. "We've been tricked!"

"HELLOOOO!" Balian said in a high-pitched voice, as he stepped through the doors to the king's room.

"What are you doing?" questioned the king. Balian did not reply. He simply walked up to the king and smacked him across the face.

"Ahh! How dare you smack the face of the king?" The king smacked Balian in the face. The two then began a girly cat-fight, slapping each other on the hands, while whimpering like sissies. But then, Balian punched the king in the nose.

"Oh, why I ought to…" growled the king, picking himself up off of the ground and grabbing a large chair. He smashed it over Balian's head, knocking the knight to the floor. Balian quickly crawled over to the king and bit his leg savagely.

"Oowww!" shrieked the king.

"Ewwwwy!" whined Balian, who was now cleaning his mouth out with soap, "that was nasty!" The king reached down and snatched Balian's pants, then pulled them up over his head, giving him a super-duper-mega-wedgie! Balian screamed and did a swirly-karate-spin-kick in the air, throwing the king into the wall. At that moment, the phone rang. Balian gracefully waltzed over and picked up the phone.

"Hello? This is Balian speaking. How may I help you? Ah-ha…Oh! Really? No way! Ah-ha?" Balian handed the king the phone.

"It's for you," he chuckled.

"Oh, thank-you," said the king, peeling himself off the wall and grabbing the phone. "Hello? Oh, hi mommy! Yes, mother! Yes, I have new underpants! I love you too! Good-bye!" The king hung up the phone.

"Oh, Balian, I almost forgot!" he said. "Do you want to marry my sister, Sibylla?"

"Sibylla? SHRIEK!" Balian turned and raced straight through the door, screaming at the top of his lungs.

"All right, all right! I was just asking! You needn't knock my door down!"

A few weeks later, Guy, Renald, and a few of their other grotesque companions were canoeing through a desert near the city, when they found themselves rowing past a strange Indian tribe. They stopped rowing and got out of their canoes.

"Be careful!" warned Renald. "These are WILD Indians! They could have rabies! In fact, it might be better if I do ALL the speaking." One of the Indians was walking towards them. He had buckskin trousers with long tassels along the sides, black and white war paint on his face, and a large hat-like thing covered in long, black feathers on his head. Renald stepped forward.

"Heelloo!" he said slowly. "We come in peace!" The Indian said nothing, just stepped forward and slapped Renald in the face.

"I think you insulted him," suggested Guy. "Here, let me try! My name is Gu-" SMACK!

"I think you insulted hi-" SMACK! Renald grew so angry that flowers began growing out of his ears and nose.

"Oh, the heck with this!" he growled as he whacked the Indian across the face. The Indian responded by slapping back, but instead of Renald he hit Guy. They all began smacking each other until another Indian came over to talk to them.

"Hello, my name is Tisquantum, and I am the chief of this here tribe!" he said.

"Well, if you are the chief, then who is he?" asked Guy.

"Oh, him," said Tisquantum. "He is Balian. He has not been right in the head since the king asked him to marry his sister!"

"Goblobloblobloblo!" said Balian, folding his arms in like wings and gobbling like a turkey. He walked away, pecking at the ground and bobbing his head back and forth like a chicken.

Finis