CHAPTER 4 : SHOCK AND AWE
Lily tried to read a book, but eventually gave up – like she had given up on playing with her dolls, or the computer, or anything. She was too depressed to do stuff. Why did daddy have to go away?
Her musings came to halt when a small car made of clouds came through the window, with two tiny bears in it. They came down, and she noticed one of them had a leg in a cast, and was walking with the help of crutches.
"Who are…You're Care Bears, aren't you?"
"Yes we are! I'm Champ, and this is Share."
"Pleased to meet you, Lily."
"Wow. That's so cool! Why are you…" her face fell as she remembered.
"We're here to help you, Lily. You're sad, which is normal…But if you've ever needed friends, it's now."
"Why did daddy have to go away?" she half-sobbed.
"Everyone has to, sooner or later, Lily" explained Share. "There's no helping it. But rather than be sad, you should try to remember all the good times you had with your father. I'm sure you often made each other very happy. Think of moments like that."
"Why can't people stay? Why do bad things happen? Can't we just…" Lily stopped in mid-sentence, choking on her tears.
"I don't know," said Champ. "But when bad things do happen, you have to learn how to take them. Take this," he showed his broken leg. "I hate having my leg in a cast. I usually spend half of my day running and stuff, and now, I feel trapped – like I was stuck in a prison. But since I can't change it, I try to take it as well as possible: Instead of moping around, I go help what way I can."
That evening, in another town, a dark-skinned man was coming home – only to find two unusual creatures waiting in front of the entrance.
"Excuse me, is there a problem?"
"Oh, hello. We're looking for Mr. Knock. Are you him?"
"I am. But please call me Isaac. Come inside, and make yourself at home."
"Thank you. We're Noble Heart and True Heart."
"I know. I read the news, and I remember you from my childhood."
Isaac seemed nice enough, but the two defenders of feelings found it odd that he had shown no surprise at seeing a Care Bear and a Care Bear Cousin in front of his home. Had he been expecting them, or was he just unfazeable?
"We're sorry to bother you…"
"Think nothing of it – it's hardly a bother. Do you want something to drink? Milk? Juice? Water?"
"Thank you. Milk for me."
"Me too.
Mr.…I mean, Isaac…We came to ask you about someone…"
"Warren, I presume?"
"Yes."
"Hardly surprising. I've already talked to John Bolt…I warned him, though, that he wouldn't be able to defeat Warren. I wonder what came of it…"
"They had a confrontation. Bolt lost."
"Of course."
"Isaac…The reason we've come to talk to you is because you might know Warren better than anyone else. We asked his family, but…They haven't been much help."
"If half of what Warren said about them is true, then I'm not surprised."
"He wasn't exaggerating. We were hoping you could tell us a bit…"
Isaac sighed. "This dates back some years…Warren and me went to the same college. I was a double-major, in mathematics and computer science; he was in computer science and physics. We went to the same computer classes, discovered we worked better with each other than with the other classmates, and became friends. When our second year began, I became Warren's roommate – he had been going through roommates like socks the first year; all of them eventually begged to be given another room, or moved off-campus. Warren's temper drove them mad with fear."
"His temper? He didn't seem temperamental when we met him."
"Not when he's in complete control of the situation, no. But as soon as something really annoys him, all hell breaks loose. I've seen Warren have several bouts of borderline-psychotic anger – his self-control is exceptional, but his rage is even more so. In addition, back in Salvation Town, he had cultivated the art of being frightening; after leaving that town, he didn't stop. I had cold shivers whenever I heard his practiced sinister laughter. I also remember how easily he got angry whenever anyone around him displayed stupidity – that sent him flying into rage many times, much to his previous roommates' chagrin."
"But you got along fine with him?"
"I don't mean to brag, but…I think I was the first person Warren had met in a long time that he could have what he considered an intelligent conversation with. I wasn't at his mental level, mind you – but I was close enough to be able to follow his reasoning. I even exceeded him in the area of mathematics, but that's another matter."
"About that…How smart is he, really?"
"Some people would say, 'freakishly so'. In eight years, I've seen him master at professional level knowledge that two different, reasonably bright people would have needed a lifetime for. Even more than his scientific and technological skills, though, his strategic mind was impressive – he could find a way out of any crisis, a trick to win any conflict. Plots, plots within plots, fake-outs, manipulation…In his odd way, he was invincible. Throw in his unshakable determination, and you'll understand why Bolt didn't stand a chance."
"But…Why is he doing all this?"
Isaac sighed again. "Warren is his own worst enemy. As big as his intelligence may be, his ego is bigger still. His arrogance has often led him to do things he shouldn't have. Like I said, Warren hated idiocy – he often complained about how incompetently the world was run. I suppose he's trying to establish a new world order – one where he will be running things properly. He always wants to be in control – mostly because he doesn't trust anyone else not to screw up."
"I see. Do you have any idea what he's planning?"
"I'm afraid not – I'm a scientist, not a strategist. Warren and me haven't kept in touch lately – he stopped sending e-mails around the time his criminal career started."
"Well, thank you for your help, Isaac."
"You're welcome. I only hope Warren will realize before it's too late how dangerous his pride is."
Somewhere deep in the woods:
"This is even worse than the castle!" said Shrieky. "How much longer will we have to stay in this dank cabin?"
"If it's not to your liking, you are always welcome to sleep outside," answered No Heart. Neither the sorcerer nor his niece had ever been pleasant people, but the last few months had been particularly horrid. Without Beastly to shove around, Shrieky was constantly getting on No Heart's nerves – and as much as her complaints annoyed him, he was as upset about this as she was: To be kicked out of his own castle, and forced to establish a temporary base in an abandoned log cabin in the middle of the woods! And by some miserable human who didn't even have any magical powers! How could that insolent neophyte's machines hold him back, him, No Heart?
The sorcerer considered his options again. He didn't want to do this…But he saw no other solution. Checkmate Warren knew how to design a security system – none of No Heart's attempts at retaking the castle had even come close to succeeding. At loss, he cast a spell on a mirror – slowly, the image changed, as Control's handsome face appeared on it.
"Ah, No Heart. I was wondering when you'd call."
"Don't waste my time, Control. I am going to take my castle back, and you are going to participate."
"When I translate what you just said, I obtain the following: "I'm stuck, I don't know what to do, please help me". Don't try playing the authority card with me, brother. You're a pathetic manipulator."
"Enough! We are to launch an attack…"
"No. Nice try, but no. This mastermind is your problem, not mine. Solve it yourself."
No Heart cursed. So much for that. He tried another call – this time, the image that appeared in the mirror was that of his castle's interior. After a moment, Checkmate Warren showed up.
"If it isn't the walking bathrobe. What is the matter?"
"Checkmate Warren! My patience is reaching its end. Get out of my castle, or face the consequences!
So far, I have been too busy to take care of you properly. But this ends now. If you persist for yet one more moment, you'll have to face the wrath of No Heart, hate and evil incarnate!"
"If that's your best bluff, I suggest you avoid playing poker. These are empty threats, No Heart, and you know it. You don't have your shadows, you don't have your library, you don't have all the magical equipment that you had amassed over the decades…All you have is the innate power that you focus through your amulet, and we've demonstrated beyond reasonable doubt that while it's quite impressive, it's also quite insufficient to get past my defense system. Would you like to get to know my offence?"
There was a sudden explosion. No Heart and Shrieky were thrown down. When the dust and smoke cleared, they saw the log cabin was now missing a wall.
In the mirror, Checkmate Warren gave a predatory smile. "That was a low-yield missile. I have high-yield ones, too. Do you have but the faintest idea how many times I could have killed you by now? The only reason you're still alive is that I am not inclined to murder. Tick me off again, and you will have to face the Wrath of Warren."
As the image faded, No Heart cursed again. How had Warren known where they were anyway? It was possible, even easy to track a communication like the one he used – but that required to at least understand the principles behind magic, even without being a wizard oneself. Perhaps Warren had studied his library?
Back at the castle, Beastly was rolling on the floor, laughing. "Oh boy! You fixed him good, boss!"
"Thank you. I had been hoping he'd call, just so that I could try this trick – with the data gathered from Artifact X, I suspected I could track down his communication.
But time enough for games – we have a show to prepare." He walked toward one of his laboratory rooms. Beastly followed. Once there, Warren began tinkering with a small machine.
"This one's nearly complete. It ejects a thin ray of particles at high speed; those particles are extremely unstable, and disintegrate within a fraction of a second after being ejected, releasing a very substantial amount of heat. This forms a, shall we say, "line" going from the machine and about three feet forward; a zone of very high energy."
He then activated the machine. With a hum, a three-feet-long ray of light emerged.
"Beastly? Put that log here."
After Beastly complied, Warren raised the machine, and abruptly moved it so that the ray of light went right through the log. The log was cut in two, smoldering where the ray had touched it.
"Voila! Instant light-saber! I'll have to eliminate LucasFilm's lawyers to stop them from suing, but it works. Now to test the glasses…"
In Care-A-Lot:
"On the plus side, we haven't heard much from No Heart or Cold Heart lately," said Tender Heart. "I guess Warren has given them enough troubles of their own."
"It won't last," warned Grumpy. "Cold Heart will find some other trick sooner or later, and No Heart is still powerful."
"We've always beaten them before," said Champ, who was exercising nearby. "We can handle it."
"Don't be so sure. I know your leg is better, but you can't have forgotten what happened last time."
"Point."
About then Bright Heart came. "Tender Heart? Remember how you were worried about John Bolt?"
"Yes, why?"
"He's going to be on TV tonight. There's going to be a huge conference on international security, and he's not only one of the speakers, he's also the one in charge of the conference's security."
At the conference, Bolt was having a chat with one of his colleagues.
"You know, Terri…I've given it some thought, and I think I've figured how Checkmate could know all he did on our operation. At first I thought he had us infiltrated or something…But in retrospect, I realize it was probably a lot simpler."
"Oh? Do tell."
"Well, he knew the only real lead on him was Isaac Knock. He must have had him under surveillance, to see if anyone was investigating him. When he saw I was on the case, he decided to cut the chase and deal with me – he arranged for me to try to get him at FLUUTE. That lab must have been bugged for a while, even before he sent them that pawn – so once I got there, he knew what I was doing. From there, it was child's play."
"Fascinating theory…But aren't you forbidden from working on this case?"
"Well, I'm not working on this case now, am I? But I do hope to change that…"
"John, with all due respect…You're taking this too personally."
"Personally? Terri, this man is a menace!"
"Yes, but he's also something else."
"What?"
"The first person who really beat you."
"…"
"I'm serious, John. For all of your career, you've been the invincible special agent. Now, for the first time, you've failed a mission – and you're not taking it well."
"Maybe. But it enrages me how everyone is sticking their heads in the sand. I intend to give them a little wake-up call later…"
"Careful, John. You heard the boss."
"It's idle threats. He can refuse to back me up if I go on a crusade by myself – which I won't – but he can't fire me. You know that, he knows that, and I definitely know that. I'm the best agent they have, Terri – so I can say it when they're doing something wrong."
The conference began with the heads of various intelligence agencies from different nations, as well as some police agencies, making their speeches and lectures on the matter of international security – against terrorism, against some of the more powerful criminal cartels, and the like. When it was the turn of the head of the NSA, he finished his speech by inviting Bolt to speak:
"I would now like to call to the podium someone whose accomplishments have made him a renowned hero – the few that made it to the public eye, at least. Ladies and gentleman, the man behind this very conference's security – John Bolt!"
There were many applauses as Bolt came on the stage, and stood behind the podium. He cleared his throat, and spoke into the microphone, his speech transmitted on several news networks on live (while the guests at the conference were members of intelligence agencies who dealt with secrets all day long, what was said at the conference itself was not, by any means, secret itself):
"Thank you. Now, like everyone before me has said several times, we live in a dangerous era. 9/11 is the first example that comes to most minds. And yes, like everyone said, there is a pressing need for more cooperation between agencies worldwide to combat threats to civilization. However…I believe we may be missing out on the real threats here."
Murmurs rose throughout the room. He continued: "We fight terrorists, criminals and, of course, each other. But tell me…Was it Al-Quaeda that froze Springfield with a Freeze Machine? Was it the Mafia that made thousands of average citizens go berserk with a Factory of Uncaring? Was it the MI6 that threatened to take over the world, broadcasting its intentions with letters in the sky, using technology stolen from the military?
No, of course not. Those were the doings of, respectively, Professor Cold Heart, No Heart, and Checkmate Warren. Such characters are no less dangerous than any of the foes we fight – perhaps even more so – and yet, we completely ignore them." Bolt himself was ignoring the scowl of several of his superiors. "And why? Because we expect someone else to take care of them? Like, say, Care-A-Lot? I don't call that a responsible attitude. We ought to involve ourselves far more in the fight against supervillains – those that I listed are only the ones that are currently the most powerful. What of the alleged Spirit that siphoned away people's consciences' in 1985? Dr Fright? Multi-Shot?"
Bolt's speech was cut at that point, as all the lights in the room were suddenly turned off, except for those lighting the stage he was on. He quickly turned around to vaguely see someone standing in the shadows, coming from the back entrance. There were supposed to be guards there, like everywhere else. Bolt had seen to that. How…
The figure in the shadows spoke. "M-hahaha! You are quite correct, Mr. Bolt – I really am far more dangerous a foe than your regular enemies."
"You!" Bolt's eyes flashed with anger. How had Checkmate Warren managed to enter the conference, going past all the security he had put in place? How could this man out-do him again and again? But Bolt was a man of action; he didn't spend his time musing, but took his gun out, aimed at the villain…Then, a flash of light went past him, stopping in mid-air. His gun was cut in half, and the half still in his hand was so hot, he let go of it, barely suppressing a yelp of pain.
Warren marched forward, brandishing…a lightsaber? What on Earth…
The mastermind held up his unusual weapon. "Your name is Indigo Montoya. I killed your father. Prepare to die."
As he charged at Bolt, the agent, barely dodging, wondered for a brief moment how Checkmate could hope to beat him with so many people in the room. His question was answered when tear gas began appearing everywhere but on the stage – obviously, Warren wanted it to be a duel between the two of them.
"This is terrible!" said Wish, watching the events unfold on TV in Care-A-Lot. "We've got to help!"
"Agreed", said Tender Heart. "To the Rainbow Rescue Beam!"
While Checkmate Warren, probably in no small part due to his youth, was a good fighter, Bolt himself was extraordinary. Nevertheless, he was having difficulties…Warren had had this battle planned for a while, and had the advantage of his tricks and weapon. Bolt managed to grab a chair to throw at him…Warren cut it in two in mid-air using his strange blade. Then he raised his watch – Bolt's reflexes barely allowed him to dodge as a projectile came out of it, hitting the wall in a tiny explosion. A second projectile soon followed. How many gadgets had Warren brought to this fight?
Still choking from the tear gas, Terri managed to compose the number for back-up on her cell phone – but got no reply. How could it be…?
Bolt had managed to get to the emergency fire hose. So Warren wanted to get tricky? Well, Bolt too was tricky! He prepared the hose to send a water blast at his nemesis, but at the last moment, Warren suddenly made an improbably high leap in the air, completely avoiding the water stream…then, using that watch of his, caused an explosion that destroyed the hose. Some device in his shoes? Upon landing, he drew a small tazer from his pocket, activated it, and threw it a short distance from Bolt. The agent barely managed to get away in time – with all the water there, the tazer would have electrocuted him even without touching him.
"There's no time to lose!" urged Tender Heart. "Beam us down, Grumpy!"
"I'm trying! But the Rainbow Rescue Beam is refusing to work!"
"What, now of all times?"
"It's never had great timing before, you know!"
As the duel went on, Warren mocked his foe:
"I'm superior, you're inferior
I'm the big attraction, you're the small
I'm the major one, you're the minor one
I can beat you shootin', that's not all
Anything you can do, I can do, better
I can do anything better than you!
Anything you can be, I can be greater
Sooner or later I'm greater than you!
Any plot you can hatch, I can plan smarter
I am five-and-a-half times smarter than you!
Any trick you can use, I can use faster
Because I am so much slyer than you!"
Using a chair, Bolt managed to break a window, and grabbed some shards to throw at Warren. The mastermind, anticipating his move, countered him by using his blade to cut free the higher end of the podium, and using it as a shield. Bolt noticed a bottle on the buffet table…If he used it together with a lighter, could he pull a fire-breathing trick, using his mouth as a makeshift flamethrower? He ran toward it…But in doing so, passed near a portion of "wall" that didn't connect to anything except the floor. It had been placed there for decorative purpose, and to allow a speaker to come from the back door and go directly to the podium. Warren chose that moment to activate the gadget in his new glasses – two laser beams came out, one from each side, both of them connecting with John Bolt. The lasers weren't powerful enough to hurt him…But the electric discharge that followed them was. He fell to the ground, twitching. Warren took advantage of that opening to rush in his direction…But instead of slicing Bolt open, he went to the sub-wall, cutting it at its base. He quickly moved out of the way, as the wall fell down. Still hurting from the electric shock, Bolt summoned all his strength to get out of the way – to no avail. The wall pinned him down, with only his head and torso emerging.
Victorious, Warren stood in front of his foe. "You've fought well, John Bolt – but not well enough. No-one can stop me – never before, and never after!" He then erupted in a blood-chilling, manic laughter. Next thing, as the tear gas was clearing, dozens of security agents emerged, guns pointed at Warren. They were obviously afraid, but were aiming nevertheless.
"Checkmate Warren! Throw down your weapon!"
"Which of them?" he mocked. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I don't have time to play with the little league – there is business for me to attend to."
Suddenly, smoke appeared where he had been standing. Some kind of smoke grenade. The agents shot – dozens of bullets went through the smoke. When it cleared, there were dozens of bullet impacts in the wall – but of Warren, not a trace.
Bright Heart had joined Grumpy in his attempts to get the Rainbow Rescue Beam working – though he simply couldn't find an explanation for the sudden malfunction.
"Hey, I think it's doing something…"
It did indeed, as something suddenly materialized in the Hall of Hearts – Checkmate Warren, still holding his energy blade. The bears and cousins jumped back in surprise.
"What, no "hello, Warren", no "long time no see, Warren"? Where have your manners gone?"
"Wha…What are you doing here!"
"Oh, I might have…tinkered with the Rainbow Rescue Beam a little back when I captured you. Precisely for this kind of situation."
"So you were the reason the Beam wasn't working!" said Grumpy. "You had it under your control!"
"Correct. As a matter of fact, I still do."
As he said that, the Rainbow Rescue Beam came to life again – but was interrupted as Swift Heart, moving so fast she could barely be seen, tore some components from inside it.
"Guess you're not going anywhere this time!"
Warren laughed. "You think I only have plan As? I don't need your teleporter to get away." He then swung his energy saber, slashing the ground; as the bears and cousins retreated, wary of the weapon, he repeated the operation two more times, cutting a hole in the floor he was standing on – then falling with it into the void. The champions of caring rushed to the hole to watch – they saw him falling a good distance before some device he had on his back deployed into a hang-glider, with which he got away.
"Say what you want, he's skilled", mumbled Tender Heart. "Bright Heart, Grumpy – can you beam us down now?"
"Just give us a minute or two. It looks like the emergency's passed anyway, I think."
By the time they reached the conference (or what remained of it), Bolt had already been pulled from under the rubble, and was getting first aid.
"He humiliated me. In front of everybody, even the cameras. Why is he spending so much effort attacking me?"
Turning toward Tender Heart, he said: "Thank you for coming, even if you couldn't make it fast enough…"
"We tried using the Rainbow Rescue Beam – you know, the teleport machine we use for emergencies. Apparently, he had it under his control. That's how he escaped from here."
"Oh. That explains it. But how come no help came from the outside? I mean, that fight must have lasted ten minutes! Why didn't the NSA have a strike team coming?"
"They couldn't," said Terri. "All the NSA's systems went down a moment before he appeared."
"What!"
"So did those of the CIA, the FBI, and every other acronym. And not just in America – I'm talking about every intelligence agency in the world. They only came back a moment ago."
Bolt didn't say anything at first – when he did, he was still in shock: "Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear…That's…That's impossible! No-one can crack the security of every agency in the world – that's absurd! I mean, maybe a really, really good hacker could break our codes – but not those of everyone! The very suggestion is ridiculous!"
"And yet, it happened."
"Something else is off in the whole deal", said Bright Heart. "I mean, sure, Warren took a lot of precautions – but even like this, the fight you had seemed pretty reckless of him. Isn't he more careful than that? I mean, there was a chance you might beat him…"
"No there wasn't" came Checkmate Warren's voice. They all jumped, then looked around – then realized in amazement it was coming from Bolt's watch.
"I can't believe it," said Bolt, "you switched my watch while I was showering!"
"Yes, the fact that you were here all week preparing the security for the conference gave me opportunities. But you're correct, Bright Heart – I'm not one to leave my opponents a chance." As he said that, electricity surged from the watch, shocking Bolt again.
"Are you all right?" asked Wish.
"I…feel like a light bulb" said Bolt, wincing from pain. "That son of a gun…He kept it as a failsafe in case I started winning!"
"Okay, so that was a bit less reckless", admitted Bright Heart. "But still, it doesn't make sense. Why even attack you in the first place? And at this conference no less?"
"It's all about fear and power", said Bolt. "Power is mostly in people's heads. If they fear you, then they'll obey you."
"Of course!" exclaimed the raccoon. "He attacked a renowned hero in public, used plenty of really impressive gadgets…He was showing off! He wanted everybody to know he was unstoppable – that's also the reason he uses that flashy countdown to checkmate. Or the sinister laughter. He's doing it for mass psychological effect!"
That was when Bolt's boss came: "It's not over. Missiles from three different bases of ours have been launched in the direction of No Heart's castle. They should hit it in 45 minutes."
"About time!" said Bolt. "You should have done that years ago!"
"You don't understand. We didn't launch them. They launched themselves."
On TV, the news anchor was narrating: "The military have refused to comment on the launch of three missiles from three different bases in the direction of the castle of the sorcerer No Heart, which allegedly serves as headquarters currently to the criminal known as Checkmate Warren. Some have speculated that this attack has been launched in retaliation for Checkmate's attack, half-an-hour ago, of the International Security Conference; however, the plot thickens when you consider that several news network, including this one, had been tipped earlier concerning events that were about to happen at those bases. Back to a footage of the missiles' launch…"
Flying at several times the speed of sound, the missiles were approaching the ancient, flying castle. From the ground, special equipment was used to film the scene. Closer and closer, the missiles approached…Suddenly, lighting struck, starting at the castle and connecting to one of the missiles. The missile immediately exploded. The two others were destroyed in the same fashion in the following seconds.
Back at the NSA, Bolt's superior was explaining the situation to him:
"We're guessing he tipped off the news network about the missiles – and he launched them against himself, after hacking into the bases' mainframes. Our tech guys figured out how he destroyed the missiles…Some twin laser beams connect to the missile, ionizing the air, and turning it into a conductor; then he passes an electric current through the air in the lasers' paths, electrocuting the target. He probably used a miniature version in his glasses against you – but the main one in his HQ uses the electricity from the clouds surrounding the castle."
"Wonderful. That must be his way of showing us he's invincible – with that electro-laser, he can stop any attack we launch against him. If you had listened to me, we would have gotten rid of him before he had that contraption ready! Now it's too late!"
"What makes you think he didn't have it ready since the say he took over the castle?"
"Maybe. But, one thing I'd like to know…How in bruised purgatory did he hack our systems!"
"Well…We think we've figured out his trick."
"Do tell. I have to hear this one."
"Well, apparently, he's been using forged identities to work for several software firms that specialize in anti-viruses for the last few years. At each one, he got paid like three programmers, and did the work of ten. He produced some excellent coding – we suspect he may have also deliberately designed viruses that only his programs could stop. Bottom line, he got to the point where everybody used one or another of his anti-viruses."
"Don't tell me we used programs with backdoors. The tech staff wouldn't have missed something like that."
"Those weren't backdoors – he just designed cleverly-hidden blind spots, that could be used by a really clever virus to go unnoticed. It seems like he released a few days ago a virus that used that blind spot to spread on every computer it could. The virus created a backdoor for him – that's how he hacked our systems." He pointed to a computer screen; on the monitor, there was a message: "MATE IN ONE."
"Hey, just a second" said Bolt. "If it's a fast-spreading virus…Then does that mean it's not just us intelligence agencies?"
"No, John – it's most of the computers in the world."
"Wonderful. How long till we get rid of it?"
"The techs are working on it, but…They're saying any attempt to remove the virus results in further damage. They say it might take weeks to finish."
"And until then, that fathermucker has us by the throat. He knows most of our secrets now, and those of our rivals. Mate in one. Mate in one."
Author's notes: Warren's "Indigo Montoya" line is a modified version of a famous quote from "The Princess Bride". His 'lightsaber' is obviously inspired from those of "Star Wars", though the idea for making it work is original. His little song is taken from "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better" by Irving Berlin.
