Title: Planet Mud, 2? Return to planet wet and rainy.
Author: Jakisbishlygay
Rating: not even R... PG-13?
Characters: Rodney/Carson?Sheppard, Teyla, Wier, Maj. Lorne, Ronon, blah blah blah
Length: 1651
Spoilers: Nothing
Warning: This is the second installment of my crack!fic series. And it's SLASH
Beta: Penny Slade, I love you!
Disclamer: I don't own them... If I did, I would be making them wrestle in pudding... yummm
Return to planet wet and rainy.
Elizabeth Weir sighed as Lt. Col. Sheppard and his team stepped through the gate followed by Dr. Beckett and Major Lorne and his team. She knew it was going to end badly, but retrieving some of the soil, or more importantly, finding the narcotic enzyme in the mud from PX-492 was a priority. It has been three interesting weeks since Carson had the opportunity to discover, after Ronon leapt off the center spire in a valiant attempt to fly only to land on the balcony on the next level, that the mud from PX-492 had medicinal properties.
Ronon then attempted to climb back up the tower with a broken ankle and a dislocated leg with no outward signs of pain, right in front of the main control room. Needless to say, he was taken to the infirmary where Carson set his leg and foot with no pain medication, which wasn't even needed because he was obviously already on something that had him high as a kite and feeling only slight irritation.
Then John's mission poem arrived. Elizabeth knew that John had been Mathematics major with a minor in English, but she had no idea he could be that sexually graphic yet make it sound like it came from Shakespeare himself. She had no idea that he would do that. People were still taping copies of it on every door, hallway, window, and especially on the desks of John, Rodney, and Carson. No issues came up though; it was mysteriously deleted from the mainframe two days before the Deadalus was in communication's range. And the entire time Col. Caldwell and his crew were in Atlantis, not a word of it was mentioned. At least until the Deadalus left, then it was back to catcalls and John biting into a turkey sandwich only to find his poem folded up inside.
It was the poem that cinched the deal. Colonel Sheppard's team was definitely on something. When Sgt. Stackhouse went to retrieve the colonel from his quarters he found him sitting on his bed, wearing absolutely nothing, typing a resignation letter reasoning that the military commander should not only use, but own a comb and recommending that Jack Skelington be the new mayor of the Atlantis cabaret. When Stackhouse tried to convince him to come to the infirmary and be check out by Carson… Stackhouse only informed her, as he turned bright red and stared at the floor that the colonel seemed quite happy at the mention of seeing Carson, spit into his palm and started doing something inappropriate. Stackhouse seemed relieved when Elizabeth asked him not to mention this event, ever. John seemed relieved, and incredibly red, a day later when the official report was handed to him with one line defining his team's actions: unusual drug induced behavior that in no way disrupted the lives of those on this base.
It was a lie, Teyla, although not as exposed as the others, was a bit of a handful. Elizabeth was unable to get a straight answer from Dr. Zelenka on what happened exactly. Just that he had a hickey the size of a grapefruit; in fact, it mirrored the one that Elizabeth was hiding with a lot of makeup and her shirt collar…
So here she is, watching the gate's connection disengage, and praying that they keep the damn biohazard suits on. Elizabeth simply cannot handle walking in on John, Rodney, and Carson sharing the same bed again. The one time in the infirmary was enough, although, she did have to admit that it was interesting seeing John and Carson leap out of Rodney's bed , leaving Rodney confused and obviously aroused. Maybe it was what John and Carson were doing to him that made him not hear her cough, made him snark at his soon to be lovers that they should keep touching him in an inappropriate manner. Elizabeth unsuccessfully tried to suppress a snort at the memory of John and Carson trying to get him to shut him up. It would have worked if Rodney wasn't Rodney.
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Rodney didn't like the idea of coming back to the planet that caused psychedelic mission reports. The planet hadn't changed from the last time they were there; only, it was raining harder and there was more wind, but with the biohazard suits it wasn't so wet. Rodney was bored and slightly nervous, but mostly bored. Rodney's idea of science did not include going to some backwater alien mud planet in an alien galaxy when he could be on another planet investigating some Ancient devices or in Atlantis doing the same. Anything would be a better contribution to science then taking two steps forward, bending down to swab some mud, putting said mud into a baggie, and placing the baggie in the case or backpack. This does not require the most brilliant mind in two galaxies. This doesn't even require the experience of the Chief Medical Officer. And why would anyone think the Commanding Military Officer was supposed to do this? Rodney comes to the conclusion that this is a job for flunkies.
Maybe the mission wouldn't have been so bad if they were just allowed to get some samples and go home. But no, Elizabeth saw this as an opportunity to properly document the phallic paint by numbers cave.
At an occurrence of about every thirty seconds, John, Rodney, and Carson all think they would rather be in bed, with each other and very naked. Something had to go wrong. It's the law of the all great Murphy. Something that would keep the three lovers from their nice warm, sticky, wrinkled sheets…
Major Lorne was the first to show signs that maybe his biohazard suit had a hole in it. It might have been the way he recited various Dr. Sues limericks, each followed by a giggle fit that set off other team members, or maybe the way he grabbed Ronon's ass. Carson made a mental note to personally check all biohazard suits before anyone wore them ever again. When Lorne was finally convinced by a screaming McKay that he had in fact become affected, he simply looked at his commanding officer and said "Now I get why you're always arguing with him. He's hot when he's pissed!"
Really, the colonel should have reacted better, or at least less of a teenage girl who was sensing a cheerleader on her territory. "You stay away from my man or I'll pull rank on you major! I don't care if you went on missions with SG-1! You stay away Marcus." The glare John sent him would make an Ancient run for cover. Unfortunately, Maj. Lorne is nowhere near as smart as an Ancient. This might be why the punch that followed the colonel's threat was met by a smirking face.
This was not John's best moment. Maybe it was a relapse. Carson considered that the mud could have somehow gotten into their suits, either they were all damaged, or the synthetic material couldn't stop the mud from hell as Rodney so eloquently named it. Carson prayed that he would get infected just so he wouldn't have to explain to Dr. Weir why the mission he suggested went to hell in less than three hours.
The only thought that passed through Rodney's head was that he liked it when John got jealous.
Sheppard and Lorne were finally separated. Actually, Rodney ripped his and John's protective hood's off and kissed him. Lorne just started giggling again perched on, or more accurately in, the mud. Lorne's team tried to get him to stop giggling and help him up, only when he tried to grip his teammate's hands; he pulled off their gloves and ripped their suits before accidentally pulling them face first to the ground. This was going to be a long mission.
"I believe we should return to Atlantis and begin the detox procedures". When all Teyla received from John was a "humph" as Rodney was still attached to his face she continued. "Sir, you, Dr. McKay, Maj. Lorne, and the rest of his team have been exposed to the soil containing the narcotic substance." Seeing that John was now ignoring her, she said, in a voice that meant 'would you just listen to me, you know I'm right asshole,' the only thing that could get him moving. "Sir, unless you want to write another poem I suggest we leave."
This got John's full attention. This however caused Carson to double over only to fall in the mud laughing. It seems Carson's prayers were answered; he would not be the one to explain this. Carson's laughter subsided only when Rodney and John, ever so delicately, hauled him from the ground, each placing one of Carson's arms over their shoulders, and started dragging Carson in the general direction of the 'gate.
Ronon assumes that this sudden sobering of his male teammates was due to the sudden realization that they would not be treated by the good doctor, but by the very angry doctor with the tight bun with a tendency to perform overenthusiastic rectal exams. Ronon silently prayed those who showed signs of being exposed to the drug would take all of her time and attention, he saw her enough in his stint in the infirmary, while Carson was preoccupied with his new lovers.
The way to the Stargate was being led by Col. Sheppard and Dr. McKay, who were practically running, carrying a still giggling Dr. Beckett. Mjr. Lorne and his team were close behind with Ronon to their left. Teyla fell behind so she could keep an eye on all of the others, making sure none of them strayed off course. She was becoming very irritated.
TBC
So, did you like it? Please review!
They make me so happy (and tell me if I should continue or just stop.)
