Humoresque

By Azure Orbis

Chapter Two: Sick Karma

A/N: I typed this when I was sick and I wanted someone else to suffer the great fun of being sick too. (Evil laughter)


It all started on a day that seemed like the day before, peaceful and normal, but there was something in the wind that day that made his throat itch. The warmth of summer had faded, leaving the cool, ancient caress of autumn behind and his throat itched, terribly.

He cleared his throat, hoping to dislodge the offending sensation while he walked down the dirt path to his training spot with all the dignity that was expected of him. It was a lovely day, not too hot and not too cold; just breezy enough to make him walk faster to warm himself up. The cooler air only served as an incentive for him to train harder, to keep himself warm and to keep his skills honed. And yet the itch persisted, wriggling its way up his throat in a way that made him almost want to squirm and he was not the kind of person to be caught squirming, at least not in public.

He was nearing the secluded training grounds, desperate to be hidden away from the sight of others while this horrible itch clawed at his throat, growing stronger and stronger while he tried to squash it. Was he, this genius, to be defeated by a lowly discomfort? Absolutely out of the question! Only a few more hundred yards and he could relieve himself away from the prying eyes. He broke out into a run. So close, must get there soon!

His clenched jaw and more than usual sour face drew the unwanted attention of the seemingly numerous bystanders. He turned to glare at a choice few. What were they looking at? It was as if they never seen someone trying to look dignified while all they wanted to do was run. And why were there so many people out meandering around this time of day? Didn't they anything better to do than gawk and stare like children!

He started wheezing. Wheezing! His mind reprimanded him for acting like a ninety-year old man who hadn't gone out into the fall air in sixty years. Still, his lungs burned and his throat still itched with insufferable intensity that he was forced to slow down.

What was wrong with him? Could he be...it wasn't possible but he had heard about...something called being...sick?

Is that what Tenten had called it, when her nose was red and running? Why did she call it that, "running"? It was obviously still stationary, residing where it usually resided. Other than the fact that there was some unsightly liquid dripping from it constantly and it was the hue of an overripe tomato, Tenten looked as she always did. Except that she lacked energy and control over herself. Yes, her aim was simply terrible that day.

Lee had gone through similar bouts before, but instead of a reddened nose his whole face looked red and he seemed more...shiny than usual. It was probably the thin layer of water that seemed to cover his face perpetually. Lee's punches lacked the usual strength he usually delivered them with and Neji had beaten Lee in a fraction of the usual time. Lee proved to be a very poor adversary that day, and Neji went home in a huff because he didn't get a good workout and complained that the day was a complete waste because his teammates weren't even up to their usual pathetic levels to challenge him. So was it his turn now? To suffer the slings and arrows of a terrible plague known as sickness? He shivered in fear. This could not be happening, not to him. He had never been sick, so why should he be sick now?

He coughed and he kept on coughing. His throat happily supplied him with the same unbearable itch that kept him coughing. He coughed until he ran out of air. And when he managed to breathe in a few lung-fulls, he started coughing again.

He sat down hard on the edge of the training grounds; the coughing had quite taken the will and the wind out of him. The headache that had bothered him the night before returned with a vengeance. Neji moaned in frustration, what had he done to deserve such a horrendous punishment? And then his nose started dripping. At first he was in such a state of shock that he thought it was raining. He looked up. No rain and when he looked down at his hands, they were wet. What was the source of this strange water? His slowed down, but still quick-thinking mind soon informed him of the culprit: his very own nose. Neji would have cursed the heavens if his throat didn't start itching again and sent him into another coughing fit. Curses, foiled again.

At least he was alone to suffer in his misery as his eyes misted over. Great, he was officially becoming a slobbering blob of sick-infested...thing.

He decided, while he coughed and his nosed dripped that he would stay here until he felt better and then he would discreetly return to the Hyuuga compound. He would have a trusted servant sent to inform his teacher and his teammates of his absence which would be blamed on "unforeseen difficulties." Yes, that was vague enough and yet, truthful at the same time. Not a bad plot for someone whose mind was fuzzy and couldn't stop coughing for even a few minutes. He congratulated himself for his craftiness. He never had to use it before and this little scheme made him feel exhilarated and even giddy.

He stopped dead in his thought tracks. That had to be the sickness preying on his mind. Giddy? Hyuuga Neji was never giddy, no matter how devious and delicious the plan he managed to concoct in a very fuzzy state of mind.

That was the last straw, he broke out in a silly smile and rose to his feet, twirling around gleefully in a circle with his arms spread out, imitating the birds he so admired. Were he sober, he would dropped dead at the sight of himself spinning around like a child. But alas, Neji was not sober and so, all thoughts of returning home quickly and quietly, vanished. Spinning around seemed so much more interesting. The funny little bug that had caused his little cough had progressed to take over his mind. Therefore, it was not sane Neji who was dancing around in a delirious daze, but sick Neji. Still it was an interesting predicament for anyone who chanced to see the Hyuuga teenager stagger around in a gleeful manner.

"Neji, my preponderant pupil, even if there are problems at home, you still shouldn't resort to the drink."

Neji stopped immediately in his stupefied spinning where his hazy mind allowed him a moment of clarity. He recognized that voice, even if it was more seriously and softer than it had ever been before. It belonged to none other than Gai-sensei. Warning sirens started to go off in his head. How on Earth was he going to explain the strange phenomenon of him twirling? He should have snuck home while he still had the chance. He had to think of an excuse quickly.

'But you still want to go spinning!' The little bug that had taken over his mind insisted.

'Not in front of Gai-sensei I don't!' he argued.

'But–'

'Fine!Just let me get out of this jam and I'll see what I can do!'

'Goodie! Remember, you promised!'

"Neji, son, remember that drinking will only lead to more pain, which can lead to more drinking and even more pain. And where do you think that all leads to? Why more drinking, of course. But as I am trying to say, it is a destructive cycle where one starts, one cannot stop. So, why start at all?" Gai asked rhetorically. Normally, Neji would have already tried to kill the man after the word "son", but strangely enough his teacher's repetitive logic made sense to him in this fog. Still this little embarrassing show was not the result of over-drinking and he intended to set the record straight.

"Gai-sensei, I'm not drunk. I was practicing Kaiten." Neji stated in his most serious voice. It would have worked too if he was not cut off with a sudden attack of vicious coughing.

"Neji," Gai began slowly, "Kaiten does not look like that. You looked more like a kid spinning around in a playground...with a smile on your face. It was a very...goofy smile. Delusional, maybe even."

"I did no such thing!" Neji argued indignantly, as if smiling was the most indecent thing he had ever heard of. "I was merely practicing an obscure and ancient form of Kaiten that you have not seen because it is a family secret. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be leaving since I have better things to do." He retorted off-handedly in his most haughty manner, hoping to throw his teacher off his earlier trail of erroneous thinking.

"Neji, son, we're going to have to have that talk," Gai started, sounding very seriously, more serious than he had ever been in his entire life. He neared the boy and managed to clamp his arm around the sick young man to lead him away.

Neji, in his weakened state could only stand there and look up at his green-spandex teacher before moving obediently along, his legs moving on their own accord, while a part of his mind screamed its protests and another, the infected part, laughed and laughed at the predicament that would not go away. Why, oh why didn't he leave when he had the chance? Why did he stay to frolic? To spin around like a deranged kid, according to Gai? Ah, the wonder of the unanswerable questions.

-

-
-
-

-

Hours later, Neji staggered home, dressed in the same clothes that he left home in, but if those clothes could talk, what tales they would tell. Neji would never tell what happened in those five hours he spent all in the sole company of Gai. To even admit that he could stand the other's company for so long would implicate him in ways he could not even fathom. At least, the day was over and all he had to do was sneak into his room, bathe in scalding hot water and scour his skin to cleanse the day's remains off him and pretend the day never happened.

He was not confined in a room with the self-proclaimed "beautiful Green Beast of Konoha" for five torturous hours that began with Gai's patented talk about the deadly sins a shinobi could commit.

He was also not used as a human squeeze toy when his teacher reminisced about his own days of youthful stupidity and burst into tears. Of course he would clamp onto Neji for comfort. It was only natural. And that was only the first hour.

Neji shivered, it was better not to remember. Now, all he had to do was move as silently as possible without alerting anyone of the household. His nose started running again, the faucet obviously was turned on again. Unceremoniously he wiped off the clear liquid fluid off his upper lip with his long sleeve, something the stoic and proper Neji never would have done in his sane mind. The liquid oozing out of his nose seemed to be of a never-ending supply. It just kept coming out! Then, as suddenly as it started, the imaginary faucet was turned off and the liquid river became a more manageable trickle. Neji sniffed in appreciation; finally something was going his way.

"Neji, I need to talk to you." Neji froze at that voice. It was his uncle's. He turned to see his relative, who gave him an odd look at his disheveled appearance. Neji nearly cried in frustration. He was so close to his room and all would have been well! In reaction to his anger and despair at the interminably horrible day, his eyes started to tear up again. It was due to this illness, he told himself stubbornly, and had nothing to do with the terrible ordeal he just went through. Slowly the tears retreated, thanks to his iron will to not demean himself any further.

"Are you okay, Neji?" Hizashi asked with real concern. And with good reason; his normally clean-pressed nephew was a wreck. "You look like you fell down a cliff or something." Neji kept silent, willing away his uncle away. Taking his nephew's silence as an answer Hizashi continued, "Oh, well wash up, I must speak to you as soon as possible of a disturbing rumor that has reached my ear today." Hizashi turned and walked away swiftly, the clothes of his clean and annoyingly starched robe swishing behind him. Meanwhile, Neji could feel that headache coming on again. It was this throbbing pain, between his eyes and at his temples.

Neji could only stare after his uncle in stunned silence. There would be no end to this miserable day, would there? There was no relief in sight. He was so close to his room and safety and the silence that would swallow up the day's events, but no, his uncle had to catch him. It was almost enough to make him cry, but that twisted bug in his mind laughed harder than ever. A strange grin grew on his face, the thought of revenge and of future swirling sessions mixed happily in his brain.

Neji stuck his tongue out, the first sign of disrespect and rebellion he had ever committed. It was a childish and somewhat stupid act since all Hyuuga possessed all-seeing eyes, but Neji didn't care. He formulated his plan, feeling better than ever for the simple act of sticking out his tongue. First he would take that bath he needed and he would soak in it as long he wanted and waste as much of the hot water as necessary. He laughed derisively, let his uncle wait, he was not coming out of the wooden tub until he was wrinkled like one of the geezers of the main branch. Ha, take that, he smirked. And inside his head, the little bug rejoiced too, together the two of them made a fine team.


A/N– Well, there you have it, Neji-kun suffered my wrath and lived through it! I was snickering the whole time while I wrote this. Neji is just such a stoic character and is probably one of the best to mess around with. Shino would be a great one too, but there doesn't seem to be much that bugs him...yeah, bad pun, I admit, but seriously what bugs Shino? Maybe this is the idea for a later chapter. Hehe! Hope you enjoyed this, and even laughed.

For those who don't already know or remember, kaiten is the heavenly wind spin-thing that Neji does, basically spinning around really fast while releasing a ton to chakra to deflect any projectile. Wonder how he doesn't get dizzy. Maybe he practiced some ballet…

There is a little borrowing from the great Bard himself, from Hamlet, paraphrasing on the Pringles® little motto, don't know who originally wrote "Curses, foiled again" and the rest belongs to me and my ailing self

Anyhow, comment and criticize please! Until next time!