Title: Fast Food Fight

Rating: G

Characters/Pairings: Ichigo, Rukia, Renji, Hitsugaya, Matsumoto, Ikkaku

Word Count:999 (Whew, that was a really, really close one)

Warnings: Some spoilers for who the Karakura Shinigami are

Summary: The gang goes on an outing to the local burger joint.

A/N: I had way too much fun writing this. Way too much fun. And MOS Burger is an actual chain in Japan, almost as popular as McDonald's. Go figure. By the way, some people own MOS Burger, and I'm not one of them. So don't sue me, k?

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"It's called MOS Burger. It's fast food."

Hitsugaya raised one questioning eyebrow. "What is fast food?"

Ichigo heaved a sigh, taking in everyone's bemused expressions at the chrome countertops, tiled floors, and brightly lit signs. He led the way over to the counter, silently berating himself for letting them convince him to take them to eat "authentic human cuisine." He didn't have the money he would ostensibly need should he take them anywhere semi-expensive, so the local fast food chain was their only option. Ichigo was regretting it more and more by the second.

"It's good, like burgers and fries. Trust me," he grumbled, not really caring if they knew what he was talking about. Renji shot Rukia a quizzical look, earning him a resigned shrug. Ikkaku glared death at the other patrons, only so they could turn their gazes to a trailing Matsumoto, who stared at everything like it was the eighth wonder of the world.

They shuffled over to the counter, the eyes of every customer in the restaurant on them. Ichigo slapped a mental palm to his face, cursing the day Soul Society sent the Doom Patrol to his school.

"Find something on the menu," he mumbled, gesturing vaguely to the luminous sign above their heads. Big mistake.

"What the hell is a 'ham-ber-gar'!"

"Why are there numbers!"

"How the hell am I supposed to read this!"

"Look, taichou, they have meals just for kids!"

"Hey!"

"Those 'melk-shack-ays' look like liquid turd!"

"What the hell is this crap!"

Everyone was still staring at them, and this time, Ichigo did slap a palm to his face. "Just shut up!"

Everyone shut up, including the rest of the customers. There was complete silence in the MOS Burger as Ichigo seethed, smacking a hand on the counter and turning towards the bewildered employee.

"Just give me six number ones," he growled.

The employee nodded vigorously, punching in the appropriate keys on the cash register and taking the money Ichigo slapped on the countertop.

"Go sit." Ichigo limited himself to the barest minimum words necessary to convey his message, too infuriated to trust himself not to explode.

They squeezed into a booth, Rukia immediately picking up the salt shaker and fiddling with it.

"Karin taught me this trick, watch!" She started dumping out salt onto the tabletop, biting her bottom lip absently as she tried to balance the edge of the salt shaker on the mountain of salt. Renji watched her in fascination, only to scowl when the shaker toppled over onto him, spraying salt all down his front.

"Rukia!"

Ikkaku grabbed the napkin dispenser, turning it over in his hands, puzzled expression on his face. Matsumoto reached over, pressing on the napkins and squealing in delight when they bounced back at her.

"Amazing!"

"Idiots," Hitsugaya murmured darkly.

"Taichou, look!" She started tugging out the napkins wildly. "They just keep coming!"

Rukia was still trying unsuccessfully to balance the salt shaker. After it fell over yet again, spilling even more salt, Renji became impatient, snatching it off the table to Rukia's loud protests. She lunged for the shaker as Renji held it above his head, tilting it over so that it started pouring onto Ichigo.

"Oi! Stop that!"

Hitsugaya had found a Sweet-N-Low packet, shaking and flapping it with a very curious look on his face. He continued to turn it over in his hands, alternating between reading the inscription and waving it around. He finally tried to rip it, triumph skimming his features when the Sweet-N-Low started trickling onto the tabletop. He poked a pinkie at it and brought it to his lips, sticking out a tongue to taste the contents of his remarkable discovery. He immediately grimaced in disgust, dropping the packet and eyeballing it distrustfully.

Ikkaku had moved on to the ketchup packets, pressing and squeezing the life out of them. He placed one on the tabletop, eying it suspiciously and sprouting an idea. He balled his fist and brought it crashing down on the innocent packet, sending ketchup splattering everywhere and on everyone.

There was a stunned silence. Before anyone could reply, an employee came by with their food, placing the tray on the table with a panicky expression and bolting.

The area was deadly quiet as everyone in the booth eyed each other, then eyed the food, and then eyed each other again.

All hell broke loose.

There was a mad scramble as everyone grabbed their food and tore the unfortunate orders apart, flinging buns, patties and French fries at each other with unrivalled abandon. Rukia tossed fistfuls of salt wildly, grinning triumphantly when it stuck to the splats of ketchup Renji had just planted on everyone. Ikkaku had a pickle sticking to his forehead, and he violently flung his onions at Renji, scoring a hit when one ring caught on a spiky strand and swirled down it like a horseshoe. Matsumoto shrieked as a French fry flew down her cleavage, and she started launching her tomatoes with renewed vigor, glowing proudly when one stuck squarely on Rukia's breast.

Ichigo slipped out of the booth as soon as the food fight had started, salt still trickling down his back mockingly. Hitsugaya, being the genius he was, had made a dash for it as well, though he hadn't been so lucky. Ketchup was all down his front, and he peeled a hamburger bun from his temple, leaving a trail of mustard dribbling down his cheek.

"Idiots," he growled, one eyebrow twitching uncontrollably.

Several minutes later, Ichigo was paying the owner handsomely for the damage and swearing up and down never to show their ketchup-covered faces again at his establishment.

And so they stumbled out of the MOS Burger absolutely drenched in hamburger trappings. Rukia, Renji, Ikkaku, and Matsumoto snickered and smiled conspiratorially at each other as Ichigo and Hitsugaya laid into them, looking worse for wear and utterly ridiculous yelling at them coated in condiments.

"Well," Ichigo barked. "I hope you're happy with yourselves!"

They were.

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END