Title: The "Talk"
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Matsumoto, Hinamori, and a cameo by Hitsugaya
Word Count: 953
Warning: Random OOCness
Summary: Matsumoto is determined to make sure that Hinamori knows all about the birds and the bees.
A/N: More crack for y'all!
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"Hinamori, come here," Matsumoto hissed, looking from side to side and waving her over.
"What is it, Matsumoto?" Hinamori asked, puzzled.
"Just get over here."
Hinamori scuttled over, throwing quizzical glances over her shoulder, wondering what Matsumoto was so cautious about. But nothing looked out of the ordinary, except for Matsumoto, who was gesturing furiously and had barely contained glee etched on her features.
She grabbed onto Hinamori's upper arm, pulling her into the room and steering her into a cushion. Matsumoto poked her head out the door one last time before shutting it with a snap. She turned to Hinamori and smiled determinedly.
"Now," she began, crossing her arms and looking pleased. "I am doing this for the sake of my captain, Hinamori, so pay attention."
Hinamori nodded, surprised that Hitsugaya was involved in this. He was usually much more… direct.
"Can you tell me what you know about sex?"
Hinamori nearly choked, turning a brilliant red. "W—W—What!"
"So not much, then…. Sex? You know." She started rocking her hips forward in demonstration. Hinamori immediately shut her eyes and waved her hands in front of her, completely horrified.
"What? Hinamori?" She snickered, kneeling down in front of her and putting a hand on her shoulder. "Don't worry, you won't be the shy maiden much longer."
She finally found her voice. "Matsumoto! I can't believe you—"
"What? You need to know these things, Hinamori. Especially if you—"
"No! I don't need to know!" She shut her eyes again, as if doing so would block out the whole situation.
"Yes, you do, Hinamori. Especially if you and Captain—"
"What!" If possible, Hinamori turned an even deeper shade of red, putting her hands to her face and nearly screaming with embarrassment. Was Matsumoto trying to kill her?
"Hinamori, trust me. I'm doing this for your own good. And the captain's too, of course," she said, patting Hinamori on the head. She straightened, putting her hands on her hips and nodding in satisfaction when Hinamori opened an eye.
"So—so he told you to—?"
Matsumoto smiled. "Don't worry, he doesn't know." She put a finger on her chin, tilting her head to the side. "If he did, he probably wouldn't be happy. Oh well." She shrugged, sitting down across from Hinamori and leaning forward.
"Now, you know how you have that—" she pointed between Hinamori's legs, making her cringe and blush again. "Men also have something like it, but not exactly. You see, Hinamori, what they have is designed specifically to go into what women have."
Hinamori's eyes widened to the size of saucers. "I—In—to?"
Matsumoto nodded, holding up a banana she swiped from the market and forming a circle with her fingers. "See, this goes like this—"
"Ah!" Hinamori tumbled off the cushion. "Matsumoto!"
"What? I'm not lying, Hinamori. You need to know this," she said pointedly. "I wouldn't be a good vice-captain if I didn't ensure that my captain was happy." She paused. "Even if he doesn't know what will make him happy. i Men /i . Besides, I wouldn't be a good friend if I didn't tell you about this." She watched Hinamori right herself on the cushion again.
"So—So even Hitsugaya-kun—" She swallowed, trying to shove the image of Hitsugaya with a banana on him out of her mind.
"All men, Hinamori. And usually, this—" she waved the banana "—is what they think with, so you have to be prepared."
Hinamori nodded slowly, still trembling a little. She was certain that she would be red for the rest of her life after this.
"Now, the most important thing I'm going to tell you is this: don't ever, ever let any man make you do this if you don't want." She pointed the banana at her. "It's up to you to decide. I know Captain would never pull this, but if you are ever uncomfortable or feeling pressured with anyone else, you get out of there and come straight to me, you hear?"
Hinamori nodded wordlessly.
"Good." She grinned evilly. "And then we can get Captain to freeze his nads off."
Hinamori gulped, certain she was never, ever going to let Hitsugaya know if something like i that /i happened to her.
Matsumoto put the banana down and clasped her hands together, staring at her expectantly. "Alright, so now you know the mechanics, right?"
Hinamori nodded again, still unable to find her voice.
"Good. Now, this is going to sound weird," she said, holding her palms together and splaying out her fingers. "But the first time you do this, it may hurt a little. Trust me, after that, it'll be worth it." She smiled knowingly, making Hinamori swallow uncomfortably.
"What do you mean?" she hazarded.
"Just trust me, Hinamori, it can't really be explained. That's something you're going to have to figure out yourself." She winked, but Hinamori wasn't very assured. "Once you find the right man—" she coughed "—you'll love it. In fact, once I get through with Captain, I highly doubt I'll see either of you for very long."
Hinamori's eyes widened. "What!"
Matsumoto leaned forward and patted her on the head, allaying exactly none of Hinamori's fears. "Don't worry, Hinamori, just trust me."
"You keep saying that," she mumbled.
"You'll thank me later," Matsumoto said cheerily, picking up the banana once again. "Alright, it's time for advanced instruction." She formed the circle with her fingers again as Hinamori's eyes threatened to pop out of her head.
The door clattered open, making both women freeze. Hitsugaya stood speechless for a split-second, taking in the scene before him.
"Matsumoto…"
"What, Captain?"
"Is that a banana?"
"Why, yes, I think—"
"MATSUMOTO!"
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END
