Chapter 3 folks and you finally get to see who our heroes, or should that be villains, get to work with, as if you haven't guessed it already.


Guys with Guns

Crime never sleeps. It's a fact. Today there won't be a single moment when a crime wasn't committed, why by the time that you've finished reading this sentence six cars will have been stolen in the UK alone. Carefully planned crimes can take place under the cover of darkness, or opportunistic crimes can take place in board day light. But there is no reason to lock the door and hide under the bed for the police never sleep either. Unless of course you live in hell of course, in which case I advise you stock up with supplies first…

Cell woke up with a start, trying to identify the source of the annoying ringing in his ears. First he did what any reasonable person would do and savagely assaulted his alarm clock. After he had made sure that it could never make a noise again he realised that it couldn't be the source of the incessant ringing. Fortunately the rush of blood required to destroy his alarm clock had also got his brain working again. As a result he finally realised that it was the door bell. Cell got up and went to answer the door. As he went to the door he was joined by Freeza who had also been woken up.

"Who do you reckon it is?" the former dictator asked.

"I don't know," said Cell, "But who ever it is has some nerve waking us up at," he looked at the clock, "one in the afternoon…" he finished with all the wind taken out of his sails.

"I know it's outrageous!" snapped Freeza with genuine anger, "back when I was emperor no one ever got me up till 3pm, at the earliest."

"Well with a workaholic like you in charge it's no wonder the empire collapsed with out you!" said Cell sarcastically.

"Just open the door," growled Freeza. Cell went to the door,

"It's probably the kio's representative, coming round to get us started," said Cell before he opened it.

"Oh you mean Goku," said Freeza coolly. Cell pause.

"What makes you think that it will be Goku?" he asked.

"Well he's just he kind of person the Kio's who run this place would pick," said Freeza. "You know just to get on our nerves and rub it in our faces."

"Don't be ridicules;" said Cell, "the Kios are good level headed beings who are above the petty revenges of mortals, that's why there so easy to take advantage of. Their fat arrogant heads will tell them to choose a detective of some sort, the kind of person who might make this police force work, it defiantly won't be Goku."

"I bet you five quid it's him," said Freeza.

"Done," said Cell quickly and opened the door.

"Hi Ce-" began Goku. Cell quickly slammed the door shut.

"You know," he said sounding rather hurt "my faith in the goodness of the Kio's has just been severally shaken."

"Just give me my five quid," said Freeza. Cell reluctantly obliged.


A few minutes later Goku, Cell and Freeza sat in what was left of the kitchen having a cup of some sort of brown liquid which was just about passable as coffee.

"So you're our Kio representative," mussed Cell, "any particular reason why they choose you?"

"I would like to think that it's because my forgiving nature allows me to work with the likes of you," said Goku cheerfully. "However I do have a sneaking suspicion that is because they reckon it would really annoy you."

"Yeah we thought of that one too," said Cell.

"Well I don't care why they gave me the job," said Goku in a determined voice, "or why you are doing the job. We've been told to bring law and order to hell so that's what we're going to do."

"Right monkey," said Freeza, "that's exactly the kind on sentiment that's going to really get on my nerves."

"Oh come on guys," said Goku still sounding determined, "can't you see that this is the kind of thing that could make hell a much better place for everyone. With a bit of work we could make a real difference here."

"Now this is why where in hell Goku," said Cell, "We've never wanted to make other people's lives better."

"Well do it to make your own lives better," declared Goku, changing tack, "surely you must be affected by crime here in some way."

"No," said Cell proudly, "everyone's too afraid to do anything to us!" Just then a brick flew though the window, hitting Cell on the head and flooring the evil android in one blow.

"Take that you jerk!" declared a voice from outside, followed by the sound of laughing and running away. Cell picked him self back up.

"I guess we could give it a go," he said trying to regain his composure.

"Great," said Goku cheerfully, "let's go to the police station and kit up for our first patrol! It will be fun!"

"Dose this mean that we get to play with police stuff!" asked Cooler bursting into the kitchen.

"Cooler you are not allowed in the kitchen!" snapped Freeza...


The police station hadn't been used for many many many many…. (I think you get the picture)… years. It lay in a steady state of decay behind a crumbling brick wall and a pair of rusty gates. In front of these gates stood the newly formed HIFL police force, with Goku fumbling though the keys.

"Darn it king kio," he muttered under his breath, "you said these things were labelled." Goku took a close look at the set of seemingly identical keys. To be fair he could see that they had once been labelled, however due millennia of rubbing and being left in a damp draw the ink that had once been written on the sticky labels was now long gone.

"I don't think we need to bother with the keys," said Freeza.

"Oh no," began Goku, "we're not going to break in to our own police station, one of these keys will fit in the pad lock." To prove his point the Saiyan Warrior pushed one of the keys into the rusty pad lock. This was quite a shock for the ancient pad lock, which had not been used since dinosaurs roamed the earth, and it promptly fell into two crumbly pieces in protest.

"Hmm," mused Goku, "that's not a very effective lock, oh well there's bound to be a spare one inside, lets go." Our hero pushed the gates open carefully. However not even a bomb disposal expert could have done it carefully enough. The gates instantly rocked back fell onto the ground, taking a surprising amount of the wall on either side with it. The group stared at the gates in a state of shock.

"What do you reckon the probability of there being a spare set of gates inside is?" asked Cell mockingly. Had he had a temper like Vegeta's, Goku would have hit him.


It turned out to be even harder to find a reason to be optimistic in side. Firstly all the windows and doors had been boarded up, which didn't make accessing the place any easier. Once they had finally found away in, (Cell had created a new door way), they had found a place so derelict and squalled that even the cockroaches had moved out. Goku's feat squelched on the rotting wooden floor as he pushed his way though the cobwebs in the dark entrance hall.

"Owww!" someone shouted near by. Goku swung around.

"Was that you Freeza?" he asked, "Are you okay?"

"Yes I'm fine," the ex emperor replied, "That's why I said owww."

"You do know that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit," said Goku defensively.

"Well I hope you know," began Freeza angrily, "that Monkeys are the lowest form of AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

"What's and aaaahhhhhhh?" asked Cooler as Goku ran over to the point where Freeza had been standing, and not entirely coincidently, the floor had just given way.

"I'm going to guess that you're not okay," said Goku looking down in to the blackness.

"I told him to lay off the snacks," said Cell disapprovingly, "but would he listen, nooooo."

"Shut up and get some rope," snapped Freeza.

"Why can't you just fly out?" asked Goku.

"Because I've got my leg stuck!" snapped Freeza getting more and more irritated.

"Maybe you could see better with a bit more light," suggested Cell powering up a ki ball. "Here catch." Cell through the ball into the darkness. It lit up the area slightly for a few moments, but promptly vanished accompanied by an:

"OW!" from Freeza, "You did that on purpose!" he whined.

"No I don't think he did that on purpose," said Goku powering up his own ki ball, "This is what it would have looked at if he had done it on purpose." Goku fired his, much larger ki ball, hitting Freeza right between the eyes, causing him to scream again.

"I didn't know you had it in you," mused Cell.

"Well I thought I would get it to the sprit of things," said Goku cheerfully, "But I think Freeza still needs some more light."

Cell and Goku quickly resumed there tormenting of Freeza, this time with multiple ki blasts. Freeza was not really taking it very well either.

"I'll get you for this," he screamed over the din. Cell laughed.

"How are you going to get us," he mocked, "when you're down there and we're up herrrrreeeeee."

Goku and Cell crashed onto the floor, admittedly it was the same piece of floor that they had been standing on a few moments a go, just it was no longer attached to what was now the ceiling.

"I guess I deserved that," mused Goku, "funny how pride always comes before a fall isn't it."

"Yes," agreed Cell, "although it's not so funny when it was clearly assisted!" he finished angrily.

"I don't know what you mean," said Freeza innocently trying to hide an energy disc behind his back.

"Oh yeah," snapped Cell, advancing on Freeza, "perhaps I should enlighten you!" Goku began to protest that this wasn't getting them any where but he needn't have bothered, as Cell was knocked to the ground by Cooler jumping into the pit!

"Why did you do that?" demanded the furious android.

"Everyone else had fallen in," said Cooler quietly, "I didn't want to be left out."

Cell through the insane creature off him and got up. The only reaction this got from Cooler was a glee full cry of;

"Weeeeee," followed by a loud bang as he crashed in to a locker!

"What did you do that for!" snapped Goku, beginning to lose his patience, "we've been in here for five minutes and were already trying to kill each other and smash up our own base! It's not exactly the best start to a career in Law enforcement is it?"

"No," agreed Cell, "But who can blame us, he's a lunatic and this place is a complete dump. There are bus shelters built better than this!"

"Yes," said Freeza in a surprisingly satisfied voice picking up something that had fallen out of the locker, "but one man's trash is another man's treasure…"


Goku and Cell carried the last of the lockers out in to the car park. No one had wanted to spend any more time inside the police station and this was the stuff that really mattered. The lockers you see where full three of the four things all policemen need, uniforms, badges and guns! (This was with the exception of one of the lockers which was full of Cooler busy pretending that it was a canoe, and singing "Row row row your boat" while he was at it.) Freeza held one of the guns in his hand now.

"Wow," he mussed, "I never realised how power full holding a gun makes you feel," he said. Cell and Goku looked at him.

"You could produce energy balls powerful enough to destroy planets!" exclaimed Goku.

"Yes but that never made me look this cool!" declared Freeza, spinning the pistol around on the end of his figure. "I would like to see Trunks kill me now," he declared, before attempting to slide the gun into his hand. He missed, dropping the gun. It hit the floor, bounced once, twice and the third time it fired! Everyone jumped, not being used to the sound of gun shots. Fortunately the only thing it hit was Cooler's "canoe".

"Oh no I've sprang a leek," Cooler cried, before standing up and saluting.

"What are you doing?" asked Cell.

"A good captain always goes down with his ship!" declared Cooler proudly, Goku cringed.

"Err… why don't you find some where we can store this stuff out of the rain Cooler," he suggested.

"Okay," said Cooler happily, before prancing off like a gazelle, going "Moo" as he went.

"Okay that'll keep him busy!" said Goku, "now lets sort out some uniforms and err… what are you doing Freeza?" Freeza looked at him sheepishly as he put another layer of duck tap on the weapons crate.

"I've decided that we can do with out guns you know," he said.

The uniforms went much better then Goku had expected, at first anyway. It didn't take him long to find one which fitted. Freeza didn't prove that much of a problem either as hell was equipped to deal with many different species. They even found one that would fit Cooler when/ if he came back. Cell proved to be more of a problem.

"Well the trousers look good," said Goku optimistically, "and this shirt does go over the wings."

"Yes as long as you stand up straight all day you will be fine," added Freeza.

"Okay," said Cell, bending down to pick up his helmet, and promptly ripping the shirt in the process. "Yeah this isn't really very practical," he said, "can't I work with out a shirt on? It would be much easier."

"But you need some wear to put your badge," protested Goku, "or else how would anyone know that you're a police officer."

"The helmet might be a bit of a give away," pointed out Cell.

"I've had a thought," said Freeza. He rummaged in a pile of clothes and pulled out a scarf. He tossed it to Cell. "Stick your badge on that." He said.

Cell wrapped the scarf around his neck and clipped his badge to in. That done he proceeded to "admire" himself a puddle.

"I look like a complete burke," he declared after some careful consideration.

"Trust me Cell," said Goku, "no the only piece of clothing that does you a favour is a balaclava."

"Oh great," said Cell sarcastically, "I'm getting fashion tips from someone who thinks orange and blue go together!"

"They d-" began Goku but before he could finish he was knocked over by someone jumping on his back. It was Cooler.

"I've found it, I've found it!" he declared proudly.

"You've found somewhere-" Goku began but was interrupted again.

"Come see it will keep everything dry!" Cooler declared running off.

"It's probably a lake," said Cell as they gave chase. Eventually they caught up with there hyperactive colleague next to a garage. Cooler was proudly pointing through the open door.

"Look," he said, "we can keep it in this squad car!"

"Or alternatively," suggested Freeza patiently, "we can store the stuff in the garage and use the squad car for transport!" Cooler looked at him,

"What are you mad!" he said. Goku quickly stepped in.

"Err… thanks Cooler why don't you find us some coffee now," he suggested, Cooler beamed and ran off leaving the sane members of the group to look at the car.

"Wow, now we really are a police force," said Goku, "all the great police men had there own cars, Starsky and Hutch had there Ford Torino, Inspector Morse had his Mark 2 Jag, and Sherlock Holmes had er… well you know what I mean" he petered off.

"So what do we have?" asked Freeza keenly. Cell wondered around to the back of the car to have a look.

"A Nissan Sunny," he declared. Goku paused and had another look at the car.

"Maybe we would be better off storing things in it," he said…


Right chapter 3 is done but I have nothing funny to say in this authors note…Who Cheered? Anyway same review criteria as always I would love to here for all of you, especially if you own, or know someone who owns a Nissan Sunny.