Here's Chapter 4, sorry that it's late I had an internet problem just as I was going to put it up. It's always the way isn't it, well not always but you know what I mean. Any way it's here now. Oh and apparently I've been blocking anonymous reviews with out realising it! Well that's been fixed now so you can review with out logging in if you want, (I hope anyway).
Your Friendly Neighbourhood Policeman
It took some time to turn the garage in to something that, with a bit of imagination, could be called an office. Doing this basically consisted of moving the car out side, moving the lockers and a desk inside and finishing off with whipping up enough dust to fill a truck. However once the sign declaring the garage as the new Police Station had been hung up everyone realised that it had all been a complete waste of time.
"No ones ever going to find us back here!" said Freeza, "you can't see it from the road!"
"Well perhaps people who park their cars here will spot it and spread the word," suggested Goku gesturing to the surrounding garages.
"That seems unlikely," said Cell, "considering that these are long term storage garage, no one can have been to any of these for at least fifty years!"
Goku looked around at the other garages, each one must have had decades of leaves and mud piled up in front of there doors.
"Looks like you're probably right," agreed Goku, saying what he was thinking.
"Yes," said Cell happily, "nothing we can do about it though. We'll just have to sit back here and play cards for the next one hundred and fourteen thousand years," he said magically producing a pack of cards from his pocket. "Anyone for poker?"
"I'm always up for poker!" said Freeza sitting down opposite Cell, "Shall we play five card draw, with twisted nickel leg, aces medium to low and max raise of two nickels and a farthings?" Cell looked at him.
"What the hell are you talking about?" he asked.
"I don't know," said Freeza sulkily, "I just wanted to sound like a poker expert. Like people do on the telly."
"Let's just play shall we," said Cell dealing the cards. Goku stepped in.
"Oh no," he said severally, or as severally as Goku could manage, "you two weren't assigned this job to sit around playing cards, where going to go out there and fight crime."
"How," said Freeza, "no one's going to call us because no one knows that we exist!"
"That doesn't stop us going on patrol," pointed out Goku, "and we can put these posters up while we're at it."
"You made posters!" exclaimed Cell snatching one of them off the Saiyan.
"Well Chi-Chi always used to tell me to think ahead," said Goku proudly, "so I took her advice prepared them just in case a situation like this arose."
"You never listened to her when she told you not to fight," muttered Freeza. "If you had I would be the immortal ruler of the universe and I wouldn't be stuck in this piss ridden hell whole playing cards with a giant cockroach and a monkey!" he suddenly looked up at his companions.
"Did I say that out loud?" he asked innocently.
Cell threw a paper weight at him before turning his attention to the poster. It read:
Need Help in a Hurry?
Are you Being Attacked or Robbed?
Are You or is Someone Near to You a Murder Victim?
If so Then Help is at hand with the Newly Reformed
HIFL Police Force
Simply call:
01303 718 691 379 740
Cell looked at Goku, who was smiling expectantly,
"Very good," he said, "There just one tiny flaw."
"What?" asked Goku?
"The number," explained Cell, "how is anyone supposed to remember that in an emergency? It's far too long; shouldn't it be something simple like 911 or 999?"
"Yeah, but those numbers are expensive to get" said Goku, "and in case you haven't noticed this is a low budget operation. Anyway people will remember the number eventually."
"Fine," said Cell "what's the number?"
"It's 01303 608 543 129" said Goku quickly, "see it will be fine."
"Yes it would be, if that was the right number!" snapped Cell. Goku stared at him in disbelief.
"But that was the right number!" he said showing Cell another one of the posters, "See!" Cell blinked, and then rapidly started looking at the other posters. He quickly came to a rather unfortunates conclusion.
"Goku," he said bluntly, "None of these posters have the same number on them." Goku looked at the posters himself.
"I new that guy at the poster shop wasn't paying attention!" he said throwing the posters down in frustration.
"Oh well," said Freeza, who had picked himself up by now, "I guess we can't go on patrol then."
"Of course we can still go on patrol," said Goku, "I'm not going to let some messed up posters stop that! We are going to start as we mean to go on!"
"What, we mean to go on printing mistake ridden posters," said Freeza smugly. Goku glared at him and picked up the paper weight.
"Just get in the car!" he said.
"Huh I thought you were nice," grumbled Freeza heading for the Car. Goku ignored him and turned to Cell.
"You too," he ordered.
"Sorry Goku," said Cell calmly, "but I mean to go on playing cards." Goku was just about to tell Cell what he intended to do with those cards when Cooler returned.
"I've got the coffee!" he declared happily with a steaming tea pot in his hand, "Where do you want it?"
"Right here," said Cell absentmindedly pointing to his chest. Cooler looked perplexed for a moment. However after a brief shrug he proceeded to pour the tea on the exact point where Cell had pointed. The android screamed as the boiling liquid hit his chest and leap to his feat.
"Glad to see you've regained your enthusiasm Cell," said Goku calmly guiding the hysterical android to wards the Sunny, "but could you just stop screaming. Police patrols are meant to help people relax. I don't think screaming is really going to help achieve that."
"Ah don't worry about it;" said Freeza smugly, "he could be our siren."
Like all major urban areas hell has rough neighbourhoods, the one place in town where most of the robberies, fights, murders and drug abuse takes place. The police are rarely made welcome in these parts; they are seen as oppressors or meddlers who break the gang controlled balance of power that exists in these areas. Never the less it was on of these areas that Goku had chosen for the HIFLPD's first patrol. Mainly because the only alternative to a rough neighbourhood was a rougher neighbourhood…
Our heroes confidently marched down the streets like the well organised crime prevention force they were. Well Goku marched, Cooler more sort of skipped with a huge smile on his face, Freeza walked glaring at anyone who dared look at him and Cell plodded at the back. However they where moving like the well organised crime prevention force that they weren't so the original statement was almost right.
"Good morning!" Goku said to everyone they past. Most of them glared at him and his halo, others said; "Piss off," and the most unpleasant people they met would spit at them. The first person who did this regretted it shortly afterwards because Cooler enthusiastically spat back. So much so that the man was soaked by the time Goku had persuaded him to stop.
"You too could help," he had exclaimed at Cell and Freeza as he wrestled the latter's older brother to the floor.
"Oh come on!" said Cell angrily, "That guy deserved it, he spat at us."
"Yes but as a good Police force we have to be above that sort of thing," said Goku determinedly, "besides it's not against the law to spit at a police officer."
"Actually it is," said Freeza who was busy reading a book called "the laws of hell",
"It also says here and we're allowed to beat up anyone who does it." He finished proudly
"It does not say that!" said Goku getting up to look in the book. "Oh," he said after having a look, "it does, well I guess you guys better enforce tha…" he looked up upon hearing the sound of screaming a thumping.
"Already taken care of," said Cell proudly beating the man to a pulp. Goku looked though the book for a bit longer. Eventually it dawned on him.
"Hang on a second, this book is hand written," he said suspiciously, "and the ink isn't even dry yet!"
He looked up to see Cell and Freeza let the man go.
"Well he won't do that again in a hurry," said Freeza proudly. Goku glared at him. "What?" asked Freeza innocently.
"Nothing," said Goku slyly, "you just look a bit thirsty that's all. Cooler why don't you get him some coffee…"
"We've been going for hours," complained Freeza a few hours later, "can't we have a break."
"We can't stop," said Goku determinedly, "what if there's a crime going on just around the next corner."
"You've said that for the last two hours," snapped Freeza, "and we haven't seen a single crime yet…"
"Ah ha," said Goku triumphantly, "so you admit that looking funny at and walking past a police man aren't crimes either. I knew it!"
"Darn I thought the printed book might have fooled you," muttered Freeza. "Anyway a five minute break can't hurt can it?"
"What's the matter Freeza?" mocked Cell, "all this walking too much for you? No wonder you lost to Goku."
"Actually I think this would be a good place to stop," said Goku after some though, "I'm hungry and we can get something to eat in the convenience store over there."
"Thank you," gasped Freeza happily, but the time that he took to make that simple gesture was enough for Goku, Cell and Cooler to collapse into the nearest bench.
"Since your still up Freeza," said Cell smugly, "could you go get us something to eat?"
Freeza glared at them as he received orders for a chocolate bar, a bunch of bananas and a doorstop. Angrily he stormed over to the shop and went inside. As he went down the isle he proceeded to pick out the smallest chocolate bar, blackest bananas and a doorstop to give to his colleagues. This wasn't too hard because everything is small, rotten or a doorstop in hell, especially in the convenience stores. Presently he reached the check out.
"That will be $60.99 please," said the clerk blandly as she chewed her gum.
"What for this junk!" snapped Freeza for whom this was the last straw, "Look at it you clot, there's so much rubbish in this store you should pay me to take in away!"
"Sooorrrryy!" snapped the clerk who clearly wasn't, "but that's how much it costs, so pay up or push off!"
"Darn you," grumbled Freeza as he reached into his pocket for his wallet. As he did so someone pushed past him.
"Put all the money in this paper bag!" the man barked pushing a gun into the clerk's face.
"Excuse me!" snapped Freeza, "but I was here first!"
"Oh yeah and what are you going to do about it?" asked the Gun man rudely.
Freeza had spent his entire life as a powerful and feared person, so if there was one thing he couldn't stand it was strangers who thought they were tough being rude to him. As a result the former evil dictator had the sudden desire to do his job…
Cell sat on the bench resting his sore feet. He ideal wondered how long it would take Freeza to get back with his food. Knowing how expensive convenience stores where the clerk was probably busy chopping one of Freeza's arms' off so he could pay for it. What he didn't expect was an armed robber to fly though one of the windows. He was follow shortly afterwards by Freeza who landed on the man's back and proceeded to hit him over and over again. Cell and co leap to there feat and ran over to the site of the action.
"What are you doing?" demanded Goku as they joined the crowd that was forming around the beating.
"This jerk push ahead of me to rob that store," snapped Freeza, "so I'm giving him what he deserves!"
"Good work Freeza," exclaimed Goku delightedly, "you foiled a robbery. You've caught our first criminal!"
"I have?" said Freeza, "wow and I though you couldn't arrest people for being rude to police officers!"
"Wait a second," said someone in the crowd "Is that Freeza as in Lord Freeza who used to blow up planets?"
"Speaking!" said Freeza proudly, "and who might you be?" The guy in the crowd hit him!
"You blew up my planet you jerk!" he barked. Freeza was about to respond when he was hit by another punch.
"You blew up mine too!" the person responsible for it said.
"Woe woe woe!" said Goku stepping in, "Come on guys he just stopped a robber, doesn't that show that he's changed for the better."
"Changed shanged!" said another person, "I want revenge and I'll be darned if I'm going to be lecture to by a Saiyan!"
"Yeah!" said someone else, "Let's get them!
"Wai-" began Goku, but he couldn't get anything else out before the crowd piled on top of him.
Cell and Cooler stepped back and watched the brawl develop in front of them. Cell was pretty sure Goku and Freeza would be okay. Rather a lot of the mob attacking them was going flying to prove it. However it was a rather large mob. Cooler's "thoughts" were on other things.
"I blew up planets too!" he declared jumping in to the brawl, "beat me up!"
Cell stood back and watched more people enter into the brawl. Eventually someone stopped beside him.
"Hey weren't you with those guys a second a go," he said aggressively.
"No I wasn't." Cell replied quickly, with no intention of being bundled.
"But you're dressed just like them!"
"Just a coincidence," said Cell mentally cursing his uniform, "I have no idea who those guys are!"
"No I saw you!" said someone else, "you are one of them aren't you!"
"No I swear on my own grave that I don't know them!" said Cell angrily, "can't you people get that into your thick heads!"
Just then a cock crowed twice. Cell paused for thought for a moment as the small group glared at him.
"Excuse me a sec," said Cell calmly waling away, "I'm a keen bird watcher you see and I've never see that particular bread of roster before…"
Okay folks hope you enjoyed that. Now if you want more information on the modern marvel of edible doorstops then you can order a copy of my book, "Cook your Own Doorstop", available at one or two low quality book shops.
