Okay folks sorry this is up later then planned; updates to the website scuttled my original plan. Anyway it's here now so I hope you enjoy.


Dirty sidings

The other world is generally a beautiful place, with trees, flowers, rolling meadows and just the sort of wondrous country side that you would expect to find in paradise. Of course this doesn't just happen by it's self, all those flowers need fertilizer if there going to survive. However, as nothing dies or goes to the toilet excessively in the otherworld it is not the easiest resource to come by. In fact the only way for the administrators from the other world to get there hands on enough of the stuff is to export it from hell, where there is plenty off decay and nearly every animal is incontinent, (especially the pigeons). This makes fertilizer the most valuable thing in hell as it is the only thing which brings in any money form the lands outside. Thus anyone who can get there hands on can become very rich and powerful….


Cell sat in the kitchen, eating breakfast and pondering what had happened the night before. He was sure that he had kicked that Saiyan right in the crotch, but he hadn't been hurt at all. That didn't really bode well for Cell. He had, though out his life, and death, gained a strong sense of self preservation, and a motto; "Never Fight a Battle You Can't Win". It had served him rather well, until the little set back against Gohan but how was he supposed to know that the kid was that strong, it wasn't like anyone had warned him about it. Well the kid had, but Cell had been sure that he was just showing off. Anyway he had just let the kid win, you know, to be kind.

Cell's some what twisted recollection of the Cell games was interrupted by Freeza entering the room, looking whiter than usual.

"I had a horrible dream," said the former dictator vaguely, "I think you were in it!"

"Oh that's just what I need to here first thing in the morning," said Cell sarcastically. "What ever your nightmare was it couldn't have been worse than last night!"

"I guess," said Freeza, "what are we going to do about that anyway?"

"I think we should probably do as they say," replied Cell after a pause. "It would work out best for everyone that way."

"Oh no," said Freeza determinedly, "I'm not going to be pushed around by my father! I might be pushed around by that humongous monkey thing he hired, but not by my farther!"

"Bravo," mocked Cell, "a real speech of defiance that was!"

"Oh shut up!" snapped Freeza sulkily. Cell was intending to mock him some more when the phone rang.

"Hello," said Cell cheerfully picking up the phone.

"Hi Cell," said Goku in not quite such a cheery voice as usual, "I need you two to get to the Police garage now. We need to discuss what happened to the prisoners last night."

"Okay," said Cell a little nervously, "we'll be there in a sec."

"What was that about?" asked Freeza as Cell hung up.

"Nothing much," said Cell calmly, "I think Cooler just let all the prisoners escape…."


"I don't see want the problem is," said Freeza unrepentantly to Goku once they had arrived at the police station, "None of the prisoners escaped!"

"Yes," said Goku in a manor suggesting there was a but coming up, "but (see) their "basic human rights for incarcerated persons" where not reached."

"You just read that politically correct nonsense out of a book!" snapped Freeza, "You have no idea what it means do you!"

"Of course I do," protested Goku flicking though the book, "ah here it is. It means that the prisoners are not being treated to in a satisfactory matter," he finished proudly.

"Hey they weren't treating us in a satisfactory matter," snapped Freeza, "that's why we arrested them! Why should we have to treat them well now?"

"I'm not suggesting that we make cups of tea for them or anything," said Goku in an irritated voice, "but I don't think that it's too much to expect for prisoners to be able to sit in their cells with out the building falling down on top of them!"

"Well there wasn't exact anything we could have done about that!" snapped Freeza, "if there going to be stupid enough to get themselves arrested when they know the police station is in a state of disrepair then that's there own stupid fault."

"And I did warn them not to dig that tunnel," said Cooler disapprovingly "but would they listen, Noooooo,"

"I think we should take the positives from this," said Cell encouragingly, "firstly no one escaped, secondly no one was killed, thirdly when all these people are released with all those bruises on them everyone will think we're really brutal and be to scared to commit crimes and fourthly the rescue effort started really promptly." Cell finished by gesturing to the large number of people digging thought the rubble, pulling out survivors and making sure they were okay.

"You don't see public out pouring of support and camaraderie like that very often down here too," mused Freeza, "so we've also helped make hell a friendlier place though this."

"Yeah," said Cell almost wistfully, "look they came to help so quickly that they didn't even have time to take off their suits."

"That's because they're not rescue workers," said Goku actually sounding angry. "They're lawyers, digging for a client to sue us with!"

"Oh," said Cell, "that would explain it. I supposed we better get one to defend us."

"Good idea," said Goku, "I'll go d-, Freeza why are you trying to burry yourself?"

"Don't judge me," snapped Freeza as he moved more rubble on top of himself, "this could be the best chance I get for years to make such a quick buck!"

Goku was about to reply when Cooler came running over with the phone (despite the fact that no one had seen him leave to get it)! The insane creature stopped and successfully tied himself up in all the wires before handing the phone to Goku;

"It's for you," he explained before collapsing into a heap of wires on the floor. Goku sat down on top of a rock to answer.

"Hello?" he said, "okay we'll be there right away," before hanging up. "Look sharp guys," he said standing up again, "we're about to start our first major investigation, someone has stolen several tones of…"

"Fertilizer," declared Cooler happily. Goku stared at him for a moment.

"How did you know that?" he asked.

"Well it is pretty obvious," said Freeza broadly, "why else would the author have put that rather dull paragraph about it at the start of the chapter…"


Our hero's arrived at the crime scene two hours later. It wasn't that the crime scene was a long way away; in fact it should have only been a five minute drive. However it had taken them half an hour to untangle Cooler and then they had got lost on the way. Eventually they arrived to find two rather angry people waiting for them.

"Not exactly a speedy response time is it," mocked one of them.

"I'm just glad there not the fire brigade," said the other. They both laughed as the Police Officers approached, Goku was sure that he recognised them. A moment later it clicked.

"Raditz, Nappa!" he declared in a cheery greeting, "I haven't seen you two for years, how are you guys doing?" Both Saiyans jumped.

"H-h-hi Kakarot," said Raditz nervously, "err… nice to see you again, did your son get over that whole, being kidnapped thing?"

"No actually it scared him for life," said Goku sadly, Raditz looked like he was about to flee when Goku perked up. "Only kidding!" he said warmly, "what you did was small fry compared to Cell here."

"Oh good," said Raditz sounding rather relived, "not good that that Cell guy scared him, bur good that I didn't and your not going to beat me up…. Well you get what I'm saying don't you?"

"Sure I do," said Goku, before turning to Nappa, "how are you doing?"

"Oh err well, I'm doing well," said Nappa who was also clearly uncomfortable in Goku's presence, "I-I haven't killed anyone since you taught me that lesson," he finished proudly.

"That's great!" said Goku sounding genuinely pleased about that, "Glad to see that you've learnt the error of your ways. Anyway what can we do for you?" The two relived Saiyans looked blank for a moment before apparently remembering why they had called the police.

"Oh yes the crime!" said Raditz, as though it was the sort of thing anyone could forget, "Yes well what do you want to know?"

"Who did it would be a big help," said Cell in a mocking voice.

"On TV they usually get the witness to tell them what happened first," said Goku more hopefully, "So let's start with that. Freeza make a note of what he says."

"Why me?" demanded Freeza angrily.

"Because I find it hard to read my own hand writing," said Goku in a matter of fact manor. "Right Raditz, what happened?"

"Well Nappa and I were just driving the train that delivers the fertilizer to the other world," said Raditz.

"Choo choo" declared Cooler happily; Cell hit him hard on top of the head.

"Sorry about that," said Cell please continue.

"Well all was fine until we got to this junction," said Raditz, "we stopped here for the signal when suddenly some guys got on and told us to keep our heads down and remain still or else they would kill us!"

"So what did you do?" asked Goku eagerly.

"Kept our heads down and we didn't get killed," declared Raditz proudly, "I'm not an idiot."

"Emhemchickenmmm!" coughed Freeza. Cell glared at him.

"Didn't you blow up a practically defenceless planet in order to avoid a possible future threat," he asked mockingly.

"Oh enough about me blowing up that dam planet already!" snapped Freeza. "I'm never going to be allowed to forget about it am I?"

"Probably not," mused Cell happily. Goku ignored them and asked Raditz some more questions.

"Did you see what they looked like?" he asked

"No,"

"Here any names?"

"Not as such,"

"Get any clues as to their identity?"

"No"

"Okay," said Goku calmly, "Are you getting all this Freeza."

"Yes" said Freeza sarcastically, "I'm drawing a detailed sketch of criminals now."

"Really?" exclaimed Goku, "because I thought that was all completely useless. Anyway do you guys know of anyone else that might have witnessed the crime?"

"You could ask our steam engine," suggested Nappa, "They probably didn't bother to threaten him."

"Really," said Goku, "okay we'll try that, come on Freeza lets go talk to him. Cooler and Cell, you two should start looking for evidence around the train."

"Oh joy," said Cell as they wondered off, "I get to look for evidence with Mr Brain on Ice."

"Hey don't call me insane," snapped Cooler, "I'm not the one trying to talk to a steam engine!" Cell looked at Cooler quizzically.

"Are you aware that you're talking to a glove puppet?" he asked. Cooler stared at the remarkably Cell like puppet on his left hand.

"Did you say something?" he asked it.


Goku and Freeza approached the engine that was resting peacefully in the siding.

"Hello," it said when they reached it, "I guess you two are here to ask me some questions about the robbery."

"Yes we are," said Goku looking at the engine closely, "Hang on a second, I know you, your Thomas the Tank Engine."

"Guiltily as charged" said Thomas happily.

"Wow," exclaimed Goku sounding slightly star struck, "My son Gohan used to read your stories all the time. You were great. What are you doing down here then? "

"Oh some kids where throwing stones at me," said Thomas bluntly, his eyes narrowed, "They got what was coming to them. Anyway what was it that you wanted to know?"

"We were wondering if you could give us a description of the criminals?" said Goku.

"Oh yeah that's easy," said Thomas happily, "They were a gang of aliens, varying heights, but one thing I could tell you about them was that they where all wearing battle armour, you know the kind all of the Icea's soldiers wear. They-"

"Well thank you very much!" declared Freeza, "come on Monkey lets go help the others search for evidence shall we."

"Wait I don't think he's finished yet," protested Goku, but Freeza pulled with too much force.

"Come on Goku," he encouraged, "surely you know that they won't accept a steam engine's evidence in court. He wouldn't fit in the dock."

"I heard that!" snapped Thomas. However Freeza had a strong grip on Goku's arm and was able to drag the Saiyan away.

"So," said Goku as he was dragged away, "do you have any idea what he was talking about. You know with those guys battle armour?"
"None what so ever," declared Freeza, "Personally wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him."

"Surely you're strong enough to throw a steam engine quite far," pointed out Goku.

"Oh forget the metaphor!" snapped Freeza, "I just don't think we will find any evidence to support his claim."

"Hey Goku!" called Cooler running over, "Look at all this evidence I've found!" Goku looked eagerly through the box of scouters, helmets, arm blasters and Icea soldier identity cards. Freeza quietly went pale as he watched.

"Good work Cooler," said Goku determinedly, "I think we're well on our way to finding out who did this. I wonder if Cell found anything."

"No I didn't," said Cell suddenly walking in on there conversation, "but on the plus side I did manage to get a nice fire going."

"Arrh well," said Goku calmly, "The stuff Cooler found should be good enough, let's return to the police station to discuses our next move."

"I advise Queen's pawn to knight 6210¹º!" declared Cooler bouncing off after Goku. Cell and Freeza plodded a little way behind.

"It wasn't really very discrete of your dad to threaten us and then commit a major crime on the same day!" said Cell sulkily.

"Nah well subtlety was never my father's strong point," mused Freeza, "did I tell you about the time he blew up a planet because they made a spelling mistake on their tax return."

"And people wonder how you turned out as a mass murder," committed Cell. "So how are we going to avoid getting our necks broken?"

"My Mum always used to tell me to ignore problems and hoped they went away," said Freeza. Cell looked at the logic of that for a moment.

"Your mum wasn't really a woman of action was she?" he said.

"No not really," admitted Freeza, "but can you think of an easier way out of this?" Cell paused to thought.

"You know," he said calmly, "I think I can…"


Okay I hope that was enjoyable. Just a quick guest disclaimer which is that I don't own the Rev W Awdry's creation Thomas the Tank Engine. Right we'll find out about Cell's plan next chapter so I hope to see you then. Please feel free to make any comments or suggestions or constructive criticisms in a review I would be pleased to here from you.