Chapter 9:

As he walked down the corridors in NG Tatsuha, desperately tried to see if he could remember anything about the place. He had absolutely no idea where to go, so he just followed his brother. They reached the room after a few minutes and heard Ryuichi singing with Shuichi. It looked like they were having fun, both the bands performing simultaneously. Tatsuha found that he couldn't take his eyes off Ryuichi, the man was awesome…ok now I should feel it…I should get that fan boy feeling I used to get before… but nothing happened.

Ryuichi didn't feel like putting his all into this…he was too preoccupied, wondering what the hell was up with him, succumbing to the gaze of one teenage boy. He just closed his eyes and sang for the fun of it. Upon opening them, he saw the said boy's gaze on him once more, and felt a tingle in his stomach for a minute.

"Uh…hey Tatsuha, Eiri-san. What's up? What are you guys doing here?" He smiled and walked up to them.

"Well we thought we'd…uh" Tatsuha got shoved to the side as Shuichi tackled Eiri. Ryuichi caught him as he fell, their eyes locked for a moment before Ryuichi pulled away. Tatsuha straightened and continued as though nothing had happened. "We thought we'd drop in and see you guys."

There was a sequel of happiness from Shuichi at that. he glomped Eiri once more, now kissing the life out of him, oblivious to the stares of the entire hotel staff. Eiri was struggling to get away from him. "Stop…Shuichi, you're suffocating me!"

Ryuichi shook his head and turned to Tatsuha with a smile. His mask had come up suddenly. "Ooooo, Tat-kun why do you look so happy now? Tell me tell me! Kuma-chan wants to know too!"

Tatsuha blinked at Ryuichi's sudden shift to his childish side. The singer was grinning at him for all the world looking like an excited child. "Uh…ok I'll tell you. My memory came back today…well most of it, my child hood and stuff." He staggered as Ryuichi hugged him suddenly. He wasn't used to him acting like this.

"Yay! Tatsuha-kun, I'm so happy! We have to go celebrate! What shall we do? Huh? Huh?" Ryuichi jumped up and down a little. "let's take Eiri-san and Shuichi also ne?" he grabbed Tatsuha's hand and started running off.

To Tatsuha's surprise, Noriko caught hold of the singer with a growl. "RYUICHII! You haven't finished here yet baka! You promised that after taking a break with Shuichi-kun, you would come back and do the recording!"

Ryuichi turned to her and started to sob going all chibi cry baby form. "Please, please Noriko-chan! Let me go…" seeing the woman shake her head, he bawled louder. "Noriko-chan hates me! Please don't hate me Noriko-chan! Wwaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!"

Noriko's eye started to twitch and Tatsuha jumped up and picked Ryuichi up just before the chair hit him. Noriko shook her fist at them. "You can go Ryuichi, just get out of my side or I'll kill you!"

Ryuichi smiled in glee before grabbing Tatsuha and Shuichi, who in turn grabbed Eiri and running out of the room. He didn't stop until they were all in a limo; Shuichi was cuddling an exhausted Eiri, who'd fallen asleep. Soon the pink haired singer was asleep too.

Tatsuha sneaked a look at Ryuichi. He'd stopped acting childish. Instead he looked tired and his head hung forward slightly. Before he could stop himself Tatsuha had asked the question that was bugging him. "Why do you act like that with the others?"

Ryuichi's head suddenly jerked upwards and he turned to Tatsuha. "Hmm? What do you mean?"

"You know exactly what I mean Ryuichi! Why do you act like such a child in front of all those people? I've always seen you mature and serious with me, but with them…." He trailed off; sure Ryuichi had gotten what he implied.

The singer's eyes hardened a little. "I'm sorry Tatsuha-san but that's none of your business." He looked at Tatsuha's slightly hurt look and smiled suddenly. "So Tatsuha, where would you like to go for a celebration?"

Tatsuha almost screamed. Why was he feeling so hurt? And why was Ryuichi calling him Tatsuha-san? Most of all he felt like shaking the older man. Why the hell was he putting up a mask with him, Tatsuha now? He'd bet anything that the smile was fake. But then he realized that Ryuichi needed space as well. He just suggested a café somewhere near Eiri's house.

After that Ryuichi became somewhat silent. He just stared out the window and answered Tatsuha's questions in monosyllables. Tatsuha abandoned conversation. He fell to brooding about Ryuichi like he was doing before he got to the studio. When he had heard Ryuichi sing at the studio, it had been pretty average…he didn't think it was awesome, he wasn't inspired with all the fan boy emotions. So what was Ryuichi to him? He looked at the singer once more.

Ryuichi was asleep, looking peaceful and at peace. Tatsuha resisted the urge to reach out and run his fingers along that pale cheek. Ok, so Ryuichi was a person who was really important to him, he couldn't bear to loose the man, but was this love?

The limo stopped jerking Ryuichi awake and rudely putting an end to Tatsuha's musings. Ryuichi looked at him and the earlier tension was back. They woke Shuichi and Eiri. The rest of the celebration went really well, though Ryuichi had his mask firmly in place and Tatsuha was trying his best to ignore it. They got back home pretty late after dropping Eiri and Shuichi at their apartment.

Tatsuha's eyes looked at Ryuichi begging him to stay. Ryuichi sighed and followed the boy into 'their' bedroom. He then stripped and pulled on some pajamas and slipped into bed. Soon Tatsuha's arm snaked around him, pulling him closer.

"Ryuichi…I'm sorry I shouldn't have pried." Tatsuha's voice came softly against Ryuichi's ear. He stiffened and then sighed. Tatsuha was trying to break the tension here; he should make an effort too.

He had no idea why he was so mad…he had told himself that he'd tell Tatsuha about everything, but then he'd thought of doing it slowly. Tatsuha's question had caught him off guard…that wasn't the only reason…every time he looked into Tatsuha's eyes he saw all the doubt in them. It made him want to do something crazy…it hurt goddammit! Why was the idiot kid looking at him like that?

He gasped as Tatsuha kissed him. The boy's warm tongue assaulted his mouth again and again till he kissed back. He loved the way Tatsuha tasted; it was so intoxicating…he wished it could be forever. He was harshly jolted out of his thoughts as his mind went through a melt down….Tatsuha's knee was rubbing against his crotch. Ryuichi moaned softly, which encouraged the dark haired teen to replace his knee with his hand. His fingers wrapped around the singers cock, stroking, thumbing the slit, squeezing slightly. Ryuichi tried to hold on to the last shreds of sanity…he just wanted to slam the boy onto the bed and take him. Tatsuha started to stroke faster; soon Ryuichi was near the brink, his hands fisting the blankets, delicious sounds erupting from his throat.

Tatsuha didn't think he'd ever seen Ryuichi look that beautiful…his face was flushed and he was making lovely, sexy noises. Tatsuha felt the singers groin tighten and kissed him harshly, swallowing the man's scream as he came.

Lights went off in Ryuichi's head; he panted trying to get his breath back. That had been mind-blowing…(actually I know it wasn't that good, but then I didn't want to put in any lime here!). he opened his eyes and looked at Tatsuha…the boy smiled at him, but then all that doubt still lurked in the background.

As Tatsuha reached to kiss him, Ryuichi pushed him away angrily. "What the hell is going on?" his voice came out too harsh. Tatsuha flinched like he'd been hit.

"What do you mean, Ryuichi? Why are you so angry, I told you I was sorry…?" Tatsuha looked up at the singer in confusion.

Ryuichi glared at him. "I just want to know…what am I to you Tatsuha? Why are you doing this?"

Tatsuha gaped at him, what was Ryuichi to him? "I…" Ryuichi's eyes filled with hurt and anger.

"Am I just someone you can play with Tatsuha? The great Sakuma Ryuichi…your fucktoy? Why do you…" Ryuichi trailed off, not knowing how to put it all in words. Tatsuha stared at him shock.

"No…Ryuichi you're not a fucktoy. What made you think that? What's going on Ryuichi, please don't act like this! I…I like you Ryuichi…" Tatsuha tried to hug him.

"Then why do you doubt me? What do you doubt about me? Do you know how much it hurts, when you stare at me with all that doubt? I can see it you know I'm not as stupid as everyone thinks I am!" Ryuichi curled his fingers into fists.

Tatsuha looked at ground…how was he going to explain this one? "Ryuichi, I'm sorry I hurt you ok? It's just, I want to remember how I felt about you before…I need to know how I felt about you before. I've read all about it in my diary, but I don't have those fan boy feelings anymore…to me you're just an average person that I like a lot. But before you were a god…I need to know why…" at last Ryuichi let him slip his arms around him.

After a while, he snuck a glance at the singer. Ryuichi turned to him and smiled. "I'm sorry to Tatsuha-kun. I shouldn't be so harsh and pressurize you, you know…" the smile didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Please don't…"

Ryuichi almost didn't hear it. He looked up at Tatsuha with a frown. "What?"

"Please don't…don't wear your mask with me…I want you to trust me Ryuichi…don't ever do that again…" Tatsuha put his head against the singers back as he whispered.

Ryuichi turned and lifted Tatsuha's face to look into his eyes. He looked for a long moment before his mouth twisted into a crooked smile. He kissed him softly. "Fine then, Tatsuha…let me tell you why I wear this mask..."

He pulled Tatsuha onto his lap and buried his face in the dark hair. "I was born in a small village, a few miles away from Osaka. My mother was very weak after I was born…she wasn't supposed to have children you see, I was this mistake that she had made. A year or two after I was born, she died. my father hated me, he always blamed me for her death. I spent the next few years trying to make him love me, but he never did. Make no mistake I had all the material thing any one could wish…at least any villager could wish for. When I was eight years old, he left…

"I was made to stay with my grandmother…she hated me too, she hadn't wanted father to marry my mother, but he'd insisted, in that way I earned the grudge of both my father and grandmother. I cried for years Tatsuha-kun…six years of my existence had only been filled with tears. I used to wish he'd hit me or abused me, anything to show me that I existed. But when I was with my grandma I realized that crying was not an option…she used to love to see me cry, so maybe I just stopped so that she didn't have the pleasure. I decided that maybe if I did well in school, things would be alright. So I worked hard and was top of the class all the time…I was happy making everyone else laugh too, so I tried my best to be happy all the time.

"Then one day, when I was twelve my father came back home with a new wife. In those four years he was away he had married again, had kids and started a whole new family that I wasn't a part of. It hurt so bad…after everything I'd done…he'd cut me out of the family for good. My music teacher at the time was very impressed with the progress I was making. He decided to get me a scholarship, when I was sixteen. My grandma had died by then and I was living in this room at my father's house. No one in the family loved or noticed me. So the moment I was offered the scholarship, I took it and moved out. I trained hard and long…soon I met Tohma and Noriko. I had this happy mask you see, because people loved me better when I was always happy. By acting childish and idiotic, people laughed and I was acknowledged.

"Then when Nittle grasper made it big, I gained the acknowledgement I wanted…from everyone in the world except the one I craved it from the most. The mask helps me Tatsuha-kun…getting to know people only hurts you in the end. Better the world sees me like that and loves instead of seeing all my faults and imperfections. This way they think I have no weakness…they think I'm just a little eccentric and childish…that's ok…you know I like it in a way."

He stopped and waited for Tatsuha to speak. The teen reached backwards to ruffle his hair. "Baka Ryuichi…" Ryuichi looked a little surprised. The teen lay down pulling him down beside him. He cuddled up to the singer and yawned a little. "Just be yourself with me Ryu…you're not perfect…that's why I love you…"

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A/N: o.k. this was a little long, but I couldn't stop and if Ryu's explanation didn't make too much sense I'm sorry ok? Now me sleepy…so goodnight!

Taka