Fairy Tail is the property and creation of Mashima Hiro and Kodansha.

Magic Knight Rayearth is the property and creation of CLAMP and Kodansha.

Mahou Sensei Negima! is the property and creation of Akamatsu Ken and Kodansha.


Irremediably Collateral and Supplemental.

Chapter Two: Life's a Beach.

Proofreading and Edits by Shadow Crystal Mage.


WARNING: This chapter includes guest appearances by, amongst others, Kikukawa Yukino from Mai HiME (not to be mistaken with Fairy Tail's own Yukino), Kiryuu Nanami and Tsuwabuki Mitsuru from Revolutionary Girl Utena and Shidou Hikaru from Magic Knight Rayearth. To know who are they and what are they doing around the Guild, please feel welcome to read Unequally Rational and Emotional and Magic is what you want it to be, also from Yours Truly!


Lucy Heartfilia ran out of the dressing booth and onto the golden sands of the beach, tossing her loose, light blond hair back and spreading her arms in happiness. She made a small jump that caused her considerable assets to bounce visibly, and called out the ancient Summer Invocation known across both worlds.

"Ahhh, the beach! Blue skies! Yellow sands! White clouds! And me!" she coquettishly added, a tiny pink heart briefly fluttering at the end of the speech bubble hovering above her right then.

"Aye, Sirrrrr!" shouted Happy the cat, wearing an inner tube around his waist and jumping as well, waving a small paw up. Lucy was still too contented to let his presence ruin her mood, though. At least until he said, a moment later, "Shouldn't you be working right now, though? Such bad work ethics for someone who's still a newbie, tsk tsk...!"

She pressed the bare sole of a foot on his face and grinded it there while chuckling. "Of course I am working, Happy! If I came here at all, it's only because of a job offer posted on the request board! One that I don't remember applying to you at all...!"


At the Fairy Tail Guild, Loke stared helplessly at said board, and most specifically at the pinned post reading 'Beach Swimwear Model Needed' with Lucy's seal of acceptance plastered on it.

"... why didn't anyone ever tell me about this?"


"Look at the bright side, Heartfilia-san," Tsuwabuki Mitsuru said, "at least it's just us here tagging along, and not Loke-san or Makarov-sama..."

"Yeah, okay, point," Lucy grunted, finally lowering her foot from Happy's now purplish face. "At least you are- WHAT THE HELL, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE TOO?!"

"Well," Kiryuu Nanami said, wearing a pink one-piece with a frilly skirt added, plus sunglasses, a summer hat and matching sandals, "we aren't official members of your Guild, so why should we be restrained to your premises in the first place? We are to roam every corner of Mundus Magicus until we find the princess, after all!"

Lucy angrily pointed to the West mainland. "You could start looking up the dark mountains or something! I doubt the forces of darkness will keep the princess locked up at a vacation resort!"

Not far away, a tall, stone faced man with long dark hair and wearing identity-concealing magic sunglasses in swim trunks handed an ice-cold smoothie to a small, compact-looking girl with long blonde-haired and identity-concealing magic sunglasses in a bikini handcuffed to a beach chair.

Kikukawa Yukino, in a simple green one piece and sandals, gulped. "Th-That's right, of course, but we figured out we needed a short break after so many months of fruitless search..."

"What search, you've spent those months chilling at the guild, I don't even remember the last time you guys actually went out and fought anyone!" Lucy protested, tossing her arms up and causing all nearby average beachgoers to wisely keep a wide distance from her and her companions. "You guys must be the worst adventurer party ever, seriously!"

"... I think I'd like to disagree," muttered a brown-haired boy down the coastline who was being buried in the sand by a loli in a red one piece and pointy witch hat, a bombshell blonde in a tiny white bikini, and a chuckling blue haired drunk woman in a blue thong. "Also, help, please? Anyone willing to trade parties? I'll pay generously, I'm serious..."

Shidou Hikaru, in a sensible enough red bikini, giggled at Lucy's latest outburst. "Please calm down, Lucy-san! We're actually here for you, not because of the paradisaical sights, warm weather, or lack of any tables to tend to anywhere around!"

"... I think I'd like to disagree," muttered a spiky haired boy in swimming trunks working at a seafood stand not too far away, tending tables with a giant black dog-man and a short white duck. "Seriously, Donald, what in the world happened to all our munny?!"

The white duck rushed out an unintelligible explanation that had the Magic Knights, Lucy and Happy simply staring blankly at them, before the boy growled again, "Whaddya mean they don't accept munny in this world?! They accept munny everywhere from Agrabah to Deep Space!"

"... okay, anyway, the point is we're here to support you and your dreams!" Hikaru told Lucy, grabbing her hands and smiling. "Even if your dream is appearing in a porn magazine of dubious reputation!"

"WEEKLY SORCERESS ILLUSTRATED IS NOT A PORN MAGAZINE!" Lucy protested, a vein bulging on her head. "It's an extremely prestigious publication filled with thought provoking articles on all manners of magical subjects!"

The small crowd passing along the beach had started whispering among themselves. "You heard that? They're about to start a porn shoot, man..."

"Don't get too excited, they'll probably cordon the area and shoo everyone away, damn mages thinking they own the world..."

"I hope the one with the sunglasses has a double page spread, she's so hot..."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING 'HOT', YOU DEVIANT?!" Nanami and Tsuwabuki both shouted furiously at the source of this particular whisper, who whimpered and ran away, losing himself in the crowd.

Lucy frowned bitterly. "Okay, so now we've made it clear I DON'T DO PORN, SERIOUSLY, GUYS, what the hell happened to that camera crew anyway? For members of a PRESTIGIOUS WHOLESOME NON-PORN MAGAZINE OF SPOTLESS REPUTATION, they sure are late! What a lack of professionalism!"

"No, you're just three hours early," Motsu observed while examining a clock in a webbed hand and Lucy's private diary in the other. "You're simply too eager to carry out this photoshoot, but in a good way."

"YOU TOO?!" Lucy screamed at the tiny green frog, her hair standing up.

Motsu looked stupidly at her. "What's the problem? I'm in this story too, even if I hadn't appeared in far too long. I was bound to be back, in a good way."

"Me too, nya!" Shimichi sweetly meowed, popping out of Lucy's handbag, which had been resting aside on the sand.

"Darling!" Happy ran to her.

"Sweetums, nya!" Shimichi bounced up to him, and they spun together in a tight embrace, pink hearts flapping away all around them. Lucy, the Knights and Motsu all cringed in disgust at the sudden display of cooing, meowing saccharine.

"Yeah, it's just sickening, ain't it?" Natsu Dragneel opined.

"You bet your ass," Gray Fullbuster agreed with him for once. "For the sake of all that's holy, let's just hope they can't breed..."

"GAH, EVEN YOU!" Lucy screamed, backing away in surprise at the sight of the Speedo wearing young men. "It's, it's a conspiracy! Mirajane never told me you'd be coming along too!"

"Mirajane's not my mom," Natsu snorted, picking his nose absently. "Anyway, we're Nakama, so we hadta come 'round t'make sure you weren't falling for a porn ring..."

"IT'S NOT PORN, IT'S ART!" Lucy shrieked. "Okay, who's next? Elfman? Cana, it's Cana, right? Oh Lord, no, but never mind, Cana would have started fondling me all over by now..."

"You've got too much porn in the brain," Natsu told her.

"Then again, I guess it'd make your magazine sell very well," pondered Gray. "You want me to give Cana a call...?"

"Do it and you'll be calling the hospital next!" Lucy threatened. "Listen up, now; I'll never forgive you, any of you, if you screw this photoshoot up! This is my big time ticket to fame and fortune!"

"Who'd pay you a fortune for seeing your naked body?" Natsu asked. "You keep showing it wherever you go for free, and you aren't even naked now anyway..."

The bikini clad blonde stomped a foot down. "Shut up, it's your fault I keep having accidents with my clothes wherever I go! People like you are the worst!"

Somewhere else, in Mundus Vetus, a spellbound Negi Springfield sneezed, violently stripped Takane D. Goodman and Sakura Mei, and then jumped past them to keep his pursuit of one Murakami Natsumi's lips...

"You heard Lucy already, boys," a calm, aloof Erza Scarlet said, walking up to greet them, in her usual ensemble of tall metal boots, armored chestplate and sleeves, and long black skirt. "Stop monkeying around and, I don't know, go chase boars around or something. We'll handle this among us girls, right, Lucy?"

"Even you, Miss Erza..." Lucy sighed sadly.

"Chasing boars?" Yukino asked the tall redhead. "What are you saying, Erza-san, shouldn't they go to the mountains for that?"

"Maybe that's exactly the point?" Tsuwabuki quite sensibly pointed out.

Natsu chuckled at Gray. "Heard that, Gray? They don't even know about sea boars!"

Gray smiled and shook his head. "Such noobs, really..."

"GROOOOOO!" agreed a boar's head, briefly poking out of the seawater.

"AH!" Natsu jumped for it. "It's mine! This one's mine!"

"Only if I don't get it first, you punk!" Gray roared, running after him.

Lucy watched the boys bolting away for the sea with a pout, and then looked at Erza again. "By the way, why are you wearing that armor at the beach? Aren't you feeling like you're cooking alive?"

"It's good endurance training," Erza smiled. "But I'll admit it does look quite out of place here, so... Hah!" she gave a short cry as she equipped her armor magic, and a second later she stood there... wearing a very revealing, shiny silver bikini made of...

"I-IRON?!" Lucy gasped, her eyes bugging out.

Erza folded her arms and chuckled. "Only because I don't have swimming in mind just yet. If I change my mind, I'll equip a steel bikini instead..."

"Aren't you sinking wearing something like that in the water?!" Nanami said. "No, forget that, isn't it burning your crotch? You're wearing hot metal on top of a sensitive area that's only meant to be treated nicely!"

"Excuse me," the blonde bombshell in the brief white bikini said, drooling slightly. "Where can I get a metal bikini like that?"

"No. It's good strength and heat endurance training," Erza explained for Nanami, with her hands on her hips, enjoying the awed gawkings and admiration filled glances from the assorted beachgoers, and wondering how long it would take for one of them to grow bold so she could have some good old punching fun at last. "By the way, Lucy, do you even have any swimsuit modeling experience?"

"It's not porn, it's just swims- I mean, no, I don't have any, sorry!" she corrected herself in mind sentence, chuckling apologetically. "But it's okay, how hard can it be? I'm sure I'll be a natural!"

"You only have experience at porn then, in a good way?" Motsu asked, right before Lucy stomped him down.

"Why the violence?" Happy asked. "I thought that was a perfectly valid question myseEEEEEEEE, CANNONBALL!" he excitedly said as he was punted off into the sea.

Shimichi happily bounced after him. "Ohhhh, let's go skinny dipping, yes...!"

"You never wear any clothes!" Lucy shouted at them, then turned angrily on the others. "And I'd better not hear any 'neither do you' comments either!" she threatened the group.

"What's so bad about not wearing clothes?" a passing pony wearing a hat and sunglasses said, sounding miffed.

"No need for that," Nanami coldly said, "since you graciously just did it for us..."

"Girls, girls," Erza scoffed. "Enough of this petty cattiness. Lucy!"

"Yes, Ma'm?"

"You'll never be a good model if you haven't mastered the basics of sex appeal!" the redhead told her.

Lucy blinked exaggeratedly, with a hand on her own chest. "Isn't, isn't this enough sex appeal?"

"Not for a worldwide magazine! Only the best will suffice!" Erza barked like a drill sergeant, or Sagara Sousuke, which was basically the same but in a different rank. "Good thing I came along! I'll teach you all you need to know on visual appeal tactics!"

At this point pretty much everyone in the beach stopped whatever they were doing and gathered quickly in a loose circle around them, waiting expectantly, many pulling small cameras and the assorted Mundus Vetus-smuggled smartphones out. Only Gray and Natsu remained in the water, rushing after the elusive sea boar, while Erza smiled proudly, striking her best mightily sexy and sexily mighty pose. Many men in the crowd crossed their legs awkwardly, and Yukino absently chewed on her lower lip, blushing and spacing out...

... only to be returned to reality when Erza quickly picked her, pulled her to herself, and forced her to adopt a sudden butt-and-chest thrusting pose, making the crowd go wild. "Look at this! Through the convenient appliance of sensual positioning, even the plainest looking girl can become a veritable goddess of sensuality! Take notes! And pictures! Today, you'll walk away from this as changed people, ready to find true beauty in anyone...!"

Somewhere in Mundus Vetus, Suzushiro Haruka winced visibly. "Why do I feel like my belongenings have just been threatened...?"

"Maybe because Negi-kun's been charmed to give Natsumi-chan the deepest, most passionate kiss he's able of, genius...?" Kakizaki Misa asked as they ran across the Mahora rooftops together in hot pursuit.

"No, no, I mean, besides that...!"


"And I call this one The Innocent Temptress!" Erza exposed, forcing Yukino's body into a new, suggestive position under her. "This one's The Prancing Nymph!" she added, turning the moaning girl around and making her to slightly raise a leg back until Yukino's foot touched Yukino's own butt, the other foot daintily touching the ground as if frozen in the act of skipping playfully. "And this one demands for two, but it's a great one, The Delight of the Maidens!"

At this, she wrapped her arms around Yukino's much lighter frame and suggestively leaned towards her, eyes half-closed, expression just as serious as ever. Yukino, blushing now more than ever, muttered a pathetic, "Muh, muh, muh, Ha-Ha-Haru-I-mean, Er-Er-Er-!"

The crowd went wild, several women having enough and dragging their men away as quickly as they could, a few other men excusing themselves away while wobbling on rather strange fashions, often shielding their crotches with their hands. Nanami had her hands firmly clasped around Tsuwabuki's eyes as her mouth hung open, and Hikaru let out a long whistle while cocking her head aside curiously.

Finally, Erza let go off the blissfully sighing Yukino and bowed formally for the masses, who were madly clapping, cheering and wolf-whistling for her. Then she turned back to Lucy. "And that is how you do it. Of course, you need practice to back the theory up, but I'll help you with it as soon as your camera crew arrives. I'll even give you a discount since we are friends..."

Lucy, her face beet red and her eyes obscured by oddly framing bangs of her hair which didn't seem to have been there minutes ago, boiled up with rage before screaming, "Like hell you will!"

Gray and Natsu paused immediately in the middle of their aquatic chase, allowing the sea boar to quickly swim away into the ocean. "Oh shit!" the Dragon Slayer cursed.

"She's just challenged Erza, this... this isn't going to end up well..." Gray swallowed hard.

Lucy whipped a small shiny key from somewhere within her skimpy bikini. "Open! A door to the water bearer, Aquarius!"

Instantly, as the crowd ran for cover, except for the busty blonde in the skimpy bikini from earlier (who had to be kept back by her teammates while shouting she wanted to be punished by both sides), a massive burst of water manifested itself out of thin air, and in the middle of it appeared a gorgeous, shapely mermaid with long blue hair holding a huge golden jar.

"Aquarius!" Lucy commanded, pointing at Erza. "Protect me from her!"

Aquarius looked at Erza.

Erza looked back at Aquarius.

Neither smiled, both frowned. Neither did anything, either.

Aquarius looked at Lucy. "Are you fucking crazy?"

"Noooooo!" Lucy protested. "She, she's acting like a pervert, and she wants to ruin my big photoshoot, and, and she's making Yukino more popular than me!"

"How so?" Aquarius coldly asked.

"By, by fondling her like a madwoman before everyone!" Lucy sputtered. "Seriously, what do you need so many explanations for?! Just start attacking already!"

"I'm not fucking crazy," Aquarius said. "I'm not going to waste my life attacking her just because you're jealous she's fondling that girl instead of you."

"Th-That's not why!" Lucy cried. "Why, why would I want her strong hands roaming all over my soft, feminine body anyway?!"

"Master," another voice said from behind her then, making her skin crawl. "Just leave it to me. Even if you ask me to fight the gods for you, I gladly will do so...!"

Lucy shrieked, spinning around and facing the amorous, huffing, hulking man-bull who had just appeared, staring at him with deeply JIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII sounding eyes. "What the hell! I, I didn't summon you, Taurus!"

"That's the power of my DEEP DEVOTION for you, Master Lucy...!"

Standing in the shallow waters of the shore, Natsu snorted. "Feh, shoulda known Lucy's team wouldn't be gutsy enough to actually fight Erza... JUST LIKE YOU, GRAY, YOU PANSY! Because of you, the sea boar escaped away!"

"What the fucking hell?!" his frenemy reacted. "I was corralling it from all sides! It only got away because you got distracted and it fled by your side!"

"You screwing liar!" Natsu accused. "You were slow and it ran past you, that's what! And put some clothes on already!"

"Whatcha shouting about, you sissy, we're in a beach!"

"Yeah, but not a nudist beach, you weirdo!" Natsu pointed down, making it clear that Gray had somehow lost his Speedos in the water during the hunt.

"... oh, I see," Gray quietly said, ignoring the stones Mitsuru and Nanami had just tossed onto his head. "But that's your fault too, it wouldn't have happened if you'd just caught the damn boar from the start!"

"Stop fighting, you idiots!" Erza roared at them.

Ignoring her, Natsu unrooted a palm tree and coated it with fire from his hands, swinging it around like a flaming bat. "Since you can't help but showing your ass off, let's see if you like this up it, pervo!"

"How about I freeze your useless nuts off instead, prissy bastard?!" Gray threatened, summoning deadly ice blasts into his hands.

"Okay, I warned you fairly! Now it's time for your punishment!" Erza seethed, already brandishing two swords at once.

"Oh yes, yes, please! Punish me too, will you?! Will you?!" the blonde with the ragtag adventuring team begged, while the young man and the loli still tried to restrain her, the blue haired woman simply goofing around not giving a shit about anything happening anymore.

"Damn you, Darkness!" the young man said. "Do you know who those are?! Like hell they'll stop at you...!"

"Oh, if we must share the pleasure of the agony only Titania can dish out, then so be it...!" the blonde deliriously cooed, struggling even harder to reach the conflict in the making.

"I can't resist anymore, Master...!" the lovestruck bull mooed, chasing Lucy in wide circles around the beach.

"If I'm your Master, then obey me and drop that already, pervert...!" Lucy cried while Aquarius floated aside and laughed at her heart's content of her misery, slapping the part of her tail where her knees would have been.

Shortly after, two small animal-men walked down the beach, heading towards that very same spot. One of them was a short bipedal pig with short black hair and average street clothes, and the other was a red haired turtle boy slowly walking behind him, wearing a green suit with a bowtie.

Bitten by a radioactive pig, average spider Peter Porker has gained the proportional strength and agility of a pig! Unknown to Mundus Magicus, he now has a double life as a young freelance photographer and as The Amazing Spider-Ham, protector of the weak, hero or menace! Probably inspired by some guy from Mundus Vetus he once read about.

Cub reporter and ace photographer Jimmy Tortolsen is the best pal of the strongest champion for Mundus Magicus' talking animal population, Super Squirrel! Whether his wacky misadventures include turning into Gamera, transforming into a hyper evolved Future Turtle, joining an elite team of ninja, kicking Darkseid's ass or cross-dressing, Mr. Action will always be in the thick of danger! Assuming he gets there in time, naturally.

"Man," the pig sighed, "I just hope the girl hasn't gone already. You should seriously buy yourself a scooter or something already, Jimmy."

"Sorry..." the tortoise apologized very slowly. "But... why... don't... you... either... Peter... I'm... always... in... debt... from... all... those... formulas... and... rays... I... keep... drinking... or... breaking... while..."

"Look, I have a high maintenance sickly and slightly senile aunt to look after, okay?! You think it's easy for us, to find a nursing home where they don't end up turning our elders into bacon?" the pig replied. "And J. Jonah Jackal is such a cheapskate I even have to take side jobs for porn magazines like this, so it's not like I can buy myself a bike or a fancy buggy or...!"

"It's... not... a... porn... publication... It's... a... very... respectable... magazine... with... deep... articles... on... Ah."

They stopped by the smoking ruins of what had been a beautiful beach once. Half of it was covered in ice, the other half was mostly burnt to glass. Amid the carnage a few toppled figures lay here and there, including a duck with a roasted tail, a spiral-eyed frog muttering "In a good way..." to himself, a knocked out boy holding some kind of giant key, an unconscious hulking bull lying on top of a groggy pretty blonde, and a goofily chuckling blonde in a bikini who seemed to caress and fondle all the bruise marks all over her body, licking her lips and rubbing her legs together as she did so. Sitting far away from the devastation, a blue haired young goddess and blue haired mermaid played cards oblivious to everything while constantly accusing each other of cheating, you ugly whore!

"Ehhhhh..." the pig finally said, "Excuse us, but can any of you still alive tell us where to find a lady named Lucy Heartfilia...?"

A curvaceous and imposing redhead in a metal bikini rose triumphant and majestic from the wreckage of the fast food stand. She glanced towards the bull and his Master, noticed the girl's state of dubious awareness, and then firmly said, holding a barely any more conscious girl with glasses up, "Sorry, gentlemen, but looks like she won't be in any shape to do that photo session today. But if you would care for a replacement...? I am her manager!"

Peter and Jimmy looked at each other for a few moments, and then shrugged.


Mahora. Later:

"Oh, my newest Weekly Sorceress Illustrated!" Chamo said, incredibly delighted, as he picked the freshly arrived copy of the magazine up. "Oh joy, happy joy, happy day, oh so happy...!" he giggled disturbingly, spinning around while holding it close.

Chisame snorted from her chair. "Seriously, what's the point on collecting porn magazines when you already have the Internet?"

The ermine paused indignantly. "Chisame-neesan! Weekly Sorceress Illustrated is not porn, it's fine entertainment for gentlemen bringing the latest from Mundus Magicus and the most thought provoking articles on- on-"

He gasped, looking at the cover feature carefully.

Yukino! The newest sexy bomb taking Mundus Magicus by assault!

He swallowed the sudden cold knot in his throat. "Call Haruka-neesama, will you, Chisame-neesan? Or, um, better yet, you know, on second thought, don't- Or, or rather, do it but only a hour or two after I've gone, I'll leave you with some instructions and-"

Chisame frowned, then squeezed him in a hand and picked him up, staring intensely into his eyes before asking him...


The End!