Mashima Hiro and Kodansha created and own Fairy Tail.

They also made the first endcard for the UQ Holder anime. This has got nothing to do with the content of this story, though.


Irremediably Collateral and Supplemental.

Chapter Five: Puke-in-Boots.


Proofreading and editing by Shadow Crystal Mage.

Based on the original omake by Mashima Hiro.


Once upon a time, in a far, faraway land, lived an old man with his three adopted idiot sons. They made a live by grinding noodles. No, that's not a joke. Noodles are a floor-based product, produced by rolling dough into long thrads then boiling them to get them to stay the same shape.

We apologize to any idiots who might have learned anything and thereby compromised your idiocy.

Probably because he worked too hard, or probably because he'd spent his body fighting in an unholy war between magi ten years over a trolling cursed cup while supporting King Arthur with his body's prana, this old father died at a young age. Yes, we know. Don't ask.

"Here, here too?!" the man choked in his humble death bed. "Can't... Can't this hack ever write a Prisma Illya-chan scenario for me like SCM does...?!"

(Editor's Sidenote: Sorry Kiri, but he doesn't like that series as much as I do.)

After he died, the three adopted sons he left behind needed to split his heritage among them.

"But I'm not dead yet...!" the old man protested.

"Yes, you are," the evil priest giving him evil last rites said.

"I'm not!" the old man said.

"You will be soon. You're very ill," the priest said.

"I'm feeling better!"

"You're not. You'll be stone dead in a few minutes," the priest said.

"I feel fine! I think I'll go for a walk!"

The evil priest looked around, then hit him on the head. There was a 'BONK' sound.

Thank you very much.

Anyway, while the priest began to sodomize the definitely dead body, the three adopted sons he left behind needed to split his heritage among them.

"I've decided it, I'm going to turn this noodle grinding workshop in a world saving clubhouse for heroes!" the oldest and least idiotic idiot son sighed grandly. "Then we'll save the world together from larger than life threats, while occasionally indulging in random wacky event shenanigans and ritualistic sex! That's the heroic dream Father left for me!"

"That's okay with me, I'm just going to grab this money and run away!" grinned the second idiot son, pulling a large bag stuffed with money over his shoulder, and slamming a straw hat down on his head. "I'm gonna be the King of the Pirates!"

"Ah!" gasped the youngest and most idiotic idiot son. "But, but that's my money, too!"

"I'm gonna be the King of the Pirates! I've gotta start big-time, stealing from even those closest to me!" argued his brother, chuckling and then running away for the distant coast.

So young Natsu was left with nothing but a few copper coins and the family's blue cat.

"Aye!" the cat said. "I'm Happy!"

"I'm not!" whined his master, throwing himself on the grass of the woodlands, where they'd been forced to live after the eldest brother's Artorias had kicked him out. "I've got no money and no home! I'm in Despair! Being abandoned and tricked by my own family has left me in Despair!"

Disapprovingly, a tall and thin man with glasses and a hakama walked into the clearing, shook his head at Natsu, angrily swiped a few of the copper coins off his hand, and walked away muttering something about royalties and disrespect.

The cat sighed. "It's all right, Master. Even though I'm a cat, I'm very resourceful! Leave everything to me!"

"Huh?" Natsu idiotically babbled.

"Just give me a pair of boots and a sack and I'll turn your luck around!" the cat promised. "What do you have to lose anyway?"

Seeing some sense in this, Natsu used the last of his money to buy Happy what he wanted, and so the little cat put on the boots, went deeper into the woods, and used the sack to set a trap for a freakish, strange and exotic animal.

"Pika Pika pika pi! Pikachu!"

Happy grabbed a thick branch, bashed the animal that had just zapped him down over the head, killed it, and stuffed it into the sack. Then he brought the dead animal in the sack to the city.

"Halt!" cried the guards at the gate. "Cats aren't allowed into this city! You are the devil's handmaidens, the witches' pets! Turn around and leave or else!"

"That's right! We don't like cats around here!"

"But I'm not a cat!" Happy said, raising a little booted foot. "I can't be a cat... because cats don't wear boots!"

Seeing the undeniable logic in this, the guards let the cat in, and he headed straight for King Makarov's castle. There, he introduced himself to the old King and his daughter, lovely Princess Lucy, kneeling before them. "O, Your Majesties! My Lord, the Marquis of Whatahack, sent this gift from his hunting grounds for you!"

"Pika-!" the strange creature just offered to the royals twitched back to life for a moment before Happy bashed its skull a second time with a loud 'BONK', now for good.

"Oh!" Princess Lucy brought her hands together, fascinated. "That's great, I'd never seen that P***mon before! Your Lord must be a man with a lot of offer, Dashing Mysterious Stranger with Boots!"

"Aye!" the cat said. From then, every day, he'd catch wild animals and bring them to the King and his daughter, as gifts from his master.

A highly fetishized meido waitress catgirl!

A talking magical unicorn pony!

An un-ironic Twilight fan!

And as time passed, the Princess grew eager to personally meet this great man, the Marquis who would constantly shower her with such exotic sights and gifts. "Ahhhh! I wonder what kind of noble, generous young man is he! Please take me with him, Dashing Mysterious Friend!"

"Aye!-!" Happy said, as the crystallization of his goals finally came close. In a golden chariot pulled on by a highly fetishized meido waitress catgirl, a talking magical unicorn pony, and an un-ironic Twilight fan, they traveled into the woods, heading towards the domains of the Marquis of Whatahack.

'If they were to get married, Master will have lots and lots of respect and money!' the cat happily thought...

"Your Highness," he introduced Natsu to her. "This is my Lord and Master! The Marquis of Whatahack, your loyal suitor!"

"..." Princess Lucy said.

For in that time, left alone in the woods with no money and no big meaty animals to eat and hunt since Happy had taken them all away, Natsu had grown into a hairy, bearded, animalistic barbarian hopping back and forth along the clearing, howling and scratching himself like an ape.

"AROOO! AROOOO!" he idiotically shouted. "I'M HUNGRY! I'M HUNGRY! MEEEEAAAT! MEEEAAAATT!"

The Princess blinked in mute, pale horror, then tossed her hands up and began walking away. "Screw you guys, I'm going home."

"... aye," Happy couldn't help but agreeing.

And then she married a young, adorable prince from Mundus Vetus on the run from a band of world destroying terrorists and a harem of crazed hormonal Japanese schoolgirls, and they lived happily ever after!


The End.


Moral: Tampering with the forces of the unknown and toying with books crafted by Satan, Prince of Lies, can only lead to your death, and the damnation of your everlasting soul... no, wait, this was the moral of Bible Black. Or possibly Frozen, before the rewrites. Sorry, maybe there'll be an actual moral next time. No promises, though.