I rushed around to the back of the machine shed.

And we're talking about incredible speed of fifty or sixty miles per second! No kidding.

Sure enough, Little Alfred was running away from this horrible headless bird!

Description: red, a kind of diamond shape, with a long tail. It had NO head! No kidding! It's one long wing was so long it was able to wrap it's self around poor little Alfred's arm! Oh and did I mention the sticks? It held two long sticks so that it resembled a "X" with no doubt, these sticks were used to beat up on it's poor victims!

I rushed over Little Alfred and began to bark furiously.

I leaped into the air, and grabbed that horrible long tailed bird's wing!

I brought that sucker down, and tore him apart!

But just then, he... OUCH! He started whacking me between the eyes with his sticks, and yes it brought tears to my eyes, but they were mostly tears of joy and... Something.

He put up a good fight let me tell you, but I...

"Hankie!" Little Alfred said. "Your distwoying my kite!"

I looked up.

Kite? What's a kite?

I looked at Little Alfred. I looked at the headless red tailed bird on the ground. Had I missed something? Had I missed several somethings?

Just then Sally May came bursting out the door.

"HANK! GET AWAY FROM ALFRED'S KITE!" she yelled.

Oops.

I began to back up, but not before a rock hit me in the back.

OOF!

I spun around, and set my rockets on... OOOF!

I got out there, as soon as possible, but she has a wide range, and... doesn't that woman have anything better to do than torment her loyal dogs? Hey I was trying to protect Alfred from the horrible red tailed...

What the heck was a kite?

I scurried out of Sally May's range, and hit full throttle, and got myself out of there!

Do you see the meaning of ths?

Drover sent me on a suicide mission to beat up a stupid KITE!

He would pay this!

I altered my course toward the gas tanks.

Drover was there, of course, sleeping his life away on his gunny sack bed.

How could he be sleeping while I go into combat?

I have no idea.

I walked up to him.

"Drover, Wake up! I have some bad news for you."

Drover lifted his head. "Gurgle, chicken, nickel with mustard." he muttered.

"I said: Wake up Drover we need to talk!"

His head collapsed, and he went into his series of grunts and snores.

I had no choice but to use The Head of Ranch Security way of waking up my dingbat assistant.

"GET UP, HALF STEPPER! ARISE AND SING! SMELL THE ROSE PEDDLES! AND WHILE YOU'RE AT, GET UP!"

heh, heh.

That worked.

He leaped into the air, and yelped in fear, and proceeded to run off to the machine shed.

But I caught him.

"Drover! Stop, we need to talk."

He limped back over to me.

"Did you hear about the walker?" He asked, looking around in all directions.

"The what?"

"There was this guy who cut off his leg! And he was hoping around on his one leg, singing to the arising sun, and smelling rose peddles."

For several seconds I stared into the huge vacuum of his eyes.

I heaved a sigh, let my head drop.

"Drover? May I ask you a personal question?"

"Oh sure, go ahead."

"Have you ever felt like you've been going insane?"

"Well... I'm not sure. I not sure what it fells likes. I ate a mushroom once. it was pretty squishy, and stuff. Do you thinks that's what it feels like?"

I stared at him with empty eyes.

"Yes, Drover. The whole point of this conversation is that you ate a mushroom."

I walked several steps away and banged my head against the Gas Tank's left leg, and then returned to him.

"There! I hope you're happy!"

"Well, not really."

"Sometimes I think you're trying to make a mockery of my life!"

"Thanks. me too."

"Shut up, Drover."

"Okay."

I turned away from the dunce, and tried to clear my mind.

I walked back up to him, with my original goal in mind.

"Drover, I'm afraid I have some bad news."

He winced.

"Don't tell me! I just hate bad news in the mornings!"

"It's not morning, Drover, it's mid-day."

"I don't care. Bad news always has something bad to it."

"Of course it does, you dunce. If it's bad news, then it follows from simple logic, that news is bad."

"Yeah, and I never liked bad news."

"Life is full of disappointments, Drover."

"Yeah, it's a cruel world."

"Maybe so, son, but we must be tough! We must face the bad news, and laugh in it's face!"

"Yeah, cause, nobody likes being bored."

"Exactly! Now if we just..."

I stopped.

I stared at the little luna tic in front of me.

I blinked several times.

"What is the meaning of this conversation?"

"I dunno." Drover replied. "I ate a mushroom, and you said that's what the point was."

"Yes of course."

I paced a few steps away, and shook the vapors out of my head.

"That is not why I came down here, Drover. I came down here to tell you something."

"I'll be derned."

"Involving you."

"I'll be derned."

"And you have me so scrambled up..."

"Gee, I love scrambled eggs."

"I don't know if it's raining or Tuesday."

"Today's Wednesday."

"Shut up."

I whirled around to him.

"NOW I remember! I came down here to tell you terrible news!"

"You did?"

"I did. Now, I am afraid to tell you that... YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE FOR SENDING ME IN COMBAT WITH A KITE!"

There was a moment of silence.

"What's a kite?"

"It's a... How am I supposed to know? The point is, is that you got me in trouble with Sally May! And, during this entire time, you've been sleeping your life away!"

"Yeah, I know, I love sleep."

"Son, I'm afraid I'm going to have to give you five shame on you's!"

"Oh-no, not that!"

"I'm sorry Drover, but you brought this upon yourself."

"Oh drat."

"Six shame on yous, Drover! One for naughty language. Now not a word more!"

"Okay."

I narrowed my eyes and glared at him.

"You said one more word!"

"I did?"

"You did!"

"All I did was say okay."

"OKAY is a word, Drover."

"I thought okay was two letters."

"It's one word! Now, I forbid you to say one more word!"

"OK."

"That's better."

I turned away from him.

Just then I heard something.

IT WAS AN UNIDENTIFIED VEHICLE!

"But enough of that, Drover, because as we speak there is a vehicle coming towards ranch headquarters from the southwest!"

"I'll be derned." Drover said. "I thought it was coming from the driveway."

"It is coming from the driveway, you tuna!" I said.

"I'll be derned."

I turned away from Drover's nonsense, and aimed myself for the driveway.

I was about to hit full throttle when Drover stopped me.

"Hank! The Driveway's over there."

I listened. The sound of the car was getting close.

"Drover, the sound I'M hearing is coming from this way. Thus, following simple logic, that is where the driveway is."

"Yeah, but, The Driveway's over there. I can see it with my own eyes."

I sighed, and shook my head.

"Drover when will you learn? I don't have time for this! The yard gate is this way!"

And with that, I went roaring away from Drover, and went zooming towards the driveway.

Can you imagine him trying to make me think that the driveway was in the other direction? Ha!

How dumb did he think I was? I was operating totally on my equipment, and in this job, sometimes you can't trust your eyes. So when I saw something brown looming up, I knew it was simply a mirror-age, or whatever you call those hallucinations you see in the desert.

The driveway was coming right up and...

BONK!

Who put the Machine Shed next to the driveway? I mean, when people are sitting here moving our sheds around we... Nobody had informed me about... How can a guy run a ranch when... Oh.

Okay. What we had here was a simple miscalculation.

You see, sometimes sounds will go from the source it is coming from, and bounce of other things, such as Machine Sheds. It will then bounce off the so forth, and travel to a dog's ear.

There's a scientific name for this. It's called, Sound-o Bounce-us.

So you see I had no reason to... There was scientific proof that this has happened to the very best dogs, and I was no exception and... never mind.

Lets just say, I went away from the stupid machine shed, and went out to interrogate the invader on my ranch!