OK, I'm going to have to check some ID.

I'm afraid that the following information can not be read by anyone under the age of 45.

Sorry.

Anyone below that age caught peeking into this highly classified information will face a terrible punishment.

You'll have to sit with your nose in a circle for thirty minutes.

Yes, I know that's strict but with this kind of creepy scariness, we can't take any chances.

I'll wait while everyone under the age of 45 leaves.

OK, everyone gone? OK, good. Here we go.

So there I was, sitting there with a tree behind me while a horrible yellow horned monster began stalking me!

Pretty scary, huh?

You bet.

I was trapped with a deadly yellow horned monster slouching towards me.

And as he slouched forward, I heard him breathing and growling.

And his terrible fangs were dripping with blood, and I could see little drops of poison dripping off the deadly poison singers.

Stingers. Not singers.

He came slouching towards me.

He had a limp in his left leg. Terrible limp.

And on each step, he let out a sharp exhale of breath,

Have we ever discussed yellow horned monsters?

Maybe not, because they are very rare.

I had never seen one in my entire career. That's how rare it was.

Your Yellow Horned Monsters will use deadly built in radar to track down sleeping ranch dogs, and when they find them, they will inject the noxious poison into your systems.

And once that happens, your ears turn green, and your tail shrivels up, and falls off.

And suddenly, the creature leaped through the air, and dove for me with its deadly poison...!

HUH!

Have we ever discussed stupid pranks?

Maybe so, but not very often.

Do you know why?

Because they happen on this ranch, a lot.

And if I was calling the shots, then there would be no dumb pranks on this ranch.

Or an ranch. Or any state. Or any country.

But that's not how it turned out.

Here's the deal.

Remember the yellow horned monster?

It wasn't a yellow horned monster.

It was Calvin's hair spikes.

In the faded light, I must have mistaken it for a... well... a yellow horned so forth.

And as soon as Calvin saw that I was in a confused state, he went right forward into his little "monster" routine.

It wasn't funny.

It wasn't funny at all.

But, Calvin sure did get a huge chuckle out of it.

He fell over backwards, screaming with laughter, and slamming his fists into the ground.

It wasn't funny.

It wasn't funny at all.

But do you know what happened next?

Slim and Loper appeared on the scene, and started laughing along with Calvin.

Yes sir. They were all laughing a scoffing at their loyal dog.

I had been had.

I held my head at a proud angle, and marched past the jeering crowds.

There, I ran into Drover.

I glared at him.

"Where were you, when all of this was going on?"

"When what was going on?"

"I was just pranked and had by three loafers and lollygaggers. I'm afraid I'll have to resign my post as Head of Ranch Security and leave the ranch. You're in charge."

He stared at me.

"Yeah but... You can't go."

"I'm afraid it's too late for that, Drover. I've been humiliated, and my job is no longer needed."

"Yeah, but, you can't go, because the feed barn was raided again."

There was a long moment of silence.

"The feed barn was... WHAT! Why wasn't I informed about this?"

"You were."

"That's no excuse, and don't argue with me! QUICK! WE MUST CHECK ON THE EXTENT OF THE DAMAGE!"

"I thought you were resigning."

I raced towards the feed barn.

I mean, I had no time to deal with Drover's pointless conversations.

I had a job to do.

I marched back up the hill, past the jeering crowds and over to the feed barn door.

I peeked inside.

There, I discovered something shocking.

There were three or four more ripped bags sitting on the floor, with feed strewn everywhere.

I was shocked.

At last, the laughter subsided, and Loper and Slim walked up to where I was standing.

And all at once, they were pulled back into the real world.

The world where disasters weren't funny, and where cowboys had to grow up.

I know that just killed them.

They stared at the mess with vacant eyes.

Then Loper threw his hat on the ground, and stomped on it.

"Dang it!" he yelled. "How could they break in, again!"

I stared at him in disbelief.

How had they did it again?

The same way they got in the first time!

It was that warp at the bottom of the stupid door!

Sometimes I think the ranch I run for is... ah well, better not open that topic.

Loper and Slim stood there, growling, and muttering, and shaking their heads.

I did the same.

We were disgusted.

More me than them.

Obviously.

Well, after about a minute of disgusted looks, Slim went into the house to order more feed. Then Loper went to feed cattle.

That left me alone with Calvin and Hobbes.

Where was Drover?

He had vanished when the so called yellow horned monster appeared.

Which makes me think...

Never mind.

Calvin walked over, and studied the mess of feed before him.

"Wow." He said. "This is kinda messy."

Hobbes walked over, and studied it, next.

"Indeed."

"You'd think the dogs would keep this from happening." Calvin said.

They exchanged glances, then burst out in insane laughter.

I didn't see any humor in it, myself.

Well, they finished laughing, and continued to study the raided feed barn.

Then, Calvin snapped his fingers.

"Hey, Hobbes! Do you think Mom or Dad would let us stay out here, and guard the feed, tonight?"

"No."

"Well, if they don't we can use my duplicator, so they'll think it's us."

"No."

"What do you mean, no?"

"I mean, no." Hobbes said. "I'm not staying out in the cold, tonight."

I thought the idea was pretty outrageous, too.

I mean, those two guarding the feed shed?

HA!

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Calvin and Hobbes argued for several minutes.

I stood there, watching them.

Chuckling to myself.

I mean, one six year old tiger, and a tall boy guarding the feed shed?

Heh.

One six year old boy and a tall tiger.

Suddenly, Calvin got the better of the argument, and Hobbes agreed to do it.

Uh oh.

I didn't think that Calvin would be able to convince Hobbes to do it.

Hobbes gave Calvin a huge lecture about safety, then they shook hands, and ran off into the house.

oops.

Unless I did something fast, Calvin and Hobbes were going to stay outside, tonight, and wait to attack a bunch of racoons!

As you know, I've sworn a solemn oath to protect all children.

Even bratty ones.

So when I heard that Calvin was going to wait outside, tonight for the coons, I knew what my duty was.

I rushed up the gas tanks, where I found Drover, sleeping on his gunnysack bed. Wheezing, coughing, snoring, and doing everything else he does when he's asleep.

I rushed up to him, and glared down at him.

I then, leaned down, and screamed, "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, DROVER! IT'S A HORRIBLE HAIRY GORILLA!"

Heh, heh.

I must admit, waking up Drover has its advantages.

You never know what the little mutt's going to do.

Yes, I know, it was probably mean of me to scream into his ear, but we must remember that it was good for Drover's character.

And since Drover had very little character to begin with, It was nice of me to wake him up like that.

Plus, it was, tee hee, fun.

And when a dog is so wrapped up in work that he can't enjoy life for a while, then he's just too busy.

As you've noticed, I'm not too busy to enjoy life's many pleasures.

I mean...

Maybe I should mush on with the story.

OK, I had leaned over, and had screeched out that a gorilla was coming to get him, and we've already discussed the level of niceness in it.

Hee hee.

You should have seen the little mutt.

He screamed, leaped into the air, landed on his face, leaped up, again, and started running around in circles.

"HELP! GORILLA! GORILLA NAMED HARRY! HELP! MURDER! MAYDAY!"

Soon, he ran out of energy, and slowed.

Then, he came to a stop.

When he recognized me, he grinned, and said, "Oh hi, how's the gorilla?"

"Fine thanks, how about yourself?"

"Well, I'm not sure. I think I just woke up."

"That's my whole point, Drover. You were sleeping on the job. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Well..."

"That's enough. It's not what you say that matters, son, it's what you do."

He stared at me.

"I thought you asked..."

"Be quiet."

I marched away from him, and tried to gather my thoughts.

"Last night wasn't successful, Drover." I said. "We failed in our primary mission: To stop the coons from raiding the feed barn."

"Yeah, you fell asleep."

"Shut your trap. Now, we have new offered help, in our mission, Drover. Would you like to guess who volunteered?"

"Well, I'd hate to guess and be wrong."

"Just make a jump at it, Drover. There's only one right answer."

"Oh, Ok, here I go!"

He thought for a second.

"It wouldn't be... Calvin and Hobbes would it?"

I stared at the runt.

"Yes, Drover. You're right. I can't believe it, either."

All at once he was jumping up and down.

"Oh boy! I'm so happy! I got it right!"

"Indeed you did, son. And because you got the right answer, you win the prize."

"Oh goody. A prize. I wonder what it is."

"You get to lead our troops tonight when we go out on Raccoon Patrol."

Drover's eyes crossed, and all at once, he completely lost mobility in his right front leg.

I rushed to his side.

"Drover! Speak to me! Are you alright!"

"Leg attack. Worse one ever. I guess I can't go with you, tonight, Hank! You'll have to go on without me. I just hope I can live with the guilt!"

I stared at him several times.

Huh boy.

Another famous "leg attack".

Ineeded to get to the bottom of this one.

I always have to get to the bottom of things like this.