Thanks to everyone who reviewed. Please do so in future; I really appreciate everything and, of course, critical remarks and hints too.
DearWondering Witch , I'd like to say thank you again; you are a kind and encouraging beta and a very quick one, too.
Chapter 11
Hermione entered Severus' bedroom. She had been allowed to visit him one last time. Two big chandeliers stood beside his bed. He lay there, fully clothed in his robes.As if he were already dead, as if this were a wake. Hermione shuddered at the thought. She sat down at his bed.
"I came to say a final good-bye, Severus," she whispered and touched his hand. "Why did you want to die? Why did you say that it does not matter? It does matter. To me. Hmm! Why do people always talk to the dying or to the dead, when it is too late to change anything? Probably I'd never have found the courage to tell you, tell you that I had fallen in love with you; you would have laughed at me or belittled me, thought it a schoolgirl crush.
"But it was no crush, Severus. At first I thought it was hero worship, or a result of being thrown together in an unusual situation. How could I fall for you?" She paused, her voice thick with tears, and caressed his cheek. "But I did, and cannot help it. You probably would have been shocked if you had known plain Hermione Granger was having sexual fantasies about her former teacher. I dreamt of you kissing and touching me, making love to me. I only wish I'd had the chance to get to know you better. Do you remember when you took me in your arms? It felt so good, and I wished it had been for more than only for comfort. I will cherish that moment forever. You were the only man who has ever made me really feel.
"In that moment, I knew what it meant to love. I even tried to tell you the next day, but you were so distant. Would things have changed if you had known that I love you? You know, at your funeral all these i vultures /i will appear and say something about you having been a hero. Many of them will claim that they had always known you were no traitor. Your name will even appear in the new edition of Hogwarts: A History . But nobody will really remember you . I promise, Severus, I will. In death you are mine. I can dream about what could have been. Let me kiss you this one time. Oh, how desperate I must be, kissing a dying man who cannot refuse."
Hermione stood and placed a tender kiss on Severus' pale lips, then turned toward the door to leave. When she heard a moan and saw a slight stir, she whirled around and rushed to Severus' bed. His eyelids fluttered and closed again: He was out of the coma! "Madam Pomfrey!" Hermione shrieked and ran out of the room to fetch the matron.
Severus was brought to the infirmary at once; he was unconscious again, but now his eyes showed reflexes, and Madam Pomfrey hoped she would be able to heal him. Everybody asked Hermione what had happened, but she said she really did not know; it was only suddenly and by chance had she noticed the stir. She had been too embarrassed to tell them that she had actually kissed her former Potions master. Besides, it was a coincidence, wasn't it?
After a short time, the administered potions began showing an effect; he would live. He was still very exhausted and slept for hours, as he was too weak to leave the bed. Hermione spent most of her spare time in the infirmary, watching him. She did not know what had rescued him, but it did not matter; he was alive.
"Hi, Hermione!" Ginny entered Hermione's rooms and pulled her in a hug. "You okay? You look better today. When I saw you fainting in the Great Hall and then breaking down later on in the infirmary, I was worried. Professor Dumbledore told us that you helped him and Snape with that scheme. It must have been pretty hard not to mention anything to anybody. Um, Hermione? I've heard that you are visiting Snape all the time. Is there something you want to tell me?"
Hermione remained silent. What could she say? Even her best friend would think her crazy. Ginny only rolled her eyes. "Hermione, you cannot sit all day at Snape's bed and expect me to believe that there's nothing going on."
Hermione looked up. "I know it sounds crazy, but...you know, he's different than everybody believes. In fact, he can be quite...and I cannot believe that I thought him ugly before...He is..." She paused, completely embarrassed.
Ginny looked stunned. "You've got a crush on Snape, of all people?"
"No, Ginny, it's worse. I love him," Hermione replied, finally determined to stick to her feelings for Severus and waiting for Ginny to laugh out loud. But Ginny did not laugh.
"Does he know, Hermione?" she asked quietly.
"No, he does not. I've never told him. When I visited him in his chambers for the final good-bye, I…well, talked a little. More to myself, you know? But this was before he woke up. I am positive that he did not hear anything."
"What do you think would he say if he knew?" Ginny asked.
"He'd be embarrassed. He would not want my love. You know, it's weird. When he lay there unconsciously and I was sure he would die, I could tell him that I loved him. I even told him that I wished he knew, but now I am not sure whether I want him to know. During these past weeks, he accepted my offer of friendship. If he knew that I have fallen in love with him, I would lose that. I cherish this friendship very much, more than I can tell. It is probably better not to tell him though it hurts."
Ginny nodded.
"And how are we today, Severus?" the matron asked jovially. Snape had been at the infirmary for three days and regained most of his strength. Now that everybody knew about his role in Dumbledore's scheme, Snape made the headline of every newspaper available. The visitors nearly stood in line to shake his hand; they wanted to pay tribute to a hero. Snape dismissed them all indignantly, growling that he did not need all these hypocrites. Who he missed was Hermione. Madam Pomfrey had told him that she had spent hours beside his bed when he had been unconscious. But now that he felt better, she came only infrequently. She had told him how glad she was that he was alive, and she had had tears in her eyes, but she had not said a word about love. He had not expected her to say this with the matron or other visitors around, but even when they were alone, she remained silent. Only once, she had let her guards down, and he had seen longing and pain in her eyes, but only for a moment. Then, it was gone. Obviously, she did not know that he had heard everything she had said, believing him in a coma.
The other welcomed visitor had been Albus Dumbledore. When Severus had opened his eyes in the infirmary, Albus had been sitting beside his bed, relief in his eyes.
"Severus, I thought I'd never see you alive again. I failed you. I should have told you how much you mean to me. You have always been more to me than a fellow Order member or a colleague. Obviously, it takes a catastrophe to become aware of the value of friendship. Your role as a spy is over, but I would be glad if you could accept me as a friend and not only as a superior." Dumbledore paused and looked at Severus, musing.
"I take it that you have developed a certain friendship and more with Miss Granger. No, before you say something, hear me out. I nearly expected this. During the past few years, I have been astonished by your hostility and impatience towards her, your inability to pay tribute to her work, though her potions have always been flawless, as has been her behaviour towards you. This level was unusual, even for you. I did a little research myself, and was none too surprised to discover that you are soul mates." Noticing the unbelieving expression on Severus' face, he continued. "It is not as unusual as it seems to be at first sight. Your subconscious noticed a certain similarity between the both of you, yet your mind refused to acknowledge this. Both of you recognised the pull when she became of age. Severus, she is not your student any longer, and I dare say it's time for a little grasp of happiness for yourself. Think about it." With these words Dumbledore rose and left the infirmary.
Severus remained silent for a while. Soul mates! This was the explanation why he had fallen in love with her so quickly and vice versa.
Weeks before, Severus Snape would have snorted at the idea that he would miss the company of a human being. He had always been the poster boy for a loner. But lying in the infirmary and having much time to think, Severus missed Hermione. Knowing that they were soul mates and that she loved him had changed much, though a gnawing doubt remained. What would happen if he gave in to his feelings? Severus Snape and Hermione Granger – what would everybody say? Not that he cared much about what people thought of him, but what would i she /i have to endure? Mockery? Disgust?
When he had lain in his quarters, paralysed by the spell, and she had told him that she loved him, he had wanted to live for the first time in years. To know that he was loved had made him wish that he could grasp life. At the same time, he knew his very nature; his sarcasm, his penchant for cruelty, his solitary nature, and his overbearance. He would not change much; this he was sure of. Would she be able to deal with this, or would she hate him after a while? One thing was sure; if he did not try, he would never know.
What would reality do to their feelings? They had not even kissed yet, save for when he lie paralysed and seemingly in a coma. He was startled then to realise that her love for him was true even without that. He craved touching her even more than before, now that he knew she loved him. But he was also self-conscious about his outer appearance. He had always been told that he was ugly. He hated his nose, his lanky hair that did not improve though he washed it daily; he hated his sallow skin and his thin, scarred body. She had said that she had dreamt about touching him. What would she do, facing reality? In his sleepiness, his wishes became true.
She came to him, her hands outstretched towards him and her eyes dancing with laughter. She embraced him and slipped her hand in his shirt, caressing his skin, not caring that she touched his ugly scars. She tilted her head up to him, gazed at him as if he were handsome. Then she opened the buttons of his shirt and placed soft kisses on his chest.
Hermione was grading first-years' essays. Her headache increased. Dunderheads! Even the simplest potions... She chuckled. If Severus could hear her now -- Severus. He had been released from the infirmary and would return to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts in a few days. She had not yet had the opportunity to talk to him very much.
Everything would change soon. Now that Dumbledore was back and Hogwarts was considered a secure school again, a new Potions master had applied for the job and had been accepted. He would arrive next week, and Hermione would leave Hogwarts. The term at university had already begun, but thanks to Dumbledore pulling a few strings, Hermione had gotten permission from the Ministry to shorten her study. One year, and she would be a Potions mistress. She would certainly write to Severus, but perhaps it was better not to see him again despite everything she had said to Ginny.
A knock on the door disturbed her thoughts. "Enter!" Hermione looked up and glanced at a still pale and haggard looking Severus. He looked at her with these beautiful eyes, and she had to clear her thoughts. Don't go there! He's here to say good-bye.
He remained silent for a while, searching her face. "Hermione," he began softly. "I wondered why you have made yourself rather scarce. Then I was told that you would leave Hogwarts in a few days."
Hermione blushed. "I had much work to do. Of course, I would have said good-bye to you, Severus; after all, we are friends. I will certainly write to you once I have settled in." I have been definitely sorted into the wrong House. I am a coward; I can't tell him. Oh, Severus, please don't ask! No, you won't laugh, but you would pity me. Please just go!
Severus traced his lips with a finger, musing, as if waiting for something. "You have never asked about the spell I was hit by. The Dark Lord did not trust the Killing Curse because it failed with Dumbledore. But he thought this spell to be as lethal as the Killing Curse for me. Hermione, have you ever heard of Mors Sine Amore ?
Hermione blushed, and her eyes widened. How silly she had been! She had preferred not to think about it. Who had ever had the idea to call her a bright witch? Muggle psychologists called this repression. Mors Sine Amore She remembered, the curse had been mentioned briefly in a DADA book. Only the kiss of a loving person, not just any kiss, could save someone who was hit by this curse. He knew, and he had heard every single word she had said while she had thought him in a coma. He probably wanted to thank her for saving his life. Her face tightened and she tensed.
"You will live, and that is what matters. I would not have," her words became nearly inaudible, "bothered you. I know that you don't reciprocate my feelings. I only dreamt. Please, go." She turned around and waited for the click of the door that never came.
"I have dreamt, too." Severus said, and then she felt his arms around her waist and her shoulders, turning her around.
He had dreamt, too.Hermione's breath caught. He had feelings for her, too.
She looked up at his dark eyes burning in his face. Then his hands held her face in place, strong and gentle. His thumb brushed a line along her jaw and chin, and then his lips came slowly down on her, the usually grim mouth softer and gentler than she would have expected, lips warm and tender. He drew back and gazed anew at her, his eyes showing the unspoken question and searching within her heart. Hermione pulled him near again, looked up to him, and kissed him back, not hesitatingly, but with vehemence. He parted his lips for her and let her tongue intrude. He heard her soft gasps of air when they moved apart. Hermione looked into his face and saw how his mouth moved in an almost shy smile. And then there was nothing shy about him when he dipped his head again and kissed her. She felt his arms around her, his fingers on her hair and on her neck, on her arms and wandering down to her derriere. Oh, yes! When she was pressed firmly against him, she noticed that he had, indeed, rather big feelings for her.
"Oh, Severus," Hermione whispered, her voice thick with emotion, "I am so happy. I'd never thought..."
"Hermione", he whispered eventually. "I know that you don't have much time now, because another lesson is about to begin soon and I am busy, too, but would you come to my chambers this evening?"
Hermione could only nod.
"I have to go; Professor Dumbledore is expecting me." He kissed her slightly again and left. Hermione returned to her desk, still stunned.
Another knock at the door, and Hermione yanked it open. "Severus, did you…? " But she did not look into the black eyes of Severus Snape but the green ones of Harry Potter.
"So it's Severus now," he said in a low and dangerous tone. "Hermione, I've heard rumours, but I could not believe that they were true, until I saw Snape come out of your rooms. And the way you look, you have not only been talking." He paused. "Hermione, do you need this? He's old, he's ugly and he's mean. I would not mind, if that is what you want, but – and I really would like you to think about that – he's a murderer. He is as guilty of murdering my parents as if he had spoken the Killing Curse himself. Choose, Hermione, but if you decide it's him you want, you cannot be friends with me any longer." Without giving her an opportunity to answer, Harry left.
Neither of them saw the figure of the Potions master hiding in the shadows.
Hermione hurried towards the dungeons. She was still shocked about what Harry had said. It had hurt, but if she had to decide, she would choose Severus. When she entered Severus' chambers, she saw him sitting at his desk, still working. He did not rise at once, but looked at her, his eyes different, his demeanour tense. "Hermione, it is good you could come," he said stiffly and rose, ushering her towards the sofa while he said down on the easy chair. "I must apologise for my behaviour this afternoon. It was not fair. I took advantage…"
"Severus, what do you mean? I thought, we..." Hermione interrupted, shocked.
"Please, hear me out. I came to thank you this afternoon, and I know that I owe you my life. I got carried away. I admit I was flattered getting to know that you are in love with me. Women do not exactly stand in line for me. But honestly, besides the kind of understanding we developed there is nothing more than -- let's name it properly -- a certain physical attraction. You deserve more. Beginning this kind of relationship would be taking advantage of you."
Hermione sat motionless. Yes, he had feelings for her, but it was not love, it was only lust. She could only be glad that he had been so honest and honorable. Hermione felt the tears brimming in her eyes. No, she would not cry in front of him. "So, that's it, then," she said and stood. "Damn you, Severus." She all but fled from his rooms.
When the door closed behind her, Severus sat motionless for a moment. Then he grabbed the bottle of Firewhisky on the nearby table and hurled it against the wall. Damn me? Too late, I have been damned long before we met.Still, he felt the taste of her lips on his, felt her hands around his neck, her fingers on his face. When she had kissed him, for the first time in years, he had not thought of his past at all. But reality had caught up with him very quickly, and his hope to find happiness once in his life had been a delusion. The moment he had heard Potter talk to Hermione, he had realised that he could not do this to her. The truth was, Potter was right. He i was /i a murderer. And it would always be this way. As much as he tried to atone for his sins, it simply did not work. He did not deserve her.
When Hermione left Hogwarts for good a few days later, he stood in an alcove, hiding from her view. With one last glance at her, he went back to his dungeons, his shoulders hunched, moving slowly like an old man. He did not see Ginny Weasley watching him, puzzled.
Author's Notes:
1) While Severus and Hermione are kissing for the first time, another scene is playing in my head over and over again. It would have been mean to spoil the romantic mood, but I sooo long to tell you.
"Severus, I have dreamt of kissing you for such a long time."
"Hmm!"
"I have realised that dreams are highly overrated."
Severus tensed.
"Reality is better!"
2) The spell Mors Sine Amore is bad Latin. Mors death, sine without and Amor love. If I remember correctly, sine requires the ablative.
