Association

Annika sat in her quarters after Kathryn left, bubbling with disordered thoughts and feelings about her most recent contact with Voyager's captain. Something her mother had said when she was little popped into her mind: "Talking is the best way to hear what you are thinking." She had no idea what had been the context of her mother's advice originally, but the cacophony in her head could certainly use the order. "Computer, personal log, Annika Hansen," she said.

Talking aloud, she spent the next hour wandering around her quarters, describing her interaction with Captain Kathryn Janeway, their conversation, and how her fingers and stomach had tingled pleasantly with each contact. Studying her face in the mirror of her en suite, Annika recollected her words and Kathryn's surprise at them. She watched her expression shift, her eyes brighten, and the corners of her lips lift, when she affirmed to herself in the mirror, "I do love her. Her presence eases me and her laughter lightens me."

She was certain the woman returned her feelings, but not knowing the full status of their relationship before her accident, Annika was unable to guess what might be holding the other woman back from resuming their intimacy.

She had been head of Astrometrics before her accident but was no longer. Was it only because of the amnesia? Or had she done something else that broke Kathryn's trust in her? The thought of it made her wince. In the silence the computer gave a soft beep indicating it waited for her to continue the personal log.

Personal log! Annika's eyes widened and quickly she returned to the desk console in the main room of her quarters. "Computer! Display previous personal log entries, Annika Hansen."

I can learn about my past. From my own logs.

"Annika Hansen has no other personal log entries."

"In two years I have never entered a personal log?"

Aside from the fact that this stymied her ability to get her own perspective on events that the captain and the security chief had told her, Annika was shocked. Her instinct had told her the meaning of the computer's beep, so surely she had entered personal logs before? Could she have been previously aware of her father's lies about the Borg that she would consciously ignore all their advice? No. It had been an instinctive behavior to make a log entry. Without her memories, instinct was all she had left to go on.

There had to be logs, simply stored somewhere else. Her quarters had been changed. Perhaps the computer was wrong. Digging as deeply into the computer files as she could, Annika asked for information about "Annika Hansen" and came across her biographical data. The Federation record stated that she had been assimilated when she was six. There was a security level clearance on information during the time she was Borg and since. Marked "for command level officers only." Annika could research no further.

A vague sense that she could get around the security protocols if she had her memories made her laugh at the irony. If she had her memories, she'd have no need to go around the security protocols to read the missing information.

She collected a nightgown from the drawers in the closet and dressed for bed. She brushed her teeth, and pulled the pin from her hair, still contemplating the day and evening. Watching her own expressions in the mirror, she realized she was no longer shocked by her implants though they were a constant reminder of what she had forgotten. She recalled her mother's quiet, calm voice as she pulled the brush through her hair. By the end of her ministrations, however, her mother's voice had been supplanted. By Kathryn's, lightened by a laugh. "I think I will enjoy getting to know you, Annika Hansen."

Her stomach fluttered as she considered that the process of reconnecting with Kathryn would lead Annika to reconnect with herself.

Leaving the en suite, she pulled the covers back and crawled into bed. She lay back against one red pillow and hugged the other to her chest, staring up at the ceiling. Gradually she drifted off to sleep.

Annika looked up at the star charts with pleasure. Her day had been a quiet one. Icheb had relayed a game he'd played with Harry Kim and Tom Paris the previous evening, poker. Annika asked why he was happy even though he had lost several credits and would have to "rely on Neelix for dinner for the next several days."

He explained that spending time with people helped him make sense of many things he had not the opportunity to figure out otherwise. "It's better than reading about it."

That reminded Annika of her fruitless search for her personal logs. "But what if all you have is reading?"

"You really should come to the holodeck sometime," he said.

"I don't want to spend off-duty time with you when I spend all day working with you," Annika said. Icheb looked hurt and Annika immediately felt bad. "I did not mean that to hurt you." She frowned. "I only meant...you are a young man. You need your time to do the things you wish to do." His smile did not return; Annika bit her lip then said quickly, "I'm sorry that I'm not the person you remember, Icheb."

"You're still my friend," he said.

"I...appreciate that." She closed out of her status board and stepped back. "Our shift is over. It is time for my dinner with the captain."

"I'm still charting the pulsar in grid 35 from our path scans," he replied.

"Do not forget to eat," she said. He smiled widely at that. Annika dipped her head with a smile of her own and walked out of Astrometrics heading to the bridge to meet the captain.


Annika entered the captain's Ready Room. Immediately her scan of the space revealed the captain was not alone. She sat on the couch by the transparencies conversing with a member of species 5008–Klingon–her mind supplied. The female Klingon had less angular features than a typical Klingon, she also noted.

And she was leaning back on the couch, smiling as she conversed with the captain, who also bore an easy smile.

"...fixed. Though it would have been nice to have Seven's help," the Klingon said. "Seven was in the area. Seven could have..."

"Tuvok and I agreed it's not possible. Her injuries were too severe. But at least it's now done, B'Elanna."

Annika strode forward. "Captain Janeway, it is time for our dinner."

"You look pretty healthy to me," B'Elanna said, looking up at her.

"I have physically recovered. It sounds, though, that you've had another accident. That does not speak well of your management abilities if people in your area are constantly getting injured."

Chief Engineer Torres' jaw had dropped while Annika spoke. Having said her peace, however, Annika turned to the captain. "Our dinner?"

The Klingon abruptly growled then barked, "What the hell! Sev—"

"B'Elanna." The captain's voice cut off Torres. Annika's stomach dropped when the captain, leaning forward, laid a hand on the Klingon's leg. She had a crystal clear momentary image in mind of striking B'Elanna Torres.

"Annika," Kathryn said.

Immediately Annika met the blue-gray gaze; her stomach churned.

"Thank you, Annika." The captain spoke with some emphasis and Annika felt like she had whenever her father would rebuke her for running, or eating too quickly, or playing with her toys where she ought not. "If you could excuse us, please? I need to finish hearing B'Elanna's report. Will you wait outside?"

"You did not forget our dinner?"

Kathryn shook her head; her eyes were kind but her lips were drawn tight. "No, I didn't."

To cover her discomfort, Annika turned and strode quickly from the Ready Room. Standing on the edge of the bridge, near Tuvok at the security station, she backed against the wall and pressed her hands into the surface, the cool, sturdy wall helping to lower the heat in her face and steady her shaking knees.

The security chief did not acknowledge her, continuing to perform his duties.

"Hey...Annika." She snapped her gaze up to find Ensign Harry Kim walking in from the turbolift. He smiled. Her cheeks grew more heated and she dropped her gaze from his.

To her relief, the dark-haired young man said nothing more, instead walking to his duty station.


"What the hell was that?" B'Elanna demanded. "I thought you said that she was recovered."

"Physically, yes. But as I was saying, Tuvok and I came to realize that her memory loss fundamentally altered who she is and how she relates to people."

"It hasn't altered it that much. She insulted me."

"Your relationship with Seven has improved since she first came aboard. You have to see that it was out of character, even for her."

"So what was her problem? We were discussing the repairs when she suddenly…" Her voice trailed off.

Kathryn waited, sitting back.

"She barged in to invite you to dinner?"

Kathryn exhaled. "Actually, the inviting happened last night. We agreed to meet after our duty shifts today."

B'Elanna looked at the door then back at Kathryn. "OK. Seven invited you to dinner, and you said yes?"

"Not Seven," Kathryn said. "Annika," she stressed. "You have to remember that. She doesn't remember anything about being Seven of Nine, either her time in the Borg or her time here on Voyager."

"That's hard to believe." B'Elanna raised a hand and waved it. "She's walking, talking, doing incredibly complex calculations in Astrometrics. Bitching about my department."

"She hasn't been in a single command staff meeting."

B'Elanna's eyes unfocused and then she blinked and nodded. "Shit, you're right."

"Tuvok and I locked her out of all the command systems."

"She's still Borg, though right? She'll just break the codes. She still has implants. That's got to mean—"

"Not functioning," Kathryn interrupted. "She can't regenerate anymore. She's been sleeping in the quarters I assigned her. These last two weeks, her general health hasn't faltered, so the Doctor thinks perhaps there's been a total system break."

"Is her life in danger?"

"We're not sure."

"Why haven't you said anything?"

"I told you all at the last staff meeting that Seven was no longer going to attend. But the rest is her personal health and privileged information."

"But, it's been two weeks. Hasn't someone slipped in front of her? Called her Seven?"

"She's not one for crowds. She never was. Since her release from sickbay, she's only taken a few meals in the mess hall, usually at my request or Icheb's. You're the first I've heard."

"Well," B'Elanna groused, but Kathryn could tell that the engineer's head of steam was blowing out. "She did piss me off."

"You should appreciate the volatility. When she learned she was Borg, she got very angry at Icheb."

"I can't imagine it. She really cares for that kid."

"Yes, she does. But in this instance she scared him—quite badly. She still has exceptional knowledge of mathematics and astronomy. So she continues work in Astrometrics. That limits who she interacts with and they've been told. But it's important everyone relate to her as they might any civilian scientist. And use Annika, B'Elanna." Kathryn knew her tone was more earnest than commanding.

"No, yeah, I get it." B'Elanna stood up. "I guess I better let you get to your dinner."

Looking up, Kathryn smiled. "Thank you."


Kathryn entered the mess hall with Annika beside her. Annika winced at the change in noise levels, which, truthfully, weren't as loud as this place could get. Focusing on behaving normally, Kathryn guided them to Neelix's serving station. "I apologize for not being punctual."

"As you said 5.3 minutes ago, the chief engineer is a vital member of Voyager's crew."

Hearing Annika's dull tone, Janeway realized the young woman had fixated on her and wondered really what was at the heart of it. She handed her a tray and ladled what looked to be similar to a rice and protein mixture into a bowl and handed it to her. "Here."

Annika, taking the offered tray, cocked her eyebrow. "Would you prefer that B'Elanna Torres was here instead of me?"

"No, of course not." She didn't need to act surprised.

They moved to the replicator for drinks. Annika ordered a tea then Kathryn ordered a coffee. "You are close with B'Elanna," Annika said, now sounding ruminative.

"I told you, she's a trusted offi—"

"You touched her."

Kathryn blinked. Annika's tone was so clearly jealous that she could think of nothing to say for a long moment.

In that same moment, the doors to the mess hall opened, admitting Tom Paris and B'Elanna Torres. Kathryn's gaze followed the couple to the serving counter.

"She is not worthy of you," Annika stated. "Is she why you will not resume our relationship?" Falling to silence, Annika flexed her hand, scowled, then frowned.

B'Elanna talked with Neelix and the Talaxian smiled, held up a finger then disappeared into his kitchens. Tom leaned over and kissed B'Elanna's cheek.

"She is involved with Tom Paris."

Leaning across the table where they sat together, Kathryn grasped the other woman's wrist. "What's gotten into you? You've never acted jealous of B'Elanna before. You had been getting along better."

Annika looked like she had eaten something distasteful, but then her head shot up and her gaze sparked, capturing Kathryn's. "I haven't?"

Kathryn could have kicked herself. How could I have forgotten? I was just telling B'Elanna. Damn. She had just been so surprised to hear jealousy. She sighed. As Tuvok said, honesty was always best. She said gently, "When you first came aboard, you two were often at odds. But that changed. You've worked together on many projects."

"Did she send me into the Jeffries tube?"

Kathryn shook her head. "She says you went in on your own. Her team has made repairs, but they're still going over the data to figure out what caused the area to blow apart."

Annika sighed. "I wish I had my memories. If only to know why I feel so angry at her."

Kathryn said gently, "You have no reason to be angry."

When Annika's frown cleared, Kathryn released a breath, feeling she had averted a crisis. Annika confusing jealousy for anger was so similar to Seven. However, right now was not the time for a philosophical discussion. She was reminded of explaining that to Seven once upon a time: "There's a time and a place for philosophical discussions. Two in the morning in my quarters isn't one of them." She felt her lips quirk at the bittersweet memory.

Though she loosened her grip on Annika's wrist, she softly caressed the hand before completely pulling away to grip her utensil. "You have, however, settled nicely back into Astrometrics. Tom reported that the scans for the sectors are incredibly complete."

"I don't have to think about that," Annika said and frustration laced every word. "When I think, I falter. When I seek it out, whatever I am trying to find seems to jump out of reach." She lifted her gaze from her meal.

"Are you still having headaches?" Kathryn asked. Her hand slipped again over Annika's. The young woman turned her palm over. Kathryn glanced down a moment later to find their fingers interlaced. It felt…nice. She swallowed. "Well?"

"Infrequently." The spare phrasing, so Seven, made her smile. "But I have started sorting my thoughts with a personal log."

"Oh?"

"I thought of searching my personal logs for more information and rebuilding my memory from my own words."

Kathryn felt a pit start to form in her stomach. She's been in the computer.

"But the computer informed me that today was my first log entry." Kathryn bit her lip to keep her reaction–relief–to herself. Annika quickly added, "I cannot believe in two years that I have not entered any of my thoughts in a log. Were you aware of this?"

Keeping her expression neutral when she shook her head, Kathryn said, "Personal logs are personal, after all."

Annika's gaze narrowed a moment, in an expression Kathryn recognized. She'd had it aimed at her often enough when they played Velocity and Seven was trying to fathom how "merely human" Kathryn Janeway had beaten her yet again. Annika was analyzing her. "You thought I did," Annika said. "No," she added after a moment. "You know I did."

Kathryn sat back, but Annika leaned forward. "S-Annika, I-"

"You are the captain. You create all the clearances, and authorize all the security measures. Why did you lock away my own logs?"

Kathryn knew, like B'Elanna had said, if Annika had her Borg skills she could find her personal logs easily. She had only ordered Tuvok to lock Annika out of data searches that fell under official ship's operations. She couldn't see how personal logs would be part of that. "Annika…" And then it hit her. The woman before her had looked for log entries recorded by Annika Hansen. Not Seven of Nine.

But telling Annika that would open the can of worms that was Seven's fraught history both as a Borg and aboard Voyager. She'd been through enough shock recently, and Kathryn wasn't sure she could withstand more.

"I want to understand who I was," Annika said tightly. "So I do not misspeak with friends, or act inappropriately."

"You haven't been," Kathryn said. "Not really."

"I may make other missteps from my lack of knowledge."

"You're doing very well," Kathryn praised, hoping that would be enough to have Annika drop the topic. She diverted and said, "Are you finished?"

"Yes."

"What would you like to do now?" Annika's gaze turned upon Kathryn, and her brows drew together tightly. Kathryn resisted the instinct to fidget.

Annika tilted her head and looked around the mess hall. Her frown deepened briefly, then cleared, and Kathryn wondered what the hell she was thinking about so exactly .

"What I would like to do," Annika said finally, putting down her utensil, "is spend more time with you. Would that be acceptable?"

Get more information out of me, more likely. Kathryn's face and throat heated under Annika's blazing gaze. She glanced right and left to be sure that no one was paying any particular attention to them. "I think it's time to go."

"So you are willing to spend our off-duty time together?" Annika asked. "I have not felt comfortable going anywhere but to my quarters, although Icheb has repeatedly invited me to the holodeck."

Kathryn smiled, relieved they seemed to be moving further from the topic. "You'd probably enjoy that. I know you have gone a few times in the past. For example, you and I have played Velocity."

"What is Velocity?" Annika asked.

"A game."

"I am not interested in games," Annika said. "Is there anything else we did together?"

Another option occurred to her. Kathryn stood up. "I have an idea."

"What?"

"Put your dishes in the recycler and I'll show you."

Watching Annika recycle her tray, Kathryn only hoped that her plan was the right one. There had to be some way to reconnect Annika safely with her memories.