CB: Many thanks for everyone's patience (again). I really am sorry you all had to wait so long, but a lot of things have been happening the past couple of months, so I haven't really had a chance to sit down and write this properly until now.
'Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.'
- James Baldwin
"My life is officially over," James announced as he flopped down dramatically beside Sirius on the Common Room sofa.
"Oh?" Sirius raised an enquiring eyebrow, and even Peter sat up, fighting off holiday lethargy to watch, amused, as James pressed a hand theatrically to his eyes. Sirius smirked and nudged him in the side. "Well, I hope it's going to end in a horribly gruesome and suitably public way. McGonagall would expect no less than a disruption from you – even in death." He smiled and patted James's arm consolingly. "Tell if you want, or keep us all in suspense until your dying day."
"It's Lily," James whimpered, abandoning his pose. "She's got it into her head that we're eating Christmas dinner together in the Great Hall."
"And so you shall," Sirius promised soothingly. "Turkey and Christmas pudding all 'round. And hurrah for that!" He frowned. "Is there a problem with Christmas dinner?" he demanded.
"No…and then again yes," James sighed.
Sirius puffed up indignantly. "If it's about the turkey I'll not stand by and let you insult it," he warned. "We both know Hogwarts' Christmas turkey is the finest in the country, nay, the world."
"Hear, hear," Peter agreed enthusiastically.
"It's not the turkey, it's Dumbledore's insane Christmas plans!"
"Something wrong with them?" Sirius enquired, relaxing now that the turkey wasn't being called into question.
"Something wrong? Something wrong?" James sat up, sounding indignant. "The old fool wants everyone in fancy dress, that's what's wrong!" He looked apoplectic as both Sirius and Peter stared at him blankly. "This is a disaster!" he insisted. "A catastrophe beyond our wildest imaginings! Even you, Sirius, could not have come up with an idea as cruel – even as a new means of tormenting Snape!"
"Now hang on a minute," Peter protested. "What's so wrong with dressing up? I rather fancy the idea myself. I had a nice Father Christmas outfit picked out."
"It'd suit you," Sirius said approvingly.
"Do neither of you care?" James howled, earning himself dirty looks from his fellow Gryffindors.
"Not really." Sirius waved a languid hand. "I was thinking of going as a pirate myself. Yo Ho Ho'ing, with the pilfering and the pillaging and whatnot." He beamed at James's irate expression.
"It's fine for you two," his best friend said darkly. "You don't have girlfriends."
"Oh, this is what it's about." Sirius exchanged a knowing look with Peter then clapped James cheerfully on the back. "So what's she suggested you go as? Sleeping Beauty and the Prince? Romeo and Juliet? Come on," he continued as James groaned and buried his face in his hands, "it can't be that bad. You can tell us – and it's not like you've actually agreed to wear anything yet, right?"
"I have," James moaned, "and it's worse than either of you can anticipate. She got me whilst my defences were down, I swear! If I'd been coherent I would have been able to say no. But I was distracted and I challenge either of you two to have been more intelligent in my situation."
"Your 'situation' being what, exactly?" Peter enquired delicately.
"I had my hand down her top."
There was a muffled explosion from Sirius, who was rapidly turning red in the face. His shoulders shaking with pent up laughter, he regarded James with eyes that were welling with tears of mirth. There was a moment of anticipation before he could contain himself no longer and ended up literally howling with laughter. Burying his face in a cushion, he tried to muffle the sound, but James smacked him hard on the head anyway.
"Oy!"
"Sorry, sorry," Sirius wheezed, emerging for a moment from his cushion to draw breath. "But…she…she…d-distracted you by…" He dissolved into a fit of laughter again as Peter tried to keep a straight face about the whole situation.
"So what did you agree to go as?" he asked, trying to distract James, who looked as though he would very much like to throttle Sirius for attracting the attention of half of the common room with his giggling.
James winced. "Lancelot."
"Ohhh priceless!" Sirius wiped his eyes, managing to stifle his amusement until only the occasional hiccup of mirth escaped him. "I c-can't wait to see you in armour." He bit his lip, which was trembling dangerously, and James glared at him. "You'll make a lovely couple," Sirius assured him, deliberately ignoring his friend's dark expression. "I don't see what you're so worried about. Everyone else will be dressed up in ridiculous costumes, I mean, why not you too? Surely you're not so old and adult that you don't enjoy dressing up occasionally?"
"Maybe," James conceded with as much grace as he could manage. "But…I mean…Lancelot?" he sighed and slumped back in his seat, the irritation fading from his face. "Romeo and Juliet would have been bad enough, but I think Guinevere and Lancelot is somehow worse."
"Not really," Peter assured him. "Think how many other people will probably be dressed up like that. All the couples will probably have some kind of romantic theme going on."
"He's right," Sirius agreed. "The only one who'll look a real fool is Snape." His expression darkened momentarily, and it was James's turn to exchange a worried glance with Peter. "But," Sirius continued, visibly attempting to banish his mood, "he looks ridiculous all the time anyway. No one will laugh at you James, I promise. I'll even go on Parodying Potter Patrol so that no one can mock you, if you like."
"Don't," James sighed. "It will only waste your evening and make me look like a pompous prat."
"It would rather," Peter murmured. "But we'll keep an ear out anyway if you like, and thrash anyone who's being nasty. Well," he amended hastily as James looked at him, eyebrows raised, "Sirius can do the thrashing; I'll do the listening out."
"That's a sensible plan. I've always enjoyed a good bashing." Sirius smiled dreamily. "Of course now we're all older, we're technically meant to be setting an example to the younger students…which we'd be doing! 'Thou shalt always protect thy friends' is a sacred rule, which should never be broken. Except in the case of an extreme situation such as death. Or maybe if they owe you money…"
"Sirius!" James protested.
"What? It's the truth! Be honest, Potter, you once held me upside down off a broomstick until I gave you the money I owed you after I lost that bet. Remember?"
"True." James shook his head. "But I think we're all a little past the beating up and menacing stage, don't you? I mean, we're not twelve any more."
"Even if some of us got stuck with that mental age," Peter interjected dryly. Sirius shot him an indignant look then turned to resolutely ignoring him. James rolled his eyes.
"Anyway," he continued, deciding it would be wise not to point out that Sirius had just proved Peter's point, "maybe there's hope yet. I mean, Christmas is still a couple of days away, surely there's a chance that I can talk Lily out of this madness. After all, costumes are very expensive to hire, and I'm sure she wouldn't want me to spend all my hard earned money on a suit of armour. Right?" His hopeful expression fell somewhat as Peter regarded him dubiously. "No?"
"It's worth a shot," Sirius began, "but I wouldn't pin too much hope on it. If Lily says you're going as Lancelot, you'll go as Lancelot."
"You don't think I can stand up to her?" It was James's turn to look indignant.
"No," Sirius replied firmly, as Peter just shook his head sadly. "Sorry," he added belatedly as James groaned in despair.
"Changing the subject completely before James goes off to hang himself," Peter said, attempting to elbow Sirius off the sofa so that he could stretch his legs out. "Did anyone understand the Defence Against the Dark Arts homework? Because I'm not sure I can write five rolls of parchment on the feeding habits of three dark creatures of our own choice, and how to spot their species."
"It's fairly simple," James explained patiently. "Just pick…oh, I don't know, a vampire, a werewolf and a basilisk, say what they like to eat and then describe how you can pick them out in a crowd."
"For example," Sirius added, "take the basilisk. Species: Basilisk. Signs to look for when trying to spot one: ruddy great snake who turns you into stone. (See also Medusa). There, that was easy, wasn't it?"
"That will not fill five rolls of parchment." Peter sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Maybe I should go and talk to Professor Lupin about it. He might at least be able to suggest some books I can look in."
"Yes, he can also help you with the werewolf characteristics." Sirius's voice was slightly too sweet, and Peter paled in spite of himself at the implications of the sentence.
"I'd forgotten he was a werewolf," he muttered. "I mean, not that it's a problem. Well, it is, but…I don't want it to be, and…oh…I need help with my homework but I'm not sure he's the person to ask then. Maybe I should just try on my own. I mean, no offence to Professor Lupin but I don't want to be eaten or anything, and it might be just as well if I didn't go….I don't want to upset him or something…" He bit his lip.
"Peter!" James exclaimed impatiently, "Don't be ridiculous. Professor Lupin's no different to you or me. So he has a little…furry problem…" (Sirius snorted) "…But it's nothing to be afraid of. Think of it as, oh I don't know, a non-infectious disease or something. I mean, ninety nine per cent of the time he's perfectly normal, right? And it's not like you've seen him running around the grounds howling at the moon."
"Yes, but…" Peter wavered, clearly torn between wanting to believe James and going for help with his homework, and his natural fearful instinct. "What if he gets more bad-tempered or something before the full moon? He might shout at me."
"Peter, Peter, Peter," James said soothingly. "Professor Sinn shouts at you all the time and you don't care. Besides, I'm sure the full moon's not for ages yet."
"Christmas Eve. Three days time," Sirius said promptly, and without thinking. He blinked as James turned incredulous eyes upon him.
"You know when the next full moon is?"
"Er, yes." Sirius cleared his throat. "I mean, I just happened to be looking at a lunar chart the other day in, er, Astronomy, and I noted when the next full moon was. Nothing unusual in doing that, is there? I mean, shouldn't a man know when his full moon is?"
James opened his mouth as though he was about to say something, then shut it quickly. "No, not at all. Nothing odd in that at all." He turned hastily back to Peter. "You see? Ages and ages away. Three whole days is a long time. I'm sure if you go and see him now he'll be perfectly happy to help you." He patted Peter on the back. "Anyway, I'm sure he'd love to help you – it's what teacher are paid to do, isn't it? And if you're really uncomfortable, we'll come with you."
"Will we?" Sirius sat up straighter, looking vaguely put out.
"Yes," James replied firmly, "we will."
AaAaAaAa
"I think it's all a load of rubbish, myself," Mars said, legs swinging as he sat perched on a desk. "I mean, who in their right minds would want to go near that thing?"
"You'd be surprised," Sinn said, absently shuffling his papers. He cocked an eyebrow at Remus. "Of course it's you that should be the most worried, I think. If one of the children manages to get close enough to…"
"Don't." Remus cut him off with a shudder. He laid his quill to one side and leant back in his chair. The rain pattering against the windows made strange shadows across his desk, and apart from the other two teachers, the classroom was empty of life. The light was already dimming as the day drew to a close, and the twilight made Remus's eyes ache, as though he had been trying to read for too long.
"Still, it's become the new sport of the holidays," Mars said, absently fiddling with a piece of his hair. "They're all daring one another to see who can get the closest to the trunk without getting killed."
"I'm starting to think planting a Whomping Willow was a bad idea," Sinn muttered. "Couldn't Dumbledore have gone for something a little less…noticeable? And how exactly has he justified planting a dangerous tree on school grounds to the Board of Governors? Surely it might have been simpler for you to have just walked into Hogsmeade once a month, Remus?" He shot an enquiring look at the young teacher.
"No." Remus rubbed his forehead tiredly. "Eventually someone in the village would have noticed that I walked to the shack every month and that soon after there was horrible noises. And I very much doubt they would have thought I was a poltergeist."
"He has a point," Mars agreed. Sinn glared at him.
"Stop playing with your hair," he snapped, leaning forwards and plucking the strands from Mars fingers. Tucking them safely behind the Sports teacher's ear, he sat back, radiating disapproval. "It'll only make it more tangled than it already is."
"Yes mother." Mars grinned impudently and Remus fought to hide as smile as Sinn sniffed indignantly. "Anyway," Mars continued, turning his attention back to Remus, "I'm sure this new danger sport will have died down by the end of the holidays. I think trying to kill themselves just gives the brats something to do." He shrugged as Sinn rolled his eyes. "And I've been handing out detentions left right and centre to anyone I see so much as looking at that tree the wrong way."
"Thank you," Remus smiled, "to both of you."
"Oh it's nothing," Mars assured him breezily. "Anyway, it was Sinn who noticed what was happening first, and he put me on the case because I'm always out in the grounds anyway, so I can keep an eye on things – make sure no one discovers the knot." He shrugged. "Besides, it's not just you I'm thinking about, I mean, what would happen if a kid took it into his or her head to follow the passage on the night of the full moon?"
"Don't," Remus said softly. "It's something I absolutely dread to think of."
"We know." Sinn patted his arm soothingly, shooting Mars an angry look. "But it's not likely to happen, is it? We all know the tree will bludgeon anyone who gets too close to it – and I think after a couple of smacks the students will soon pick up on the idea that it's a bit too dangerous. After all, they're not stupid. Well," he amended, "not entirely." Absently he picked up several of his papers and shuffled them again.
"And in the meantime I'll do my best to keep them –" A knock on the classroom door cut Mars off abruptly, and he leapt off the desk, tensing slightly.
"Professor?" Peter stuck his head around the door, looking slightly nervous. "Um, sorry to interrupt but, um, Professor McGonagall said you might be here and…well…I need some help…" He trailed off, looking helplessly from Remus to Sinn to Mars and back again. "I can come back later if it's a bit of a bother?" he added.
"No, it's alright Peter. You haven't interrupted." Remus smiled and indicated one of the desks. "Grab a chair and I'll help you as best I can."
"Thanks." Peter brightened considerably. Pushing the door open completely, he all but scuttled into the room, avoiding Mars's amused look and dumping his homework on Remus's desk. "It's mainly just going about answering the question you set us…"
"Oh, what's…" Remus looked up from Peter's scraps of parchment and flinched. James Potter had sauntered into the room and was currently settling himself behind one of the front row desks. But standing in the doorway was Sirius, his expression grim and tinged with a faint bitterness, as though he had a bad taste in his mouth. There was a long, awkward pause as Sirius met Remus's gaze, before his mouth tightened and he half turned, stomping across the classroom to flop down in the seat next to James's.
"I hope you don't mind…" Peter said hesitantly, "but they said they wanted to come along."
"I…oh, no. That's not a problem," Remus assured him, tearing his gaze away from Sirius, who was glaring at the surface of his desk. Next to him, James was folding a piece of paper into a miniature broomstick. Biting his lip, Remus tried to focus his attention on Peter, who was watching him worriedly, clutching a page of his essay in one hand, the and a quill in the other, his fingers stained with ink.
"Now, what was the problem again?" Remus forced Sirius to the back of his mind, ignoring him as best he could as he listened to Peter and gently explained that yes, Peter had got the right idea about his essay, no, he didn't need to do more than three creatures and yes, it probably was a good idea to refer to other scholars if he wanted a better mark. As he talked, he couldn't help but feel grateful that Sinn was sitting close by, watching James and Sirius like a hawk and that Mars, perched next to him once more, looked ready to pounce if Sirius so much as blinked in the wrong way.
Maybe, he reasoned, he did have friends here, after all.
"I think," Peter said at length, "I understand a little better now." He sighed in relief and shuffled his parchment scraps into something resembling a pile. "And any creature is ok to write about, is it?" He blinked nervously, wondering how to ask Lupin if writing about werewolves was alright when he wasn't even meant to know one was currently residing in the school. Deciding it was probably not worth the risk, he stood up hastily, nearly sending his chair flying.
"Of course." Remus smiled reassuringly at him. "I wanted to give you all scope for your studies. You are NEWT students, after all."
"So, writing about, oh, I don't know, werewolves is alright with you, is it Professor?" Sirius's voice filled the silence of the classroom and Remus stiffened. Glancing nervously first at Peter – who was now frantically shuffling his parchment, eyes fixed on the desk – then at James – who was still engaged with his paper broom – the teacher swallowed, and managed to fix a polite smile on his face.
"Yes, of course that's fine, why shouldn't it be?"
"Well." Sirius raised an eyebrow and Remus noticed distractedly that Potter had looked up from his model broom and was watching the exchange with the horrified fascination of a man watching an unstoppable train wreck.
"Well," Sirius repeated, standing up, "I would have thought you of all people would have known just why it wasn't 'fine', Professor."
There was an infuriated hiss from Mars, who had slid off of his desk and was now standing, stiff and precise with rage. "Just what are you insinuating, Mr Black?" He folded his arms, staring hard at Sirius, who raised his chin defiantly, still smirking.
"Nothing," he said at length, and Mars's eyes narrowed. "Nothing at all." He turned, jerking his head towards the door. "Come on James; Peter; let's go."
Turning, he stomped from the room, Peter scurrying behind him. James got to his feet too, but paused. Remus watched him nervously, half expecting questions about the exchange. James did indeed look very much as though he wanted to say something. He opened his mouth, hesitated, then shut it again. And just before he followed Sirius out, Remus could have sworn he saw something that looked very much like pity cross his student's face.
AaAaAaAa
The dormitory was utterly still that night, save for Peter's snoring.
Sirius lay, still fully clothed, staring up at the canopy above his bed, listening to his friend's snores and the quiet moan of the wind outside. Sighing, he folded his arms across his chest – more for comfort than warmth – and rolled over onto his side, bringing his knees up so that he was curled in a foetal position. Ignoring the dull ache in the pit of his stomach that was reminding him he'd skipped dinner, he stared wide-eyed into the dark.
His behaviour this afternoon had been bad, even he could admit that. It wasn't that Lupin didn't deserve it – he did – but he, Sirius, should not have become so…so angry. He wasn't meant to get infuriated at the sheer gall of a werewolf masquerading as a teacher and acting so normally. His blood wasn't meant to run both hot and cold when he looked at Lupin for any length of time. He wasn't supposed to care what a creature like that did and said. But he did anyway, and it made him furious because he didn't know why.
"I hate you," he whispered to the unheeding darkness. "I hate you. I don't hate you. I hate you." He snarled, baring his teeth angrily as he battled with his own rage and frustration. Giving up on sleep, he sat up, running a distracted hand through his hair, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. Standing up, he crept towards the dormitory door. As he passed James's bed, his friend snorted and rolled over. Sirius froze, but James didn't wake.
Breathing a sigh of relief, Sirius slipped out of the door and down to the common room, unheeding of the chill creeping up from the flagstones that was permeating his socked feet. He paused for a moment in front of the common room fire, staring heedlessly into the flames that were still crackling despite the lateness of the hour. Biting his lip, he hesitated, gaze flicking to the portrait hole. He could go outside, he reasoned, for a walk. It might clear his head, help him sleep. He could, perhaps, take a stroll around the castle – no one would be up at this hour; no one would know he wasn't in bed. He could…
…He could go and see Lupin.
The thought rose unbidden in Sirius's mind, and he swayed, eyes now fixed on the portrait hole. He could. He could go and confront that…that thing. Maybe it'd help get everything off his mind. If there was some kind of finite end to whatever they'd had, then it was always possible he'd be able to tolerate Lupin to some extent. Maybe even look at him without feeling a myriad of confused emotions. Sirius squared his shoulder resolutely. 'It might be for the best…' he thought, then frowned as doubt joined company with resolve in his mind. 'But what if someone catches me? What if I end up doing something I shouldn't?'
Although fault could be found in many of Sirius's character traits, he was not stupid. He knew full well that he was often an impulsive, manipulative spoilt brat, who let his anger lead him into trouble too much. But despite this, and despite his self-awareness, he seemed incapable of changing. It was, he had often reasoned, probably something to do with genetics, and the way he had been raised as a child. Oh, he knew that wasn't the whole of it – being friends with James Potter, who always encouraged him in his mischief making, had not helped either. But in spite of James, in spite of his family, Sirius had always felt a certain amount of helplessness when it came to his own actions. He reacted before he thought things through more often than not, and he had always wondered whether it wasn't something that came uniquely from himself that caused so much trouble. His impulsiveness was a part of him – something that could not be attributed to any outside influence.
It was this same impulsiveness that now led Sirius to ignore the more rational part of his mind that was insisting he should just go back to bed and try to sleep, and carefully push open the portrait door leading out of the common room. The Fat Lady stirred sleepily as he closed her portrait behind himself with a quiet click, but by the time she had roused herself fully, he had vanished, slipping off into the shadows of the castle.
Heart pounding, he all but ran towards where he knew Lupin's office to be. It was almost certain the other man wouldn't be there now, but, Sirius reasoned as he slipped around a corner, it was the best place to start. Ignoring the large part of his mind that was now clamouring to simply scuttle back to the safety of Gryffindor Tower, he slowed, picking his way more carefully as he neared his destination. It would not do to get caught; not now. Not until he'd had the chance to talk to Lupin and tell him exactly what he thought of him.
'I'm crazy,' he thought despairingly, as he skirted a pool of light on the floor, which came from a torch still lit on the wall. 'Why on earth am I doing this? What's wrong with me? I can't say anything I haven't already said.' He bit his lip. 'But maybe…maybe if I talk to him I won't be so…irritable around him. Maybe I can at least try to be civilised. Well, as civilised as I can be to an animal.' He quickened his pace again, half expecting someone to jump at him from the shadows.
It was because of his nerves and his thoughts that he nearly ran into Snape. Too busy debating with himself, it took him a moment to realise that, having rounded the final corner, he was feet away from his fellow student. Only the darkness and his bare feet had saved him from being seen or heard. Leaping back in surprise, he slipped back around the corner and pressed himself against the wall, heart pounding furiously.
"Yes," Snape was saying quietly, "I know about that."
"Then you also know that his brother would not be entirely sympathetic if he found out that someone had effectively turned him in?"
Sirius blinked, surprised. He recognised the second voice – Lucius Malfoy's.
"It's surprising how strongly those two defend each other," Snape sneered, "despite being at different schools. I hear Regulus is often standing up for him, against their mother. Of course, if this whole affair was to be let slip…" He paused, leaving the sentence hanging, as though waiting for Lucius to either agree or condemn.
"If this got out, you would be the prime suspect, Severus," Lucius replied, voice smooth and diplomatic. "It's no secret that both you and Sirius dislike each other immensely, and you're in the perfect position to monitor his movements. No, perhaps you should leave it with me. If I speak to Mrs Black privately, there's a good chance that she'll persuade Sirius to join our…cause. And if not, your information might be quite useful. Blackmail often achieves the same results as bribery."
"If you're sure…" Snape sounded dubious. "But Black's not one to blackmail, Lucius. I mean, he's…well, he's crazy. It's more likely he'll refuse to cooperate if you try something like that."
Sirius, who was listening in horrified fascination, flinched as he was struck by Snape's rather accurate description. It did sound like something he would do. Frowning, he shuffled a step nearer to the corner, trying to hear everything.
"And if it was only Sirius who was implicated in your information, I'd be inclined to agree with you," Lucius was saying. "However, surely Sirius will have to consider the consequences for this Professor Lupin before he rejects us. I hear the Ministry is quite stern with…improper teaching methods nowadays." He laughed quietly and Sirius snarled, a flood of anger filling him. He was going to kill Malfoy for even daring to think that blackmailing him would work, and then he was going to kill Snape. As slowly as possible. Tear him limb from limb; tie him to a tree in the Forbidden Forest and leave him there; grab him by the throat and…
"Mr Snape, I believe all students should be in their beds at this time of night." The mild voice interrupted Sirius's blind fury and he paused, about to lunge around the corner and murder his fellow student.
"I was just on my way back from the library, Professor." Snape's voice was bland, with a slight sneer.
"Indeed? I believe the library closed a good few hours ago." Remus's voice was as polite as ever. "And I don't recall you receiving permission to entertain a representative of the school governors."
"That was my fault." Lucius, Sirius noted, was trying his best to sound charming, and failing to keep the revulsion out of his voice. "I ran into Severus and was asking him where the nearest bathroom was."
"It's straight down this hall. Mr Snape, I believe you should return to your dormitory, don't you? I won't take points from Slytherin this time, but if you feel inclined to go on another midnight visit to the library, I will have to speak to your Head of House. Off you go please." There was a long pause, and Sirius had to restrain himself from peering around the corner to see the look on Snape's face. Instead, he waited until he heard them all march off down the corridor, before breathing a quiet sigh of relief.
"You can come out now, Sirius."
Half leaping in fright, Sirius stuck his head around the corner. He had been sure Lupin had gone with the others, but there he stood, half in the shadow of one of the suits of armour, looking faded and very tired. Scowling, Sirius moved to stand in front of his teacher, folding his arms.
"I suppose you'll be taking points from Gryffindor for this," he spat.
"Hardly." Remus ran a hand through his hair. "It wouldn't be fair considering I let Mr Snape off with a warning."
"Oh? But surely you've got more cause to dislike me, therefore, more points to be taken off." Sirius refused to let his guard down, even if Lupin did look as though he was about to fall asleep where he stood. "I mean, it's not like fairness and morality matter to…to…people like you."
"Well at least you're acknowledging I'm a person." Lupin's voice was as weary as the rest of him.
"Hardly. I just don't know what other word to use. Creature, maybe? Monster?" Sirius took a step back as Lupin moved away from the suit of armour, towards him.
"Sirius, have I ever harmed you? Have I ever harmed anyone? I hardly think your opinion of me is fair, do you?" Remus sighed, dropping his gaze to the floor. "Most of the time I'm as normal as you or your friend, James. At least, I try to be. I don't want to hurt anyone! The very thought of it makes me ill. But my…condition is something I have no control over, alright? And I thought that you, of all people, might understand that."
"And why would I understand?" Sirius was pale with rage. The evening, already bad, had become worse. Lucius and Snape were going to blackmail him into doing Merlin only knew what, and it was all the fault of the man standing in front of him. Sirius wouldn't turn him in. He knew what happened to teachers who messed around with students – his father had been on enough juries – and he wasn't, no matter what Lupin was, going to condemn him to imprisonment.
"Because…" Remus slumped tiredly, turning his head slightly so his face was hidden in shadow. "Because you're Sirius Black. And Sirius Black is judged for what he is. And I…I stupidly assumed that maybe you got sick of everyone judging you because of your family, just like I get sick of everyone judging me because of my condition."
"I…" Sirius opened his mouth. Shut it again. He couldn't think of anything to say. He knew that somehow Lupin was tricking him – manoeuvring him in some way to gain sympathy, but he couldn't come up with a sensible answer. A thousand thoughts flashed through his head in a confused jumble. 'You bloody liar…how can you stand there, so calm and confident? What if I turn you in for…for…for whatever it was you did to me? That'll teach you not to make me lose my control, that'll teach you not to make me…' Sirius started, cutting off his own thoughts abruptly.
"I'm not you," he said eventually; roughly. "And not everyone judges me for my family. James and Peter don't."
"Don't they?" Remus's question wasn't out of a desire to hurt, but out of genuine curiosity; but to Sirius, it sounded deliberately nasty.
"No!" he hissed. "They don't." He was aware he was lying, and looked away. "Besides, it's not like you'd understand. You wouldn't. I'm sure you don't get things like loyalty and trust and humanity."
"Why are you like this?" Remus rubbed his eyes, his voice becoming tight with frustration. "Have I wronged you in some way? I've told you, I'm not an animal. I'm someone who has feelings and tries to be the best person he can. Why are you so convinced I'm not human? Why are you so determined to belittle me as much as possible?"
"You're not an animal then, are you?" Sirius stared at him and Remus shivered, unnerved. Sirius's voice was suddenly eerily calm, his gaze calculated and cold as he gazed at Remus.
"Not an animal?" Sirius repeated. "So, if you're not an animal, Professor Lupin, how is it that you knew I was around the corner from Lucius and Snape? You can't tell me that a normal person would have sensed someone else was there; and I didn't make any noise."
"I…could smell you."
"You could smell me." Sirius's lips curved into a triumphant smile. "Yes, not at all animalistic, Professor. I'm sure all humans have such a powerful sense of smell. And they have to be locked up every full moon behind a vicious tree, of course."
Remus paled. "How do you know about that?"
"I heard Professor Fogarty talking this morning. It wasn't hard to figure out which tree he was referring to, and why." Sirius's expression was cold, but thoughtful. "You need to be more careful. If I can overhear you talking about it, so can anyone. You wouldn't want a curious student finding their way down…the passage, was it?" He frowned. "Especially not one who doesn't know what to expect."
"That won't happen," Remus said, more to convince himself than to disagree with Sirius. "It won't. No one knows about it."
"No," Sirius agreed, and this time it was he who took a step forwards. "Nobody knows. Except Dumbledore; and the rest of the staff." He smiled narrowly. "And me."
"You wouldn't tell anyone." Remus took a deep breath and glared at Sirius. "What would be the point? No one would be stupid enough to go down there once you'd said what the Willow and the passage are for, so why bother telling anyone in the first place?" He straightened, his expression determined. "And I'm going to warn Dumbledore that you know about the Whomping Willow. So if anyone gets hurt, the headmaster will know exactly who's to blame."
"Oh, they'd know who was responsible," Sirius agreed. "But that wouldn't help much if you attacked someone, would it?"
"But I won't attack anyone," Remus snapped. He was tired. Tired of Sirius playing stupid, arrogant mind games with him; tired of his student's unrelenting dislike of who and what he was. It wasn't that he had never come across prejudice before, but Sirius's complete fixation of the darker side of his nature was making him both angry and depressed. Whilst it was not surprising that Sirius – raised to believe in pureblood ethics – would hold him in contempt, the other man's utter denial that there remained anything human in Remus was making him furious – something that very rarely happened.
"Oh, of course you won't!" Sirius spat. "After all, I'm sure you're quite perfectly rational at full moon, aren't you? It would never occur to you to want to bite someone? To tear them to pieces?" He took another step forwards, eyes gleaming with some strange, indiscernible emotion that Remus couldn't quite place. "After all, perfect control is what Remus Lupin is all about. He always thinks things through rationally, doesn't he? Even as a slavering, vicious beast!"
"Shut up! Just shut up!" The words exploded out of Remus before he could stop them, and he shoved Sirius roughly, slamming him back against the wall. "You don't know what the hell you're talking about, Black."
"Don't I?" Sirius breathed, his expression a mixture of savage triumph at making Remus angry and of something softer; something Remus couldn't understand and doubted Sirius did either. "Look at you – you're angry because I've told you the truth."
"I'm angry because you've made me so!" Remus's hands fisted in Sirius's shirt and he leant closer. "You don't know what you're talking about. You know, maybe you are just some spoilt little rich boy who doesn't have a clue how the world works. You don't know anything and you certainly know nothing about me."
"A spoilt little rich boy?" Sirius's eyes narrowed dangerously. "Is that all you think I am?" He gripped Remus's wrist, wrenching himself free from the teacher's grasp. "Just Sirius Black, some stupid kid who doesn't have a clue how the world works? Let me tell you, Lupin, I've seen a damn sight more than you. I've seen things that would make your blood run cold." He laughed and Remus hesitated, unnerved by the anger he could sense in Sirius.
"Would you believe," the student continued, "that I came to find you this evening? Just so that I could sort everything out, at least to my satisfaction. I came looking for you, and the worst of it is, I'm not even sure why now. Was it really to sort things out? Or was it just to make you as angry as me?"
"Well you've certainly succeeded if that's the case!" Remus snapped, turning his back on Sirius. "Get back to bed, Sirius, or…"
"Or what?" Sirius demanded. "You'll take House points? Oh, I'm scared. Go ahead, take them; see if I care."
"Will you just leave?" Remus yelled, spinning to face Sirius again. "Just leave me alone!" His voice echoed down the corridor, causing a nearby portrait to wake long enough to shoot both men an indignant glare and demand they both be quiet because some people were trying to sleep. Sirius froze at the tone of Remus's voice, then glared, his expression darkening dangerously.
"Fine," he said, and his voice was a venomous hiss. "Fine, I'll leave." He crossed the intervening space between himself and Lupin in two swift strides. Gripping his teacher's arm, he leant forwards. "But you'd better be careful, Professor – I'm not going to tell anyone about your secret, but if others were to work it out…they might not keep as quiet about it as I have. And I certainly won't defend you."
Instead of flinching away as Sirius expected him to do, Lupin leant forwards, bending his head close to his pupil's. "I wouldn't expect you to," he hissed back, and his expression was as Sirius had never seen it before – coldly furious and slightly bitter. "To be honest, I've learnt my lesson about expecting anything from you." They were almost nose-to-nose and Sirius could see the faint flecks of gold in Lupin's eyes that he'd never noticed before.
"Well you shouldn't have expected anything in the first place," he growled in return, suddenly, uncomfortably aware of how close they were.
"As I said," Remus snarled, mouth kiss-close to Sirius's, "I know that now." Ignoring the slight hitch in Sirius's breathing he shoved his student away, not bothering to wait for a reply. Turning on his heel, he marched away down the corridor, his angry footfalls echoing away to nothing in the vastness of the castle.
Sirius stared after him, breathing hard.
"Fuck," he whispered to himself.
AaAaAaAa
"It is Christmas Eve," James said cheerfully, "and I will not have you lounging about the place brooding and sulking as you have for the past couple of days."
"Or indeed for the past term," Peter muttered under his breath, then hastily returned to his essay as Sirius spat out a mouthful of his own hair and turned his head to glare at him.
"So," James continued, oblivious to the interruption, "you either tell me what's wrong or I'll be forced to hurt you some more; and as we can both see, your previous attempts at self-defence have hardly been what I'd call a success." He beamed as Sirius uttered several choice – if somewhat muffled – curses in his direction, and then simply grabbed the back of his friend's head and shoved his face back down into the rug on the Common Room floor. "Tired of eating carpet yet?" he added blithely.
Sirius retorted with something that sounded suspiciously like 'bugger off', and flailed his limbs, completely failing to hit James, who was sitting comfortably in the middle of his back. Giving up, he went limp, and James leant forwards enough to peer suspiciously at the side of Sirius's head, trying to see his face.
"I think you've suffocated him," Peter said helpfully. "He's gone all red from what I can see from over here."
"He has?" James scrambled off Sirius, who rolled onto his back, wheezing. "Oops."
"I'll…get you for that…Potter…" Sirius managed. "Once…I've got my…breath back." He groaned, clutching his stomach. "Gods you're heavy. How can someone so skinny weigh so much? I thought you were going to snap my spine." He glared at James, his face slowly returning to its normal colour. "I could sue you for grievous bodily assault or something," he added, not really meaning it.
"Right," James said dubiously. "And you don't think Snape wouldn't have already done that if he could?"
Sirius scowled. "Well, it seems to me that Snape has new friends now – ones who answer to a higher authority than any mere legal system."
"Ah hah!" James crowed. "Is this what's annoying you? Has Snape been invited around to your house during the holidays or something? Is he suddenly friends with some of the higher up aristocrats, maybe?" He paused, expression falling. "He hasn't somehow been talking to Regulus, has he?" He looked so worried that Sirius had to smile.
"No, don't be daft. I think even my stupid younger brother knows that associating with Snape is not something that one does. It's…" Sirius hesitated, biting his lip. He could tell James what the matter was – it was likely his friend would be able to help him somehow. But on the other hand, Peter would have to be let in on the problem as well, and Peter, Sirius knew, would want to go straight to Dumbledore about it. Then again, if he made both of them swear not to tell anyone…
"It is to do with Snape," he admitted at length, and James looked faintly pleased to have his suspicions confirmed. "But it's…also to do with something else, as well."
"Something…" James paused, trying to find a suitably non-descript way of placing his question, "…to do with, ah, a certain person's little…problem?" He stared hard at Sirius, hoping he would get the point: the Common Room was not really the place to talk about such things.
"Yes." Sirius nodded abruptly. "It's to do with that, too."
"Upstairs?" Peter suggested from where he had been listening.
"Upstairs," James confirmed, jerking his head towards the stairs to the dormitory.
"Right," Sirius agreed, and scrambled to his feet. Leading the way up the stairs, he ushered James and Peter into the dormitory, slamming and locking the door behind them. Sighing, he leant against the reassuring thickness of the wood and stared at his two closest friends. There was a long pause during which Sirius tried to think of where to start and Peter looked vaguely uncomfortable.
"So, what's the problem?" James asked as the silence lengthened and Sirius appeared to be reluctant to break it.
"The problem," Sirius began reluctantly, "is Professor Lupin."
"I'm not going to get smacked if I freak out about whatever you're going to tell us, am I?" There was a note of hesitancy in James's voice. "Because I really, really don't want to know about what goes on between you two –"
"It's nothing like that!"
"Oh good, because, I mean, I may be nice and kind and wonderful and all that –" (there was a loud 'hmph' from Peter) "– but, you know, even the most fantastic of people occasionally… don't want to hear things. And I'm digging myself into a hole, I can tell by the look on your face, so I'm just going to shut up."
"Good," Sirius said, a little more sharply than he'd intended, then immediately looked repentant. "Sorry James."
"Eh." James waves a gracious hand. "People snap at me all the time. You; McGonagall; Professor Sinn; Peter; Lily…the list is endless. A man gets used to such things." He squinted thoughtfully. "But we're getting off topic. You wanted to tell us what the matter was?" Figuring that kindly was the way to go, he smiled benignly at Sirius, who only looked more uncomfortable. Peter attempted to vanish into the camouflage of the furniture – it was sometimes the best thing to do when Sirius was about to confess something he didn't really want others to know. Not being noticeable – and thus not being a target – was definitely something Peter approved of when it came to Sirius.
Sirius drew a deep breath. "Snape's going to try and blackmail me," he said without preamble, "probably using Lupin as the means of blackmailing."
"You mean he'll threaten to rat on the two of you if you don't do as he says?" James frowned. "That sounds a bit…odd. No offence Sirius, but what can he possibly want you to do? Apart from stop hexing him, maybe."
"I…I'm not sure." Sirius's shoulders slumped and he looked at James helplessly. "He was talking to Lucius Malfoy and I, er, happened to overhear them."
"Well the solution's simple." Peter figured that – becoming a potential target or no – he should offer his opinion. "Why don't you just tell Dumbledore about you and Lupin? That way Snape won't have anything to blackmail you with."
"He has a point," James said slowly. "But it would mean a hell of a lot of trouble for Lupin. Dumbledore couldn't turn a blind eye to what you two have been up to." Sirius flinched, and James caught the movement. "I'm sorry." He shrugged. "But it's true. Besides which, I bet the law would come down on Professor Lupin much harder than if he was just a normal bloke. Doesn't seem fair, but facts are facts."
"Which is precisely why I don't want to tell anyone," Sirius said firmly. "I may not like what he is, but I'm not going to destroy him. Not actively, anyway." His expression softened slightly, and both James and Peter exchanged startled looks. "Besides, he…" Sirius hesitated and looked nervously between his two friends. "He's…maybe not that bad when he's making a point" he admitted with extreme reluctance.
"And just what brought about this change in heart?" James's voice was dry and a little sceptical.
"He said a few things when I last spoke to him that made me think," Sirius admitted. "And whilst some of what he said was a load of rubbish, there were…a couple of things that hit a little too close to home." He frowned. "But that doesn't mean I'm going anywhere near him," he added. "I still think he's a disgusting, lying, vicious, monster and I'm just aiming to prove him wrong, anyway."
"Right." Peter looked dubious. "Which is why you won't solve your own problem by simply turning him in."
"I've told you already I'm not going to do that because it's not the right thing to do!" Sirius snapped.
"Anyway," James added, cutting in before Sirius could get angry, "we don't know what Snape's trying to blackmail Sirius into doing. Maybe it'd be better to wait until we know for sure before we do anything."
"But I don't want to wait! I want to tear the slimy little snake into bloody pieces!" Sirius's expression was getting darker by the second. "And take Lucius down with him," he added, to which Peter made a vague noise of agreement. "I mean, Merlin only knows what they're plotting. Malfoy kept going on about their 'cause' – I mean, what the hell can have got Snape so worked up that he'd join a cause and want me to do so too? And clearly my family are involved in some way because when are they not –"
"Your family!" James exclaimed, slapping his forehead in exasperation. Peter stared at him and Sirius blinked, nonplussed by the sudden interruption and change in the conversation. "Sirius you prat, you're meant to be getting your arse down to Hogsmeade to get your present from your brother." There was a long pause as Sirius stared blankly at James, clearly struggling to remember.
"Sorry, what?" he asked eventually.
"Regulus! You told me that he said to go down to the village – something about a cave and sending your Christmas present."
"Argh!" Sirius let out a yelp of panic. "Oh no, I might have missed it! What if the present's already arrived? What if someone's taken it?" He spun around, scrabbling at the locked door. "Quick, James, lend me your cloak, I'll take good care of it, but I don't want to get caught by Filch or his bloody cat."
"We'll come with you," Peter offered, not entirely sure that Sirius could be trusted not to get distracted from his purpose and do a detour to, say, the Slytherin Dungeons to play a few well deserved pranks. He grabbed the cloak from James, who had dragged it out of his school trunk, and offered it to his friend, who snatched it without a second glance, letting out a triumphant cry as he managed to unlock the dormitory door.
"No time, you'd just slow me down. I've got to be back before lights out." Sirius's expression was distracted.
"Bloody hell!" James practically exploded for a second time as Sirius stepped outside. "Sirius, you can't go to Hogsmeade!"
"Why the hell not?" Sirius snapped, already heading towards the stairs.
"It's full moon, isn't it? What if Lupin's out in the grounds somewhere?"
"Now James, be reasonable, I hardly think Dumbledore would let a werewolf roam free around the school grounds," Peter began, as Sirius spoke at the same time.
"He's not," he said bluntly. "He's safe somewhere."
"How do you know?" There was a faint note of hysteria in James's voice.
"I just do." Sirius's voice became muffled as he flung the cloak around himself, covering his body and head. "Besides," he added, "I've got my wand, I'll be safe."
"Are you sure?" Peter squinted in the direction of Sirius's voice.
There was a long pause.
"Sirius?" James prodded. "Did you hear Peter?" Silence was his only reply.
"I think," Peter said carefully, moving well away just in case James exploded, "he's already gone."
AaAaAaAa
"Bloody Snape, bloody Lucius, bloody, bloody werewolves," Sirius muttered to himself.
He was hurrying along the edge of the Forbidden Forest; James's invisibility cloak tucked securely under one arm. The night air was freezing, and he was starting to wish he'd thought to bring his school cloak. Little puffs of frozen air emitted whenever he spoke, and he scowled, trying to warm his fingers through willpower alone, before he got so distracted that he slipped on the damp grass and nearly fell.
"Sod," he hissed, regaining his equilibrium by steadying himself against a nearby tree. Squinting ahead, he tried to determine how far it was to the edge of the school grounds, but the light, despite the full moon, was extremely poor and he could only make out the hulking shape of the line of trees, marching away into the darkness. Giving up, he stood, shivering, trying to decide whether he should just give up and go back to the warmth of the Gryffindor Common Room, or carry on since he'd come this far already.
'Onwards and upwards,' he resolved after a moment's indecision, 'and just try not to think of werewolves.' Almost in spite of himself, he glanced at the moon, then frowned. 'No use thinking about that,' he told himself sternly, 'if Lupin had got out somehow, I'm sure I'd be dead by now. So he hasn't. Which means I should get a move on. Come on Black, you can't stand here like a twit all day.' Pleased to have that resolved, he squared his shoulders, hefted James's cloak over one shoulder, and began moving again, trying not to wonder if anyone had seen him from the school.
He had just managed to cut across towards the gamekeeper's hut, when something rustled in the bushes behind him. Heart pounding, Sirius froze.
'Oh please dear god, don't let it be a teacher. I'm already in enough trouble and I really don't want to be in…'
"Black?" a sneering, disbelieving voice echoed from behind him. Sirius spun around, his expression a mixture of relief and disgust.
"Snape," he hissed, "what on earth are you doing out here at this time of night?"
Snape's face was pale with what – Sirius assumed – was fright, but he was clearly quickly regaining his confidence. He stepped clear of the bushes completely, brushing down his robes with the typical fastidiousness that made him an excellent student of Potions. Sirius sneered at the sight, his heart still hammering painfully in his chest from the fright Snape had given him. His adrenalin, still mixed with a healthy dose of terror, made him less than sympathetic towards his fellow student.
"Well?" he snapped.
"I was…" Snape's dark eyes flickered to one side, "…out collecting several ingredients I need for a potion. They can only be gathered at full moon. And you?" he raised an eyebrow as Sirius glared at him. "You seem in rather a hurry. Off to meet…someone?"
"Implying what, exactly?" Sirius drew himself up to his full height, already beginning to feel the irrational anger that emerged whenever he was around Snape. "Got a problem with a bloke having a walk to get some fresh air, have you?"
"Not at all." Snape smiled nastily. "If that's actually the case. My bet is that you're probably up to something different, however. So like you, Sirius, to be sneaking around. A fine, deceitful wizard you make. But then, lying does run in the family genes, doesn't it? I suppose you can't really be blamed for faults that are hereditary." He smirked as Sirius's expression darkened. "So where are you really off to then? Let's see, shall we? Sneaking around, off to somewhere reasonably remote, no doubt; clearly meeting someone. Ah, I think I'm beginning to see some kind of an answer."
"What the hell are you on about?" Sirius's voice was low; dangerous.
"Well," Snape shrugged elegantly. "You obviously don't want anyone to find out that you're meeting someone, which begs the questions, is it someone that society doesn't approve of?"
"I never said I was meeting anyone!" Sirius took a step forwards but Snape remained where he was, not intimidated.
"No, but one can only assume that this is the case." Snape's smile was a slow, malicious thing. "And I can think of only one person who fits the description of such secrecy. Someone that, should the truth be found out, could suffer tremendously."
"Don't you dare say another word." There was a savageness in Sirius's voice. He knew where this was going – he could see from the way Snape was positively enjoying himself. "I mean it, I don't care what you think, but you even dare to suggest…"
"Lupin," Snape interjected smoothly. "That's who you're going to meet, isn't it? And you don't want anyone to know, in case he gets into trouble. Could cause quite a scandal, couldn't it? The Black heir and some common teacher, found to be having indecent relationships. Of course Professor Lupin would probably be imprisoned, and quite rightly so in my opinion. After all, we wouldn't want to put any other students at risk."
"Shut up!" Sirius's voice was rough. "He's not like that and you bloody well know it!"
"Do I?" Snape spread his hands in a gesture of uncertainty. "I've only got your word for it. But if you're really sure, maybe I can be persuaded to keep quiet about my…concerns. For now."
"You utter bastard!"
"Maybe." Dark eyes glittered maliciously as Snape enjoyed Sirius's discomfort. "But you've got to admit, Black, I know what you two are up to, and unless you do as I say, things could go horribly wrong for you and Lupin."
"And if I refuse to dance to your twisted little tune? If I say you have no proof or that I don't give a damn about what happens to Re– Professor Lupin?"
"Well, you'd be lying, wouldn't you?" The absolute certainty in Snape's voice stopped Sirius in his proverbial tracks. "You clearly care for him, Black; even if you're trying to convince the world and yourself that you don't. So, why don't you be a good little Gryffindor and tell me everything. Tell me all I'll ever need to know about your sordid little affair, and then I'll agree to keep quiet whilst I can still find some use for you."
"I'd hardly tell you anything, even if there was anything to tell," Sirius muttered, but Snape's words had shocked him; made him less certain. Why was the other boy so sure that Sirius gave a damn about what happened to Lupin? Why, when it got right down to it, didn't Sirius just follow Peter's advice and simply turn Lupin in? In that moment, Sirius hated Snape more than he ever had before, because Snape had found Sirius's weakest point and exposed it ruthlessly, showing Sirius himself just how vulnerable he was when it came to Lupin.
"If you don't tell me," Snape said silkily, "I'll go straight to Dumbledore with what I already know. Which is more than enough to condemn the both of you."
"You wouldn't dare." Sirius struggled to regain his confidence. "I'd kill you first."
"I'd like to see you try, Black."
Sirius laughed, hollowly. "I'm sure you would, Snape." He paused, eye caught by something in the distance, outlined against the night sky. "But then again," he continued slowly, "the circumstances if you were found murdered would be, for me, entirely damning."
"Quite," Snape said briskly. "So why don't you just tell me, Black? And we'll start from there."
"Tell you?" Sirius replied calmly, turning suddenly unfathomable eyes on Snape, who shivered, in spite of himself. Black's expression was almost eerily serene, but menace lurked under the calm façade. Sirius Black, Snape was suddenly quite sure, really was mad. Either that or he had been driven past the point of sanity by anger and frustration, one of the two. Either way, Snape didn't feel as confident any more.
"Where were you meant to be meeting Lupin?" he managed.
"In some place hidden." Sirius smiled; a sudden, brilliant, unnerving smile. "So listen carefully, Snape," he said. "I'm going to tell you a secret."
To Be Continued…