Just a little thank you to Shakai, for your endless encouragement, and I promise, Ray is in this chapter! Love you hunny bunny!
Disclaimer: I own nothing, just borrowing for entertainment value!
Rating: M (Just incase, because i don't know how far my little mind can go, as of yet!)
---------------------------------------------
Okay, so I know my profile says that I will never attempt a Luby, but i was led in my very comfortable bed this morning, when this came to me! So i thought 'go on Elissa, give it a whirl!' And i have done. It is completely off the top of my head, but i have ideas as to where i will take it. I will carry on, if people like it, so read and review, i would really like to hear what you think! Hope you enjoy!
Last night was stupid wasn't it? It was. It really was. I had woken up still wrapped in his arms. Thankfully I had realised where I was almost immediately, so I hadn't made any sudden movements that would have woken him. I hadn't thought about how I was going to explain it when morning came. Well it was morning. I had looked at my watch. Five thirty.
Slowly and carefully I had disengaged our bodies and crept off the sofa. If I could get out before he woke up I wouldn't have to explain anything. He wouldn't ever have to know. I quietly put my jacket on and looked around for my black bag. I'd left it in his car, shit! Screw it; I knew he would bring it to work with him. I had to get out of there.
I closed the door quietly behind me, and as soon as I was out of the confines of his apartment, I had allowed myself to breath properly. I ran then. I ran down the stairs, not bothering to wait for the elevator, and I ran all the way to the El station, three streets away. Once safely settled on one of the plastic seats in the train carriage I had let my mind wander.
I could still smell him; he had left his scent on my t-shirt. I felt like a fourteen year old, promising not to wash it ever again because it smelt like him. I had pulled the neck of my shirt up to my nose and held it there breathing in his scent, not caring what I looked like to the other passengers. I was breathless from running, I hadn't combed my hair, and I was wearing clothes that I had slept in, but I didn't care because I could smell him!
Once I had arrived home, I hadn't known what to do with myself. I had stood against the door for a good ten minutes just trying to gain some sort of composure. I went to the bedroom and stripped off my clothes, and, as promised, I had folded up my t-shirt neatly and placed it on my pillow. I took the rest of my clothes and put them in the laundry basket. I would, I had told myself, put the t-shirt for washing tomorrow.
After I had showered and dressed I had tried making some breakfast only to throw it away an hour later. So after two cups of coffee I once again donned my jacket and collected everything I would need to take to work with me. Whilst in the bedroom I had spotted the t-shirt and a sudden wave of frustration washed over me, so I grabbed the shirt and took it into the kitchen where I threw it, firmly, in the trash. A slight over reaction maybe, a simple wash would have sufficed, but I was furious with myself.
I was stood at the admit desk checking over some patient charts when he came in. he smiled and held up my bag indicating to the lounge. I returned his smile, but couldn't coax any other part of my body into moving. When he walked away I let out a sigh and shook my head in despair at myself. Just how much longer could I keep doing this? Ray took it upon himself to startle the life out of me at that moment.
"Geez, Lockhart! You look like hell!" He exclaimed.
"Ray?" I asked.
"Yes?" He had enquired, moving right up close my face.
"Go away!" I told him, turning on my heal and walking off to see my first patient.
She was a little girl who had fallen off her bike and fractured her arm. Most of the shift was spent like this, going backwards and forwards between minor injuries. That changed of course with an hour of my shift to go, when a trauma rolled in.
"Okay, we got a twenty one year old female, two GSW's to the right chest and right leg. B.P'S eighty-five over sixty, pulse is one-twenty." The paramedic had reeled off.
Luka had asked, "What's the pulse ox?"
"Ninety-six on two litres." She told him.
"What is her name?" I asked.
"Laurie."
"Okay Laurie, you're safe now, we will take good care of you." I had tried to reassure her, as her eyes darted around her.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
An hour and forty-five minutes later I was knelt over Laurie, sweaty and worn out, refusing to give up on CPR. I pounded continually on her chest, willing her pulse to return.
"Come on Laurie, come on." I chanted over and over.
"Abby, you have been at that for thirty minutes. It's time to stop." Luka had said.
"Not yet. I told her I would take good care of her. I won't give up yet."
"Abby."
"Luka, No!" I shouted. "Is somebody charging those paddles?"
"Just how long do you intend to go on with this?" He had asked.
"Until I get a pulse." I told him, like he was stupid.
"Abby, call it" He had said, firmly.
"Come on Laurie, Come on." I continued my chant.
"Abby!"
"ALL RIGHT!" I shouted throwing my bloodied hands in the air, as a signal for him to stop. "All right." I said again, quietly this time. "Time of death, twenty-forty five."
I climbed down and removed my gloves and walked towards the door where Luka stood.
"You," I said pushing my gloves into his chest, "Can sort this out." I motioned to the room, and walked through the door, calling behind me as it closed, "I am going home."
I was in the lounge gathering my things out of my locker when Luka had come in.
"I came to apologise." He said.
"It's okay, she was-"
"I don't mean for tonight." He interrupted
"Oh, well, apologise for what then?" I asked
"Last night."
I looked down at my shoes, blushing. "It's okay, I shouldn't have left like that this morning, and I should have stayed to explain."
"What? Explain what?" He asked bewildered. He didn't know, thank God he didn't know. "You stayed to check on me, that was nice of you. I just didn't want you to get freaked out by it."
"Freaked out about what?" Now I was bewildered.
"About how we ended up together like that." He elaborated.
"Oh." He thought that was just how we ended up. Well, fine. Let him believe that. "Oh, no, don't worry about that." I smiled at him, that wasn't your fault. It happens." I told him.
He nodded. "So we're okay then?"
"Mhmm." I said. "Wont be if you don't let me get out of here quick, so I can go home mind!" I joked.
He laughed and stepped aside to let me through the door. "See you tomorrow." He said.
"Yep, see you tomorrow." I smiled, and I headed out of the lounge and out of the ER.
------------------------------------------------------
If last night was such a mistake, then what am I doing here? I am in Luka's bed, and thankfully he is asleep, and hasn't questioned what I am doing. I couldn't have told him if he had asked, I have no idea. This is crazy, and dangerous and stupid. But all these things my common sense is trying to warn me about, are seemingly irrelevant at this moment, because I want to touch him, and stay like this forever and so I ignore both common sense and rationality, and once again, stay there not caring about in the morning.
I don't know what is happening to me. I had gotten home from work and had tried to eat, but again had ended up throwing it away because the thought of food had made me nauseous. I had sat on the sofa for an hour or so flicking backwards and forwards through the television channels, not finding something that would take my mind off the feeling in the pit of my stomach. So I had finally decided to go to bed to try and sleep it off. I took my sweater off and climbed into bed with my t-shirt and sweat pants on.
I lay there tossing and turning in bed for the best part of an hour until I thought the nausea was going to over take my body. I had sat up and swung my legs from under the covers. As soon as I had put any weight on them though, they gave way underneath me. I hit the floor and sat with my back against my bed, and began to cry. The nausea had gotten worse, but now I was shaking too. I had pins and needles in my arms, and I couldn't feel my legs at all. My chest was tightening and I had found it increasingly difficult to breath. I had clutched at my chest, hoping that somehow the futile movement would ease some of the shooting pains, it didn't, and I had panicked more and more. My breathing had become raspier, breathing had become so painful, but I had to just get more air into my lungs, so I panted and panted.
I woke up to find myself propped up against my bed, I must have passed out. Slowly and carefully, I had tried to hoist myself up. I was still shaky, but the shooting pains had ceased so I was at least breathing a little more regularly. Finding my feet, I had carefully made my way through the apartment; I put my sweater back on, and found my jacket and put that on too. I didn't think about where I was going or what I would do once I got there but I just had to get out. So I had grabbed my keys and shut my door behind me.
I had taken the El, and found myself outside his building. I didn't remember the walk there; I was too busy trying to work out a rational explanation for what had caused me to pass out like I had. I didn't even consider not going in to his building, and I took the stairs, faster than was probably wise considering I was still trying to compose myself, again, I was too antsy to wait for the elevator.
I knocked on his door and heard shuffling behind; I quickly checked my watch, just gone eleven, not too late then. He had opened the door and his face had dropped.
"Shit, Abby, what the hell happened." He asked concerned.
"I don't know." I told him, then I couldn't keep it in and I had tried to explain. "I went to bed and I couldn't sleep, and I felt really sick, like in the pit of my stomach, but when I stood up my legs gave way, and I couldn't feel my hands, and I couldn't get up, and I couldn't breath-" I spilled all this, getting more and more worked up.
He put his hands on my shoulders to stop me. "Shhh. Abby it's okay. Shhh." And he steered me into his apartment.
"I think I must have passed out, because I woke up on the floor next to my bed." I had told him, willing myself to stay calm and not cry.
"Okay." He nodded, and he came over to the couch with a glass of water. "Here have a drink. Have you eaten today?"
I shook my head, lowering my eyes, I knew what was coming.
"Abby!" He exclaimed.
"I know Luka, I know!" I had cried. "And I did try, twice!" I told him, feeling like a child. "I just felt really, really sick."
"Okay." He had said, trying to calm me down. "I'm going to make you something," I tried to protest. "And you will eat it."
I stood up and followed him into the kitchen, glass of water in hand. "Luka. I'm sorry." I almost whispered. "I just didn't know what else to do."
He turned away from his cooking and looked at me, "Don't worry about that. I'm glad you came here, at least this way I can keep an eye on you." He smiled and I smiled back. "Seems to me you had a panic attack, which wasn't helped by the fact that you haven't eaten anything all day."
I had just nodded, accepting my scalding like a good girl. "What are you making?" I asked pulling a face.
"Just soup. Nothing too heavy."
"Please can I take something for my headache?" I had asked, again feeling like a child.
"There is Tylenol in the bathroom cabinet. Help yourself." So I did do.
The soup really wasn't all that bad, and I managed to keep it all down. We ate in silence. Well I ate in silence, he looked on in silence.
"You want to stay here tonight?" he had asked, breaking my reverie.
"Yes please. If you don't mind." I looked anywhere but him at that moment.
"If I minded I wouldn't have offered." He stated as he took my bowl into the kitchen. "You can take my bed; I'll sleep on the sofa."
"No. That's ok; I'd rather sleep on the sofa." I said.
"Okay. You sure?" He had asked. I nodded. "I'll just get the stuff." And he had walked away in search of blankets and a pillow.
He came back and made up his sofa for me, even though I had insisted I could do it myself.
"I'll leave you to it now then." He had said, once sure that I had enough of everything to be comfortable.
"Thank you." I said.
"Don't worry about it. Goodnight."
"Night Luka." With that he was gone.
I had again tossed and turned for a while, although the panic in my stomach had subsided, I had managed to return to thinking the stupidest things about the man asleep in his bed, in this very apartment. I slid off the sofa, and crept to Luka's room. I stood at the door for a minute making sure he wasn't awake. I had then slowly crept over to the side of the bed that he wasn't occupying. I pulled back the comforter, and slid in next to him.
So here I am, in Luka's bed. He doesn't know, but he will soon enough. I will cross that bridge when I get to it. I'm still resisting the urge to touch him, or move in closer. Probably best to keep our bodies separate this time. I'll just take comfort in the fact that he is here next to me, and I am in his bed. His bed clothes have me wrapped safely in his vicinity. That is enough for me.
