Just a little thank you to Shakai, for your endless encouragement! And also thanks to Laura N, because I know you are going to be the first to read this, and your encouragement, well you have no idea! Thank you too!

Thanks to my reviewers, Luby Smarty DnA, dynamitedawn, hee, Tatts, ginie, your reviews have given me the incentive to continue, especially with this chapter because this one was very difficult to write and i was on teh verge of giving up. So thanks.

Ella, thanks to you too, for your encouragement. Your reviews have been ace!

-------------------------------------------------

Disclaimer: I own nothing, just borrowing for entertainment value!

Rating: M (Just incase, because i don't know how far my little mind can go, as of yet!)

---------------------------------------------

Okay, so I know my profile says that I will never attempt a Luby, but i was led in my very comfortable bed this morning, when this came to me! So i thought 'go on Elissa, give it a whirl!' And i have done. It is completely off the top of my head, but i have ideas as to where i will take it. I will carry on, if people like it, so read and review, i would really like to hear what you think! Hope you enjoy!

---------------------------------------------

Just a little note on my previous comment on the difficulty writing this chapter. It was very hard and I don't feel it is as good as the others, however I know that the next chapter is going to be even more difficult to write! These chapters 5 and 6 are the transition chapters to the main block of story from the beggining, and where basically a means of the readers knowing what each character is going through. So i'm sorry if anybody si dissapointed, but i hope you enjoy it all the same, and I will continue as soon as i possibly can, bearing in mind that i am right in the middle of my exams, and simply putting off studying, which i am really bad at!


It has been two weeks since I came to Luka's bed the first time, and tonight I have come again. I know this isn't normal, and I know I shouldn't be doing this, not to me and not to him, but I can't stop. He knows as well as I do that if asked, I will always say I'm fine, to the whole world I will be fine, but secretly I think I'm loosing my mind.

He hasn't asked me; so far he hasn't mentioned anything. I'm not sure if he is waiting for me to bring it up, or just trusting that these are things better left unsaid. I couldn't talk to him about it, and I know that is wrong. Everything I am doing is wrong, but it hurts too much to think about, so I don't, I just carry out my actions, and damn the consequences, at least for as long as possible.

------------------------------------------------------

After that first night, I had woken up in his bed luckily an hour before his alarm was due to go off. I hadn't wanted to wake him, and had hoped that if like last time, he had slept right through the night that I could get away before he realised anything. So I crawled out of his bed and out of his room, as quietly as possible.

I had pulled on my jacket, and found my keys, and had thought that I had better leave the place tidy for him, so I had folded the blankets and put them on the arm of the sofa on top of the pillow he had lent me for the night. After inspecting the lounge quickly I had decided that I had better not make it look like I had snuck out on him again, and scribbled him a quick note…

Luka,

Had to run, I needed to get ready for work and I didn't want to wake you. Thanks for the sofa. A.

I had even given serious thought as to whether or not I should put a kiss on the end, then had deemed myself ridiculous and once again had told myself to get a grip. After leaving the note on top of the pile of bedding I had left his apartment in a similar manner to the last time, only this time I didn't run.

Once home, I had once again showered and changed. I had to go into my bedroom to pick out some clean clothing, and on entering had felt the familiar wave of nausea over take me. I hadn't a clue what was going on, all I knew was that I had to get out of there as soon as possible, and spend as little time in there as possible.

I had had every intention of going home and making myself some breakfast and eating it, however after my new wave of nausea I once again couldn't face breakfast, so I had promised myself that once this passed I would get something on my break.

The work day was fairly similar to the one that had gone before it, I had been told by Ray that the night shift had apparently been hectic, but I was relishing in the fact that the people of Chicago had decided to take a day off from getting themselves involved in accidents. One or two minor patients I could handle, I was just in no mood to have to try and think critically in a trauma situation. I hadn't had any traumas, and was feeling really quite good about getting home relatively early, then one of my minor patients coded and my day fell in tiny pieces around my head.

"Abby!" I heard Chuny call my name, so stopped and turned. "Abby," She panted when she caught me up, "Your patient in three just coded."

"What?" I had exclaimed. "He was fine just a minute ago, he was talking to me."

"Well, he sure aint talking now." She said to me pointedly. "You had better get back in there, Kovac is trying to stabilise him."

"Shit!" I had said, to no one in particular.

I had made my way inside and found Luka putting in an ET tube. He looked up at me when he got the tube in and said to the room. "Okay I'm in." Never taking his eyes off me.

"Pratt can you handle this from here? I'll be back in minute."

"Sure thing." Pratt told him

I had watched him make his way across the room to me, and then had felt him take my arm, and lead me out.

"I should go in there and…"

"No you don't." He told me.

He took me to the lounge and had poured himself a coffee, after I declined.

"What happened?"

"I don't know."

"Abby?"

"I mean it, I don't know. He was talking to me just a minute ago."

"Did you send off for a glucose level?"

"Yes."

"CBC?"

"Yes."

He had decided to not waste any more time on asking me questions and just shook his head at me.

"Okay. Go home, get some rest."

I hadn't even responded, I had just stood up and walked out of the lounge and out of the ER.

I had needed a drink so badly that night. I hadn't really needed a drink in quite some time; Luka had said to me, the night I found him in a bar, "You must really miss it." Truthfully most days I didn't, and when people said things like that to me, it only made me feel proud of myself because I didn't. That night though, God I didn't just miss it, I craved it.

I had walked home, didn't even bother with the El train. Possibly a very stupid move, but at that time, my usually cautious self gave way to a reckless soul that had too much on her mind. I had passed a store and had turned back, thinking that maybe a bottle of gin was just what I needed. I stayed outside the door for a good ten minutes and had eventually decided that a relapse wouldn't help my cause much, so I had continued on my way home.

Once home, I had had a shower and I had gone to my bedroom to get myself changed, and had looked around at the place and had known that I couldn't even try sleeping in there, I hated the décor, it made me feel physically sick, the smell of the furniture made me wretch. It had been a swift decision, and I had made it in that instant. I had gone and pulled out all of my drawers out of the chest, and had taken each one out into the living room, emptying each drawer onto it's respective pile that I had created on the sofa.

After I had finished with the drawers, I had started the task of emptying my wardrobe. This had presented more of a problem though, since I hadn't anywhere to hang my clothes in my apartment, other than that wardrobe, so I had decided to lay stuff carefully on the dining table, so that it wouldn't crease things too much. Everything else, I had decided I could manage by nipping in and out of my bedroom to get when needed, so long as I didn't have to worry about getting dressed in there.

I had stood back and surveyed the chaos that had ensued throughout my apartment in the hour I had been home. At the time I had two things hit me all at once, firstly, I wasn't dressed and I had done all this in my underwear. Secondly, where was I going to sleep? I had just filled the sofa with my belongings. I had known where I would sleep, and so I had chosen a pair of slacks, a tank, and a sweater from their piles with flourish, as I smiled at how effectively my new system was working, and had dressed. Then I had found my keys and jacket, and once again, I had set off on my journey to Luka's.

When I had arrived he hadn't acted surprised to see me, and he had let me in and we bantered about this and that, nothing in particular. He had offered me pizza that was sat on the coffee table, and since I hadn't eaten I had accepted, and we had sat and eaten and watched television like the two old friends that we were. He smelled so good though. He had recently showered and because of our close proximity I could smell his shower gel and his deodorant. I had almost reached over to him, but as I made the decision to move he had stood up to take the plates into the kitchen.

That I had known was my signal to keep my thoughts to myself. He didn't feel the same, so I hadn't to be stupid. Why would he want me? I had thought as I sat there listening to him do the dishes. Why would he want plain, self destructive me when just a few months ago he had had young, sexy Sam?

"You okay?" He had asked when he finished the dishes.

"Yeh." I had told him. "Just tired.

"Yeh, I'm tired too. Long day." He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Well, I guess goodnight then, if you're okay to sort this lot out yourself." He had said motioning to the bedding that he hadn't shifted since last night.

"Yeh, I'll be fine. Night." I had smiled, making to move for the bedding as he walked away to his bedroom.

I had taken off my sweater and put it on the floor next to the sofa, I had climbed on the sofa, and had tried in vain to get myself comfortable, but it didn't seem to be working in my favour. I had being saying the same thing to myself for an hour since he had gone to bed. 'Stay here Abby, don't be stupid.' 'Stay here Abby; don't make a fool of yourself.' Chanting things to myself, willing myself to be a bigger person than the one I was behaving like. After about an hour and a half though my body won the battle over my mind and I had clambered out of the covers and made my way to his bedroom again.

-------------------------------------------------

The next two weeks followed a similar pattern to this. I would get up earlier than him, fold the bedding and leave him a note. I would go home, shower get dressed and go to work. Luka and I interacted at work like we always had. We worked well together and chatted in-between patients, laughing and being good friends.

Nothing was ever mentioned about the evenings, he came to expect me about an hour after my shift finished, and if we worked different shifts I stayed in the lounge on the sofa. If asked I was always checking on a patient.

I would always go home first. I used to get on the El, and go from the stop to the store, purchase a bottle of my desired spirit of the evening and then take it home with me. I never drank though. The urge was there, I needed it so much, but I knew that if I had a drink and then went to Luka it would change things, he would be more inclined to say something, to stop me, and I couldn't deal with that, at least not now. I was also very aware that if I started drinking I wouldn't stop, not for work or anything, and I couldn't afford to loose my job. If I couldn't go to work I would have to spend day on end in my apartment, and that was enough to make me not drink. So I would get home, have a shower, get changed, take the newest spirit bottle purchased, open it, smell it for as close to Dutch courage as I could get, put it in the cupboard I had designated as 'bar', and then I would make my way to Luka's.

Once there, each time followed a routine as well. We would eat, watch television for a little while, bid each other goodnight, he would go to bed, I stayed on the sofa, and then after a while I would go to his bed and sleep next to him.

For the first few nights I was sure he didn't know because I was always up earlier than he was. However after about a week of this little way of living, I had woken up to find him not there, he had gone to the bathroom and when he came back we very definitely looked each other in the eyes as he climbed back into his bed. No words where exchanged and I thanked God for that, and so it continued.

--------------------------------------------------

Today I had gone home in the morning and had just been about to leave for work when I had gotten a call. I had thought about leaving it for the machine but I knew that I wasn't going to be in any fit state to check my messages once I got home this evening as I would be dying to get out of the place.

"Hello?"

"Abby? It's Susan."

"Susan? Wow, hey!"

"Hi. How are you?"

"Erm…yeh good, thanks. How are you? How's the job?"

"Well, I'm fine, the job is fine."

"Yeh? Good. How are Cosmo and Chuck?"

"Fine. Actually that is why I was calling."

"Go on."

"Well I have a couple of days off coming up, and Chuck wanted me to get away for a while. You know, time to myself…"

"Okay…"

"Well I was thinking about it and I really don't have anywhere I'd particularly like to go on my own, so I was kind of wondering if you would put me up for a couple of days, if I came to visit…"

I had looked around at the piles of my belongings covering what seemed like every crevice of my Apartment.

"Yeh no problem. It will be nice to see you."

"Really? You wouldn't mind?"

"No. Of course I wouldn't mind."

"Okay! Great! Well I am coming in a week today if that's okay."

"That's fine. I'll look forward to seeing you. And if you call me with your flight details I will pick you up."

"Oh that's fantastic Abby, thank you so much."

"Don't worry about it. Honestly, it will be really good to see you."

"Okay then. Well I guess I'll call you in a couple of days."

"Okay. Sure."

"Bye then."

"See you."

I had put the phone back in its cradle and made my way to work. There I had seen Luka and told him about Susan's call. He seemed pleased about it and I was I think. It didn't change anything though. Tonight followed the same pattern as all the others. I had gotten off the El and gone to the store, tonight picking out a bottle of Tequila to keep one bottle of Gin, two bottles of Vodka, three bottles of Southern Comfort Whisky, and another seven bottles of Tequila company.

After I had showered and changed I did what I did every night and opened the bottle took a couple of good sniffs and replaced the top and put it in its rightful place as bottle number fourteen. Then I went to Luka's.

-------------------------------------------------

I really have no clue as to how I got here. How did I get myself in this mess? Maybe he wonders the same thing. Maybe he doesn't care. I think he hates me, what is scarier than that is that I don't blame him. I don't even know what he is thinking, what my actions are doing to him. If I think about it too much though, if I fight this, I know the result won't be pretty. Would it be better than this though?

It's particularly dark in his bedroom tonight. It scares me sometimes, the dark, especially in his bedroom, because I know he is laying next to me, but it's not like he is my protector, it's not like in my moment of fright I can curl up and wrap myself in his arms, because I am not supposed to be here.