Disclaimer: No money is being made or received for this work in her playground of characters.

Author's Note -- if you have been wondering if there would EVER be a chance for some fun with the professors... keep reading...

Chapter 19 - NC-17 -- Thoughts of the one and only Sirius Black

The end of the first week of school drew to a close; found Rowan sitting in her common room watching the fire. She was thinking of Sirius and Remus; the times she now remembered fondly. She really had loved him. She also found herself lost in thought that Mason and Madison would need to be told the truth soon. A knock on her door pulled her out of the thoughts of her children.

"Come in," she said. The door opened to reveal Remus Lupin. He walked toward her, arms tucked around a package. "Would you like something to drink?"

"Only if it's strong and won't hurt tomorrow," he said. While she rose to fix him a glass of something strong, he sat in the chair opposite hers. When she returned, he noticed that she had brought the bottle as well. "Jack Daniels? This stuff makes for one amazingly long day after."

"Only if you drink enough," she raised her small glass to him as they drank for a moment in silence, "so what brings you here?"

"I, uh… uhm... have found something… that… I think you should see." With trembling hands, he held the package out to her. She took it and looked into her friend's eyes.

Opening it slowly, she found a framed silver picture of Sirius Black between.., her two children. Her eyes left the picture for a moment. "How?" She was dumfounded. Mason was holding drumsticks and Madison was holding a flag. It had to have been her freshman year; two years ago. "How?" she repeated.

"There's a letter inside. It is sealed, Rowan, I did not read it. But there are other pictures too: one when Madison was just a bit younger, playing basketball and volleyball and when Mason was playing drums when he was younger too." His words were careful. "I found them when I went to Grimmauld Place earlier this week."

"Grimmauld Place? God, I haven't thought of that hell hole once this summer. Can we burn it down?" she laughed, but the laughter did not travel to her eyes. She was almost serious about the question.

"No, Albus uses it for the headquarters' of the Order of the Phoenix. Sirius left it to Harry in his will." She nodded absently as she looked through the pictures without frames. The time period was short, maybe a year or two at the most. Her face turned to her friend hoping for an explanation. "Read the letter." Was this all to be all she got from him?

She slowly opened the parchment. There in Sirius' messy handwriting were words from his soul. She read it aloud for Remus to hear.

Dearest Rowan,

If you are reading this, then two things have happened, one I am dead, and two you have returned to England and chosen to remember me and our life together. I can only hope I am not dead because of the second decision.

She laughed.

Remus and I talked about you after I escaped from Azkaban. He told me of your decision to leave; I did not blame you when he explained what had happened with my mother, the old bat. He could not or would not tell me where you were or where you had taken our children. I felt I knew you well enough to know that you had returned to Texas. Because I was on the run anyway, and Harry was being watched close by Albus and the Order, I made the decision to find you. Mooney warned me repeatedly about this decision. He begged me to reconsider.

But of course, when had I ever listened to him when it didn't suit me? I went to Texas in June of that year. Madison was shooting baskets on that horrible goal you have in front of your parent's home. Mason and his friends were playing some terrible version of what he called music. I sat in your neighbor's yard watching in my Snuffles form as she made goal after goal. She was so much fun to watch.

I watched as long as I could, before approaching her. I am sorry if I scared her. She missed the goal when I startled her. I ran after the ball and using my talented nose, returned the ball to her. She laughed. Her laughter was like yours used to be; full and complete. She played with me for a little bit, and then finally, Mason and his friends walked around the house. He was covered in sweat, carrying his sticks. I used to wonder if Jeff would have him playing drums if he had the chance; now I know for sure.

Mason's friends left as he approached Madison. She told him, rather animatedly, about the dog (ME!) and he gave her a hard time. I lay on the warm concrete and waited for them to talk to me instead of about me. Their voices were harmonious. Although, I admit I was not exactly biased. They played with me for a bit longer before Mason went into the house. When he returned a few minutes later, he brought her out a bottle of water and a large bowl of water for me. We sat on the front porch of your mother's home and they both petted me. I cannot tell you how much I never wanted to return to England at that moment. I wanted to stay and never leave them. Even the cat Yo-Han, came to them and lay with me. I licked him once. He never moved, typical cat, reminds me of Crookshanks.

She paused at this point, looking to Remus with the look of a blinding light bulb over her head. "That… oh man… I can't believe…" she sputtered, "It wasn't a dream!" Remus looked at her with a question, but said nothing, "He… Mason and Madison left one weekend for a mission trip. She begged me to keep her dog. I told her to give her the flea bitten thing a bath. She made me promise to let him stay inside because I would be alone that weekend."

She paused, a look of fury mingled with amusement. "I agreed, but she didn't give him a bath. When I saw him scratching, I took him into the bathroom and gave him a very careful bath. It took like an hour to finish. When he was finally flea free, I dried him with a hair dryer. He loved it. Of course, then I had to take a shower, and the damned dog walked over, closed the toilet seat and jumped up on it to watch me. It was unnerving." Remus laughed out loud, with the image of Snuffles watching her shower.

"After I got dressed; I asked him if he was hungry, and we went to get a burger. He ate all of his and part of mine too. We went to bed that night, he wouldn't get off the bed. I told him that he could lie there, but he had to stay on the other end," she laughed, "he looked very sad, but obeyed. That night, I dreamt of Sirius. I felt him. God above, I have only had one other dream that real, and that was when you were staying at the house when Mason was a baby."

He had an uncomfortable but shocked look cross his face, but said nothing. "Anyway, that night, my dreams were amazing. The next morning, there was the dog at the end of the bed. I napped that afternoon, and had the same dream. Sirius was so real. Now I know it WAS him." She shook her head and laughed through tears, "Only Sirius Black would sneak into his wife's bedroom, get a bath out of it, and have sex with me while I was asleep." When she composed herself once again, she looked back to the letter. Taking a deep breath, she continued Sirius' words.

I returned every day for a week to see them. I think Madison actually expected me. One day, a man in a truck pulled up in front of your house though. He got out and walked to her. I stood between her and him and growled. She swatted my head and told me that she hoped he would be her daddy. She introduced us and in the perfect dog form, I stopped growling, but only because I was crying as he took her in his arms and I listened to her tell him about her week and about the games that she would play that summer. God, Rowan, couldn't you have taken Remus over there instead of that idiot? Come on, couldn't you have found someone that I liked at least? He was a miserable… never mind… what's done is done.

I returned to England that day; seeing Mason hug that man was too much for my broken soul to take. It further crumbled when I caught a fleeting glimpse of you that week. Madison said that you were working and going to school.

Keeping an eye on Harry when I was here, after all, it was still my job to be sure he was okay. There was a lot going on that year. He had been chosen for the Tri-Wizard Tournament. But since I was still a wanted man, I could not exactly go to the school for a visit. We arranged our time very carefully. Between those visits, I returned to Texas. Dumbledore did not discourage me, but asked that I be extremely careful and not discuss my visits with anyone, as I was supposed to be in Grimmauld Place.

During that year, I saw Madison play basketball and volleyball. I watched you walk into the gym, quite alone, each game. You sat alone or with friends. I never saw the idiot she hugged that day. I sincerely hope by the time you read this that you have ditched him. He was a GIT, Rowan. As in GET rid of him!

I know that I looked different that when we last saw one another. I did bathe before I went to the games, and dressed as Muggle casual as I could. At first, I wasn't sure you had seen me. But I have to believe that you could feel me. I swear I could hear your heart beat faster when you looked at me. Maybe it was the desires of a crazy man, from too many years in Azkaban. I watched our baby girl make great plays and how much better she played when you finally got there. If you missed a game that year, I don't know about it. You are a great mom, Rowan. Thank you for rearing them so well.

It was that summer that Madison and Mason left for the weekend and made you promise to let me stay with you. I can only hope that your 'dreams' have shown you our love.

When school started, I was able to talk to Harry more. We wrote many letters that year and I was able to sneak in and see him compete in Quiddich. He was in danger that year, no doubt about it.

But every Friday morning, I was at the pep rallies. Every Friday night, I was at the Little Town Football Games. I watched our son play in the band. I was so proud of him. His abilities were showing through. Even with his magic bound, he was magical. I was at every competition. I never saw the idiot there. (Am I harping about him?) Anyway, you were, and much to my delight, you never sat with a man.

Part of me wants you to go on with your life, part of me is content knowing that even though you don't remember me specifically, or what we had, it was so right that you haven't been able to duplicate it and refuse to be with someone less. I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to meet you but I had obligations to Harry and he needed me too. After the last competition, I saw Madison waiting for Mason. I talked to her for a bit. She assumed I was the parent of one of her friends as she had seen me at her games. She laughingly asked if I was stalking her or her mom. "Neither" I replied, enjoying the honesty in her. Mason joined us and I got to compliment him on his music skills. He invited me to the talent show that year. It would be Monday night and then I could really see him.

I, of course, agreed to be there. Mason was just a 4th year, I think you called him a freshman. Anyway, he was called to the front and put on a show. He and an older kid were dueling drums; his hands were moving so fast, it was hard to watch. Madison sat next to me and told me that Mason was going to outplay the other guy, who was the Senior Drum Captain. You were standing just off stage. I caught sight of you a few times as you watched our son perform. The cadence that they played was amazing; Madison told me that Mason had written it when he was in 8th grade (third year?). When they finished, at first, no one clapped. They seemed to be stunned. Then this huge guy on the front row stood up and started yelling his name while clapping. The other kids joined him and everyone stood and applauded.

I could not stand or clap. I could and did cry like a child at the pride I held for our son. Madison patted me on the back before running to the stage to hug her brother. I think I may have scared her. I am sorry for that.

So, that's how I got the pictures. I took the time to do it. I was a small part of their lives. Insignificant in the big picture, but for me, it was the fulfillment of a dream. You are a great mom. I could not beg to find another woman to have had and reared my children.

I have left one-third of everything to Harry and Remus. Honestly, I have seen the Cowan vault; you don't need the Black one too. But there are things inside which I had transferred to yours before I wrote this letter. You will find them when the time is right. Until then…

I am sorry Rowan. Sorry that you had to do it alone, for the tears I caused you. Sorry that my family was the reason you turned your back on your magic and friends. I'm sorry that my insane mother found you and I was not there to protect you. I beg for your forgiveness. I never stopped loving you. I just did not deal with James and Lily's deaths very well. I see that now. I actually saw it then. But I just did not realize then what true cost it would have.

If it helps, I think you made the right choice to leave England. I think you taking them so far away from this world may have saved their very souls.

I will always love you,

Sirius

P.S. Should you choose not to tell them about me, please know that I understand. They have gone this long without knowing me. Perhaps it is better that I don't enter their lives when I am already gone.

P.S.S. Thanks for the bath…

She began to cry around the third paragraph. She didn't stop until long after she had finished the letter and Remus came to hold her. She held on to her old friend without the ability to say anything. When the tears finally stopped, he pulled back a bit. "Better?"

"No," she blew her nose, "I am not better damn it. I will never be better remembering him. Now I know he was with me for a few nights and I want to hate him for leaving me again. I know why I had my powers bound in the first place. I know why I wanted those memories to go away. It was so much easier thinking he was dead. Now I have these memories, and he's not here. I can't deal with this." She stood and left the room.

He listened to her cries before following her; he owed his friend to be there for her. He knew she was strong, but also felt the hole in his heart as well. "Rowan, can I come in?" She did not answer so he pushed the door open just a bit and saw her lying on her bed, curled up like a child, her body still racked with grief. He walked to her. She could feel the bed move as he sat behind her. "I do understand if it helps," he reached for her shoulder, "I miss him so much sometimes. He and I were close in school, but the two years after he escaped seemed to be the turning point for us. Our friendship grew stronger when he trusted me." She turned to look at the man speaking.

"Rowan, since we are remembering… I have to know if you remember that…night at the end of seventh year, in the hallway? Me against the wall, Sirius pushing you back against me?" She nodded and blushed. "I can too. To this day, I can remember the smell of your hair. I can still hear your breath as you tried to catch it. Sirius wanted to be with you, but he wasn't a virgin. Did you know?"

She nodded as he continued, "He knew you were, and I was too. He just couldn't take yours without sharing my loss as well. He was so sure you loved him enough to share you with me, just that once. But when it was over, and you walked to your dorm; I just stood there. I don't think that other than sliding down the wall I moved for hours. Luckily James was on patrol that night. He helped me back to the tower before anyone missed us. Sirius never told James about that night. It was probably the only secret they did not share." She nodded.

"The reason I brought that up was because we talked about that night, sitting in his mother's place. We talked about you constantly. At first, he didn't want to think about the fact that he had two children that he did not know. I had no information for him. I didn't know where you were or if you wanted to know he was out. He always knew you were strong enough to deal with anything that came up. It was after that conversation though, that he decided to meet them. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about it sooner." He did not mention her reference to the dream they had shared when her son was sick. He knew he would have to at some point, but for now, he let it go.

"I love him Remus. I only loved one other the way I love him." He looked at her for a moment before understanding. He gave her a sly grin at the admission.

He hugged her. "I know; I feel the same way, and I love you too. I am so glad you came home again." When she stopped crying, he kissed her.

The passion she felt for her dead husband and his best friend overwhelmed her. She did not want him to stop. She wanted to feel something, anything.

Remus pulled back when he felt her hands fumbling with the buttons on his shirt, "I can't do this...the full moon is tomorrow... I get a bit... uhm... over-eager this close... to the transformation..."

She looked into his eyes and nodded, before kissing him again. He pulled away for a moment as though to catch his breath. "Rowan, you don't seem to understand... my anatomy... is closer to that of a wolf than a man just now." She raised an eyebrow but did not interupt him with words, instead, her hand found a button on his shirt and after opening it, she put her hand on his chest, sliding until it reached a dark nipple. She tweaked the hard nub and smirked at him.

Drawing a deep breath, he put his hand on her wrist to stop her. "Rowan, listen to me. I want you. I can smell your desire from here, but you must understand that tomorrow, you will be hurt, physically."

"I don't care. I want to feel you inside of me. Please give this to me..." She pulled her hand from his shirt and rolled until he was on his back and she was straddling him. Leaning down, she kissed his lips. He shuddered. She traced his jawline with her tongue. He groaned. She kissed the tip of his collarbone. He moaned. She opened the top button and kissed the exposed skin. His cock began to throb.

She opened each button in succession, revealing scarred pale skin. His hearbeat increased. She took one nipple into her mouth, sucking and chewing as he fought control. First one then the other as her hands continued their journey.

When his shirt was completely open, he raised and she pushed the offending fabric over his shoulders. His eyes dialated as she pushed him back to lay flat on her bed. Reaching for the hem of her pajama shirt, she slowly, tantalizingly raised it. Her soft belly showing, then revealing her navel. Then he caught the first glimpse of her large breasts. His breath caught in his throat as the first glimpse was replaced by the round full twin orbs, then the hard nipples as her shirt came over her head.

Her arms were still above her head when he could take no more. He raised up and took the objects of his desire roughly in his hands, bringing the two nipples together to touch before sucking them both into his mouth at the same time. She cast the shirt across the room before wrapping her hands in the hair of her husband's best friend to pull him closer and encourage him to suck harder.

When he finally pulled back, her breasts had twin hand prints on them. He had not broken the skin, but each nipple stood out with a rigid point. The usual brown now purple with the beginning of bruises. She gasped as she ran her fingers across the now tender nubs.

She looked down into the dialated eyes of her soon to be lover. Reaching again to his face, she kissed him with the passion she felt for him before pulling away and standing on the bed. She turned away from him, placing her feet carefully apart and pulled her pajama bottoms over the white globes of her ass. Bending at the waist as she revealed her hairless, swollen wetness, she heard him gasp. She felt the bed shift as he reached a single finger to slide between her lips. She paused as he pushed his finger deeper inside of her. When he withdrew it, she finished taking her pants off. When the offending material was thrown against the door, it was with such force that it opened slightly.

She turned and was standing over Remus watching him suck his finger clean of her taste. She knelt in front of him and unbuckled his belt. Leaving his tented boxers on, she pulled his pants until he raised his hips and released his hold on them. Once those were, again, thrown against the door, opening it still a bit further, she turned her attention to the wetness growing at the tip of the large hard cock still concealed.

He watched her as she looked hungrily at his cock. As she reached for the waistband, he grabbed her wrist. He was on the edge of no return. He fought for control of his words, wanting to give her a way out if possible. "Rowan, you need to know that, like a wolf, this close to the transformation, it isn't like a human cock anymore. There is a ring of barbed flesh that will only stop swelling once I cum inside of you..."

She licked her lips and waited for him to finish. When he said nothing else, he released her wrist and allowed her to carefully pull the material away from the most magnificent cock she had ever seen.

At this stage, it must have been ten to eleven inches long. The foreskin in place. Her fingers would not touch when she circled the shaft. She sighed for a moment as it stood straight away from his body. When she was finally able to get the underwear off, she licked her lips in anticipation before leaning down and licking the entire length of his cock. Near the halfway point of the shaft was the 'barbed' flesh he had warned her about.

When he felt her tongue circling the thick flesh he groaned, knowing that he would soon have to fuck her or die. He did not care at that moment which happened first. She was able to take the head of his cock into her mouth, but not much more. Her hands stroking the flesh.

He could take no more. Her scent was making his senses crazy. Grabbing her hair, he pulled her off his cock. She gasped at the force, before finding herself flat on her back and his knees pushing hers apart.

He did not kiss her. He did not take time to be sure she was ready. He picked up the back of her knees and brought them up and apart, revealing a scent that was the reason for his desire. It overwhelmed him. She took hold of her own legs and pulled them as far up and apart as she could manage as he watched. His hand found his cock and directed it to her entrance.

He pushed in deep and hard before pulling out as far as his flesh would allow. His face screwed in concentration as the wolf took over. Very soon, he flipped her to all fours, growling in her ear that she was his bitch and she should learn to take this as he would be giving it to her. She gasp her approval and begged him to take her as he wanted.

As she shuddered through her third orgasm, he slammed into her, finally releasing his seed deep inside of her with a loud growl. Over and over, Remus pumped his cock inside of her before he was soft enough to pull out. They collapsed in the night air, the sents of their mating hung in the room. Sleep came easy this night for both of the exhausted lovers.

As they completed their mating, neither heard the growl from just outside her bedroom door of the Potions Master, who had come in and witnessed most of their spectacle. It had not taken him long to be hard and stroking his own cock as he heard the words that Lupin said to his lover. After he came and put his spent cock back into his pants, he resolved to make this duo a trio as soon as humanly possible.