Two – Sunlight and Pagers

Meredith was stealing a break. Well, technically she was, but a heavy textbook was still in her grasp and a steaming cup of coffee was held in her free hand. Taking refuge in the library, she figured she'd have at least half an hour to herself before she was due in surgery and this seemed the perfect time for her to do some research. Sitting on the floor with her back to the radiator for a little warmth, the soft sunlight illuminated the almost deserted room as she read, occasionally taking a sip of the strong, sweet coffee. "Hmm, landmarks for aneurysm clipping… Coronal suture… Zygoma… Orbital ridge…" Meredith read aloud, she knew this stuff already, but brushing up on things didn't hurt did it? She wanted to be prepared for the surgery with Derek, constantly yearning to prove herself, and get his attention. Although the latter was done subconsciously, and she could never shake off the habit.

"Y'know talking to yourself is usually the first sign of insanity." A familiar voice made Meredith jump up from her reading. She looked up to find Derek standing before her, leaning casually on one of the bookshelves with a smile on his face. "Hey."

"Hey. And you know very well life as an intern sent me to the brink of insanity long before now!" She joked. Her mind started racing for the second time in the day. His eyes seem even bluer in that sunlight. Derek moved from where he was standing and went to sit beside Meredith, back resting on the radiator just like hers. Their arms brushed and she felt that all to familiar electricity travel through their bodies. Meredith knew he could feel it too but as usual, they both just let it go. It was just easier that way. "So what are you doing here?" Meredith asked, knowing that Derek rarely visited the library.

"Well, when I couldn't find you anywhere, I thought I'd come and see if you were here. I was right."

"You were looking for me?"

"Yeah. We haven't spoken since… I can't remember when. I miss talking to you."

"Me too." Meredith placed the heavy textbook on the floor.

"So how's Doc? You saw him last night right? You like the vet that I got him? He's supposed to be one of the best, and we will only have the best for our dog y'know." Meredith looked away from Derek, trying to contain a rosy blush that was blooming on her cheeks. How she wished she hadn't discarded the textbook so early into the conversation. Yes, she liked the vet Derek had chosen. Perhaps too much. Then she felt the guilty feelings rising once again. Look, she thought to herself, Derek's married, he may have loved you, but it wasn't like he'd said it, and you don't love him anymore anyway. If she kept thinking that maybe it would come true.

"Our dog?" Meredith said the first intelligible thing that has popped into her head.

"Well he is both ours isn't he?"

"I guess so. He does actually live with you though."

"But Meredith, he loves you." Derek said, looking straight into Meredith's eyes. His words conveyed a deeper meaning and they both knew it. On cue Derek's pager suddenly started vibrating between Derek and Meredith's touching thighs. "Addison," he muttered. Meredith cringed when she heard him say her name, but this knocked her back to reality from the deep blue sea she was swimming in. "Mer, I'll see you in theatre."

"Yeah, seeya." Derek touched her thigh as he got up, sending a shiver right down her spine. As she watched him leave he library, she tried to make sense of the mixed feelings that were crusading around inside of her. These conversations with Derek left her feeling so elated, but simultaneously broken. He is not good for me, she thought, but what could she do? She was drawn to him like a bee to the honeycomb. I'll feel better when I've seen the vet, she thought forcefully; fully aware of how wrong that sounded in her head.