Nothing left to Goose


It is a well known fact that geese are one the most cunning, malicious creatures to ever roam the Earth. It is quite unfortunate that the Universe, for whatever reason, decided that they should also be in charge of guiding soulmates towards their union. But perhaps, the trial of suffering the harassment of such a malevolent being is worth it to achieve true love…?

("The Soulmate Goose of Enforcement" AU – Inspired by "Untitled Goose Game")


To do:

-bring a wrench to the kitchen

-pull on the loud boy's hair

-use a stew-pan as a drum

-honk to show your supremacy

-steal the quiet boy's knife

-make the blond couple kiss


Winry Rockbell was sleeping peacefully, dreaming of carbon fiber crankshafts and diamond-tipped models, when an unusual sound suddenly brought her into consciousness.

"Honk."

Winry started, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. She blinked, wondering if she was still dreaming.

"H-huh…?"

There was a goose in front of her bed.

"Honk, honk!" the goose said, waving its wings a couple of times. Then it tilted its head ominously, staring at her with disturbing intelligence.

Where did it even come from? Granny didn't have any geese!

Before Winry could wrap her head around what was going on, suddenly the goose was sitting on her toolbox, its long neck reaching inside to pull out a wrench. She immediately recognized it as the one Ed gifted her for her seventeenth birthday.

"Hey!" Winry yelled, now completely awake, as the goose ran off with her favorite wrench. "That's mine! Get back here!"

She tumbled out of her bed and followed it into the hallway, but by the time the automail mechanic was out the door, the white bird was long gone.


Edward Elric had been in enough dangerous situations over the years – not to mention sharing room with Alphonse for most of his life – that even when he was asleep, he could still sense wicked intent nearby. ...So of course, the moment there was an evil creature of his bed he was instantly awake.

However, he did not expect to open his eyes to see the devil itself staring at him, inches away from his face.

"Aaah!" he screeched in a high-pitched tone, getting away as fast as possible and loudly landing on the floor as the result.

"HONK!" the bird of darkness proclaimed with murderous intent.

"What the hell?!"

How did this creature get in here?! The door was locked!

"HONK!" it repeated, threateningly.

"Get away!" Ed assumed a fighting stance, his back strategically close to the window, just in case. "I am warning you, bird! One step closer, and I will not have mercy!"

"HONK, HONK!" The demon moved forward despite his warning, stretching out its appendages in all of their terrifying glory.

However, Ed had thought real monsters before – he refused to be intimidated!

"Alright, you asked for it!"

The avian horror suddenly jumped, its menacing beak trying to reach a strand of Edward's hair, still handing lose behind his shoulders. Ed nimbly dodged and punched as hard as he could in retaliation.

However, that only made the fiend madder.

"HONK, HONK, HONK!"

How was that possible?! This was the fist that defeated GOD!

Ed considered himself a wise person, so obviously, it was high time to make a retreat. He opened the window behind him and escaped the room, running at full speed.

Unfortunately, his attacker had no intention of letting him get away.


Pinako Rockbell was busy restocking the pantry when she heard her granddaughter calling. Her hearing was slowly getting worse over the years, but she was still well enough.

"Granny? Where are you?"

"Over here, Winry!" she responded, loudly.

Winry showed up a moment later, still in her sleepwear and strangely frazzled.

"Is something-?"

"Granny," Winry interrupted her with a shaken voice. "There's a goose in the house."

For a second, she thought she misheard. "I'm sorry, what was that?"

"There is. A goose. In the house."

Pinako frowned, confused. "What goose? How did it get in?"

"That's what I'd like to know!" she said, waving her hands. "Didn't you lock the door last night?"

"I am pretty sure I did." She definitely did, right after letting Den out as always.

"Granny, it stole my wrench!"

Before Pinako could say anything to that, a loud scream reached them from the kitchen.

"AAAAAAAH AL GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET THIS DAMN BIRD OFF OF MEEEE!"


It was a peaceful early morning, and Alphonse Elric was making himself a fruit salad, because life was beautiful and he loved every single flavor he could taste.

It did not remain that way for long, as Brother suddenly appeared.

"Good morning, Broth-"

"Al you've got to help me!" Ed interrupted him in a frantic whisper, and only now Al noticed how disheveled he looked – as if he ran here straight from his bed.

Al put down the knife in his hand and set the half-cut apple in the bowl. "...What's wrong, Brother?"

Ed grabbed his shoulders, eyes fearful. "It's still chasing me," he hissed, shaking him. "I cannot escape it!"

"Escape wha-?"

"HONK."

"It found me!" Ed screamed, ducking for cover, before a fury of white feathers descended upon him like a vengeful angel.

Alphonse stood dumbfounded as his elder brother was suddenly engaged in close combat with a wild goose.

"Brother, what did you do?!"

"Why do you always assume I did something?!" Edward yelled, futilely attempting to chase it off.

"HONK!" the goose wrathfully bellowed at Brother.

"Then why is a random goose attacking you?!"

"I don't know! It just showed up in my room, I have no idea how it even-! AAAAAAAH AL GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET THIS DAMN BIRD OFF OF MEEEE!" Ed screeched as the goose used his distraction to jump on his back and forcefully yank his hair.

Al quickly grabbed the nearest pan and whacked the bird away. But much faster than it should have been possible, the goose took flight and surprised him by pecking the wrist of his pan-wielding hand, causing him to drop it with a pained hiss. "Yikes! This goose is vicious!"

"No kidding!" Ed used the moment to flip out of the way, grabbing a spatula and holding it in front of himself like a sword. "Back! Stay back, you little-!"

"What is going on?!" Winry and Granny Pinako, summoned by the commotion, appeared in the kitchen door, staring at the mess of cooking utensils all over the place. The goose noisily stomped on the Alphonse's dropped pan.

"Granny, Winry, we are being invaded!" Ed said bravely. "Save yourselves!"

"HONK!"

"My wrench!" Winry exclaimed, noticing her tool amongst the chaos on the floor. Before she could reach it, however, the goose snatched it and waddled away underneath the table. "HEY!"

"This is…" Granny Pinako muttered to herself, staring at the goose intently.

"Ed, help me!"

"No way, I am not getting any closer to that thing!"

"Coward!"

"It bit me in the face!"

"Just, help me corner it!"

"What is it, Granny?" Al asked her, seeing the strange look on her face.

"Doesn't this remind you of something, Al?"

"What do you mean…?"

"Winry, Edward," Granny Pinako called out, making them turn back to her. "Leave the goose alone and come here for a moment."

Ed didn't need to be told twice. Winry made a frustrated noise. "But, Granny-!"

"Just a moment, please."

The goose grabbed a wooden spoon and banged it twice against a pan.

"This reminds me of how your parents met, you know," Granny Pinako spoke, looking at Ed and Al. "You might have heard this story before."

"Oh...?" Alphonse's eyes widened in understanding. "OH!"

Edward made an incredulous expression. "Please tell me you're joking."

There was an old urban legend about the Matchmaker Goose. According to the folktale, when it was time for two soulmates to get together, sometimes a strange, invincible goose would show up, and lead (or more appropriately harass) one of them to their true love. Even though the story was quite popular, not many people actually believed it. However since they were young, they heard stories how the Matchmaker Goose made Trisha Elric follow it right to Van Hohenheim, and it would not leave either of them alone until they kissed.

Personally, Al always thought it was quite romantic. Edward had quite different opinion on the matter. Even if the Matchmaker Goose was real – which he doubted – how could Hohenheim be their mother's true love if he abandoned her in the end? Of course, his opinions had shifted, after learning about their father's past and his death two years ago. But he probably hadn't thought much about it since.

While Al had seen enough strange and impossible things in his life to accept that this was real and it was currently happening… there was something wrong with this picture.

"Wait a minute." He looked between Brother and Winry. "But if this is really a Matchmaker Goose… It went after the two of you, right?"

"I guess?" Winry said hesitantly.

"Obviously!" Edward added, glaring at the bird.

"HONK!"

Ed quickly hid behind Winry's back.

"But…" Al blinked at them, confusion written all over his face. "You guys are already together."

"Eh…!" The pair said, looking at each other. They stepped away and started rubbing the backs of their necks, flustered.

"Kinda?"

"Sort of…?"

"We haven't exactly..."

"We were busy! It's not like-"

"Yeah! I mean-"

"-not officially?" they finished together, eyes on the floor. Their cheeks were pink from embarrassment.

Alphonse gaped at them.

"Are you serious?" he said in disbelief. "It's been two years!"

"Hey!" Edward pointed at him, glowering. "You don't get to talk Al! You don't even have a girlfriend."

"Well, apparently neither do you," Al replied mockingly. "But unlike you, I don't live under the same roof with the girl I'm head over heels in love with."

"That's-!" Ed stuttered, turning completely red. Winry twisted her hands, staring at the wall.

"HONK!" The goose suddenly barked at him, up close. Edward tripped backwards, right into Winry, making her catch him.

The pair stared at each other for a stunned moment, faces barely a couple of inches away. Then Ed backed away again, coughing.

"Who is this damn bird to tell us what to do, anyway!" he said, crossing his arms defensively. "I am not going to force her to kiss me when she doesn't want to, just because a stupid Matchmaker Goose says so! That's just dumb! Right, Winry?"

Winry was quiet.

"...Winry?"

"Maybe…" She looked at Ed shyly. "Maybe... we should do it?"

Ed froze, eyes rounds as saucers. "Eh?"

"I-I mean!" She started rambling nervously. "If that's what it takes to get rid of the goose! I mean, just a short peck should be enough, right?"

"EH?"

"If it's really the Matchmaker Goose then it's impossible for get rid of it any other way! So that's just- time efficient, you know!?"

"EH?!"

"If you don't want to, that's fine!" she yelled suddenly, losing her nerve. There was a suspicious sheen in her eyes, and Ed suddenly seemed more panicked than shocked. "It's probably just a normal goose, anyway!"

"Wait, Winry-"

"Whatever! I'll go get the ax, we can kill it and cook it for dinner or something!" She turned away, acting like everything was fine, even though no one bought it. "...Though such a mean bird will probably cause indigestion."

She was about to leave the kitchen, but instantly the goose blocked her way. "HONK!" Winry barely avoided getting vindictively pecked in retaliation for the comment.

"Brother," Al spoke up them, now realizing how they managed not to get together all this time. He had thought that at least Winry would be decisive enough, but it seemed she was almost as bad as Brother. "Just kiss. I know you both want to, you're just afraid to say it."

Winry stopped. Slowly, she looked back.

"Ed…?"

Edward breathed in deeply through the nose. Then released the air through the mouth with a loud sigh. "...Well. It's worth a try, right?" He tried to sound confident and failed miserably. "If it's to get rid of this annoying goose."

"S-sure," said Winry. "Just to get rid of the goose."

"HONK."

"Right." He walked towards Winry, standing right in front of her. For a long moment, neither of them moved.

Suddenly, Ed turned. Both the goose and his younger brother were shamelessly watching them.

"Can't we get a bit of privacy?!" he yelled, cheeks like cherries.

"Oh, just get it over with," Granny Pinako said from the other side of the kitchen, busy over the stove. "I'm already starting to prepare stew for dinner." Al noticed she usually cooked it in celebration, as it was Ed's favorite meal. He supposed the situation warranted it.

"Yeah, get it over with already Brother," Al teased, delighted he would get to witness Brother's first kiss with his soulmate. "You can't just tell us to leave – this is public space, you know!"

Ed looked furious. However, it appeared that the Matchmaker Goose had ran out of patience as well. "HONK, HONK!" It waved its wings at Ed, getting closer.

"Alright!" Ed shouted, frustrated. "I get it, alright, we're doing it!" And as if he was throwing himself recklessly into a dangerous battle, he took Winry's face between his hands and smashed their lips together.

Honestly, as a kiss, it looked very awkward, in Al's humble opinion – not to mention painful, judging how they both grimaced at first. But then, something must have clicked for them, because their expressions softened. Their eyes closed, their bodies relaxing. It looked nice. Now Al was almost jealous – he really wanted to get a soulmate someday, too.

Then the kiss ended, the couple separating. Alphonse expected Brother to turn to him and say 'There, we did it! Happy now?', but instead, they just… kept staring. At each other. As if they got lost in each other's eyes. And it just kept going. For so long. At first it looked romantic, but the longer it got, the more awkward he began to feel.

"Guys...? The goose is gone, now."

They didn't even look at him. A moment later, Alphonse groaned.

Was this was they were going to be like from now on? Really? Kissing was fine – they could kiss all they wanted, he was cool with it… But looking at each other like that?

Gross!

"Seriously? Right in front of my salad?" He looked helplessly at his half-cut apple.

Only now he noticed that his knife was gone.

(Elsewhere, an armed goose plotted world domination.)

The End!


Author's Note:

So, I've always wanted to write a 'first kiss' story, and a Soulmate AU, and a story with a goose from the Untitled Goose Game… then I realized there was a meme that connected all of these things, because apparently "the Soulmate Goose of Enforcement" is a thing, lol! So obviously, I had to do it.

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