"It's not something you have to do," said Amy, whose nails were being painted by an alien woman with prehensile tresses. "It's something you enjoy doing. For a girl, clothes and hair and makeup are as much fun as, er, ah, guy things are for guys."
Once she had finished her work on Amy's nails, the alien woman used her locks like tentacles to lift the hair dryer from Fry's head. "Ah, you look mahvelous," she gushed.
"It's schmantastic!" exclaimed Amy, jumping to her feet. "Take a look at yourself in the mirror, girl!"
Fry's nerves ate away at his stomach as he stepped in front of the tall mirror. There stood the shapely cyclops he had become accustomed to seeing, with one significant difference—her purple hair had assumed the shape of a curly tower.
"I look like Marge Simpson with one eye," he remarked.
"You look great," Amy assured her.
Fry turned around. "I wonder if I'm doing the right thing," he said seriously.
"That's your mind talking," said Amy. "What does your heart say?"
"Thump, thump, thump, thump."
Amy rested a hand on her friend's bare shoulder. "Pre-date jitters," she said comfortingly. "We all get 'em."
Fry's wrist console buzzed, alerting him of a call. "Turanga Leela speaking," he said, and for an instant almost believed it.
Zapp's face appeared on the tiny video screen. "Leela, you look even sexier than the last time I saw you," said the captain.
"Why, thank you, Zapp." A shiver went up and down Fry's spine; he was certain his hair would stand on end, were it not already doing so.
"I'm calling because I'd like to meet you a half-hour earlier than we planned," said Zapp.
"A half-hour earlier?" said Fry. "Why?"
"Let's just say I had a feeling," said Zapp mysteriously.
"Okay," said Fry. "Seven it is. See you then."
"Goodbye, sexy lady," said Zapp, and his image vanished.
When Amy looked again, she beheld that Fry's worried scowl had given way to an ecstatic smile. "He called you a sexy lady," said the Asian girl. "Didn't that feel good?"
"Yeah, it did," Fry admitted. "It really did. I can't believe how much I've learned about women and how they think and feel—and all it took was becoming one."
"There's still a lot to learn," said Amy, "and you've only got twenty-eight more days. C'mon, let's buy you some new shoes."
Seven o'clock came and passed. At a quarter after seven, Leela and Mildred strolled down the sidewalk toward Leela's apartment building.
"It just doesn't seem right to me to duplicate someone's personality and put it inside an alarm clock," said Leela, "even if that someone is a robot. I'm afraid there may be no legal precedent for a case like this. That's why I asked you if you know any good lawyers."
"CMB Research has plenty of copyright lawyers on retainer," Mildred told her, "though that's probably not the type of lawyer you need."
"I can't understand why Philaster, of all people, would do a thing like this," Leela went on. "Back in his MU days, he was an avid supporter of equal rights for robots."
"Your friend Philaster sounds like a real brainiac," said Mildred. "I mean the good kind of brainiac, not the 'I'm gonna plug a computer into my head and think of a way to take over the world' type of brainiac, like my neighbor, Dr. Intellectuo. Unlike most girls, I'm actually turned on by…"
She abruptly fell silent. The door to Apartment 1-I was closed, and a yellow sticky note with crude handwriting was attached. Leela picked up the note and began to read: "Dear Fry and Mildred. I'm sorry I'm not…"
"…here to welcome you," she thought she heard her own voice saying. "Zapp decided to leave at 7:00 instead of 7:30, so by the time you read this, we'll be long gone. Hugs and kisses, Leela."
"An audio sticky note," Mildred observed. "Another wonderful invention you didn't have in the 20th century."
Leela crumpled the note in her palm and sighed bitterly. "I hope 'long gone' was intended as a figure of speech," he said.
"So much for our plan to break their date," said Mildred. "Now what do we do?"
"I don't know," said Leela, shrugging. "A movie, maybe?"
Fry and Zapp were not long gone; rather, they were twelve blocks away at Elzar's Restaurant. The spaceman divided his time between glancing at the menu and gazing at the picture of beauty at the opposite end of the table—a one-eyed woman with tall purple hair, turquoise earrings, and a low-cut white dress.
I should tell him how handsome he is, thought Fry. I know it's weird, but it's what a girl would do in my situation.
"You're very handsome," he said wistfully.
"What's this?" said Zapp with surprise. "A compliment? Whoever you are, give Leela her body back." He chuckled.
I can't, thought Fry's mind. This is like a freaky, wonderful dream I can't wake up from. Geez, I'm not just occupying Leela's body—I really am her! It's no different from having been her all my life.
"To be honest," said Zapp, "when I invited you to dinner, I fully expected you to break my nose again. I had no idea what to do or say after you accepted."
Fry only smiled vapidly.
Zapp swallowed. He looked down at the menu, then at the landscape painting on the wall, then at Fry again. "I have something to confess," he said slowly. "Ever since you and I first met, I've acted very off-putting towards you, almost to the point of obnoxiousness sometimes. But I had a reason for behaving that way. The whole purpose of my swaggering, womanizing, macho-man routine was…well, it was to hide my true feelings for you."
"Yes, I know," said Fry. "You think I'm sexy."
"No!" said Zapp earnestly. "I mean, yes, I do find you attractive, but my feelings go deeper than that, far deeper."
He's trying to talk me into bed, Fry's mind thought as Leela's face gazed and smiled. And it's working.
"Over the course of my, er, stellar career, I've had dozens of women on dozens of planets," Zapp related. "But I'd trade them all for you without a second thought. They're nothing more than hunks of meat to me, but you…you mean something special to me."
I don't know if I'm ready for such an intense female experience, thought Fry. I don't know what it'll do to me. I may just forget who I really am…forget how to be a guy.
"You're strong, intelligent, fearless," Zapp continued. "I admire such attributes in a man, but I treasure them in a woman."
I should get the hell out of here, Fry's mind said to itself, but I'm too enraptured to even move.
Sweat formed on Zapp's brow as he inserted his hand into his pocket and fumbled for an item. "There is a point to what I'm saying, Leela," he said, "and I'll get to it, in just a second."
His face is positively glowing, thought Fry.
Finally the nervous spaceman drew out a small black case. As he pulled the lid open, Fry's eye caught a glimpse of candlelight reflecting off a diamond surface.
"As Elzar is so fond of saying," said Zapp, setting the little box down in front of Leela's face, "…bam!"
The sight of the ring left him too startled to speak or think.
"Turanga Leela," said Captain Brannigan, lowering himself onto one knee, "will you marry me?"
To be continued
