The crew stood speechless in the sickbay, pondering the implications of Zapp's statement. This is the best news I've heard all week, thought Leela.
"Think carefully before you take such a drastic step," Zoidberg urged the captain.
Zapp's attention turned to Fry, whose bare shoulders he seized gently. "Leela, my darling," he said, "I understand if you choose not to marry me after this. I can't axe you to give up your life on Earth."
Fry's heart overflowed with an unfamiliar feeling of empathy. The poor, poor, gorgeous man, he thought, exiled from his home planet forever. If only there were something I could do.
"Ahem," said Leela disapprovingly.
"Just one last kiss before I go to my destiny," Zapp pleaded. Fry, helpless before the onslaught of Leela's hormones, leaned forward and aimed his lips at the captain's face.
"Before this gets too slashy," said Leela, "I need to make you aware of something, Zapp." This is the most appalling thing I can imagine, she thought, watching from someone else's body as my own gets ready to kiss Zapp Brannigan. I may have to step in and break them up.
Just as Zapp's lips and Fry's lips touched—just as Leela opened her mouth to say, "Leela's really Fry and I'm really Leela"—the console on Fry's wrist buzzed obtrusively.
"Don't answer it!" cried Zapp in a sudden panic, pushing Fry away.
"Why not?" asked the cyclops.
"It could be Mildred!" With a lightning-quick action, Zapp grabbed Fry's arm and unhooked the latches on his console. The device continued to ring and vibrate as the captain hurled it against the wall of the ship, causing it to shatter in two.
"Zapp, you moron!" exclaimed Leela. "What's wrong with taking a call from Mildred?"
"Don't you get it?" said Zapp with urgency. "She's trying to send another signal and get control of the chip in my head."
"That's ridiculous!" said Leela, clenching Fry's fists. "You have no proof that Mildred's a part of this. Anyone could have tampered with her phone."
"I can't afford to take chances," said Zapp with an angry glare. "For all we know, we're dealing with a conspiracy to overthrow the DOOP. From this moment until we rendezvous with the Nimbus, there will be no more communications with Earth. That's an order!"
"I give the orders here, mister!" Leela retorted.
Zapp, struck with confusion, looked back and forth between Leela and Fry. He scratched his head.
An alert sounded from the bridge.
"We're being hailed!" said Zapp. He charged out of the sickbay, the whole crew following him out of fear he might blow up the ship in his perturbed state.
An amber light was flashing on the main console when they assembled in front of it. "Is it from Earth?" asked Leela.
"No," replied Zapp, glancing rapidly at the computer display. "It's coming from the Nimbus."
As he pressed a button to answer the hail, Fry, Leela, Bender, Amy, and Zoidberg looked up at the view screen. A round, silver object, roughly the size of a grape, loomed in the center of the screen, its blurred edges slowly expanding. The Nimbus was nowhere in sight.
"It's the size of a small moon, but it's not orbiting anything," said Leela, puzzled.
"Warning," she heard Raven's voice utter. "Collision probable. Recommend immediate course change."
"We're probably gonna crash!" cried Bender, throwing up his arms.
A faint but well-known voice was heard through the ship-to-ship channel: "Nimbus to Raven. Captain Kroker to Raven. Alien vessel has destroyed seven Titan-class warships and is in pursuit of us. Attempts at communication have failed. Long-range psychoactive weaponry makes approach impossible. Do not engage the alien. I repeat, do not engage."
"Oh, Kiffy," gushed Amy. "You sound just like a real captain."
"It's getting closer!" cried Zoidberg, pointing his claw at the view screen. The silver orb had assumed the size of a nectarine, and pock marks were becoming visible on its surface.
"We're still at 45c," said Leela. "Given the relativistic distortion, the alien ship may not be as close as it looks. Raven, drop out of hyperspace and lay in an evasive course."
"Since when are you the captain, Fry?" said Zapp in astonishment. "You realize that Leela is still alive."
A slight lurch and a descending whine later, the ship called Raven began to move along at impulse speed. The image on the view screen changed, proving that, as Leela had suggested, the hostile vessel was not as close as they supposed.
It was much, much closer.
The entire screen was filled with the grooves, bumps, and craters that made up the texture of the enormous alien ship. The Nimbus could now be seen, a mere fly in size compared to the oncoming juggernaut.
"Angels and ministers of grace defend us," Zapp muttered in awe.
Kif's voice repeated itself over the comm channel. "Do not engage! Do not engage!"
"You heard the man," said Bender. "Let's cheese it out of here!"
"I agree," said Leela. "Raven, reverse course and resume top speed."
"I also respond to 'run away'," said the ship's computer helpfully.
"RUN AWAY!" Leela shouted.
The crew felt their stomachs turn squeamish as Raven swiveled in mid-space and the hostile megaship vanished from the screen. They waited breathlessly for the stars to streak past, indicating their entry into hyperspace and, hopefully, safety.
It didn't happen.
"Huh?" said Amy quizzically. "Why we not go nowhere?"
"Zoidy confused and scared," babbled Zoidberg. "Zoidy hate big scary space thingy."
"My internal scanners have detected an attempt to alter my programming," said Raven's voice. "Automatic shutdown in progress. Me go beddy-bye."
"If me human, why me look like robot?" Bender asked himself.
Leela lowered her eyes in despair. The space brains have them, she realized. What do I do now?
"You very good-looking," said Fry, and Leela's body walked clumsily over to Zapp. "Me want snoo-snoo."
Captain Brannigan scowled and shook his head. "It wouldn't be right," he said simply.
Leela's jaw dropped. "Z-Zapp?" she stammered. "You're immune too?"
"If 'immune' is a word meaning 'filled with chocolaty goodness'," said Zapp with a goofy smile, "then yes, I am immune."
Okay, don't panic, Leela thought frantically. The others are beyond hope, but I may yet be able to reason with Zapp.
"I'm immune! I'm immune! I'm immune!" the captain chanted, hopping up and down.
"Listen, Zapp," said Leela earnestly. "You and I are all that stands between that monstrosity and the rest of the universe. We have to turn and fight!"
"Fight!" said Zapp, clapping his hands with glee. "Yes, fight! You with your super soaker, and me with mine, side by side!"
To Leela's horror, her own body waddled up and grabbed her by the forearms. "Me want snoo-snoo," she watched her face say.
"No snoo-snoo," she said anxiously. "Snoo-snoo bad."
"Snoo-snoo bad," drawled Fry with Leela's voice. "Bad good. Snoo-snoo good."
Leela sighed with frustration. She finished her sigh on a platform deep in the bowels of the enemy ship, surrounded by giant brains floating in near-darkness.
A transporter beam, she thought. At least those bastards want to finish this quickly.
To be continued
