DIRTY LITTLE SECRET

Let me know that I've done wrong
When I've known this all along
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you

Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
My dirty little secret

"Lorelai?"

The voice caused her to stop dead in her tracks; his voice conveyed confusion and awe as if he was seeing a ghost. It took all she had in her for her knees not to buckle and for her and the box in her arms to not tumble to the ground. She took a moment to compose herself, hoping she could give off the air of the confident world traveler she was, the confidence she showed to those she worked with. Slowly, she turned to face him, and for the first time in six years she is standing right in front of Luke Danes.

"Hey," was the only word she was able to get out of her mouth, and wanting to say so much more.

The stunned look on his face changed to an incredulous one.

"'Hey', that's all you have to say after all this time? A simple 'hey'? No 'Hi Luke, how are ya?' or 'Hey Luke, I've had amnesia for over half a decade and couldn't remember your phone number to call and say I was okay'? Damn it, Lorelai-"

"HEY! I don't deserve that. The last time we saw each other you were screaming at me, calling me horrible things, and saying you didn't want to see me anymore. Yes, I should have called but not because you did anything to deserve it."

"Why are you here? Couldn't find a man for you to rip out his heart and stomp all over it where you were?"

At this, she could feel the tears welling in her eyes, she couldn't let them out; she couldn't let him get to her, too much was riding on how the conversation tonight went.

"Look, I came home because I need to be here. If you don't like it, tough; we have some things to talk about so if you could leave your bad mojo out here-"

"Mojo?" he smirks.

"Oh just shut up and come inside".

Who has to know
When we live such fragile lives
It's the best way we survive
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you

Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret

Inside, the home is only a shell of what it once was. Boxes litter the floor and furniture is placed askew. She motions for them to sit on the couch and he complies. There is now an awkward silence and both are unsure of how to begin. Five minutes of sneaking looks at one another later, Lorelai spontaneously jumps up from the couch.

"Beer." She says in an excited tone.

"What?"

"Beer. I have it. You want one?", before he can answer she is rushing towards the kitchen. He gets up to follow her; in the kitchen she is grabbing two Heinekens from the refrigerator and begins searching for the bottle opener. She ignores him as she roots through boxes in a harried fashion. He grabs her arms from behind and whispers into her ear,

"Lorelai, slow down, what's wrong? I can leave if you're uncomfo-"

"NO!"

"Okay…"

"We need to talk." She pushes past him and riffles through another box; she grabs an object from it, "wa-la, one beer bottle opener for our alcoholic consumption convenience."

He takes it from her and opens both beers, handing one to her. As she takes the bottle their hands touch and for a moment he feels the same jolt of warmth that flowed through his body on the day they met.

"Luke, you need to let go."

Never! Wait, what? "Huh?"

"You need to let go of the bottle." He looks at their hands, both grasping her beer and he releases it giving her a sheepish smile.

Who has to know
the way she feels inside
those thoughts I can't deny
these sleeping dogs won't lie
and all I've tried to hide
it's eating me apart
Trace this line back

They return to the couch and slowly sip their drinks, the silence has returned. She decides she needs to take the leap, it's now or never.

"I need to show you something, wait here."

She gets up and sets her bottle on the coffee table. She quickly goes up the stairs, one of the many small things she has missed in her time away, and heads into her bedroom. There lying on the quilt now made of her son's worn baby clothes is a large leather bound book. She grabs it and brushes her hand over the tough material.

One last chance to back out; she doesn't take it.

Slowly she heads back down the stairs, book in hand, and sits next to him on the couch. Their knees and elbows are touching and he can see the tears glistening in her eyes.

"Lorelai, what's wrong?"

She sniffles and replies, "don't hate me too much, please, I already hate myself."

The confusion is evident on his face and does not go away as she lays the book on his lap and opens it to the first page. There on a creamy background is a picture. The image is strange, black and white and grainy. He looks at it and then at her hoping for some help. She just continues to look at the photo, not noticing his gaze. There is something in the picture that vaguely resembles a blob and he knows he's seen something like this before.

His mind travels back to when his sister, Liz, was expecting her second child.

One day, shortly before Lorelai and he had ended their engagement, Liz had come running excitedly into the diner waving a small photograph and smiling widely at her big brother. She proudly presented the picture to him as the first introduction to his niece.

In his mind he feels a series of sparks, like thoughts connecting. The picture is a sonogram. He looks at it again then and he can see it, the little life that was forming at the time the photo was taken. The blob looks more like a head with a body and he can see limbs, two legs and two arms, protruding form it. The baby is curled into a ball safely tucked away in its mother's womb.

His eyes water and he looks at her. She raises her head to look at him and she is crying.

"No."

"What?" She is confused by his reaction, what does 'no' mean?

"No, you wouldn'- you couldn't. You're not her, you're not Anna. You're different, you'd never-"

"I am. I am like her, I didn't want to be. I swear, Luke, I wanted it to be different. I thought about telling you every day. When I felt him growing inside of me, in the delivery room when I imagined you next to me, every time I looked into his face and saw you staring back at me."

"He?" the question was barely a whisper as his attention had returned to the picture.

"Yeah, he, our son."

"You didn't tell me."

"I know, I know I messed up. I am so sorry Luke. I wanted to. I called, and then hung up before you could answer. I tried writing you, but I could never send it. I even came back to Stars Hollo-"

"You did? When?"

"I came to New York for a conference and to see Rory's new place about four years ago; had a free day and rented a car. I drove all the way here. I didn't see you at the diner, so I snuck over to Sookie's. She said you had taken April on a camping trip."

He thought about that and remembered, if only they had gone a week earlier like they had planned and had to reschedule because of the weather, he would have known about his son four years ago.

"Wh- huh, I-I don't really know what to ask. He looks like me? How old is he? What does he like to do? Where is he? Is he here now?"

"Yes, he looks like you. He has blue eyes like mine. He has this unruly brown hair that curls up in the back just like yours. When he smiles, he could almost be your twin. He's rambunctious and quiet all at the same time; he's a good mix of us. He likes to run around and laugh and just be a little boy. And no, he isn't here. I was going to go to the diner tonight after closing and- I don't know, tell you I guess. He's with my parents."

Silence fills the house once again. He flips to the next page and sees a picture of Lorelai, she looks radiant. Her hair is pulled gently back and her shirt is pulled tight over her belly. One hand is lying on her stomach and the other supporting her as she leans against a stone wall. Only half of her face is visible, she is looking out into the vast ocean behind her and the expression on her face is sad and wistful.

The following pages contain a collage of newborn shots. There is a yawning baby in a blue receiving blanket. Another photo of Lorelai and the same baby, she is smiling; her face shows a blend of pure pride and exhaustion.

The following pages show a little boy growing up. From first smile to first step, first haircut, first day of nursery school, of kindergarten. And in everyone he sees exactly what she was talking about, the boy, his son, does look amazingly like him.

"I want to meet him."

"You will. Tomorrow, maybe tonight you should go home and look this over. I know it doesn't make up for what I've done but- I-I hope that maybe it can help. Look at this and any questions you have about anything, I'll answer. I'm sorry I did this to you. I was so in the wrong. Hate me; I wouldn't blame you if you despise me for all I've done to you. I want to make it better, I'm trying."

He nods his head and gets up, taking the book with him. She follows him to the door and watches him walk across the porch and down the steps. At the last step he turns.

"What's his name?"

"Jude. His name is Jude."


I'll keep you my dirty little secret
don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret

who has to know
who has to know

AN: So his name is Jude. Yes, I got it from the song because I love the song and the Beatles and they needed props in my song but interestingly St. Jude is the patron saint of those in hopeless situations. But now you know why the song didn't really fit with the chapter. Who guessed that Hey Jude was an anvil for his name?